Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Equinox, Part 2 (S6, E1)

AN: e. bin has asked for either Time or Fear next, so those are being added to the short-list of requested stories that will hopefully be up soon if my muse cooperates. She isn't at the moment, since she picked this one rather than any of the requested ones, but at least she isn't blanking on me. Hope you all still enjoy.

Thanks go to a certain smart-ass friend who gave me the prompt "Ahab," I think trying to play stump-the-author. But I recalled the scene with Picard in First Contact, and just had to think on if Janeway had ever gone on a similar vendetta. I think we all remember when she did. And although the final scene on the bridge was very well done and IC, I know we all wanted more.

Prompt: It wasn't being relieved of duty that had distressed him the most. It had been the fact that she was destroying herself, and for the first time he couldn't save her.

Ahab

By Lady Callista

=/\=

The woman who walked into Chakotay's quarters after everything was over was a very different woman than the one he had faced off with in the conference room. She was a paler version even than the woman with whom he had rehung Voyager's dedication plaque, and she looked even more hesitant and unsure than when she had questioned if she would see him at Neelix's party.

"Ready for the party?" He questioned lightly.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Her voice lacked it's usual strength, and he could see the tiredness and worry in her eyes.

"Shall we then?" He wanted to ask if she wanted to talk, but forced his voice to lightness. Although it wasn't in him to hold a grudge, especially against her, he suspected it would take them both some time to get their relationship back to the way it used to be. And as always, he would let her lead. As she had chosen to have their first interaction after his reinstation take place on the bridge, he assumed she wasn't quite ready to really talk to him yet.

"Can we… can we talk first?" Kathryn said softly.

Of course, he had been wrong before. "Captain…"

"Not captain."

"Kathryn." He spoke as softly as she, and his eyes widened in concern when he saw her own fill with moisture.

She breezed by him then, moving to the viewport and staring out at the stars. She was silent as he came up behind her, not quite in touching distance.

"Kathryn?" This time his voice was questioning, but still gentle. Pushing would get him nowhere, and the fact that she had initiated this conversation meant she was ready to talk, but having difficulty with what she wanted to say.

"If I could go back and change things, I'm not sure I would." She said softly. "But I don't much like the person I became, even though I thought it was necessary."

"We came through alright." He offered neutrally.

"We as in Voyager, yes, but you and I…"

She didn't turn, but he could hear the tears in her voice. Chakotay hesitantly moved closer, laying a hand on her shoulder. "We'll be alright too."

"You asked what happened to me, but I couldn't tell you. I'm not even sure I could admit it to myself, not then. But I need you to understand why." Her hand came up to cover his own.

"Kathryn, it's okay…"

"No, no it's not." She said softly. "You did exactly what a first officer should do, and exactly what a friend should as well. And neither of us will ever know what would have happened if we had done things the way you wanted. But… but I had another reason for going after Ransom, beyond the ones I gave you in my ready room. I…"

She broke off with a sob, and without thought he moved forward and wrapped her in his arms. "Shh..."

Kathryn stiffened as his arms wrapped around her, but only for an instant. Then she turned so that she could wrap her own arms around him. In her own mind, she acknowledged that she clung. "I saw reflected in Ransom what I could have been. What might have happened to me, if my promise to get this crew home had become more important than the Federation's laws, more important than my own morals and ethics. And I had to stop him… because if I didn't I was saying that what he did was okay, that maybe in similar circumstances I…"

"No, you don't have that in you." Chakotay interrupted softly, holding her more firmly against his chest. "You would never compromise yourself like he did."

"You would never let me. Anytime I falter… you, you're always there." She whispered into his chest, her voice still rough with tears. "I wanted you to know… I did hear what you were saying. And I… I did listen. Maybe not in that moment when it mattered, but after…"

"I was only telling you what you already knew." He replied, hand stroking lightly over her back.

She chuckled humorlessly. "I guess we can add another description to the first officer's role; conscience."

He slid back enough to look into her eyes, noting that a few tears still slid down her cheeks. "It might have taken you a little longer without me, and you might have slid a little further, but in the end you still would have done the right thing."

"How can you know that?" Her words came brokenly.

"Because I know you." Hoping he wasn't going to far, he cupped her face in his hands, gently using his thumbs to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "I never would have vowed to stand beside you if I truly thought you were capable of something like what Ransom did."

"Chakotay…" More tears spilled over at the tenderness in his voice, and she felt a rush of long buried emotions surging up at his closeness, and at the love that even after what she had done was still shining in his eyes.

"You just got lost for a little while." He patiently wiped these tears away as well. "But you found your way back."

She reached up with one hand, lightly tracing her fingertips over the back of one of the hands he still cupped to her cheek. "Thanks to you. I don't know what I would do without you."

He kissed her lightly on the forehead, hearing her double meaning. "You'll never have to find out."

That got a small smile from her, that slightly crooked one that reached her eyes and she rarely gave to anyone but him. Rising up on her toes, she kissed him just as lightly on the cheek, then allowed herself to sink back into the comfort of his embrace.

She asked herself at least once a week what she had done to deserve the loyalty, and love, of such an amazing man.

And, also weekly, she promised herself that one day she would take him up on everything he had ever tried to offer her. One day.

For now they held each other, and it was enough.

FIN