Chapter six
He was a coward. He really needed to talk to her, but so far he hadn't. Ever since the DJ had started the party had moved more or less to the dance floor. So far he hadn't seen Melinda dance. She'd found a spot away from the dance floor on one of the many lounge seats. He watched Tony reaching for Pepper's hand before they moved to the dance floor. Finally, she was alone. He wanted to catch her off guard, therefor he decided to approach her from the other side, this way she couldn't see him. He should have known though, that wouldn't work with her.
"Took you long enough." Melinda said in a way of greeting when Phil finally joined her on the couch.
Phil merely nodded his agreement and handed her a glass of wine. They sat next to each other, watching the people on the dance floor, in silence. "You seem happy here." He finally said.
"I guess I am."
"You seem surprised."
"I am. I came here expecting to leave after a couple of days, a week at most. Then Maria got me this job and even then I was skeptic. But it's been a welcome surprise. They've made me feel at home here." She watched Tony twirl Pepper around on the dance floor. "Even Tony."
Home... it hurt him to hear her say it. Because for him, SHIELD didn't feel like home anymore, not without her. He hung his head and tried to gather is thoughts. "So this is it?" He asked eventually.
"Phil." She started, but didn't get a chance to say any more.
"No, Melinda. No." He raised his voice though no one but Melinda noticed. "Is it really that easy for you to leave it all behind?"
"You think this has been easy?" Melinda didn't raise her voice like Phil had. No she stayed calm, but the calmer she got, the more dangerous she got. She didn't want to get into this, not here, not now, maybe not ever. It simply hurt too much to see him and deal with the pain she felt by just looking at him. "No." She said. "You don't get to do this again. You don't get to blame me again."
"I'm sorry." He apologized. He quickly grabbed her hand, stopping her from walking away from him. "You called this place home and..."
She interrupted him. "You want me to be happy, right?"
"Of course."
"And what if I'm happy here?"
"Then I'm happy for you."
"Are you really?"
"Yes." For the first time since joining her on the couch he turned his head to look at her.
She felt his eyes on her but couldn't look at him. She knew his eyes, knew what she would see, and she didn't want to see it, yet. Instead she looked at the way his hand held hers, how his thumb caressed her skin and it made her realize how much she'd missed him. This wasn't fair. The effect he still had on her wasn't fair.
Standing up, her hand still in his, he gently pulled her to her feet. She raised an eyebrow at him, wondering what he was about to do. She really wasn't in the mood to dance with him. He gently shook his head at her, no they weren't going to dance. He just wanted them to talk somewhere a bit more quiet and private. With her hand in his, he started to guide her away from the dance floor.
It pleased him that she didn't pull away from him. He looked over his shoulder, glad to see her eyes on him. He gave her a soft smile before he focused back on finding them a place to talk. Together, their hands linked, their fingers entwined, they made a way through the crowd. He eventually found one far away from the crowd and noise. Reluctantly he let go of her hand and leaned against the railing with his back. He watched her carefully. Watched how the wind caught her hair, how the light caught her face as she looked over the city, confronting him once again with her beauty. He missed the warmth of her hand in his.
Another silence fell upon them, this time less uncomfortable than before.
"I'm sorry." Phil turned, leaning against the railing with his left side. His body, his eyes, his attention completely focused on the woman next to him.
Melinda kept her eyes on the sky line, taking in the beauty of the city. She wasn't ready to talk yet. She needed more from him first and so she waited.
"I lashed out." He continued. "I was hurt and I needed you to hurt just as bad."
"You managed that quite well." She couldn't help the snarky reply, but regretted it immediately. "That wasn't fair."
"I deserved that." His hand reached out for her again, but he stopped himself. He wanted to say more, but she spoke first.
"Did you ever trust me?"
"Of course." He immediately replied.
"Do you really believe that?"
"Yes." His voice was strong, determined. There was no doubt in his mind.
"Then why?" She turned to him now. "Why was it so easy for you to believe I betrayed you? Why didn't you listen to me? I was your partner for years and you didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt, Phil." Her voice though still strong, had turned soft again. "Why?"
It hurt to hear her words. It hurt to know how much he'd hurt her, it hurt to see what he'd done to her. "I'm sorry, Melinda." It was all he could offer and he doubted it would ever be enough.
It didn't seem like she'd heard him, but she had. "You're sorry? How could you throw our friendship away so easily? Did you think it was an easy decision for me? Fury asked me to keep an eye on you and to report to him if anything happened. At first I refused because I didn't want to betray you. Then I realized, it was my only chance to keep you safe." Her voice had turned to a mere whisper, but it was all he heard. "I couldn't lose you again. I couldn't go through that again. So I said yes to Fury, because this time I was going to keep you safe. I failed you back then, I wasn't going to let that happen again. I'd do it all again if it meant keeping you safe." She was trying hard to keep it together. She'd admitted more than she'd expected, more than she wanted and it made her feel unsure. She needed to put some distance between them to pull herself together.
Her words shook him. This was the first time she'd spoken about his death and it was the first time she'd shown him what it had done to her. Melinda May didn't share easily. He wanted to kick himself, or hit himself, if he could. He'd been such a jerk. Not once had he thought about what it had done to her. He'd been selfish. Only thinking about what she'd done to him. He hadn't even considered what it had done to her. He'd forgotten about her.
He could tell she was feeling uncomfortable and knew her well enough that she was going to distance herself from him. If he let her, he might not get the chance to talk to her again. For the second time that evening, he reached for her hand and stopped her from stepping away from him. She surprised him when she once again entwined their fingers. When she looked at him he almost gasped. For the first time she was showing him how his actions had hurt her. There was hurt and sadness in her dark brown eyes.
She looked at him, really looked at him for the first time in far too long. He looked tired. His blue eyes missing that spark she loved. He hadn't shaved and if he didn't look so tired, she might have liked that look on him. He wasn't wearing a suit. Instead he was wearing dark jeans and a blue button up shirt with the top two buttons opened. She liked this look on him, though she liked him in suit and tie too. She shook her head slightly. She needed to stop these thoughts. "Why are you here, Phil?"
"To ask you to come back to us." Because I miss you, because I need you back in my life, because without you I feel lost. It was what he wanted to say but it would be too much too soon and so he'd gone for what he thought was his best bet. Get her to come back to SHIELD and maybe then he could repair the damage between them too.
"So this is a professional visit?" She pulled her hand away from his and took a few steps back from him. She was disappointed in him, but even more so in herself because she had foolishly believed he was here for other reasons. It hurt. It brought back the memory of their heated argument in which he'd told her there was nothing personal between them anymore. Clearly that was still valid.
Seeing her retreat he wondered what he'd done wrong, what he'd said wrong. "Melinda?"
"I'm not coming back."
It sounded to definitive and he couldn't accept that. "We miss you." He saw how she tensed at his words. Clearly something had just happened that made her close up but he didn't know what he'd done.
"There's nothing for me to come back to."
"How can you say that?" He asked. She had turned her back towards him by now. He didn't like that. When she didn't talk, or refused to talk, he needed to see her face, her eyes to know what was going on in her head. "You are in integral part of the team."
"You don't need me."
"We do." He took a step closer. "We'll always need you."
A silence fell between them again. It seemed as if they'd hit a dead end with neither one of them knowing how to truly express their feelings. Phil watched how Melinda once again took a few steps away from him. This couldn't be how things ended between them. He couldn't let her walk away from him again. He could not lose her.
"I miss you." He admitted.
Her steps faltered, her shoulders slumped and she hung her head. This wasn't fair. He always knew how to get to her. "Phil."
He walked towards her until he faced her. "I miss you." He said once more.
"That's not good enough." She said, her eyes still focused on the floor. She couldn't look at him now. Not when she felt this vulnerable, not when she knew that if she would see his eyes, she would cave in and say too much.
"Then tell me what is." He took a chance and gently grabbed her arms to hold her close and in case she wanted to flee, to stop her.
She could feel his body heat, could smell his aftershave and felt the need to just lean forward until her head hit his chest. She hated what he made her feel. She clenched her fist, needing to get her herself back in control. "Can we just not do this?" She finally asked.
"No." He shook his head. "No, because if we don't we never will. You'll walk out of my life and I'll never see you again." He tightened his hold on her. "I can't accept losing you. I won't."
"That's not your decision to make."
"I know, but we need to talk about this and I won't leave until we do." He knew he had to give her some time to think it all over. "I'll let you get back to the party."
He surprised her, yet she should have known better. Phil always knew when to push and when not. He was giving her the space she needed to think it all over. He probably thought he was making it easier for her, when in truth he was making it harder for her to leave him behind. "Phil?"
"It's okay." She didn't need to ask her question for him to answer. Despite everything, they still knew each other. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be around. Besides, I'm the Director, I can do what I want."
She looked at him and smiled when she saw his gently smile. "I'll see you?"
"You will." He let his hands slide down her arms to her hands. He lingered before letting her go. He watched her walk back inside, glad she glanced over her shoulder, before she disappearing into the crowd on the dance floor. He took a deep breath. He hoped they had truly made some progress, but he wasn't sure.
TBC...