Rayna just stared at the phone, struggling to breathe. She tried to calm her jangled nerves, knowing that it didn't necessarily mean everything was okay. He could still be just as angry as he'd been the day she told him, or even angrier. She sat up on the side of the bed and responded. When?
A minute went by. Ten okay?
Tears were sliding down her cheeks. I'll be there. She knew exactly where he meant for them to meet. At least that hadn't changed. The way they knew what the other one was thinking, how in sync they were. She looked at the clock beside the bed. It was a little after eight. She got up and ran for the shower.
As she drove to the little park along the river, she thought back over the last thirteen years. He'd asked her why she hadn't told him about Maddie before and she realized she didn't have a good answer for that. It had just been comfortable. Teddy had adored Maddie from the day she was born and they'd been thick as thieves as Maddie grew up. Even after Daphne was born, there had been a special bond between Teddy and Maddie, one she'd been hesitant to break. But as she thought back over that time, she knew that it had been unfair to Deacon, keeping him away from his daughter, pretending she belonged to someone else.
She felt heartsick for everyone. She knew this was painful for Teddy and, as much as she'd known this was the right thing to do, she'd felt her own pain at having to tell him. She hadn't even begun to think about how this would affect Maddie. That would come, but later.
She wasn't sure she had good answers for Deacon, for the questions he'd asked and the questions he was sure to ask now. The one thing she'd always known, from the day she'd met him, was that he loved her. But this was huge. She'd broken his trust, lied to him about the most important thing in both of their lives together. He might never forgive her, might be lost to her forever. She choked on a sob. Tears clouded her vision as she drove.
When she finally arrived, Deacon's truck was already there. She sat in her car for a minute, wiping the tears away, taking deep breaths to calm herself. She turned down the visor and opened the mirror. She ran a finger under each eye and wiped along the outside edges. She felt sick to her stomach. She sighed deeply and then she opened the door and got out.
He was hunched over on the picnic table as she approached, turning to look at her at the last moment. He looked haunted, almost, sadness rimming his eyes. She didn't see anger, but the resignation she saw in him didn't encourage her. "Hey," he said. She couldn't judge his tone.
She gave him a weak smile. "Hey." She climbed up on the table and sat down, beside him but not touching. "I was glad to hear from you."
He nodded and then looked out over the river. "I thought we should talk."
She started to say something, but decided that maybe she should wait and let him say what he needed to say. She just nodded, as he turned to look at her.
He worked his lip and then sighed. "You shoulda told me, Ray," he said quietly. She looked at him for a moment, then down at her hands in her lap. "You know, I get that I was a mess back then, when you found out you were pregnant, but, you know, I got better. And I have been for a good long time. Why not tell me when she was a little older?"
She looked at him. "You were always part of her life, growing up."
He shook his head in exasperation. "It wasn't the same. You know that. Yeah, I was there, but I didn't get to do the things I should have done. I didn't get to help her learn to ride a bike, or be there for her first day of school, or tuck her in at night. All those things she did with someone else."
She looked back down at her hands, then out towards the horizon. "I don't know, Deacon," she said, then turned to look at him. "When would have been the right time to blow up her life? You know, that's what I struggle with. I wanted us to do it together, but, you know, our life had been just so damn hard. I guess I could have told you somewhere along the way, but I couldn't stop remembering all the times I thought you were okay and then you'd disappoint me again. I just couldn't have you do that to her."
He turned away. "You know, I never thought you could hurt me the way you did when you told me she was mine. I trusted you, Rayna. No matter what happened between us, and all those years you were married to Teddy, I trusted you. God help me, I loved you anyway, even when I didn't think there was any hope for us, but I always trusted you. And now?" He shook his head. "I don't know what to feel right now."
She swallowed over the lump in her throat. "I never meant to hurt you," she said, her voice quivering.
He turned towards her. "But you did."
She could feel the tears streaking down her face. "I know I did. And I will regret that for the rest of my life." She took a deep, shaky breath. "I should have done things differently. I know that. And I know you might never forgive me for this. And if that's the case, I'll just have to live with that for the rest of my life." She wiped at the tears on her face. "But I need you to know that everything I did, I did for our daughter. I loved her so much and all I wanted to do was protect her from hurt and pain and disappointment. But you know what? I couldn't do that. She still felt all those things, because kids just do. And now I'm going to hurt her and that was something I never wanted to do." She breathed in again and rubbed a hand across her cheek. "And I hurt you too. I hurt the two people I love the most in the world and I just don't know what to do about that."
He looked away again, rolling his shoulders forward. She could see the tension in his face, see the pain and hurt in his body posture. When she'd looked into his eyes she'd seen disappointment and confusion and raw emotion, like she'd never seen before. She had never really thought about the consequences of her decisions and, even though she'd always believed she'd done the best she could for Maddie, she realized that she hadn't thought about what was best for him.
He sighed deeply, still not looking at her. "I need to understand what happened then," he said quietly. "What made you do what you did. I don't know if I can move on from it if I don't know that. You know?"
She slid her hands between her knees, rubbing them back and forth. "I know," she said. She took a deep breath. "Well, you know, I was dating Teddy then. After we broke up. I mean, I couldn't do it anymore, Deacon, you know that." Her voice was gentle, not accusing. She didn't think anything would be gained from getting angry. "But…I loved you. I always loved you. You know that too. It was so hard back then. I don't know if you really understood how painful all that was. There were so many times when I didn't know if you were dead or alive. I wouldn't be able to find you, sometimes for days, and then you'd turn up in a jail cell or a hospital room. I wanted to hate you for all that, for all the times you put me in a horrible position, but I just couldn't." She stopped and wiped away the trickle of tears. "You were in my blood, are in my blood. I just couldn't imagine my life without you in it, but I couldn't keep doing what we were doing. I wanted you to get better, but it wasn't happening. And then Coleman told me he thought maybe I needed to really let you go, that you couldn't get better if I was still there."
"I know all that, Rayna," he said, his voice flat. "I get it. I need to know why you chose not to tell me."
She ran her tongue over her top lip and took a deep breath. "I was scared. I told you, I came out to the cabin and I was gonna tell you. But you were out of control and I was scared. I didn't leave there thinking I wasn't going to tell you, but, you know, it was so upsetting. Teddy could see how upset I was and he asked me about it and finally I told him. And he was really hurt, but he offered to help. And, I guess, I just wanted to give my baby a normal life. I didn't want to have to worry about what would happen and be afraid all the time." She paused. "You know, it really wasn't that I thought you wouldn't love her, it was that I hadn't been able to count on you. And I knew you'd probably want to be all the things I needed you to be, but you hadn't been able to do it before and I just couldn't risk it. I didn't have a crystal ball that would have told me what would happen."
He finally turned to look at her, his eyes red rimmed and filled with anguish. "Okay, so let's say I get that part. I got better. I been better for thirteen years. All of her life. Why not tell me later?"
She looked at him and screwed up her face. "I don't know if I have a good answer for that. I guess as time went on it just seemed easier to do that. Maddie was happy and, as I said, it's hard to think about telling your child the man she thought was her father was not. Especially at a young age. How would we have explained that to her? Would she have even understood? And Teddy. Well, Teddy wanted to keep things as they were."
He let out a sharp bark. "Teddy fucking Conrad. He sure didn't care about my feelings, about the fact that he was keeping my daughter from me."
She breathed in. "Truthfully, he did not. But, Deacon, he's been a good father to Maddie."
He shook his head. "Unfortunately, that don't make me feel any better."
"I suppose not."
He sighed. "You know, I always thought, back when we were together, we'd get married some day and have our own kids. That family neither one of us really had. When you broke up with me, I thought that was over. I never wanted anyone else, Ray, never. I figured if I couldn't have you, I'd just be alone. There were a couple times I thought maybe I'd find someone else, but, you know, no one compared to you." He rubbed his face with his hands. "I just missed so much with Maddie, you know? Stuff I can't ever get back."
She bit the inside of her mouth, trying not to cry. "I was wrong, Deacon," she whispered. "I don't know what else to say to you, except I was wrong. And I know it doesn't change anything or make it better. But I can't go back and fix it either." She paused. "You know, this isn't just about us. It's about Maddie. So what do we do now?"
He sat looking out over the river for a long time without saying a word. She could see his jaw clench and unclench and wondered what he was thinking. Finally he breathed out and then turned to look at her. "We gotta tell her," he said.
She nodded. "I know."
"Have you thought about how you want to tell her?"
She shrugged. "A little bit. I'm not sure exactly how to start that conversation though."
He cleared his throat. "I want to be there."
"Of course. I would want you to be there." She hesitated. "Teddy would need to be there too." She could see him tense up. "As much as you don't like it, he's been her father her whole life. Right or wrong, he's a part of this."
He clenched his fists. "You know, that probably pisses me off about as much as you keeping this from me. Knowing you let someone else be her daddy. Even when you knew I was better, you thought it was better that he be her daddy than me." He worked his lip. "I wanna be part of her life. I want to be a dad to her. Maybe I missed everything else, but I can be a dad now."
She tried and failed to keep the tears at bay. She felt utterly defeated right then. "I'm just so sorry for all of it," she said. "I never wanted you to hate me for this."
He looked at her, confusion all over his face. "I don't hate you, Rayna," he said. "I could never hate you. I just need to figure this out. It's a lot to take in." He shook his head at her hopeful look. "I don't know what happens for us. I think we gotta get through this and get Maddie through this before we can think about that."
She wrapped her arms around her waist. "I guess I need to talk to Teddy. I get the girls back tomorrow, so maybe we should do it then." She looked at him. "Unless you think that's too soon."
He shook his head. "I don't think we need to wait. Tomorrow's good."
She nodded. "I'll talk to Teddy and then I'll let you know what time to be at the house."
"Sounds good." He straightened up, then stepped off the table. He looked at her, sadness etched across his face. "I'll see you tomorrow." Then without waiting for her to reply, he turned and headed back up the hill to his truck.
She turned her head to watch him. When his truck pulled away, she turned back and looked out over the river and let the tears slide down her face.
Rayna sat by the river for a while, thinking about the conversation with Deacon. Even though he'd told her not to be, she was encouraged by the fact that he'd told her they needed to get through this, with the unspoken word being 'together'. She wasn't going to give up on their future, but she would be cautious. This time in their lives was important and she didn't want to mess it up any more than she already had.
She was suddenly aware that the breeze had picked up, making the already cool temperature feel a little chillier. She shivered a bit, then reached in her pocket and pulled out her phone. She opened her contacts and scrolled down. She took a deep breath as her thumb hovered. Then she pressed call and, closing her eyes, put the phone to her ear.
"Hey, Teddy," she said, after he'd answered.
"What's up, Rayna?" Teddy asked. His voice sounded clipped and cool.
She swallowed hard. "I think we need to tell Maddie tomorrow. About Deacon."
She heard his irritated sigh on the other end. "So you're still determined to destroy our daughter's life," he said.
She frowned. "It doesn't have to destroy her life, Teddy. You and I both know this day would have come eventually. It really should have happened long ago, when we knew Deacon was okay."
"Deacon's never going to be okay, Rayna, you know that. He's an alcoholic and he could fall off the wagon at any time."
"But he hasn't, Teddy. He didn't. And he wants Maddie to know and he's right about that."
"So now you're letting him make decisions about our daughter?"
She didn't miss his emphasis on the possessiveness. "She's his daughter too, Teddy." She took a beat. "I know that Daphne has plans after school tomorrow, so I think that's a good day to do this. It's our crossover day anyway, so I think we should both be there when Maddie gets home. To talk to her."
"I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, Rayna."
She sighed. "Cancel it. Or reschedule it. This is more important." She waited for him to respond, but when he didn't, she went on. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Oh, and Deacon will be there too." After a moment, when he didn't say anything, she realized he'd hung up. She put her phone back in her pocket and wrapped her arms around her waist, leaning forward a bit. She felt sick to her stomach. She hoped Teddy would not disappoint her, and Maddie. This was just too important.
When Maddie walked in the house, Rayna and Teddy were sitting at the table. Deacon was standing at the kitchen island. Maddie looked confused. "Hey, Mom, Dad," she said. "What's going on?" She looked at Deacon. "What's Deacon doing here?" She walked over to the table, her face suddenly pale. "Is something wrong?"
Rayna shook her head and tried giving her daughter an encouraging smile. "Nothing's wrong, baby. Sit down," she said, patting the table.
Maddie looked at Rayna, then back at Teddy, but she slowly sat down, putting her book bag on the floor beside her. Her eyes flicked over to Deacon, still confused as to why he was there. "What's going on?" she repeated.
Rayna ran her tongue over her lips and glanced quickly at Teddy. "Well, um, your dad and I need to talk to you about something." She could hear Deacon's quiet huff in the background. She looked back at Maddie. "We need to tell you…actually, I need to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago. But I want to tell you first that we love you very much. We've always loved you and everything we did was because we loved you." She could feel Teddy's tension, emanating off him like a smell. And she could feel Deacon's eyes boring into her, wondering how she would explain this.
"Am I adopted?" Maddie asked, her voice quivering.
"No, honey, of course not," Teddy said, his voice soothing. "You're definitely our daughter." Deacon cleared his throat from across the room and Teddy frowned.
Rayna took a deep breath. "No, you're not adopted. But I need to tell you that, back when I found out I was pregnant with you, there was a lot going on in my life. I'd had a very long relationship with Deacon, as you know" – she glanced back at him quickly – "and had started dating your dad." She nodded towards Teddy. She clasped her hands together in front of her, squeezing them together tightly. She took another deep breath. "When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't a hundred percent sure who your father was." She forced herself to keep looking at Maddie, who suddenly looked like she wanted to cry. "After you were born, I found out that, uh, Deacon was your father, but I was already married to your dad…."
Maddie suddenly stood up. "Deacon's my dad?" she shrieked. She looked at Deacon, a scowl on her face. "Did you know that, all this time?" Deacon shook his head. Maddie looked back at Rayna. "So you lied to me? And you lied to Deacon?"
Rayna and Teddy both stood up. "Sweetie, it's not that simple," Rayna started.
"So was I a mistake?" Maddie cried.
Rayna stepped around the table to Maddie. "Sweetie, no, of course not…."
But Maddie moved away from her, looking furious. Then she turned to look at Teddy. "How could you do that? Marry her when she was having someone else's baby?"
Teddy looked at her pleadingly. "Honey, we didn't know for sure at the time. And I loved your mother and I loved you already."
Maddie turned towards Deacon. "Why didn't you know? Why didn't you do anything?"
Deacon took a deep breath. "There was a lot going on then, Maddie. But if I'd known, I'd have done something. I promise." He gave Rayna and Teddy both a sharp look.
Maddie stood in the middle of the kitchen, tears rolling down her face. "Y'all have ruined my life!" she screamed. "Everything about my life is a lie!" She looked at each one of the adults in the room and then she went running for the stairs.
"Maddie!" Rayna called out and started to follow her. "Maddie, please!" As she passed by Deacon, he grabbed her arm and stopped her.
"Rayna," he said.
She turned to face him. "What?" she said angrily.
"Let me go," he said. She couldn't read the expression in his eyes. "I'm kind of in the same boat as her. Maybe she'll listen to me."
"You'll just make it worse," Teddy said, and both Deacon and Rayna turned to look at him. "You'll fill her head with all kinds of reasons why you're the hero in this, when you very clearly are not. Are you going to tell her the real reason you didn't know?"
Deacon just glared at Teddy and then turned to follow Maddie up the stairs. Rayna shook her head. "Shut up, Teddy," she said angrily. "Right now, Maddie's not interested in either one of us. We're the ones that decided this for her. I hope she doesn't push us away forever, but this was the right thing to do. And we need to help her. Deacon is right. Maybe she won't shut him out."
Teddy rolled his eyes. "I told you this was a bad idea. And letting him be involved is just going to make it worse. He's going to fill her head with all kinds of ideas and…."
Rayna smiled sarcastically. "And what, Teddy? He's not going to do anything more than we've already done, which is to disappoint her by not telling her the truth a long time ago."
Teddy huffed and then he pointed his finger at her. "When this goes all wrong, don't say I didn't warn you. You're handing our daughter over to an irresponsible drunk, which was what we were trying to avoid in the first place."
Rayna clenched her fists. "He's not irresponsible or a drunk. He's been sober her whole life, Teddy, and he's a very responsible man. I've seen that first hand for all these years. And he loves Maddie. He's always loved Maddie. He'd never do anything to hurt her."
Teddy looked at her for a moment, then shook his head and walked out of the house.
Deacon knocked lightly on the closed door he thought was Maddie's. "Go away!" he heard her call out, filled with hurt. "I don't want to talk to either of you!"
He hesitated just a second, then said, "Maddie, it's Deacon." He waited for a moment and then raised his hand up to knock again when she opened the door. She looked devastated and his first instinct was to pull her into his arms and comfort her, but he thought he should wait. "Can I come in?" he asked.
She nodded and then turned around, walking towards her bed. She threw herself on it and sat with her legs pulled up to her chest and her face turned away. He stood for a moment, one hand on the back of his neck, and he felt his heart break at her hurt. Rayna was right, this wasn't just about them, it was about Maddie. Their daughter. He walked over and sat on the end of her bed. "You wanna talk about it?" he asked gently.
She shrugged and then she looked at him, her mouth quivering as she fought her tears. "I don't know," she said. She breathed in and out, trying to maintain some control. Then she looked at him. "How could this happen? Why did they do this?"
He took a deep breath. "It's kind of complicated, Maddie, I think. I had a lot of problems back then and I think your mama thought she was doing the right thing for you."
She had started to cry then. "But if you're my dad, shouldn't I have known that? Before now?"
He worked his lip. He knew he couldn't put his pain on her. He needed to figure out how to try to comfort her without being bitter or angry. He breathed in. "I guess there's a lot we just don't know yet. Both of us," he said finally. "But can I tell you something?"
She wiped her eyes. "What?"
He smiled at her. "I'm proud you're my daughter. Even if I didn't know before, I always loved you. You know that. And now I got even more reason to love you."
She tried to smile back at him, but the tears were still coming. "Thanks," she finally said, her voice shaky.
"I'd like for us to spend time together. If you want to, that is."
She looked away, wrapping her arms around herself. Then she turned back to him. "I would like that," she said. "I'd like it a lot."
When Deacon walked back downstairs, he noticed that Teddy was gone. Rayna had been sitting at the table and jumped up when he walked in. Her eyes were red and she was wringing her hands. "Is she okay?" she asked.
He nodded. "I think she will be. I mean, she's pretty upset, but that ain't surprising."
"What should we do now?"
"I'm gonna start spending some time with her. She wants to do that and I do too." He raised his eyebrows. "You okay with that?"
She nodded. "Yes, of course. I'm so glad she wants to do that, that both of you do." She breathed in. "Deacon, I'm so sorry…."
He raised his hand and frowned. "I know. I believe you." He took a deep breath. "But I gotta have some time, to get used to all this. And I mean all of it."
She started to say something, but then she just nodded. "Take all the time you need," she said quietly.
As grateful as Rayna was that Deacon had embraced being a father, she was even more pleased that Maddie was making the adjustment reasonably well. Teddy was not as cooperative as she would have liked and he treated the whole situation as though it were a competition. Most of the time, Maddie either didn't notice or didn't let it bother her, but on the days she did, Rayna could feel the chill thawing between the two of them.
"I don't want you to turn away from me," she'd told Maddie one day as they sat on the couch together, sharing tea. "I know it's all really complicated and it's new for both of us, but I want to help you. I'll answer your questions and listen when you need me to."
Maddie had smiled a little shyly then. "Would you tell me about when you met him?"
Rayna smiled and then put her arm around her daughter. "I was at an open mic at the Bluebird. He was there and was watching me. He wrote a song about me…."
"'A Life That's Good', right?" Maddie interrupted.
Rayna smiled. "Yeah, that's right. He said he was inspired to write it just by looking at me. You know, I think I fell in love with him right then and there."
"So love at first sight?"
Rayna nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. I fell in love with his smile, with the way he played a guitar and sang, with how he listened to me." She hugged her daughter close. "All the best parts of Deacon are part of you, Maddie. I've always thought so."
Rayna decided to pull out of the Red Lips/White Lies tour, much to Juliette's chagrin, but she'd felt it was important to be there for Maddie, to help her navigate this new identity. Maddie and Deacon spent several afternoons a week together, working on Maddie's guitar skills and making music together. Rayna loved the opportunities she had to hear them play together, although it would make her feel that deep regret that she'd kept them apart for so long.
The best part of all of it, as far as she was concerned, was that she and Deacon had had the chance to talk to each other, as parents. They always made time to talk, whether she was picking Maddie up or he was dropping her off. Conversations about parenting issues and decisions started to bleed over into just general conversations about their lives and Rayna remained hopeful that one day they'd be able to bridge the divide that had separated them since she'd told Deacon about Maddie.
For now, though, she was glad to see the two of them begin to make a connection as a father and his daughter.
After Rayna dropped Maddie off at Deacon's, she sat at the kitchen island while he got them root beers. She took a sip, then looked at him with curiosity. "Did you and Mom ever think about getting married? Back when y'all were together, I mean," she asked.
He raised his eyebrows and considered her question. "Yeah, I guess we did. We talked about it, but the timing wasn't ever right." He didn't want to tell her that he doubted Rayna would ever have married him while he was still a drunk, probably the reason she'd made the decisions she had when she'd found out she was pregnant. He'd come to realize that she'd had some good reasons for doing what she'd done and he was beginning to understand how hard it might have been to tell him and Maddie.
"Did you want to marry her?"
He took a deep breath and then he laughed nervously. "You ask some really hard questions, you know that?"
She smiled back at him teasingly. "Maybe. But there's a lot I don't know."
"Yeah, I guess there is." He sighed and then leaned on the counter. "So, yeah, I did want to marry her. Some day. When the timing was right and things were less complicated. But it just never happened."
Maddie looked serious then. "Was it because you were an alcoholic?" Deacon looked away. "I read it online." She paused. "You don't have to be embarrassed about it. I know you've been sober for a long time."
Deacon nodded stiffly, then looked back at her, his eyes filled with sadness. "Yeah, but it took a while to get there. And I made things really hard on your mom then."
Maddie looked down at her hands and then back at him. "Do you think you'll ever get back together with her again?"
Deacon took a deep breath and let out a short laugh. "That really is a hard question, Maddie," he said.
Maddie sighed, then looked at him. "Are you still mad at her?"
He looked at her, his eyes sad and filled with hurt. "Maybe a little. But I do think she did the best she knew how. She was trying to do the best for you and I just can't be mad at her for that. For loving you that much."
She nodded, and then her eyes got a little moist. She swallowed hard. "Do you think you'll feel the same way about me that Dad feels about Daphne?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Hot tears sprang up in his eyes and he reached out and grabbed her hand. "I already do, sweet girl," he said. "I already do."
Deacon followed Maddie in the back door at Rayna's. Rayna was standing in the kitchen. "Hey, y'all," she said, with a smile. She looked at Maddie. "Did you have a good time?"
Maddie nodded. "Yeah. But I've got a bunch of homework." She waved at Deacon. "Thanks, Deacon, for the lesson."
Deacon smiled at her. "Anytime. I'll see you again Thursday." He and Rayna both watched her run up the stairs. Then he turned back to Rayna. "She really is good, you know?"
Rayna smiled and nodded. "Yeah, she is. It scares me a little. I really want her to wait and she's ready to be an artist now."
He winked at her. "Not unlike someone else I know," he said teasingly.
She grinned. "Well, things are a lot different now than they were when we were starting out," she said. "I'd like for her to at least finish high school, but preferably college."
He nodded, then put his hand on the counter, looking down. He cleared his throat and then looked back at her. "She was asking me today about whether we ever talked about getting married. And then she asked whether I thought we'd ever get back together."
She held her breath, her heart beating hard. "She asks hard questions," she said finally.
He nodded and took a deep breath. "I guess it's been a while since we had that first date," he said. "So I was wondering if maybe you'd want to, uh, do it again?"
So I hope you enjoyed this little reimagining of the past. I'll post an epilogue in the next day or so, just to wrap things up. Thanks for reading!