Wow. Loved the reviews. Spent ages last night just laughing gleefully because I'm weird like that. Anyways, you're probably here for chapter 6...WELL YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE! Kidding!...kidding...Here you go.
Link and Minda were sprinting (Yes, even Minda was. It was pretty disturbing.) away from a giant red post van that seemed to belong to a stripper dressed as a postman.
Do you think it's because he wants to have a special hug with me? Wolf-Link asked Midna over the roar of the giant engine.
"What in the name of squidgy chainsaws is a special hug?"
You don't want to know! Wolf-Link told her. Midna shuddered.
"I'm pretty sure I don't..." The driver of the giant red post van was now steering his vehicle towards them.
"Get out of the road jerks!" He yelled. "I have milk and I'm not afraid to use it!"
We're double screwed.
"Where are all these fucking jars of milk coming from?"
I'm guessing that it gets sold in that village we were trying to get into before this giant red post van started inconveniently trying to kill us...
Midna shrugged.
"It figures..." She said. The red van was speeding up. She tried to reason with the milked-up postman.
"THIS IS A FIELD, NOT A ROAD! DIDN'T YOU READ THE SPEED LIMIT?!?"
"I can't drive." He slurred in reply whilst taking another shot of milk. "It's not my fault..."
NOT HIS FAULT? NOT HIS FAULT?!? HE'S THE ONE TRYING TO KILL US!!!
"He's had too much milk...he doesn't understand reason anymore, Link!" Midna tried to tell him. But Link was hardly listening. He couldn't get the image of Epona, now flatter than a pancake that had been run over by a milked-up steamroller driver, out of his head. He looked behind him, and suddenly rage made him want to explode. This wasn't any normal rage. This was ELF rage.
THAT BITCH IS GOING TO GET THAT BIGGEST ELF-SLAP THEY HAVE EVER HAD! He declared before turning to face the red post van and leaping through its front window. The driver looked ecstatic.
"Oh, hey babe. Come to join the party? Wait...you look slightly more like a wolf than you did before. I like that look. It's kinda...foxy."
Wolf-Link was slightly disappointed to find that he couldn't elf-slap the postman pat stripper guy, mainly because he didn't have hands. He decided that he would just have to beat him up instead.
This is for running over my horse. Wolf-Link growled, knocking postman pat's milk out the window.
This is for ruining a perfectly good children's TV programme. He growled, knocking postman pat's favourite porn comic out of the window.
AND THIS IS FOR TRYING TO HIT ON ME! Wolf-Link roared, knocking postman pat out of the window.
Midna cringed as the postman soared half-way across Hyrule field whilst muttering things about being underpaid and life being unfair. The post van had stopped and a wolf jumped out of the window.
I don't think I'll be getting any more letters on a valentines day, but it was for a good cause.
"I agree...Now, should we go and check out that milk supplying village?"
I suppose I haven't really got anything better to do, apart from save the world, that is. But at the end of the day, who gives a damn about saving the world? I say we should go get milk!
Once Wolf-Link managed to dig under the bloodstained gates he and Midna made their way into the village. Suddenly annoying music played and annoying writing appeared at the top of the screen saying that the village was called Kakariko village. The place was pretty much a wreck. The few people there were walked around dizzily.
Whoa...those people look like druggies.
"They drink milk, of course they're druggies."
Oh yeah... Before wolf-Link could carry on a depressing voice spoke from the spring next to them.
"Will you guys come over here a second...you look like you could help me."
But we're not councilors!
"I just wondered if you could stop the people of this village being addicted to milk...it's really depressing."
I can imagine.
"But how are we supposed to do that?" Asked Midna.
"I dunno. Just find a way and I might be just about happy enough to make the twilight disappear." Said the light spirit.
I suppose we'd better help him, we don't want any more milked-up postmen flattening us, do we now?
"I guess. Even though I really like the twilight, it makes me look more awesome."
And it means I don't have to wear an outfit that makes me look slightly more like an elf than I already do...we all have to make sacrifices sometimes, Minda.
"I suppose..."
"Will you two stop taking this game seriously and stop the milk of doom?" Said the light spirit.
Alright, alright. We're going!
Midna and wolf-Link spent the next half-hour trying to figure out ways to stop people being addicted to milk. Eventually they decided that they needed to build a secret laboratory and work for years to create a cure for milk-craving. The light spirit realised that this was going to make the game even more painfully boring than it already was and handed blazing torches to both of them.
"I think you're supposed to burn down the shop over there that sells the milk to people."
Wolf-Link's ears pricked up.
Burn?
"Oh god...you really shouldn't have said that." Midna warned the light spirit. "And I don't think the fact that you've given him a blazing torch is going to help either...." Before she could say another word wolf-Link pelted off. A few seconds later and the whole village was on fire.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!" Midna yelled.
"At least the milk's gone..."
"BUT SO IS EVERYBODY ELSE!!!"
"That's their problem! I'm happy now!" The twilight started to fade away as wolf-Link came bounding back up to them with a fiery stick in his mouth. The screen suddenly glowed white and everybody was blinded (including the player). When the white faded away Link looked like a camp elf again and Midna looked like the shadow of an imp. Link suddenly realised that he was still holding a smouldering stick in his mouth, and spat it out quickly.
"Ewww! It tasted all burny..."
"I could have guessed." Said Midna, looking at the stick, still blazing away in the liquid at Link's feet.
"Heh. It sure is lucky that you're standing in spring water and not oil."
"Are you trying to tell me something?" Asked Link, looking worriedly down at the stick, which was still on fire for some reason.
"Now where did you get that idea from?...You might want to get out of there, by the way." She replied, noticing that the fire was starting to spread around Link's boots.
"What the-? AUGH my designer boots!" He yelped, jumping out of the spring. The whole thing suddenly set ablaze and the two of them watched in puzzlement.
"What on Earth? I thought it was supposed to be a spring!"
"It was-" Came the depressed voice of the spirit "-Until I peed in it..."
"YOU PEE OIL? WHAT ARE YOU, A CAR?"
"Probably. It's the reason I became depressed in the first place."
"I think we ought to stay away from this guy. He scares me..." Squeaked Link.
"Same. I keep getting the feeling that he's going to turn into a vehicle and start chasing us again..."
Midna said, turning to look back at the light spirit to check that he hadn't turned into a giant red post van. It wasn't that surprising that he had.
"RUN!"Link yelled as the van suddenly accelerated towards them. "I thought that I'd killed the postman!"
"You did. This post van doesn't have a driver!"
"We're triple screwed."
"Quadruple if it's running on milk."
"And I wouldn't be surprised if it was..."
"Since when did this game turn into a bad Scooby doo episode?"
"It's nothing like a bad Scooby doo episode!"(Notices that they're being chased by a light spirit that somehow changed into a giant red post van without a driver.) "Ok, so maybe it is..."
The two of them kept on running until a woman popped out of her house and told them to come inside if they were looking for safety. Link and Midna didn't need to be told twice, and dived through the front door, accidentally taking the woman out.
"Jinkies! That was close..."Exclaimed Link
"I wouldn't be surprised if you got sued for copyright any second now." Midna growled. The woman spoke up in a strangely man-like voice.
"Hello children. The prophecies foretold that a great hero would come and save our village from the twilight."
"Then the prophecies got it wrong didn't they?" Midna smirked, noticing Link's peeved reaction.
"The prophecies also foretold that a cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf might save our village from the twilight instead, so I wasn't that surprised when you turned up." Continued the woman. Midna smirked at Link's even more peeved expression.
"I think that the prophecies got it spot on, wouldn't you agree, Link?" She said. Link narrowed his glare and huffed.
"You're gonna get elf slapped if you keep being mean!" He squealed grumpily.
"Bunny wabbit!"
"NOOOO! I'm gonna tell on you!"
"Cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac bunny wabbit!"
"THAT'S IT. YOU'RE NOT COMING TO MY PARTY!"
Silence.
Midna started crying. The woman looked furious.
"Go to your room, Link."
"But I don't even have a room..."
"GO!"
"I don't even live here! It doesn't make any sense..."
"This game stopped making sense six chapters ago. Now get out of my sight you horrid little boy!"
Link marched miserably down the stairs.
"NOT THAT WAY, DUMBASS! THE BEDROOMS ARE OVER THERE!" Screamed the woman, pointing towards another door on the other side of the house. Link marched miserably over to the door.
"NOT THAT WAY DUMBASS! THERE ARE NO BEDROOMS IN THIS HOUSE! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!" Screamed the woman. Link was extremely peeved at this point, not to mention confused.
Suddenly, he felt elf rage consume him again.
"Who do you think you are, huh? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?" He yelled at the woman.
"A man."
"I'M BEING SERIOUS HERE!"
"No seriously, I really am a man. Did I forget to tell you that I like you? When I say like I mean like like you. I mean I like you lot. In fact I like you so much, If there were any bedrooms in this house I would-"
"TO MUCH INFORMATION!" Link yelled. "Why is every guy in this damned game trying to hit on me?!?"
"Oh I can't imagine why..." Smiled Midna, who had stopped crying and was now laughing her ass off at Link.
"We're leaving, I'm sure the post van is long gone, come on Midna." Huffed Link. As he yanked open the door, the man/woman yelled after him.
"My name is Renado! Don't forget that when you call me, babe."
"I AM NOT A BABE!!!" Link screamed back at him, before slamming the door. Outside, Midna was about to start laughing her ass off again before she saw what was coming towards them. It wasn't just Colin who had re-spawned. Now the rest of the Ordon children were charging at them.
"Dammit! Why does this game involve so much running?" She cursed, as they sprinted away.
Ha ha! Finished in quarter of the time it usually takes me to update, and slightly longer than a normal chapter. Well that was fun to write! Reviews appreciated hugely as ever. Chapter 7 coming soon...ish...