Spike ran. He didn't know what he was going to do. He knew he needed to get out of this universe and back to his own. He wanted his Buffy back. Not mine... but mine all the same... His thoughts haunted him. He royally screwed up, but he didn't know what to do. "Dammit, Helfrek!" he yelled, slowing his run to a walk as he neared the cemetery.
He smelled her. He knew she was close, and it took all that was in him not to fling himself into her arms and enjoy it while it lasted. I need to end this. I need to make things right. Can't force her to be with me. Even if she wants to be with me here. Even if she knows she loves me, but won't let herself admit it. "Dammit, Buffy," he whispered.
He looked up from his clunky shoes, and searched the space for her. He noticed the flash of blond just meters away. He sighed and braced himself for what he was about to do. Never in a million lifetimes would he think he would about to do this. He just wished he wouldn't end up with a bloody nose, but somehow, he knew that was inevitable.
"Spike!" the girl exclaimed, dusting a vampire as Spike came into view. "You're here! I've missed you!" Buffy bounced over to him and wrapped her small arms around his neck. She pushed upward onto her toes, leaning to kiss him. It took everything in him to push her away gently. This is going to hurt.
"Hey, pet. I'm glad I found you. I needed to talk with you."
"About what?" she grinned, not seeming phased his lack of affection.
"About us. Sla—Buffy... how do you feel about me?"
He knew the question had caught her off guard. Feeling had never come up before. Especially not between them. Not until recently. "Uh... What do you mean?"
"What do you," he began, pointing to her, "feel for me?" pointing to himself.
"I... I want to marry you," she said, trying to put her arms around him once again.
"Yeah, I get that. Do you care about me? Do you love me? Hell, Slayer, do you even like me?" he asked, raising his hands into the air.
She dropped her arms, and stepped away from him. "I don't understand. Do you still want to be with me?"
"More than you know," he replied. "But please, answer me." He could see the emotions racking against her. Confusion hammered against her like a tidal wave overcoming an island.
"I—I know I'm supposed to hate you. I'm not supposed to want to kiss you, or want to hold you... I—I know I'm supposed to fight you and not care about you. But... some part of me does care about you... I don't hate you..."
"Buffy... do you love me?"
"I... I want to be with you."
He sighed heavily and dropped his head. He had to do it, and it had to be now. "I'm gonna hate myself for this... Pet, we can't be together... I'm—I'm calling off the wedding..." He tried to ignore the tear forming in her eye. He tried ignoring how she looked like she had fought her toughest opponent and had been beaten... He hated himself so much right now, and he knew he was only getting started. It's going to be a long night.
He tried to help her, but she didn't want him to touch her. Angrily, she threw his ring at him, hitting him directly in the head, leaving a strange imprint on his head. He wanted to help her back, if not to her dorm, than to Giles' apartment. It was closer. "C'mon," he tried to tell her, "I'm going to take you back to ya Watcher's and ya friends."
"Get away from me!" she said. "I don't want to see you. Ever. Leave me alone, Spike." And with that, she turned and ran from him.
"Bollocks," was all he could manage to say.
...
Buffy ran, and she ran hard. She was shaking to the core and a part of her hated him for what he just did. A part of her understood that it made sense and that she was just being stupid. She flung open the door to Giles' apartment and slumped down next to Willow. The people in the room were flabbergasted at what they saw. A crying Slayer was NEVER a good thing. This time, Xander kept his mouth shut.
"Buffy! What's wrong?" Willow asked, pure concern coursing through her.
"Spike..." was all she said.
"What did he do?!" Giles and Xander replied simultaneously.
"He... he... broke—"
"Broke what?!" Giles yelled, standing in anger and assumptions.
"The wedding off..." she was crying on Willow's shoulder now, who was trying to comfort her aching friend.
With a sigh of relief, the men looked to the other, and Giles regained his seat. "Er... I'm sorry about that, Buffy. Truly, I hate to see you upset."
"Yeah, Buff. But ya know, there are other fish in the ocean..." Xander said, trying to lighten her mood. Willow glared at him, which resulted in him cowering against Anya. Yep. Not the right thing to say, he thought. "Sorry. Not the right thing to say."
"It's—hiccup—okay," she managed to say. "You... you're right. More fishies." She sat up and wiped her face. She put on a fake grin and stood. "I'm... I'm gonna go back to the dorm. Come with?" she asked, looking at Willow.
"Of course. See you guys tomorrow, and we'll figure out what's going on with the commando guys. K?"
"Yeah," Xander nodded. Giles stood, and hugged his wounded warrior.
"You'll be alright?" he asked, looking down at the girl who could be his daughter.
"Yeah, Giles. I'll be fine. Just... need to sleep."
"See you tomorrow," he smiled, hiding his worry.
...
The two girls walked down the sidewalk, Buffy clinging to Willow's arm desperately. "Hey Buff, not that I hate the friendly clinging, do ya think you could lighten up a little?"
"Sorry," she replied, lightening her grip, but not her sadness.
"Are you okay?"
"No," she said, not even pretending to lie. "I just feel... empty."
"I know what you mean," Willow replied, attempting to give her friend a hopeful look.
"I'm sorry, Will..."
"No, it's okay. I'm coping... And you're stronger than I am. Does that make a difference?"
"I don't think so. It still hurts."
"Buffy... that thing with Spike... what is—was—that all about? I mean, I know I kinda had a hand in it, but I thought that once I did the reversal spell, I thought it was supposed to end it, but it didn't. I just don't understand what happened."
"I—I don't know. It never felt like I was under a spell, and it doesn't feel like it now. I just know that when he asked me, it felt right. I was happy, but he apparently doesn't want me. Just like Angel. Just like Parker. Just like dad..." she said, her voice almost a whisper.
"I'm sure that's not it, Buffy! Besides, we love you, me and Xander and Giles, and your mom. Maybe—maybe Spike's not the-um- guy for you. You'll find someone!" Willow said, trying to cheer up her sullen friend.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah! And me, too. I mean, I love Oz, I do. And I think I'll always love him. But maybe it's not meant for us to be."
"Yeah..." Buffy said, still crestfallen.
"Ya wanna go to the Bronze? See if we can get some guys to buy us some drinks?" Willow asked, a bit hopeful.
"No thanks, Will. Buffy and booze are definite non-mixy things. How about we go back to the dorm and curl up with Ben and his best friend Jerry?"
"That sounds pretty wonderful to me."
...
Spike watched as Buffy leaned against Willow as they walked back to their dorms. He didn't want to be a stalker or anything, he just wanted to make sure she got home alright. He hadn't expected her to get so upset. He hadn't expected to hurt her. Not only did he feel like the world's biggest idiot, but he also felt like he had just ripped his own heart out and staked it himself. But he had to. If he was going to be stuck in this time, he had to make sure he didn't change it. But he had already changed it, right? He had told the Scoobies that he loved Buffy. In this time, not even she knew that. She was supposed to be with Riley, not pawning over him, no matter how badly he wanted it, wanted her. God, he had royally screwed up. Maybe Watcher could help, he thought to himself. As if his feet had known all along, he walked back to Giles' apartment.
He sighed as he approached the man's door. Should I knock? Should I just barge in? Then he thought of what everyone else did. With that, he opened the door and walked into the room. As soon as he had shut the door, he was thrust against it. As his sight cleared from the hit that would give a human a concussion, he was astonished to see Xander holding him up by his throat. He had heard the man say something to him, but all Spike heard was a ringing in his ears and some mumbling.
"Answer me!" Xander yelled at him.
"What was the question?" he coughed.
"I said, 'how could you hurt Buffy like that?' You say you love her, but then you break her heart?"
"It's not what you think," he murmured.
"Well then, tell me what it is like."
"If you would release me, I'll be happy to talk to Watcher here about it."
"Why not tell me?" Xander asked, tightening his grip.
"Because, unlike you, he can keep some things private." Spike looked over to the man, who was glaring at him and the boy.
"Let him go," Giles said, removing his glasses to rub his shirt over the lenses. Xander looked over his shoulder to the older man, who nodded in reassurance. "You two better leave. It's getting rather late and you both have jobs to be at in the morning." Xander released Spike and helped Anya to her feet.
"See you later, G-man." Giles rolled his eyes and waved slightly as they shut the door behind them.
"Now then, what is it you wish to tell me?"
"Red's spell. In my world, it ended. Buffy went back to hating me, but we still work with each other. The chip is still in my head, even though I would never hurt anyone. I... I fell in love with her. She doesn't know any of this, and I don't think she should. I'm trying not to disrupt the future, but just me having this knowledge is doing that. I never meant to hurt her. When I made that wish, I was angry. I know I shouldn't have made it, so don't give me that look. I just don't know how to fix it."
Spike could only place the look Giles was giving him was how one would look at something with multiple heads. "So, you're in love with Buffy? You do realize how absurd that sounds?"
"You have no idea," Spike chuckled. "I used to want to kill her, and now I can't be around her without wanting to kiss her," he said in a low voice.
"In your world, do you two have a relationship?"
"Of sorts."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning I don't know what kind of relationship it is. She won't let it be what I want it to be."
"Are you aware that you're being awfully vague?"
"Yeah, I am. In my world, we do have... something. There's not much I can tell you without mucking everything up. But that's not the point. The point is, I'm here, when I should be there. I screwed this up. I know it. But how do I fix it?"
"Yes well... you said you made a wish?"
"Yeah, and I think I know who did it, but she's not one to change it back so easily. Giles...what should I do?"
Taken aback by the use of his name, Giles waited a moment before answering the sad vampire. "Maybe you should just act like the Spike from this time would act. Just try to remember what you did here."
"That's the thing though... My mem'ries... They're starting to get fuzzy. I can remember everything that's happened recently in my world, but when I think of how things are now, it's hazy."
"Hmm... Well, I don't know what else to tell you. I, however, am going to bed. It has been entirely too eventful, and I fear I may be getting a bit old," he said as he stood, stretching his back carefully.
Spike resisted the urge to laugh at the man. He had never gotten along with him before, but he sensed he could, in this time. He had been too much of a pain in the future. Maybe that's something I can work on here.. "When this is all over, could you do one thing for me?"
"What's that?"
"Do a forgetting spell. Don't let Red do it... But on Buffy and everyone... They don't need to know about what's don't the road."
"Ah, well... We'll see."
"No, that's not good enough!" he growled, standing against Giles face to face. "Promise me," he pleaded.
"Alright, Spike... Good night," he nodded, backing away from him.
"Ta..." Spike sighed heavily as he watched Giles ascend to his bedroom. He sat once again on the couch, and tried to remember everything that happens around this time. He grabbed the pen and paper that was luckily within reach and began writing.