Hey guys! I almost didn't manage to finish this chapter for today because I've been up to my neck with school stuff all week! I still am… Anyways, I wanted to upload because I promised and because I like to think that you guys are looking forward to get new chapters! :) Thank you all for the reviews and alerts and favorites on last chapter! They made me happy!
I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, it's from Kate's POV, completely fresh scenes from my very own brain! :)

Disclaimer: No matter how I hope, I don't own this amazing show!

Chapter 6

He said he loved her.

Just as she was on the edge of death, laying there on the grass with a bullet in her chest and blood rushing out of her body.

He said he loved her and she knew he meant it. His eyes were so desperate, panic was getting the better of him but he was trying his best to keep his composure. For her.

She didn't remember much. Yet. The doctors said it would all come back in time. Sooner or later. She was afraid. She already had nightmares every single night, waking up from them soaked in sweat and screaming. Screaming for him.

But it was all such a blur. At one moment everything was fine, well no, nothing was fine in the first place. But the funeral was going as planned. She couldn't look at Evelyn Montgomery, couldn't see the loss in her eyes that she caused. And the girls, she felt sick, she hated herself. She knew exactly what they were going through. She was the one, who really understood it.

Her captain, her dear loyal, brave captain died for her. She knew nobody blamed her and Montgomery himself would have called her an idiot for saying that, but she couldn't help but feel responisble. It was her who should have died. It was her who should have been in that coffin.

She knew it was horrible to think like that when she had her father and friends but at least she wouldn't have left a husband and children behind...

And then, the eulogy. She was supposed to speak at his funeral. It felt so wrong to be the one who praised him, but she accepted it. Nobody could know what happened. Not when it would destroy Montgomery's reputation, not when it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was dead. Nothing could change that now…

She promised herself that she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't seem weak. She sobbed her eyes out the previous night, and the night before that and the one before that. In the safety and darkness of her lonely bedroom where no one could see her.

So she was standing there, showing the whole world a mask that she perfected over the years and she was speaking about Montgomery. At one point she glanced at Castle, just the thought that he was right beside her was giving her the strength she needed. She hoped he knew just how much she appreciated it!

And then thes earing pain radiating from her chest was the next thing she remembered. Yells. Dizzyness. Falling. Castle.

All just rushed images, mixing together into a huge mess in her memory.

Castle. His eyes. His hands on her. His broken voice.

And then the shaking words of 'I love you!'. Then she passed out.

Then she remembered loud beeping, yells in medical language, and pain. Lots and lots of pain.

And when she woke up, feeling broken and aching everywhere it was just easier to say she didn't remember anything. She needed time to think everything through. She needed time to process and decide what to do.

And so she fled the world, hid in her father's cabin, far away from everything. It was quiet and peaceful there, she thought it was all she needed. But then, she had to reaize she was wrong. Quiet and peaceful were usually good but now she couldn't keep the flowing images out of her brain. The voices, the emotions. And there was nothing to distract her from it.

Her father tried his best to help her recover and to cheer her up. She appreciated it but it didn't really make any change. It didn't change the fact that her captain was dead. As well as her mom. Her mentor. Eveybody was dead. She was almost dead as well...

And to top it all, there was the Castle issue. His heartfelt confession that haunted her dreams. She knew she should have called him, she knew they needed to talk about it. But still she didn't say a think, didn't move a finger towards her phone. And the more she stalled the more she knew it would be weird to talk about it.

So to get her mind off things, she decided to read. And what better way to get her mind off a certain ruggedly handsome writer than to read the novels he had written about her? She planned to reread them anyways before she bought the new book which should be on the shelves soon and now she had all the time in the world. So she started Heat Wave and finished it in three days. Her father was constantly sending her disapproving glances when she read at the dining table and when she didn't pay attention to him when he was talking because she was too engrossed in her book. And then the next morning she took Naked Heat out of her duffle bag and ran her fingers over the cover in a light caress. So many feelings ran through her. Memories which felt so distant, like they were from a completely different life. And in a way they were, all that pain and anger that she went through last summer... All those contradictions and doubts seemed like a joke now.

She took a deep breath before opening the book, intent on reading the letter before the novel itself. But the breath got caught in her throat when she found that nothing was under the cover. She found nothing but the blank first page, staring straight back at her emptily. No notes, no letter.

She walked briskly to her bag and dug through it, searching for the papers. They must have just slipped out of the book, right? They must have!

She was in the bag up to her elbow, still not finding anything but clothes. With a thumping heart she started to throw everything out on the bed, shaking and unfolding each garment in order not to miss the papers.

After five minutes of searching she still came up empty.

Kate sat at the edge of her bed, staring at the mess she made and at duffle bag laying at her feet. Then as a last hope she reached for the book, flipping through the pages to see if she maybe put it somewhere else. But of course, she got nothing again.

It was all gone.

She stood up and started pacing the length of the room while furiously looking for an explanation. Pondering when did she move the book from the shelf. Because that was what must have happened, she moved it and the papers just fell out without her noticing. She quickly dismissed the fact that her letter was five or six pages long and that would have made a sound.

But suddenly she stopped in the middle of the room, rooted to the spot with her hand covering her open mouth.

"Oh shit." she muttered after a second, her hand running up her face and into her hair, raking her fingers through it automatically. She gripped a fistful at the back of her head and stood motionlessly, staring ahead, seeing something that happened months back.

With her mind's eye she saw Castle standing right in front of her bookshelf, half turned back towards her with a deer caught in the headlight expression then a chraming, bright grin spreading across his face. At the time she was annoyed at him for sticking his nose into her business and she never really realized that he was looking at the shelf where she kept her crime books, including all of his novels.

With slow steps she went back to the bad and practically collapsed on top of it, still gazing into air with unfocused eyes. What was she going to do now?

She had no doubt where her letter was now, there was no question in her mind about it. There was no way that Castle didn't look at it. She knew him, he was touching everything and she just knew that once he saw his own book there, he must have looked at it, just to see how she treated his book. Did she winkle the pages? Did she write into it?

And then, when he saw the papers, she was sure he unfolded it, curious as to why it was there. Especially once he saw that his name was on it!

Kate's thoughts were running with lightning speed. He knew how she felt about him. Or at least how she had felt last summer... Had her feelings changed? She thought she was over him, she felt angry and disappointed in him then she quickly forgave him and they became partners again. She was with Josh now and he was such a great guy, she had to be over Castle.

But of course, deep down she knew it was bullshit. The heart wanted what the heart wanted and hers ached for a certain writer for some time now. And no matter how she tried to ignore and represss her feelings, they wouldn't change.

And knowing that Castle had known about her feelings for months put many things in different light.

All those moments they had that made her stomach clench and tingle with excitement, all those looks, all the stolen glances that caused her heart to race. All the while he had known.

Why hadn't he said a thing? Well at least that was easy to answer and Kate had to chuckle darkly at the thought… He knew she would kill him for finding it. Then reading it.

Kate stood back up and on weak legs walked out of the room, straight to the front door.

"Katie, where are you going?" she heard her father's voice calling after her from the living room.

"Ah... I'm going for a walk!" she replied loudly, slipping into her shoes.

She needed space, and air to clear her mind. She needed to think.

She almost laughed out loud at the irony of the whole thing. She came here to think, to figure things out but instead she found herself in another mess. She started reading his books to distract herself from him and what happened and yet, her mind was full of him. Thoughts of him, images of him, memories of him, doubts and questions about him.

It was too much.

However, instead of the fresh air that she was craving she was met with a heavy, slightly vaporous summer air. One that told her a storm was coming. The huge, dark clouds just added to her feeling of discomfort, making her feel like she was suffocating.

Despite all this she took off in a swift pace, crossing the garden and heading in the direction of the inviting and mysterious looking forest.

Between the tall, thick trunks of trees were a narrow path, meandering its way deeper and deeper in the dense.

She followed the path, urgent to get away from the world behind her. Her eyes were fixed on the ground before her, intent on not thinking even for a little while. Maybe if she could just ignore it, shut it all out her mind would clear up. Figure out what to do on its own.

She had been walking for ten or fifteen minutes when she heard the first thundering. If anything she quickened her steps, not wanting to go back to the cabin. To the cabin and her problems.

Just the thought of them opened the gate and her mind was once again filled with a whirlwind of questions and assumptations.

He said he loved her. She was on the ground with a bullet in her chest, dying, but still he did say those words. Even if it was just because he thought he would never be able to say them. Out of the pure desperation of thinking she would die. He said he loved her and she knew, she could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in the way he treated her day after day that it was true.

Suddenly Josh came to her mind and she felt a lump in her throat. A huge rock in her stomach, pulling it down, down… She knew she couldn't keep stringing him along. It wasn't like she didn't like him. A lot. Because she did. Even though they had their own problems, Josh was an incredible guy. He was sensitive and smart and funny and thoughtful. But he couldn't be what she wanted. What she needed. He couldn't be Richard Castle!

And she could play this game for weeks and months, knowing that their relationship didn't stand a chance, didn't have a future just because it was comfortable and secure. But it wouldn't have been fair to Josh. So with a deep breath she made up her mind.

The rain started to fall silently around her, pattering softly on the leaves and the ground. Kate looked around, searching for a shelter and she glimpsed an oak with a large foliage. She hurried under it and by the time she got there the rain was falling hard, the drumming sound of it surrounding her.

She was looking out at the woods around her, bushes dripping wet and leaves heavy with water and it just kept coming down around her. And her emotions were just as wild as the raging storm. She leaned back on the trunk and ran her hands over her hair. Wet strands caught her fingers and she tugged to break free.

She didn't know what she was going to do about Castle's admission. Their whole partnership was so complicated and unconventional. He was a world famous writer and she was just this cop he found interesting enough to shadow. And even though he had proved his loyalty and friendship several times over the years and she trusted him -mostly- it wasn't the same as considering a realrelationship with him. She had to work out what to do now.

She lied to him and she knew it wasn't the right thing to do but she couldn't just face the consequences of his statement. She was feeling completely broken and she didn't want to deal with the meaning of those three words. But now summer was flying by and she would have to go back to work soon, and she would have to face him. And it was kind of ironic again because now she was the one who said she would call, but she didn't. She couldn't. At least she had a good explanation...

She had already decided about Josh and she was convinced it had nothing to do with what Castle had said. It was only about her and Josh, Castle's three little words were out of the question there. It was about the fact that she had to realize how fragile life is. How short it can be. Of course, she knew that already but somehow she thought all those things weren't true for her. Did she think she was stronger? Smarter? That she had more right to live than other people? No, she didn't but she was never for one second afraid on a bust. Or an arrest. Or during gunfight. Every time she felt like she was in control.

But she had too much time to think at the hospital. Long, lonely hours and days, full of misery. She had chosen to push everyone away, hell if she didn't ask them to stay away all her friends would have been there everyday. How lucky she was to have them... And Castle, he would have moved right into the hospital to be there with her 24/7!

But she lied to him, to all of them. She said she didn't remember a thing when in honesty she had flashbacks every time she closed her eyes. More and more as days passed and by the time she was released she thought she would go crazy.

However, being so close to death, facing her own and almost perfectly remembering it, she had to realize she couldn't keep going on like that. She couldn't keep up her relationship with Josh when it wasn't working. He was the only one who visited her every day, since he was working there. He spent his every free second at her bedside, taking care of her and she knew she was being a horrible girlfriend, a horrible person but she wished he didn't have time to be there with her! Because every time he walked in that door with an adorable smile on his handsome face, she was reminded that she wasn't in love with him. And that she didn't deserve his love...

But it wasn't only unfair to him, it was to her as well. Laying there in that hospital bed she asked herself the question, if this would be her last day, would she be proud of it? Could she say that she didn't have any regrets? No, she couldn't keep on being in a relationship that she didn't want when any day could be her very last!

Suddenly a large drop of water fell right onto the top of her head and made her shudder. She glanced out from under the tree and saw that the worst part of the rain was over. She decided that it was time to go home since her hair and the lower part of her jeans were soaked. She pulled up her shoulders a bit, missing a hoodie badly as she stepped into the slight drizzle and made a run for the cabin.

"Look Josh, we need to talk." she said into the phone later that day. She hated those words and she hated even more what she was about to do. Breaking up over the phone, like a real bitch. She didn't mean to be one, but she didn't want Josh to be waiting for her to return to the city. She didn't want him to show up and surprise her like he had already done last Saturday.

"O-oh, that cannot mean anything good..." Josh answered, his tone still light and joking.

"No. Look Josh...I really like you. Like really really like you but..." she broke off, feeling like an idiot. Was she going to use the all the crappy clichés?

"But what Kate?" sounded his voice, now careful and suspicious.

"I can't do it anymore. It's unfair to both of us and truly, you deserve a girl who is head over heels in love with you..." she stuttered then fixed her eyes on her feet.

She was sitting in an armchair in the livingroom, surrounded by fluffy cushions. Her father was up in his own room, working on his computer.

"Why Kate? Why now?" Josh asked and she hated how sad he sounded. It was a good question but she didn't really know the reply. Why indeed when he did nothing wrong? Why now when she thought it had nothing to do with Castle?

"I...uh...I'm just..." she sighed and paused to collect her thoughts.

"Is this about him? About Castle?" Josh's voice interrupted her pathetic attempts to explain her feelings. She couldn't just blurt out that she wasn't happy with him anymore. That if she had to die today she would never forgive herself that she hid in this relationship for so long because it was comfortable...

"What? No! No, this isn't about him!" she protested, her whole body tensing. It wasn't right?

"I get it Kate, he's in love with you, it's clear to everyone. I just didn't think you felt the same. I mean, I hoped you didn't..." he said and Kate squeezed her eyes shut.

"I don't. I mean, I don't know. This isn't about Castle, Josh. " she said, feeling frustrated that she couldn't get her point across. She leaned her head into her left hand, resting her elbow on the armrest of the chair and chewed her bottom lip. "It's more about the fact that we aren't working. We haven't been for a while now and I had a lot of time to think nowadays and I realized that it wouldn't change. It's neither your fault nor mine, it's just that we couldn't make it out. We didn't fit, I guess.I hate to do this over the phone but I can't go on like this. I'm sorry, but you'll see it will be better for both of us like this!" she told him honestly and could imagine his sad eyes and the way his face hardened to cover his vulnerability and hurt. Seven months were a long time... She got to know his expressions well.

"I'm sorry too Kate. I know we've had problems but I hope you know you meant a lot to me." he murmured and she was sure her heart was about to shatter.

"I cared about you a lot as well. I still do. But..." she broke off.

"Not like that. I get it!" he said. "Well, good luck Kate! And please take care of yourself, I don't want you on my table again..."

"Yeah, you too." she chuckled, absent mindedly running her fingers across her top over the still aching scar on her chest.

"And Kate?" Josh called just as she was about to hang up.

"Yeah?" she asked with a soft smile, already feeling lighter that she got over with this.

"I know you said it wasn't about Castle and I believe you, but... I think you should tell him that you feel the same way!" he said and her mouth fell open on a gasp. What was he talking about? This wasn't about what Castle said! It wasn't about his heartfelt 'I love you'! Was it?

She threw the cell phone into her lap as she leaned back in the armchair, resting her head on the back of it. Maybe she should just forget all about what Castle had said. It would be better for both of them. If she just kept on this lie, if she kept on telling everyone that she didn't remember what he said… It would make things so much easier. No complications, no what ifs. How tempting it sounded! But then, there was one thing that sounded even more tempting. The memory of one kiss. One hot, fiery, passionate kiss in a wet alleyway. The idea of a relationship with him. Even if he was driving her crazy, even if he was annoying her, even if he could be the biggest pain in the ass! He said he loved her…

God, she thought it wasn't about what he said! Or was it?

So, this was it! What did you guys think? I would love to know your opinion so, please review! It would mean the whole world to me!
Thank you for reading and reviewing! I hope you are enjoying the story!
'Need to know' was fantastic, wasn't it? What did you guys think about it? Personally, I loved the little Caskett moments and Beckett's decisions…
Next chapter will hopefully be up in a week! Until then, xxx