Chapter Five:
I awake to find I am on one of the beds in the healing hall. I hear Manwë speaking to someone behind me. Áudryeil seems to be sleeping on the bed next to mine. I am filled with sadness as I remember what she has done. I rise to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Ithilwen," I hear behind me with concern. Thranduil sits beside me. "Do not be so hastily."
"I am well My Lord." I smile at him. "Did I fully heal her before the pain caused me faint?"
"Yes, she is well." He places his hand on my knee. "I was filled with fear when I heard you cry out." The worry in his voice makes my heart break.
"I am well." I run my thumb over his knuckles. I grab his hand to move it away, but he puts more pressure on my knee. He smiles at me with that smile. I wish he would just take me into his arms. I bring my lips to his ear, "If you insist on leaving your hand there, you should put it to good use and move it higher." I say seductive with some humour. He lets out a moan.
He chuckles as he says, "such corse language from a lady." In response I giggle.
"Mother." I look up to see Áudryiel pushing off her blankets. Thranduil lets go of my knee. She sits up on the side of the bed.
"King Thranduil," she acknowledges him.
"Áudryiel, please do not do anything like that again." I plead with her. "I do not say this out of judgement. I love you too much to pass judgment. I know that you jumped. Please do not continue this course of action, I need you."
"Áudryiel, why would you do something like that?" Thranduil asks in genuine concern.
"My Lord? Why do you have concern for me?" She is confused.
"You have just tried to commit suicide. I do have concern that one of my people is in so much sorrow that they want to die." He says in a sympathetic tone.
"I do not know why anymore. I was sad for so long about my father and my sister but now I do not know. I just know that I do not wish to be alive." She begins to weep. I take my place next to her and hold her to my chest.
"Ithilwen, I will leave you two alone." He says as he rises to stand.
I grab his hand to stop him. "I will find you later." He nods and walks out of the healing hall.
"Áudryiel," tears form in my eyes, "You can not do this. You have to come out of this. If not for yourself, for Beriadan. He loves you and he will be devastated if you succeed. You know this." Why did I not see this? You are my daughter. I have already lost one, I can not lose you too. Please tell me why you did this? You got over your father and sister's death long ago."
"I told Beriadan my feelings. He told me that there was nothing between us. He said that mother." She weeps not into my arms.
"I love you," is all I can say to her. I do not know why he would say that. After some time Manwë brings her some tea and she falls asleep.
Brín walks in and I turn to him, "Are we leaving to go get the things from your mother's house."
"Yes, if you want, bring your computer so you can write on the way there. I know it is not a lot but it will pack that little car up."
"I know it is clothes and all my books I could not part with and all the collectables." I laugh. "Will your things also fit?
"Katheryn, those books were an expensive parcel. Yes, well we might have to take two trips."
"Do you know if she got the jewellery I sent over?" I ask as I get up from the desk.
"Yes, she said she did." I wrap my arms around him as he rests his hands on my hips.
"I love you Brín, don't ever change darlin'." I say before kissing his cheek.
We sit down in the car and I look around. It feels so odd to be on the left side of the car and not driving. "When are we going to buy instead of having a rental?"
"What do you want? The company transferred me back to the Galway office. So I will start work next week."
"They have been asking you to come back for a long time. I am not sure. I have always wanted a Mercedes." I laugh.
"We will see. Let us see what the Nursing Association says about your credentials. Hopefully you do not have to go back to school. I think it will help you feel better to go back to work.
On the ride over I focus on writing. It helps me calm my nerves. I know I have always want to come back and stay, but I am on a completely different continent. For some reason I feel melancholy.
I search for Thranduil to speak with him about Áudryiel. I find him back in the stables brushing Hope.
"Thranduil, you must let me do that." I say in with reverence.
"You never finished this morning." He says looking up from his task. I take the brush from his hand. He looks at me with concern.
"I will fare well," I say as my eyes fill with tears. He kisses my forehead. "What am I to do? She wants to die. Áudryiel told Beriadan of her feelings toward him." He just looks at me with understanding. He pulls me into a hug. "I even heard the thought, I do not deserve the air I breath. What am I to do?"
I pull back to see his face. "She needs to come to terms with whatever it may be causing this type of sorrow. I did. As you know it took me a long time. I still wake up in the morning expecting her to be next to me. I am at a lose when she is not. Then I remember within that moment, I have you. You alone Ithilwen take my sorrow away." He stops to see my reaction. I smile at him. "She needs to find that in someone or something. She needs hope. She has to be searching for hope to find it."
"Is there truly a way that she can succeed? In all my years of trying after Belletheil died, I could not find a way."
"You did?" I nod my head. "I did not see this from you."
"I have felt this way." I look down at the ground then back up to him.
I meet his eyes as they widen. "We have all been through times of great sorrow, but what shows our strength is when we get through those times. And no, there is no way for an elf to kill themselves." I trace the outline of his lips with my thumb. I kiss him with tenderness.
"I have so little energy, I need sleep. I suppose you have not had much sleep these past few days either." He just stares down at me. " I will take my leave."
I write in my journal: Áudryiel has not spoken to anyone in nearly three days. Manwë has kept her in the healing hall to keep her on watch. Taurion has been making my job hard. He refuses to do anything any more. I know he is stressed but he needs to just do as he is told. I am having major difficulty keeping my head in my work, but I still do it. With all that has happened I need training and post to run smoothly. We are finding more spiders in the forest lately. The posts need to be filled. This morning he told me my head was empty and that he curses me to be alone forever. I hit him in the throat. I feel terrible for doing that, and I should have more compassion with whatever is going on, but I let his insults hurt me.
I return to the training area and grab my bow. I place the arrows in the stand next to me and light the torches so I can see the targets. Pulling back the cord on my bow, I take my first shot and hit the centre of the target. My mind rolls back to Áudryiel and Beriadan. I take another shot and split my arrow. My mind yet again goes to Taurion. I take another shot and spilt my second arrow.
As I go to take another shot, I am startled by "Ithilwen." I release the arrow and miss my target, causing me to be filled with anger. I do not know why.
I turn to see Thranduil chuckling. "Yes," I snap.
"Do you have anymore arrows?"
"Yes." I snap back.
"Hand me your bow." He says filled with laughter.
I hand it to him, "Why?" I snap in response.
"I am worried you are going to shoot me with it." He places it on the table next to him.
I realise the humour in his voice and I soften my demeanour. "I am sorry My Lord. I did not mean to be so disrespectful. Please forgive me."
"You are forgiven. I have heard about the incident earlier. You became angry and hit Taurion." He pauses for my response.
"I am sorry My Lord. I am filled with regret."
"Do not be sorry. He deserved it for what he said to you. Do not worry he will be dealt with."
"It has been a stressful day." I say with a sigh. He holds out his hand out and I walk to him. I am brought into a hug by the man I love. Falling into his embrace, he brings his hand to my lower back and I shutter under his touch.
"Are you cold, Ithilwen?" He asks in a whisper. He rubs my arm with his other hand. I look up at him. "What is it you wish to ask me?"
"My Lord, at this very moment I wish for you to bring me to a fire. I say as I lay my head on his chest. After a moment he pulls away and takes me by the hand.
I start putting my books in the car and see a white horse in the distance. It seems she is in the neighbours yard. She is gracefully grazing upon the grass. Brín comes outside with another box, "look darlin', ain't she beautiful?" I say smiling.
I turn back to see it, "Katheryn what are you talking about? The dog?" It seems it was a brown dog walking around.
"Well, um, what else do we need to get?" I ask trying to change the subject.
"Are you feeling well Ghrá?" He places the back of his hand on my forehead then my cheek. "You must be tired with the time change."
"Yes darlin' that must be it." I said, but he knew it was a lie. I know he thinks there is something else wrong.
I stop writing for a while. I need to know why I am hearing and seeing the things that I do. I do not ask about my nursing license, I just stay at home. He has not pushed me to go back to work either. The depression has never fully left me though, just gotten better. Weeks have went by and I have not touched my computer. I have asked Brín to go with me to see about changing my phone number. The fees are absolutely ridiculous. We have FaceTime now with WIFI.
I have been gone all day walking the country side. I love it here. Slowing down from the fast paces of the city is a nice rehabilitation; To enjoy the beauty Ireland has to offer.
Brín has not said much all day. When I called Orlaith, she was very vague about her phone call with him this morning.
I walk inside and Brín is no where to be found, but his car is here. "Brín?" I call for him. He rushes out of one of the bedrooms upstairs and shuts the door. "Hey darlin', do you have a woman up there?" I ask him with humour in my voice.
"Yes, if you mean this woman!" He brings down a large dog. She is a beautiful golden retriever and is true to her colours. She runs downstairs to greet me.
"Oh, Brí, she is beautiful." I smile up at him as I bend down to pet her.
"Bri?" He raises an eyebrow. "Her name is Bella. She is a three year old, sixty two pound golden retriever. She is trained to bark when she need to go out, so she will tell you. She loves long walks and to play. Now Mary, my mother's friend, her sister is sick and can no longer take care of her. I thought because you are in the house all day by yourself that you could use a companion. Mary also said she is really lazy in the mornings so you could sleep in with her."
"She is beautiful. She is not sleeping in the bed with us." Bella turns her head in response to my comment. We both laugh.
"Agreed there is a pillow over there for her to sleep on." He points to the left corner in the living room. "She has some toys in the corner there in that basket. I have something else to show you. Bella go lay down." She responds by jumping up on the couch making her a spot in the blanket. He takes my hand and leads me upstairs. As he opens the door to one of the biggest spare bedrooms we have, I see his surprise and I smile.
He and his mother have brought the rest of my things and put them away. There is a couch on the wall were the bed was. He has taken the old victorian couch his mother had and reupholstered it with beautiful dark green velvet. It looks better than the red it had. He has a beautiful old bookshelf on the opposite wall. In front of the window is a large ornate desk I am sure has been past down in his family. A lovely wingback chair that matches the couch next to the book shelf. He leads me in and I see all my signs and collectables on the walls. Above the couch is the pictures of Imladris. Next to the book case is the map of middle earth. He had a lovely plague made for me, he gave it to me at our wedding. Our wedding was not a traditional ceremony. We just got a marriage and had decided to do the ceremony here in Ireland with his family. We are still married all the same. It says, I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. Beautiful lettering in Irish. He has put my small nicknacks around the room.
I put my arms around his neck to hug him tight. "I love it darlin'. Thank you." I kiss him hungrily to show him how much I am thankful for this most intimate gift. I truly feel loved. I close the door with my foot.
As it closes he pulls back, "my mother is still here." I feel my cheeks redden. I show annoyance at the situation. "Come," he takes my hand. "She will be gone soon enough. Oh, I almost forgot this." He pulls out an I-phone from his pocket. "This is on a plan with mine. You will no longer have signal problems and the fees. You can cancel your's." I take the phone and smile. For a second I feel disappointed that he would put me on a plan with him. I want my own phone, my own independence. But I then realise that I do not have any income and it was probably cheaper for him to do it this way. He must have seen my expression, "I thought you wanted a phone with Irish digits? You can keep yours if you would like."
"I do. Thank you. Let us talk about it later." I kiss him to show reassurance of what I said.
After his mother left, I go lay down. There was a lot of excitement today. Bella seems to be okay with the new living situation. She will not sleep in that dog bed and she refuses to even get off of the couch. I hope she will come around.
Brín comes to bed much later than I thought he would. He takes his place behind me and pulls me close. He kisses my neck before he gets comfortable. My belly flutters as it always has with him. I take his hand off of my belly and I lay it on my thigh. He thinks I am just moving it to be more comfortable. I move myself back on to him even though there is no more space between us. Then he rests his hand on the front of my thigh and does not understand, I turn onto my back and place his hand on my inner thigh. "Katheryn, are you sure?" He asks surprised.
I push his hand into my yoga pants and let him feel me. "Yes," I breathe out.
"You are so wet a stór," I let out a quiet giggle.
He begins to rub me. I have been thankin' about this all evening, even during dinner. He slides one finger in causing me to moan. Then another. I buck my hips into his hand wanting more from him. I want him. I get off of the bed and slowly take off my clothes. He watches me in the light of the lamp. I take my place above him working at his slacks. "Why do you still have these on?" I say as if I am repulsed by them.
"I wanted to see if you were alright before I got ready for bed. I have to shower and pack up my files for the morning." I struggle to get them unbuttoned. He unbuttons them helping me slide them off along with his underwear. I reach to take off his shirt but I hesitate and feel bad for doing so. I look down at my hands that I will to move, but they don't. "It's okay." I look up at him with thankfulness of his understanding. He lifts up and takes it off, himself. I will not look at him.
I lean forward and kiss his lips softly. He slides his hands down to my hips and I feel him grow hard against my leg. I will not look at him. I am happy because I make him feel this way. Even after everything. I guide him inside of me and let out a moan as the sensation of him courses through me. I begin to rock back and forth with forcefulness. I moan loader as I slowly climb to orgasm. "Oh Brín," I moan as I feel as though I am about to come undone and all my emotions, all of me will be laid out in pieces all over the floor. "Get on top of me." I say out of breath.
He looks at me for permission again, and I nod my head. I roll over onto my back and as he takes his place between my legs. He fills me and I cry out with pleasure. I match his rhyme as I climb to orgasm again, but I start to be overwhelmed with thoughts in my head. "I need to be on top of you," I sound panicked more than I wanted. But I wanted this, I want Brín to make me feel good.
But then I just stop. I am frozen in nothingness. What he did to me, that man. I just keep seeing him. Seeing him inside of me. It was like there was a invisible barrier between us that he broke. He hurt me so bad, that I can't even love my husband.
He should leave me. At that thought I start to sob uncontrollably. I deserve this, but I don't want it to happen. He just holds me as I fall asleep.
Once we get to the corridor he lets go. I walk beside him, all the while following him. Being on the south side of the city we are surrounded by many people. Most of our recreation areas are on this side. On the east side of the city there are less people. We get to his privy chambers only seeing Miluiel. Thranduil asks her to leave and finish cleaning tomorrow.
He opens the doors to his bed chambers and the fire is already lit. He has a tapestry on each wall of browns and greens, with gold and silver. His bed is large enough to fit four comfortably. I have never seen one so big. The linen on his bed is of green with leaf embroidery.
The head board looked as though it is made of tree roots, much like his throne. Everything is so lovely. I walk over to the window and draw back the curtains.
As he wraps his arms around my waist he pulls me into an embrace. "Are you warm now my love?" He whispers.
I turn to see his face. "Truly? How long?" I ask feeling uncertain of his words. Having waited so long to hear them, my love, they feel like a dream. He did not have to say, I read his thoughts.
"Since our first meeting on our balcony." I smile at him for his words warm my heart. I twirl my finger in the hair that is draped over his shoulder.
As I pull away, I stand in front of the fire with my back to it. I unlace my dress, watching his eyes as it falls to the floor. I unlace my corset slowly to have him waiting in anticipation. It falls to the floor and his beautiful eyes widen. He stares at my naked form taking it in; after some time I begin to feel embarrassment. I hide myself with my arms.
He moves them out of the way while saying, "do not hide Ithilwen, you are too beautiful. He kisses me gentle and slow. I unlace his tunic and he allows me to pull it off. I help him take off his under shirt. I rub up his stomach to his chest feeling how hard it is, feeling the creases raises my arousal. He claims my lips once more. As he raises my leg to his hip and places his other hand on my backside, I can feel him hard against me which makes me moan. He raises me so my legs wrap around him. I try to fight for dominance of the kiss but he pulls back and says, "gentle." I do not listen and try to control the kiss. "Ithilwen, you are a lady, this must be slow."
"I do not understand why you keep saying this." There is annoyance in my voice. He lets me down. I know I should just allow him to treat me as such, but my hubristic manner got the best of me. I have always worked hard to show everyone I can do anything and that women are no less strong or courageous than any man.
"In this respect women are fragile." He stops and looks at me.
"I am not fragile Thranduil. For thousands of years I have shown you that is not so."
I read his thought, "she was. I should not have let her go."
"I have much compassion for you and the lose of your wife. In this, I am not her." I say as my voice cracks with agitation.
"Do not go." I hear that thought again.
"No," I say too forced. "I am not Itarillé." I realise that I have said her name. I grunt with frustration. My anger got the best of me. I turn to grab my dress. Looking away from him, "I am sorry."
He breaths deep and he is brought to tears at her name. "Please do not go." I turn to him before I put on my dress, he has taken a seat on the small couch in front of the fire. Without a thought, I sit down beside him and grab his hands to comfort him.
"I am sorry. I did not mean to say her name. I do not wish to see you cry." I kiss his cheek. I bring his face to look at me. As I lean my forehand on his, I caress his cheek. I take my other hand tangling my fingers in his hair holding the back of his head. "I love you too much to see you hurt. Please tell me what to do. I am sorry."
"I am not angry with you, just be here with me." I feel sadness from him. I did not realise my nakedness until he put his hand on my leg. I raise to stand and he follows. I grab my dress. "You can not sleep in that, put this on." He hands me one of his night shirts. It is quite large on me, reaching down just above my thigh, covering my backside. He leads me to his bed. He lays down and I follow suit by facing him. As we both hold one another, I kiss him once more. He soon after falls asleep despite his sadness, and I fall asleep watching his chest rise and fall.