A/N: Well, this chapter is a bit depressing…but was needed to explain why Sora is behaving the way he was in this fic and where Vanitas comes from. Again, thanks to Izzy who helped me a lot with the language stuff!
Emptiness
05
Sora was sitting on the bent trunk of the Paopu tree on the small isle, watching the crimson sun slowly sink into the ocean.
He didn't remember when the last time he visited this small play island was. It's been a long while probably. Somehow he felt the urge of coming here today. He tried to avoid anyone, everyone, after school ended, he found his long-untouched little boat and came to this island, all alone. Sora felt somehow his heart finally obtained a moment of peace, when he sat on the old spot on the bent tree where he used to sit with his friends, staring at the soft twilight sun over the other side of the ocean.
The serenity was indeed momentary. The all-too-familiar scene soon reminded him of "that time," the time when he made his resolution to set out on a third journey. He was sitting at the same spot like now, staring at the same twilight, holding a drift bottle and a letter from King Mickey in his hands.
"It's just…they really need me. I have to go. They are waiting for me. I have to help all of those whose hearts are connected to me." (1)
He smiled bitterly at the memory of his own words, at his naivety and over-confidence back then. The young Sora had thought he could set things right, he could bring all of them back, he could cease their sorrow and grief, he could grant them their re-birth by sleep and their new beginnings, he had thought he could…But no, in the end, he couldn't. He had just been too naïve at the time, not knowing how cruel Fate truly was. He hadn't expected that his third journey would completely change him.
As he continued his thoughts, overwhelming pain and sadness flooded over his heart.
He was just a fifteen-year-old boy back then. He was not the real Savior. He wasn't able to save everyone! The reality was never like those Disney worlds full of honey and sugar and rainbow. Everyone living happily ever after only existed in fairy tales. That type of 'ending' had been his goal he had fought so hard for. He had fought all he could in order to bring back the happy smiles to all of them. But he just failed. In the end, he failed to rescue everyone whose hearts tied to his heart. In the end, he failed to erase all their sorrow and sadness.
Maybe it was simply out of his hands at the first place. But then who gave him the false hope to start with?
Their fates were all tangled together. There was no simple solution to this. He had to choose. To gain was to lose, to lose was to gain. Perfect endings simply did not exist. He had to make choices on what he would sacrifice for what he wanted to get back. Even though he managed to bring Aqua back from the Realm of Darkness in one piece, he disappointed her by not being able to wake up the blonde keyblade apprentice sleeping in the Chamber of Waking. He lost the ability to wake Ventus up, because he had already given part of his own heart to his Nobody in order for him to exist again.
Roxas and Ventus.
He had chosen Roxas.
Fate was a son of bitch. The 'existence' of the two, he could only choose one. Though Sora never regretted over his choice, it did hurt him so bad when he saw the despair and deep sorrow in Aqua's beautiful eyes. That was when he clearly realized how powerless he indeed was against the so-called Fate. Even though Aqua never blamed him, he knew he was just a selfish human being in the end, he was indeed not what his friends expected from him. He had chosen his own Nobody over some stranger he barely knew. After the lost chains of memories returned to him, he desperately wanted to give Roxas another chance to live his own life. The truth was that he couldn't have Roxas off his mind ever since the day they met in the World That Never Was. He could never forget that faint smile of his and the sadness in that pair of identical sapphire eyes he saw on that day. As crazy as it sounded, Sora fell so hard for his own Nobody ever since that day. He wanted to do anything he could for his Nobody. All he wanted was Roxas's happiness. Was this too much to ask? Yes it was. Although deep in his heart he knew Ventus was supposed to be the rightful choice. He wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice himself if it was needed for Ventus's waking, but he simply could not sacrifice Roxas again for anything. He simply couldn't. So instead, he had made a selfish choice for once.
And it was not just Ventus he didn't manage to bring back.
Namine, Xion, Terra…In the end, those who belonged to the memories stayed still in his memories, those who were lost so deep in the darkness were lost for eternity. Not even Ansem's research that was hid in his body could help save them (2). This time, he failed to keep his promises.
"If you let the sadness consume your heart, you would fall into the Darkness." (3)
He knew. Of course he knew. But it was not only the sadness, after what he had been going through on his third journey, he found himself unable to suppress all the negative emotions swirling in his heart anymore - sorrow, guilt, anger, hatred, confusion, frustration, despair…
And here he came, awakened by all of his negativity.
Vanitas…was he really the darkness from Ventus? Or, was he in fact his own darkness?
Vanitas vanitatum, omnia vanitas. (4)
All of his swirling negative emotions eventually converged into the endless void, pulling his heart down to the deepest, darkest, emptiness.
"Sora."
That was his best friend's voice calling his name from behind. Sora didn't find himself surprised that the silver-haired teen was able to find him here today, after all the elder teen has been trying to catch him to talk for the past few days. Sora did not turn his head back to his friend immediately upon the calling. He felt he needed a bit more time to put his smiling mask back on today for some reason.
He knew his friends were worrying about him, but he simply did not want to confront their concerned and questioning eyes. He just wanted to run away from them, wanted to escape from all their questions. Sora believed it must be Vanitas who put these thoughts into his head. He knew that his friends were his power. If he lost all his friends, he would just be a powerless, useless brat; good for nothing. It must be Vanitas's plan, trying to cut off all his bonds to the others.
"Hi, Riku."
Sora finally greeted back. Whatever. He gave up. This was his best friend since childhood. He could at least forget about his mask for a moment in front of this person, or could he?
"Sora, do you want to talk? You seem to not be acting like yourself lately. Kairi and I are worried about you. Did anything happen?" The silver-haired teen reached out with a friendly hand offering help.
"No, it's nothing. Thanks, but I'm fine."
Sora only turned down that helping hand.
"It's just I'm feeling a bit tired. You know, that trip was exhausting. Guess I just haven't fully recovered from it yet. But it's no big deal, don't worry."
Riku frowned. The once crystal-like sky-blue eyes became too deep for him to see through now. The emotionless voice, the Sora who was not smiling, all too strange and distant to him.
"Sora, this is not like you at all. Something must have happened. You aren't being yourself." The silver-haired boy didn't know his worried words only triggered a switch inside his best friend.
"Okay fine, then you tell me HOW should I be like? Only because I'm not acting like the Sora you guys think I should be, so I am not me anymore?"
Sora snapped before he even realized. His frustrated shouts stunned both his best friend and himself.
Fuck it!
Sora tightened his fist. It was not him. It must be Vanitas who made him snap!
Nope, boy, you know the truth, it's not me~
"I'm sorry Riku, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you, I just…" Couldn't find the right words, Sora habitually scratched the back of his head, which immediately reminded him of one thing – his hair. They said his hair was now black.
"Sora," his friend's frown deepened, "Are you falling into the Darkness?"
"No. I don't think so."
Oh right, he almost forgot, the elder teen he was facing right now had more experience of confronting and dealing with the Darkness than himself. He must have noticed. Sora felt more fidgety now at the thought. He didn't want Riku to notice Vanitas's existence, in fact he didn't want anyone know that Vanitas exists, not at all. Okay, it must be Vanitas again who made him think this way.
Blaming me on everything again? Tsk, how convenient for you.
"…Sora, you know you can tell us anything. Whatever problem is bothering you, why not tell us? You know you'll easily get lost if you face everything on your own–alone. We are here to share your burden. That's what you told me before, remember?" The silver-haired teen tried once more.
Tell you what's my problem? What should I tell you then? Tell you that I want to take over the Kingdom Hearts, to destroy this fucking meaningless world? Or, to tell you that I so fucking want to fuck my own Nobody? Ha! Like the fuck I will!
Sora mentally laughed at this ridiculous self of his.
"Hey Riku, I can handle this, okay? You just worry too much about me. I'm not a kid anymore, Daddy. Who do you think I am anyway? I, the mighty Keyblade Hero Sora, would allow myself fall into the Darkness? No way in hell! Hee Hee~"
Outside, Sora grinned like his old bright self once again, assuring his friend with playful words. It looked like he shouldn't let his mask down even in front of this person.
Knowing too well his friend was a stubborn one, Riku sighed lightly, "Well then Sora, I'll leave it to you this time. But just you know, I'll always be here to listen whenever you decide to talk about your problem, okay?"
"Thanks buddy."
But these things are different, even if it's you, I still can't let myself to tell you these things.
Even though this burden is getting too much already, it is my burden I have to live with, after all.
There was only one person he wanted to tell everything to. Sora smiled bitterly as a certain blonde figure come to his mind.
He wanted to tell him everything. But he just couldn't.
A/N again:
(1) That's what Sora said in BbS secret movie "Blank Points." I find it's interesting that the meaning of his words is translated almost completely differently in English version of the game than the Japanese one. So I actually combined what he said in both English and Japanese game. The first half is taken directly from the English one, and the second half I translated in my own way based the original Japanese game. (I almost cried when seeing Sora say those words with a bright smile on his face. This kid is just too kind, caring too much for the others while not care if himself will get hurt badly. Sora you stupid little fool T_T)
(2) This is also mentioned in "Blank Points." Nomura has said in Ultimania that Ansem's research would become a "key" for rescuing those who Sora wants to rescue in KH3 – yes that's right, Nomuran made it clear in Re:Coded Ultimania that KH3 is going to be about how Sora save those sad souls as mentioned in Blank Points and the end of Re:Coded. Despite the fact that in my fic I pictured the worst case scenario for what could be happening in KH3 and how the negative outcome might affect Sora's mentality, I personally believe that in the actual game Sora will NOT fail on his 3rd mission. Yes, he will bring them all back!...At least this is what I'm hoping. I, indeed, was crying like Aqua did in the secret movie when watching it. Now Nomura gave us hope, he'd better keep his words for real! xD
(3) This is Data-Roxas's line from Coded/Re:Coded. BTW, I heard Re:Coded will be out on Jan the 11th in North America. It's a great game definitely worth buying. Don't miss it!
(4) It means "vanity of vanities, everything is vanity" in Latin, from Ecclesiastes 1:2. (now you see where my penname came from xD)
And last but not least, if you are not confused enough yet, just let me tell you this, as you can see from this chapter, the Vanitas in this fic is not the exact Vanitas you see from BbS per se, if you catch my drift xD.
Reviews and comments?