Broken

Chapter 6

By six, Reid and Rossi had been to the former's apartment, the senior profiler studying his junior for any visible reaction to being in the place from which his mother and her caretaker had been kidnapped, and doors away from where that caretaker had been murdered. Reid had already been there once, with JJ, but that had been in the midst of trying to save Diana. He'd been entirely focused then, and not yet processing all that had happened to his life. But the processing had since begun, and Rossi was concerned about how his young friend would handle it.

But, no matter Rossi's scrutiny, there had been little to see. It was as though Reid had purposely kept his features set, nearly immobile, which fact was telling in itself.

He's afraid of his own reaction. He doesn't trust his control right now, so he's made a preemptive strike.

Rossi had actually taken that as a positive, because it indicated some degree of self-awareness, and because the fact that Reid had pulled it off indicated that he did have some control. He could only hope that Reid realized that.

The apartment had suffered the usual dishevelment of a crime scene investigation, with drawers hanging open, some overturned, their contents still lying spilled on whichever surface had caught them. Cabinet doors were ajar, clothes thrown from the closet onto the torn-apart bedding, a fine layer of dust settled over every surface on which a fingerprint might have been found.

Reid had barely flinched, except at the site of his beloved books strewn about, some tented upon the ground, their pages and spines pathetically bent. But, as still as he'd kept his features, he'd not been able to suppress his autonomic response. Rossi had watched his young friend go pale as he'd taken in the extent of the invasion into his privacy.

Not that it hadn't been pretty much obliterated for the duration and process of his incarceration. By that standard, the idea of fellow law enforcement looking at his things shouldn't have rattled Reid so much. But Rossi had long since come to realize how much refuge Reid took in his home, how much solace he'd found in his books. For Reid, companionship had been found there. Wisdom. Sanctuary.

Aware of the tenuous resolve of his companion, Rossi had hurried them through the inspection, announcing his intention to have a cleaning crew come through in the morning.

"Everything will be back in its place, there won't be a speck of dust left. It will look better than when you left it."

Immediately wanting to throttle himself, remembering the circumstances under which Reid had left it, and how long ago. Rossi had been immediately apologetic.

"I'm sorry. You know what I mean."

Reid had responded with gratitude.

"I do know what you mean. And, thank you. I wouldn't have known where to start."

Rossi had patted him on the back. "You're very welcome, my friend. Least I can do."

Reid's stoic mask had dropped, for just a moment, at that.

"Are you kidding? You've opened your home to me, and my mom, when we had nowhere to go. You found Roy, who's a gift all by himself. And now you're taking care of JJ." The young man had only been able to shake his head. "There's no 'least' about it. You've been a godsend, when I least deserved one. I won't ever be able to thank you enough."

Troubled at the words, Rossi had stared long enough to draw Reid's gaze to him.

"It's what friends do for one another, Spencer. There's no such thing as 'deserved'. You had a need, and I was able to meet it, simple as that. And I think I had all the thanks I will ever need, this afternoon."

At the confused look from Reid, Rossi had explained.

"When I came back from dropping Sandy off, and found you and JJ sound asleep on the porch. I've probably seen the two of you like that a thousand times on the plane, and not given it a second thought. But today….today, it was a thing of beauty."

That, finally, had drawn a small smile from the young genius.

"It felt good. We had nowhere else to be, and nothing else we could do, but heal. It felt almost normal."

"Almost?"

Reid gave him a wry look. "Well, we were on your porch, and not the plane. Both of us are still pretty beat up. We're still worried about Emily. We don't know what will happen with the team. Oh, and a crazed serial killer just tried to kill most of us."

Rossi chuckled. "Business as usual."

They had dinner family style, joined at the table by Diana, who'd awakened from her afternoon nap with an increasingly rare lucidity. Roy had finally departed, and his relief nurse arrived. Apparently he'd managed to convince the agency of the safety and security of this location, so his replacement was a woman, which was much more to Diana's liking.

"Although her name is masculine. I don't know why any mother would look at a beautiful little girl, and name her Lou."

JJ could relate. "Maybe it's just a nickname she acquired, short for Louise. I know my mother still insists on calling me Jennifer, but hardly anyone else ever does."

Diana looked at her. "Jennifer is a beautiful name. If Spencer had been a girl, it would have been his name. Although my preference would have been to call him…her…Guinevere, but I allowed William to convince me that it was too medieval. So it was to be the modern version of the name."

This was news to the two youngest at the table…..Reid, that his mother had planned to give him the name of his best friend, and said best friend, at the root of her name.

"I never even knew….wow. Thank you, Diana. So, where did Spence's name come from?"

Reid knew the answer to that one. "It's a play on the name of the English poet, Edmond Spenser. His most famous work was The Fairie Queene."

Diana nodded. "Yes, it was a work designed to teach the virtues of the time, the things to which a young man should aspire…..holiness, chastity, temperance, justice, courtesy, and friendship."

Rossi raised his glass. "Those are virtues in any time. And I'd like to make a toast to that last one."

The two younger agents followed his example and raised their glasses, and then Diana joined them, at a nudge from Reid.

"These past few months have been some of the longest and most difficult of my career, mostly because the very last thing they contained was justice. I'm not fool enough to think there aren't difficult times ahead, or that we are past this, by any means. But I am grateful to be here, celebrating Spencer's coming home, and JJ's healing….and friendship. One thing all of us know is that tomorrow is never guaranteed. So what better thing to do than to celebrate today, with good food, good wine, and good friends."

"Here, here." From JJ and Reid. Diana just looked confused. "I don't understand. Where was Spencer? Why did he need to come home?" Turning to Reid, she asked, "Is this where we live now, Spencer?"

JJ had seen some of this during Reid's incarceration, and she was sure he'd seen it beforehand. But Diana had been lucid for most of her waking moments since the time of her rescue, and here was the ugliness of Alzheimer's rearing its ugly, and unpredictable, head. She felt for her friend, and reached over to pat her support, unseen, on his knee.

Reid was grateful for the touch. He hadn't exactly forgotten about the dementia, but he also hadn't had such an unmistakable reminder of it, in the days since they'd been reunited. But he was long practiced in tending to Diana's departures from reality, and he immediately fell back into the role of caretaker.

"No, Mom, we don't live here. We're just staying for a few days, until my place is ready for us. It got….there was a problem in the building, and the apartment needs to be cleaned. Do you remember anything about that?"

"Have I ever been there?"

The following day, JJ insisted upon returning home, not wanting her mother worn down with caring for the boys. Reid agreed to take her there, after they stopped by the hospital to visit a recovering Emily, now in a private room.

From the passenger seat, JJ looked over to her friend.

"At least she doesn't remember." Thank God for small favors.

"Yes, there's that. I just hope it doesn't come back to her, later on."

"Does that happen?"

"Sometimes. But if it does, at least she'll already be in a different situation."

JJ caught the inference. "Situation? Does that mean you've figured out that you can't keep her with you?"

Reid stole a glance at her. "I think I figured it out a long time ago. I was just having trouble acknowledging it."

"Well….whatever. I'm glad you got there. I mean, I'm sorry that it has to happen, but I don't think it would be good for either of you to try to make it work at your apartment."

"Yeah, well….it hasn't worked out all that well so far, has it?"

JJ picked up on the self-recrimination in his tone.

"You were only trying to help her, Spence. You did it for all the right reasons."

He shook his head. "Reason had nothing to do with it. I wasn't thinking straight, I was…."

"You were feeling. There's nothing wrong with that. You love your mother, and she loves you. So what if you let your emotion guide you for a while…at least that emotion was 'love'."

Not like Cat Adams, who has only ever been fueled by hate.

For what the woman had done to her best friend, and to the mother he loved, JJ could easily connect with hate. It was powerful, and sickening, and she couldn't even imagine having it as one's core.

Reid chanced diverting his eyes from the road long enough to look at her, and read her features immediately. He reached a hand over in gratitude.

"Thanks. But I need to start using my brain about this. Whether or not I come back to the BAU, it's clear I can't take care of her. I don't have the skills, and it's not fair to her."

There it was, hanging over them like a sword, the idea that he might have to leave the BAU. Or that he might choose to do so. Somewhere, deep inside, JJ knew that she loved him enough to let him go, if that was what was best. If that's what she had to do. But the surface emotion was anxiety. She would miss him terribly, feel isolated, and alone, even while still among friends. For although she also loved Emily Prentiss and Penelope Garcia, and even David Rossi, she'd never opened herself up to them quite the way she'd done with Reid. In truth, she'd probably never even opened up with Will quite the same way. She wasn't at all certain that she could stay in the job without the support of her best friend.

It was too challenging a topic for her to handle right now. Her head still hurt, she was emotionally on edge, and she could only imagine that he was as well. Better to stick with Diana, even if that topic was also emotionally laden.

"Are you thinking of sending her back to Bennington?"

He shook his head. "I would, if I thought they could handle her. But, as Rossi pointed out to me, she's already walked away from there once. She needs somewhere more secure, something designed for dementia."

"So….maybe closer to you, then? I …. I hope you don't mind, but I spoke with Cassie about it…before."

"Before my stupidity about my mother got her killed, you mean."

"Spence, please stop it! You didn't do anything wrong! You tried to take care of your mother, and then those two madwomen perpetrated their evil. You're not responsible for Cassie."

He wasn't having it. "If I hadn't been so stupid about it in the first place….it was foolish of me to think I could take care of my mother. It was hubris to think that I could find a medicine that her doctors couldn't. I cost Nadie Ramos her life, and Cassie."

JJ's hands went to her head, which was pounding. Reid noticed and alarmed, pulled over to the curb.

"Are you all right?"

She didn't answer the question, too intent on making her point.

"You did not kill either of those women. Lyndsey Vaughn did that, at the behest of her lover. You do not get to own that."

Reid broke eye contact, feeling the intensity of her gaze. She didn't understand.

"Lyndsey Vaughn is a product of her environment. She was raised by a gangster. Violence was all she ever knew, and then she fell under the spell of a hitwoman. For that matter, Cat is a product of her own childhood. No matter what I said to her, I can't hate her."

JJ leaned forward, resting her aching head in her hands. If he hadn't bent close to tend to her, her words would have been too soft to hear.

"But you can hate yourself."

"What?"

She sat up again, and nailed him in her line of sight. "You can hate yourself. You can't hate these women who killed two others, and who knows how many more, because you can find a way to forgive them. But you can't forgive yourself."

"JJ…"

"No, Spence, hear me out, please." She waited for him to settle back behind the wheel, acquiescing. "We're all the product of our environment, and our upbringing. We all have difficulties to look back on, and you have more than many. The difference is, some of us use our past as an excuse, and some of use it as a reason. There's a reason why you, and I, and all of our friends, have gone into the business we have. None of us left childhood unscathed. But we turned whatever hurt us into a motivation to help other people. That's what makes us different. That's what makes you different from Lyndsey and Cat. Neither of those women is unintelligent. They each had the ability to make a choice, and they did so. I don't want to hear you owning the evil they chose. You did what you did for love. Please don't ever regret that."

She brushed impatiently at the tears of frustration….and pain…that had escaped her eyes. This wasn't the time for him to appease her out of pity. It was important that he understand what she was saying to him. Important that he believe it.

But his response belied her failure to convince him.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I'm sorry. Let's just ….. let's just go and wish Emily well, and then I want to get you home. Unless you've changed your mind. Are you sure you're ready to be around the boys? They've not exactly mastered the art of staying quiet, have they?"

She recognized the attempt at diversion, and had no choice but to give in. She wasn't at her best, and they were both too emotionally raw. But JJ would remember this exchange, word for word. She'd known there would be a battle ahead, raging within her best friend. This had given her a glimpse of the battleground. She could strategize now. Right after she figured out how to get her head to stop hurting.