A Cry For Peace
And so it was that Jennifer Masterson, the sanest member of our little group, willingly lay down her arms and desperately pleaded with her fellows for peace. This far, all efforts had failed, but, on that day, she had finally gotten representatives from both sides to sit down and agree to a temporary cessation of the fighting. From her forces, Jonesy and Nikki were attending, not even attempting to hide the fact that they were still glaring at Wayne and Chrissy. Jen coughed officiously before addressing her fellows.
"Ahem! I'm, uh, glad to see that you're all willing to take a time out from all your little battle plans and try to put things aside for a little while."
Wayne interrupted her sharply.
"But let's just get one thing straight: Nothing's gonna be forgotten here, Jonesy. I still haven't forgotten all those hits you put out on me. I'm only agreeing to stop because we've got that Galleria Mall's annual Sidewalk Sale coming up next week, and Invasion of the Psycho Zucchini isn't just going to sell itself!"
"Yeah, and we're, like, sooo behind at the Khaki Barn. All these paintball attacks have been seriously cutting into our sales."
"Tuh! Cry me a river, blondie."
"Nikki!", Jen hissed. "Let's not forget how much a temporary peace treaty would be good for you, too, shall we?"
"Yeah, but don't forget what this ceasefire means for the ol' Jones-meister. My sales at the Point 'n' Shoot have never been higher since this whole mess started. It's like the most profitable job I've ever had. War is awesome!"
"It'll have to end some time, Jonesy. With luck, you'll still have plenty of time before that happens."
"Or until you get fired. Whichever comes first," Nikki snorted.
"Hey!"
"Look, all I'm asking is that we put the paintball war games aside for one day, just one day while we all enjoy the Sidewalk Sale. It only happens once a year, you know. And, besides, I think we could all benefit from one day where people aren't consistently shooting at us. I'm not saying that we just forget the paintball war entirely, just that we put things aside for the length of the Sidewalk Sale and that we just let things cool off for a little while. Everyone agreed? Then hands in the middle."
As everyone put their hands in the middle, one on top of the other, Jonesy and Wayne exchanged knowing glances.
Oh, you just keep on smiling, pretty boy. You've just sealed your own doom.
Bring it on, hotshot. This changes nothing.
On the day of the sidewalk sale, everybody in the mall was very busy, and Ron the Rent-a-Cop was passing out tickets like there was no tomorrow. In his own way, one could guess that he was excited too. All the busy shoppers laden with their armloads of discounts and deals almost made Caitlin sick as she poured lemonade after lemonade after lemonade. She should be out there joining the fun. She was one of the best shoppers in the mall, for crying out loud! And, about an hour ago, Trisha had gone by and actually stuck her tongue out at her. The lemon hat had taken a furious pounding after that. If both parties hadn't agreed on that no-hostilities pact, Caitlin would SO be-
"Caitlin. Uh, hey…"
It was Kenneth, her latest boyfriend and the one who had started the whole thing by shooting Wayne. There was an awkward silence between the two as they acknowledged each other's existence. He drew in close, and Caitlin imagined that he was about to kiss her.
"Listen, you didn't hear this from me, but the no-hostilities pact is a lie."
"What?!"
"Yeah, Wayne and Chrissy only pretended to go along with it so they could hit you guys with your pants down. You're not safe here."
He hastily drew away.
"I've said too much. Goodbye, Caitl-AAAAAAHHH!"
SPLATSPLATSPLAT!
Kenneth's body fell prone, right there in the middle of the Big Squeeze's seating area. Far off in the distance, Caitlin could see Darth performing a little victory dance and raising his paint rifle high.
"Yee-ha! Don't mess with the Force, traitor!"
The young Jedi Knight ran like a deer, but Caitlin was not far behind him. As she pursued her would-be quarry, she relayed the following message to all of her friends:
"Everyone, Wayne and Chrissy lied. Meet me at the fountain; we need to get out of the mall, now!"
Darth too was sending a message, his cell phone cleverly tuned in to the Rent-a-Cop's police scanner frequency.
"Operation is thus far successful, Jedi Master Ron. I am leading the target into the ambush zone."
"Excellent work, soldier. I shall alert the troops. This ends here!"
Within minutes, everyone had rendezvoused at the mall's main fountain by the escalators. Jonesy had made sure to "borrow" some of the merchandise from the paintball store before he left. He now carried the highest-caliber repeat-action paintball gun known to man slung over his back like a sword. Jen was the first to speak.
"Alright, we're here. Now where'd he go?"
"I don't know. He managed to outrun me, so, when I stopped to catch my breath, he was gone."
Jude, as usual, came in with one of his hilarious non sequitirs.
"Hey, is my hand on fire?"
Nikki looked at him incredulously.
"Uh, no, Jude. Your hand is, in fact, not on fire."
"Oh. Must be the chocolate-covered jelly beans."
Now everyone was staring at him.
"What? Now seemed like the perfect time for me to whack out on sugar. Anyone else want some? I've still got a whole box left."
"Looking for someone?"
Everyone's eyes now turned to meet those of Darth, who now stood before them unarmed. Jonesy drew his gun, clicking the trigger once for an ominous effect.
"Get ready for some payback, traitor!"
"Oh, I think not, Jonesy. In fact, I'd say that today is the day that my side takes victory."
Nikki snorted.
"Tuh! You and what army, Yoda?"
"This one."
From out of stores and from behind potted plants, from out of the bathrooms and even from out of the fountain itself, the forces of Wayne and Chrissy's army surfaced, prepared for epic battle. Even Ron the Rent-a-Cop showed up, one hand on the steering wheel of his golf cart while the other steered. Without even a word of warning, several wide shots were fired, sending the friends scurrying for cover. The many things seemed to happen at once.
"Ambush!"
"Oh, man! This is it! The end!"
"Shut it, Wyatt! This isn't the end! Here, I'll lay down some covering fire while Jude, you flip over that park bench and make a fort! One way or another, we're making our final stand right here, baby! This fountain is our a la mode!"
"You mean Alamo."
"Whatever, man, I just wanna shoot stuff!"
Who will prevail? Will Wyatt ever man up? And what has become of Kenneth? All this and more will be answered next time!