Chapter Five: Thin Ice and Heavy Vibes, Oh My.
"Whoa, I'm your girlfriend now?"
"We've tried to kill each other, fought ghouls, and kissed a lot. I'm pretty sure we're married in some cultures." ― Archer to Rachel Hawkins (Spell Bound)
"There's a little tucked-in-a-corner club right over this way, boys and girls," Lorne said as they headed into the Venetian. Xander nodded.
"Why are you nodding, Goof Boy?" Cordelia demanded, looking up at him suspiciously.
"Hey – saw it the other day; think I know which one he means," Xander said. "The big Contractor's show and exposition is at the Sands Convention Center here in this complex."
Gunn nodded. "Hey – the demon casino where Jenoff used to do his soul stealing thing was in the sub-basements of the Palazzo right across there."
"Huh. Figures," Xander shook his head. "That's where I bumped into Cordelia last night – as in 'literally bumped into'."
"Don't remind me," she said. "Knocked me on my ass then picked me up and said, 'I'm so sorry, can I have you up here?'"
"Obviously, you said 'yes'," Gunn said.
"Repeatedly," Xander remarked.
Cordelia yanked her hand out his arm and whopped him on the shoulder.
"And then I kissed her brainless while she was chewing me out," Xander said. "Which, now that I think on it: not so much of a reach."
He ducked out of the way of the next blow, his eyes dancing.
"And then the two of you wandered off and got married?" Fred snickered, then sighed, "Oh, that's so romantic."
"Romantic? Are you out of your mind?" Cordelia said, her eyes widening. "Somehow, lots and lots of alcohol got involved. That's the only way I'd have ever married this- this- Jerkoid!"
"Uh huh," Fred said, seriously. "Tequila conquers again." She noticed everyone looking at her and shrugged, "Hey, I'm a Texan. I know all about Tequila and bad decisions."
"Hey!" Xander shot her a wounded look. "I resemble that remark."
"Wait," Cordelia stopped a moment, frowning. "If you've been at the Sands, then why are you staying at the Fitzgerald instead of the Palazzo?" The frown deepened, "Not that I would have wanted to have public sex all over the Palazzo instead... "
She broke off, flushing as she noticed that everyone had stopped and was staring at her. "Err. I thought that out loud, didn't I."
"In THX, Sweetie," Lorne said.
"Man. I'm thinking we shoulda gone out partying with you guys last night instead," Gunn remarked as they set off again.
"Oh, shut up." Cordelia slugged him on the arm this time and he danced away, laughing.
"Oh look, dinner and a show," Xander said, smirking. He held his hands up in surrender as Cordelia glared at him, "Anywho, S&C has a corporate account at Fitzgeralds."
"Oh, great," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes. "Now I'm going to be company gossip when the rest of your crew gets back home."
"Nothing most of them haven't seen before. Except for maybe the IT guys."
"Here we are, kiddies," Lorne said as they entered the club. "Not really karaoke night, but... Let me go and talk to the manager and the DJ for a minute and see if we can't work something out."
As he went strolling over toward the bar, Xander watched him, shaking his head, "And no one thinks twice about a bright green, red-eyed demon in a trench coat strolling up and asking to use the karaoke machine? Even with that fedora pulled down?"
"Hey, Vegas." Fred giggled. "They probably think he's with a show."
"No one blinks twice in L.A.," Cordelia said, "Why should they in Las Vegas? It's even weirder here, amazingly enough."
"Now you take that back," Gunn said. "Ain't no place weirder than L.A."
Lorne came back after a few minutes, carrying a Sea-breeze in one hand. "Ok, no probs. Vegas. Gotta love 'em."
Xander blinked, looking at Cordelia. "Oh-kay," he said, drawling the word out. "So, how does this work?"
"Easy, my young Casanova. You and the chickadee here just go up to the console and scroll around and pick some tunes you like, then each give me a number." He smiled, "Then afterward, we go sit in a corner and I give you your reading. Bang, zoom, zowie."
"Right."
"Ok, come on, Dweeb," Cordelia took him by the arm. "Let's get this over with."
The Angel Investigations crew migrated to the bar to watch as the two bickered and argued, occasionally punctuated with sharp gestures for emphasis. Xander pointed out a title and Cordelia stuck her tongue out at him, laughing.
"So... " Gunn said, looking at Lorne. "Think anything amounts to a hill of beans for our two crazy kids up there in this here world?"
"Well, you're mangling your Bogart, there, Shaft," Lorne said, "But I get the gist." He shrugged, palms up, "No clue. But some of the vibe off of those two, momma mia!"
"Fang there didn't look real happy when he caught what Cordy done and with who," Gunn remarked. "Whom?"
"Wait," Fred did a time-out gesture with her hands. "Ok, so, yeah, dropping off radar last night was a bit irresponsible, I'm a little irked by that, what with your soul in the balance and all – but Cordelia's a big girl now. She can decide to go off and have a drunken fling ending in marriage if she wants to, right?"
"Yup." Gunn said, "And, hey – my soul, I should be the one all bent outta shape, if anyone. But I'm not, all that much."
"Or Groo, considering," Fred added.
"Not quite that simple, Peter Gunn, little Fredrika," Lorne said, shaking his head. "I'm gathering there's a lot of history there, and a bit of bad blood between our Dark Avenger and young Lochinvar there. And maybe some strong feeling on Tall Dark and Fangsome's end for the girl in question."
"Whoa – wait," Gunn's expression went incredulous. "You think Angel's got feelings for Cordy?"
"Feelings? Yes," Lorne gave a Gallic shrug, "But I don't think even our Angel of Darkness knows what kind of feelings."
"And the dude just got slapped in the chops with the concept that the time for figuring out may have done gone past," Gunn said, nodding slowly. "Man. Sucks to be him."
Up at the karaoke stage, following a vigorous discussion, Xander flipped a coin and Cordelia grinned at him, heading off the stage and down towards them. They broke off the line of conversation as she came up.
"Get it all figured out?" Gunn asked.
"Yup." Cordelia gestured to the stage. "And Dweeb there gets first shot." She frowned, "Hopefully Doofus won't give me too hard an act to follow."
Around them, the various tables fell quiet – or at least quieter – as the lights dimmed and a spot over the karaoke stage and strains of piano and synthesizer came floating out of the karaoke machine.
Xander took the mike loosely in one hand, and a threw a wink and a half grin at Cordelia; before his eyes half closed and he launched softly into the quiet initial lines of...
"Tonight... I'm gonna have myself a real good time, I feel a-li-i-i-ive and the worrrlld it's turning inside out Yeah! I'm floating around in ecstasy so... "
... in a very credible Freddy Mercury.
A minute or so later, Gunn said, "Holy crap." He nudged Cordelia with an elbow, "Did you know he could do that?"
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, only since Glee Club in the seventh grade, duh. And eighth grade talent show." She shook her head, "Hand him some original music and cut him loose and he's hopeless. But give him something he knows? And he can yank the voice for it somewhere out of his nether regions."
Lorne nodded, "Freddy's definitely not rolling in his coffin tonight, that's for sure." Some of the women in the club and a few of the men were starting to clap along.
"And he's so doing this just to embarrass me when I get up there and screech like a tomcat. Jerk."
She saw Angel come in around the time Xander hit the segment on being a rocket ship on his way to Mars, and lean against a wall near the door, watching the stage with a pained expression. Fine. He wanted to be an antisocial jerk and pout over there instead of coming to the bar to join them, let him.
She grinned and said the hell with it mentally, and started clapping the rhythm along with everyone else. She felt her face get hot and a flush creep up her neck when he locked eyes with her on 'wanna make a supersonic woman outta you' and threw him a wolf whistle.
'Screw Angel, anyway. Metaphorically.
She grinned when Xander came down and headed over to them after, flushed and looking a bit startled at the applause and cat calls.
"Way to go, Jerkoff," Cordelia said, smacking him on the arm. "Make me want to go find a hole somewhere and pull it in after me."
"Aww." Xander grinned back at her, accepting a slap on the palm from Gunn. "I just wanted to get it out of the way while there was still an audience. Before they all ran shrieking out of the club."
"Oooooh. I'll show you 'shrieking'," she said, tossing her head and stalking angrily up towards the stage.
"That's what we're afraid of, dear," Xander called after her. He accepted a beer from the bartender and leaned back to sip it.
"Ouch," Gunn remarked. "You really don't want to live 'til morning, do you?"
"You've heard Cordy sing, right?" Gunn's wince gave him all the answer he needed.
"Y'all two are being mean," Fred said. "And why is Angel leaning way over there?"
"I think he's pouting," Xander said.
Up on the stage, Cordy settled onto the stool, and her eyes flashed at him as she smirked and launched into...
"Some-body once told me the world is gonna roll me – I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. And he was looking kinda dumb with his fingers and his thumb... "
She waggled the 'L' shape at him and he laughed.
"Huh. Not so bad," Gunn allowed.
Fred nodded vigorously, "It's no 'Greatest Love of All', and may I say: thank gods for that."
"Now who's bein' mean?"
"Helps when she picks one she can kinda talk her way through," Xander remarked. "Talking, she's good at."
"Ok, goys and burls," Lorne said when Cordy'd finished up and rejoined them. "I know I said that 'once you were done' and all that," he held up a hand to forestall objections, "But I really need you two lovebirds to do me one more little thang first."
"Whut."
"Oh, no you don't," Cordelia said, shaking her head before Lorne even spoke again. "No. Hell no."
"But you haven't even heard me out," Lorne grinned. "Seriously. The two of you got lots of vibes going on up there," he said. "Painful vibes, even – for me," he waved to the bartender and pointed to his Sea-breeze. "Ow."
"So, you want us to... " Xander said, lifting an eyebrow.
"Make like a couple and head up there and give me some duet action so I can sort this all out," Lorne suggested. "Please."
Sighing, Cordelia grabbed his hand. "Fine. C'mon, Dork. Let's get this over with."
As they hit the lists again, Angel came over and ordered a Bushmills neat and tossed it back before turning to the others.
"Hey, Mister Anti-social," Fred said.
"Not now, Fred," Angel said. "Please."
She subsided, and he glanced over at Lorne. "So, get anything interesting from that?"
Lorne gave him a pained look. "Come on now, Big Guy," he said, "You know readings are between me and the client, only."
Angel nodded. "Well, except for the times when they're not."
"Hey – " Lorne held his hands up, palms out. "Special circumstances for anything, Bella. But these? Not one of them."
Angel sighed. "I know. I just... "
"Yeah," Lorne nodded, giving him a sympathetic look. "But if the kiddies want to share, that's up to them."
"So, Boss Man," Gunn said, giving Angel a sharp look. "What's with you and the White Boy up there, anyway?"
"I dunno," Angel said, shrugging. "He just bugs me, is all." He glanced up at the stage where Xander and Cordelia were still having a spirited – and laughing – discussion over song choices. "And he's not right for Cordelia."
"Dunno," Fred said, dubiously. "They look pretty right to me from here."
"Oh, hell no." Angel winced. "And marriage? To Cordelia? He's just a kid."
"Heh. Don't look now, Boss, but Barbie is just a kid," Gunn stated. "So are we all, really, that aren't in the two-hundred fifty bracket." He waved at the Pylean, "And whatever Lorne is."
"A gentleman never asks, and a lady never tells," Lorne said, smirking.
Angel snapped his head around, "But Cordy is – "
"Twenty-one, just," Gunn said. "Last I checked."
"And hey – free, white and twenty-one," Fred started, then her mouth made an 'O' and she looked apologetically at Gunn, "Sorry."
"Hey, no thang," Gunn grinned down at her.
"Old enough to marry, in most states," Fred finished.
Angel looked more and more dismayed as they went on. He shook his head, "But to Xander Harris?"
"Up to the girl, right?" Gunn said, shrugging.
Up at the mike, apparently having settled on something, Cordy and Xander settled in as the lights dimmed slightly and the soft stage spot lit them up.
Lorne held up a hand. "Hush. I really need to hear this."
Cordelia said something inaudible and Xander smirked, making her swat at him as he took his mike and leaned back from her.
He leaned down to whisper something, and Cordelia's eyes flashed at him in an 'Oh you so did not just say that!' way that was familiar to everyone at A.I.
Xander grinned down at the flushed and obviously outraged girl, straightened a bit and tossed his head to whip his hair from his eyes, and then leaned forward slightly, his eyes narrowing, the corners of his lips curling up in something that was half grin, half sneer, and growled out in a dangerous and just slightly menacing tone:
"So. On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red, red roses?"
Cordelia paled slightly and gulped so hard she missed her cue, joining in on the next line after.
"Holy shades of young Elvis, Batgirl," Lorne said. Angel's mouth dropped open.
Nodding vigorously, Fred said seriously, "I think half the panties in this room just got drenched."
Gunn stared at her incredulously. "Ok, who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?"
She giggled. "Hey! Before I spent five years living in a cave on Pylea, I was a college girl, jeeze," she said. "A grad student even. Have you ever been to a post-grad party?"
"No, can't say I've had the pleasure," Gunn drawled.
"I'm crazy, Charles, not a virgin." She looked back at the stage where Xander had just leaned forward again, smirking, to drawl, 'I'll just bet you say that to all the boys'. She smirked, "And definitely not dead from the waist down."
Gunn grinned back at her, and looked back to the stage, "Hey, Barbie's not half bad for a change."
Lorne nodded. "Barely suppressed rage apparently does wonders for Cordelia's pipes."
Angel stared up at the duo on stage, his mouth slightly open. At scattered tables around the club, people started to clap-clap on the 'tween beats as Cordelia leaned in, eyes and lips sparkling, and hit the alternate 'musta been while you were kissing me' to Xander's 'and then you took the words right out of my mouth' on the refrain.
He closed his jaw and glowered at the pair, pensively. It occurred to him that he hadn't seen Cordelia glowing and looking quite that happy in... he couldn't think of when, actually.
Definitely not since before Doyle died, anyway.
Somehow, this situation was spiraling out of control and Angel had no idea what to do about it.
"Ok, kiddos," Lorne began...
They'd grabbed a corner booth and left Angel and the others sitting at the bar talking – or not, as the case might be: Angel didn't seem too communicative – and retreated for some privacy.
"Man oh man," the green-skinned demon pinched the bridge of his nose, and held up two fingers to the waitress after pointing at his nearly empty Sea-breeze glass. "Remind me not to have you two do that again. At least not without some extra-strength Excedrin around, 'k?"
Xander shrugged and took a swig of his Arrogant Bastard Ale – a choice that'd made Cordelia smirk and laugh out loud when he'd waggled his eyebrows at her and ordered it. "So, oh wise Swami, what do you have for us?"
"Eeny meeny, chili beany, the spirits are about to speak," Lorne intoned.
Cordelia leaned forward, wide eyed, "But are they friendly spirits?"
"Just wait," Lorne grinned. "The shortest distance between two wisecracks – a straight-line. Ok." He took a deep breath and looked to Cordelia...
"You should be thanking your lucky stars that you bumped heads with young Lochinvar here, cutie. Not real sure exactly what the Fates had in mind for you, but it wasn't pretty, whatever it was."
"Wait," Cordelia held up a hand, "But I thought that the half-demon essence thing headed off the badness I was headed for, that Skip showed me?"
"Aspect of a demon, never a good thing," Xander said, his eyes going dark. She glared at him and he shrugged, "I'm just sayin', is all. Buffy and the telepath demon?"
Cordelia made a face.
"And," Xander turned to Lorne, scowling, "Why didn't you pick up on this before?"
"Not sure, and I'm not any happier about that than you look to be," Lorne said. "And believe me, Cordelia really is important to me – to all of us." He sighed, shrugging, "Didn't help that probably right after, Angel gave Cordy here a big bonus and sent her off on vacation with her Pylean Lothario for a couple a months and I never had much of a chance to.
"Anyway," he turned back to Cordy, "Your path just lightened considerably from what was around it, what I could see of it. And, apparently, that's tied in with your chance encounter here."
"Oh, great." She sighed, "So now I'm stuck with Dorkus here?"
"Now now, I didn't say that. But your paths are tangled up with his now, obviously." He drank down the rest of his Sea-breeze, and turned to Xander, leaving Cordelia to chew on that. "And you – " Lorne shuddered. "You needn't worry about the destiny thing or not believing in it. You, my young friend, have no destiny."
"Wait, I'm going to die?" Xander looked alarmed. "And I was such a nice guy, too."
"No, no. Nothing like that," Lorne said. "It's more like... like I said, you have no destiny. The signposts I remarked on earlier? Yours are blank. And more – it's no wonder you derailed that Prophecy I glimpsed in your past. You, you are an agent of chaos."
"Heh. I always felt like Maxwell Smart in a James Bond world," Xander said, smirking. Cordelia snorted.
"Not a bad analogy," Lorne said. "You're the Bugs Bunny of the supernatural world."
Snort. "More like the Moe Howard," Cordelia interjected.
"Nyuk nyuk nyuk," Xander said and she stuck her tongue out at him.
"Laugh it up, fuzzballs. But I am being serious here – those are apt. Your roads of life, Xander?" Lorne said, seriously, "are like a rabbit warren, all looped around and crossing in and out over each other. Wherever your road hits a fork, so many different possible paths break out I can't even see all the possibilities." Lorne scowled. "And when someone else comes into your orbit? All the probabilities go out the window. You're like a logic bomb in the weavings of the web – you take a great big pair of garden shears to the threads of fate without apparently even trying, and hack up other peoples carefully plotted destinies."
"So Xander's a hairball in the throat of fate," Cordelia said, frowning. "Not like that's news or anything, but what all does it mean? Like, for us? And, more importantly – me!"
"Damifino, Cupcake." Lorne threw his hands up. "All I can tell you is that now you have chances and options, where you were apparently locked in before. And you have Lochinvar here to thank for that – things were grim, did I mention that? Before."
"Great." She threw up her hands, "I mean, not that I'm not grateful or nothing, I guess, but... "
"But you and Angel-kins are supposed to be the helpers of the helpless, not the rescuee?"
"Something like, yeah."
Lorne gave her a sympathetic look, but said, "Hey – as a wise man once said, we all need someone to lean on. Sometimes, that's just the way it is."
"So, Master Yoda, what about the future?" Xander asked, raising his eyebrows.
"The future you seek, hrrm?" Lorne shrugged, "Agent of Chaos, meet chaos theory. No clue, really – there's so many branching paths and possibilities for you both ahead they look like spaghetti cable in a server farm."
Lorne gave Cordelia a serious look, and added, "But if I were you, and I swung that way, I'd grab onto Maxwell here and hang on for dear life. Your entwined paths may not ever be safe – but they'll never, ever be boring."
"Oh no. Oh, no you don't," Cordelia said, her eyes going wide. "Not gonna happen. We're getting annulled, like, ASAP." She gave Xander a desperate look, "You understand, right? I can't be married."
"And especially not to me, right?" Xander gave her a sour look. "Story of our lives, schweetheart."
"Not what I meant." She gave him a helpless, almost pleading look. "So very much not what I meant!"
"Up to you kids," Lorne said. "I just calls 'em like I sees 'em. And the only thing worth every penny is free advice."
"I need a drink," Cordelia said. "A stiff one."
"I think that's what you said last night, Mrs. Harris," Xander smirked.
"Ok, so, not that stiff, maybe," Cordelia grinned wryly at him. She slid out of the booth, standing.
"Think I'll join you on that. Mr. Jack and Mr. Black don't sound like a bad thing at the moment." He slid out and went after her, miming tipping his hat to Lorne. "Thanks, I guess."
Lorne shrugged, and drained his Sea-breeze, motioning to the waitress for another.
"I do know one thing, even without being able to see it," he remarked out loud to himself and the empty booth. "Clothos, Lachesis, and Atropos never like having the shears taken to their tapestries. Neither do the Powers."
He lifted his glass toward the pair. "Interesting times, my young friends."