Oh my gosh! I am so, so sorry for leaving you all for this long. It honestly wasn't planned. I was ill at Christmas and then my NCIS fics sort of took off and then I forgot all about this and then three days ago I was like, "Crap. Look at when I last updated that thing." So I've sat for the last three days, rereading this and trying to come up with something decent. And guess what?! I'm ill again! So I apologise if the ending doesn't make sense. It's been a while so I'm slightly rusty. Updates might be a while but I promise they will not be 10 months this time! ~Rebecca
It's early in the morning when I manage to drag myself back to Sam's house. I spent the night in the woods, trying to figure out a way to become who I was. To become myself. It's a lot harder than anyone could possibly imagine.
I crawl in through the window just before Mrs Hinell comes in to wake me up for breakfast. Tessa wants to crawl into bed and accept all the comfort that this lovely woman could give, but Loreza, I know I shouldn't do that. I can't do that. I may be in deep cover but after my decision last night, what felt like comfort and a way to maintain cover yesterday feels an awful lot like betrayal today.
"Good morning, sweetheart," she says, opening the curtains wide. "Do you want to come downstairs for some breakfast? Thom's managed to get hold of some peaches. They're meant to be good on porridge."
Then she notices my appearance. The dark circles that must be under my eyes, my pale skin that unfortunately comes with my dark hair but is even paler with no sleep. With an expert hand, she feels my forehead and her mouth pulls into a frown.
"Mm, maybe you should stay in bed for an extra few hours. You feel a little warm. I'll bring your breakfast up on a tray."
I almost obey her not-to-subtle order but then I remember my promise to myself, to my people. It's the only thing that keeps me going, that summons my remaining strength to shake my head.
"No, I'll be fine. I think I'm just a little tired. Honestly!" I say, the look on her face suggesting that she doesn't believe me. However, she lets me out of the bed and holds out a hand before I topple over on myself. I am actually appalled at myself. I had an entire month of lessons dedicated to lying to people about my well-being, dedicated to controlling the way I feel. As my beautiful cousin likes to remind me, it only hurts if you let it hurt. If you don't let it, then it can't. She always complains I'm too soft.
-x-
After breakfast, Mrs Hinell suggests for Sam and I to go for a walk. I use the term 'suggests' lightly. She gives us a look that leaves no room for argument and I wasn't inclined to disagree. A walk won't distract me from my mission. It will actually be good for me. Get to see District Eight a little better with less suspicion.
It's a beautiful day, though slightly less humid than it has been. I like the heat but I hate humidity; it makes my hair stand up on end. The sky is blue and clear and there are birds tweeting in the trees that have been left untouched. The whole scene feels innocent, untainted. And for a moment I forget who I am, who I've been told to be. I just am. For those two blissful seconds, I am not anybody, yet I am everything.
Sam looks at me. "Tessa, you've been acting strange all morning. You okay?"
I turn around, with a smile on my face, ready to lie. "Yes, of course. I'm just a bit tired, that's all."
"Are you sure?" His eyes are big and round and they make me feel as if he can see into my soul. Which would be bad. Very bad.
I don't feel as guilty as I should when I lie. "Of course."
We walk for a while until we come to a stream. Up until now we've had a steady stream of conversation so when Sam suddenly stops, my instincts are to panic and to duck for cover lest there should be a hovercraft dropping bombs or a rebel with a weapon.
It's neither of those. It's a lake. A beautiful, freshwater, blue lake, So engrossed in our talking, I didn't realize we had come so far into the woods. I would normally be concerned, but all thoughts of my vow float right out of my head. It's gorgeous. Untouched. There is green grass surrounding the area and flowers and I just can't get over how beautiful it is.
"You like?" Sam says, seeing my face. "My dad used to bring me, Thom and McKenna – who's my sister, you just haven't met her yet, she's staying in district 13 with a cousin – here when we were younger. We never did anything of interest. But it was great. We just had a picnic, fooled around and drank tons of homemade lemonade."
The look on his face is almost wistful, it almost makes me feel bad. Almost.
"It's… beautiful," I say, breathless. Before I know it, I'm taking off my socks, my shoes and dipping my feet into the water. It's cold and refreshing and before Sam can join me I'm splashing my way across it. Suddenly there's a tremendous splash and cold water is all over my face. Once I clear my eyes, I see Sam smiling at my devilishly. I give him a coy smile and all of a sudden he's drenched.
We spend the afternoon soaking each other through to the bone. I enjoy it and what's more, I feel alive.
-x-
It's late at night when I sneak out to the hiding place in the woods. I know Mrs Hinell might tut at my in the morning but I don't care. I can't exactly help it if I receive a message saying make contact. Now!
The wireless communicator is in my hand and when I reach the clearing, I notice that the gold Capitol seal seems tarnished somehow, not as bright as it used to be. Shaking my head, I flip open the leather cover and press the button that will go through to the commander, telling him that I am 'requesting a video call'. It's accepted almost immediately and I can tell he's been waiting for it. I can also tell by the look on his face that he isn't happy. Great.
"Good evening, commander," I say, nodding my head out of the required respect.
"Good evening, soldier." He nods his head in reply. "I have some news."
"Sir?" I say and even though my voice is even, my heart is thumping in my chest. News from the commander means it's urgent, and I have lived long enough and through enough to know that urgent is never, ever good.
"I am sending in another person. You will remain at your post of course, but I will be sending someone else to your location. You cannot possibly befriend and require the exact information that we need to win this war. And no 'buts', soldier. You have already proven that the task is not possible. That is fine, there is no blame. We all can't be winners."
Oh no. "When does this soldier arrive, sir?"
"Monday." He nods, then he says, in a rare show of affection, "Stay safe, Loreza. I cannot lose you."
"I will, sir. I will."
"Good." Then he coughs and I can see he's embarrassed. "Goodnight, soldier."
"Goodnight, sir."
Then he rings off. And there's only one word going through my head right now.
Shit.