Hi, everybody! The Animaniac Dude says that he's going to talk in third person for this chapter's author's notes! He likes talking in third person every once in a while!
Okay, first off, The Animaniac Dude would like to apologize from the bottom of his heart for the hiatus he put on this story, and not updating when I said I would, but it's all taken care of now! The Animaniac Dude's laptop had a rootkit on it. For those of you out there with a degree of tech-savvyness, you know what that means. For the rest of us, in a nutshell, it caused a whole bunch of bad shit to happen. He's getting the sneaking suspicion that he got it off of a stupid Zwinky his cousin conned him into downloading, since it's the only thing he's downloaded since the beginning of school. Plus, he's gotten confirmation from his friends that whenever they downloaded it, their computers got jacked up, too! The Animaniac Dude always knew he hated those things!
Anyways, as a peace offering for the hiatus, The Animaniac Dude is going to combine two chapters together, one of which was already the promised super-long chapter, to make a super-DUPER long chapter! How about 'dem apples! He would've done it to this chapter, but he's really worn out, (his schedule has been running him ragged, and he's fairly certain that he's earned a few D's or F's just writing what he did) and he just wants to get that posted and over with!
For those of you who were wondering about what the crap happened to Neji and Tenten, and possibly even Jiraiya, (lol) you're probably likely to find out either in the next update or the one after that, so keep your undies untangled!
The Animaniac Dude would just like to place a bit of a warning on this chapter. There are mentions of molestation, child abuse and other, quote unquote, "unyouthful stuff", so, if anyone can't stomach that, he'll mark where it starts and stops. He'll also try and not include anything extremely relevant to the plot in those, so said queasy people don't miss out.
The Animaniac Dude thought of a way for Gai to be all youthful-y with a legitimate reason, and without being a freak of nature! Glee! He would be a pretty cool character if he wasn't all youth-obsessed and stuff.
Okay, that's all The Animaniac Dude can think of, so… come 'ere, disclaimer! Come 'ere, boy!
Disclaimer: The Animaniac Dude doesn't own Naruto. If he did, Rock Lee would've been a whole lot less ugly! Nobody deserves that much ugliness in one life!
Good disclaimer! Here, get the treat! 'Throws a treat in the air, and the disclaimer eats it'
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The Sandaime walked down the street holding Naruto in a bundle of blankets, getting bows of respect from the populace, only to stop halfway and hiss at what he was carrying. He sighed. "And to think I thought I would be able to uphold his will…" he shook his head ruefully. "I hope Kakashi knows what he's doing, sending you to Drifting Leaf." He tilted his head to the bundle he was carrying. "Good luck, Naruto. You're going to need it."
'No I won't. I'm too skilled to need luck.'
'Hey, hey, hey. No need to get a swelled head just because you have as much skill as a Hokage just hours after being born.' Kyuubi smirked.
'Au contraire, fuzz-for-brains. That is EXACTLY why I'm allowed to have a swelled head.'
'Oh, I'm SO getting you for that fuzz-for-brains comment!'
'Bring it, you overgrown hairball!' a battle between a chibi Naruto and human-Kyuubi then sparked, causing a cartoony fight/dust cloud to appear. Sarutobi, oblivious to the turmoil in Naruto's mind, continued walking in silence.
Finally, as they reached the orphanage, the fight ended, with Naruto standing triumphantly on a beaten Kyuubi, a broken white flag still waving in his hand.
'Ha! Loser! I win!' he smirked once more. His mental tirade was halted as he heard voices being spoken.
"…will be brought by an ANBU guard every day. And if he comes to any harm, I will personally see to it that this building will be torn apart, brick by brick, and that you will never find employment as long as you live in Konoha!"
"Feh. So this little brat is the Kyuubi. Ugly bugger, isn't he? Never liked kids, nasty little maggots, the whole lot of 'em." At the Sandaime's glare, the man who Naruto had yet to see chuckled grimly. "Don't worry, one more bugger won't destroy us. I'll take the kid." Sarutobi relaxed.
"He's in your…" he paused. "Capable hands." As he turned away, only Naruto was able to see him grimace. Naruto shook his head and turned to see his new temporary guardian, only to recoil in shock. 'WHAT THE HELL!? SUPER FUZZY-BROWS!?' (A/N 'thunderous crash' DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNN!)
Once he got over the shock, he took a closer look and realized that this man was different from Gai. True, they both had the same bowl cut and unnaturally thick eyebrows, but this one looked worse for wear than said spandex man. He had an uneven coating of stubble on his chin, had a horrendous pot-belly, had his hair streaked with gray, and most noticeably, seemed to be blind in the left eye, if the milky whiteness coating it was anything to go by. Naruto scowled as he recognized the eye. 'Dammit! I never thought I'd have to deal with HIM again. I wish I knew this BEFORE I made Kakashi promise! This just makes things even more complicated.'
'Shit, man. I agree with you. It would've been good forewarning to know that the sorry excuse for Gai's brother owned this."
'No kidding. Maito Gen was one of the worst problem cases I'd seen.' One of the very first, as well as worst, cases that were brought to Naruto as Hokage involved Gen. He had been a Chuunin in the second Great War, as well as Gai's older brother by 13 years, before he quit and practically disappeared. When he didn't show up to enlist after the council issued a draft for all citizens with battle experience, (when the armies ran short fighting sound, rock and cloud,) the ANBU were sent to get him.
What they found disgusted them.
(A/N LOOK AWAY, FAINT OF HEART! HERE COMES THE BAD STUFF!)
The children inside were thin and sickly, their clothes in tatters. The beds were tightly packed together, barely enough room in between them for a child to squeeze by. The kitchen was grungy and the utensils were both rusted and covered in layers of grease, yet the children they asked said that they looked normal. When the ANBU led them out of there, a boy asked if they would have to be "touched in weird places again" to get this. (A/N Think 'Nazi concentration camps', if any of you have seen movies with those.)
The even crueler part was Gen's room was covered in riches. Silk sheets imported from Suna, mink coats sold only on the black market, trash can overflowing with tax papers over a decade old, the works. He was eventually charged with child molestation, child abuse, avoiding government summons, black market trading and tax dodging. He was put to death by almost unanimous vote. As Naruto had been walking out of the courtroom, Gai (which Naruto remembers as the only time he had ever seen him wearing a tuxedo, or anything not spandex related, and remarked that it looked good on him) stopped him, a somber look on his face. "Now you know why I've been so passionate about having my life full of youth. I want to live the life of innocence and purity that he never had. I never reported him, as he is my brother, but I have never condoned it."
(A/N YOU CAN LOOK NOW, WEAK-HEARTED! IT'S SAFE!)
Gen scowled, held Naruto at arm's length as though he were contagious, and walked inside the building. Although, calling it a proper building may have been an overstatement. It was little more than a wooden hut that was larger than usual. The shingles were broken and falling off, with entire holes showing in places; the walls were slanted, as though it was built on a slope. Naruto would have believed that, if it weren't for the fact that everything else was level.
"Rise and shine, maggots! Up and at 'em! Another day, another dollar!" Gen yelled while rattling a small tin bell on the door. Within minutes, the entry hall was filled with sleepy-eyed, miserable children. Gen did a quick head count before scowling and grabbing a boy by the scruff of his almost non-existent collar. "You! Where's that other boy, the really ugly one who's a smartass?"
'Takes one to know one, you monster!' Naruto growled as the boy mumbled something.
"Talk louder, you little freak, or I'll-"
"He said that he was tired, and if anyone dared to wake him up, he'd get the whole Hyuuga clan to Jyuuken their ass out of Konoha!" the boy yelled as the room grew quiet. A few of the older boys started to laugh as they understood the joke. Naruto winced. 'Yep, that's Lee alright. Only kid here who'd know about Jyuuken and the Hyuuga.'
"Did he, now? Well, let's find out, shall we? You first!" he then drop-kicked the boy into the bedrooms as Naruto heard what sounded like ribs snapping. Kyuubi growled.
"Dammit, this is not good. We need to get some backup, ASAP."
'Agreed. I'll get Kakashi.' Naruto closed the connection and reopened Kakashi's link. 'Kakashi! Kakashi, you there?'
'Naruto! What's wrong? You sound angry.'
'Change of plans. An unforeseen circumstance has arisen. Things are going to spiral out of control if we don't get backup fast.'
'Yeah, sure, whatever. I'll get something from the old man, but after you answer some questions. Why Drifting Leaf? What's so special about it?'
Naruto sighed over the connection. 'Well, now that I've got all this time to make things right, I can't just leave Rock Lee here all alone, now can I?' Kakashi inhaled sharply.
'Lee's there!? My god, that's horrible!'
'And that's not the worst of it. You know Gai's brother, Gen, right? That's where things are off kilter from what I thought. He's the guy in charge of Drifting Leaf.'
'Oh my god…' Kakashi stumbled backward mid-stride as he realized the implications. 'We've gotta do something!'
'I know, I know, but what!? What CAN we do!?' Naruto stopped as he saw Rock Lee being brought in. 'Hot damn, Lee's getting dragged out of bed for something. This won't turn out well for anybody! Gotta go, think of something!'
Naruto broke off the link as Gen set him down on the floor and started talking. "Well, well, well. If it isn't the little freak! Causing trouble again, are we?" he turned to the assembled children. "We don't like troublemakers here, now do we?"
The children started and rapidly started agreeing with him, as though they were worried about what'd happen if they didn't. "Uh-huh!" "Yeah!" "That's right!"
"What do we do with troublemakers here?" Gen sneered maliciously.
"Beat 'em! Beat 'em!" the chant was taken up by the whole gathering as Naruto lay forgotten in Gen's arms.
"Damn, Lee. And you dealt with this your ENTIRE childhood last time? Oh, and also, don't go and strong fist everyone here like last time you were woken up, that'd raise some questions we don't want." Lee jumped about 3 feet in the air, much to the confusion of the children and Gen, as his eyes wandered frantically before stopping on Naruto.
"Naruto! What are you doing here!? This was not supposed to happen!" Lee stuttered mentally. Naruto sighed. He could feel fuzzy-brow's shame and embarrassment radiating across the link, unveiled and unhindered.
"Look around you! THIS is why I'm here, Lee! Did you actually think we could ever condone letting your entire childhood go to hell in a hamster cage not once, but twice!?" the argument, however, was cut off there as Gen recovered from Lee's unusual actions.
"What's the matter, little freak? Did you find out that everyone hates you? Nobody wants you, nobody needs you! Just a big baby, that's what you are!" he motioned to one of the kids, who snapped to attention and raced for a box on the other room. Opening it up, the kid grabbed it and ran back over to Gen as Naruto hissed.
The object was a cat-'o-nine-tails. (A/N no, it's not a demon, it's a type of whip with nine flails! Google it for info.)The toughened black leather handle was stained with red spots that couldn't be mistaken for anything but blood. The nine separate whips were worn away partially, as if it had seen much use. Gen sneered. "How many lashings for sleeping in does the freak deserve?"
The children started shouting out large numbers while looking at Lee with sadness in their eyes. 'Better his hide then mine.' They seemed to say. Gen held up a hand to silence them. "I heard forty out there. Who said forty?" the crowd parted to see an older boy walking up. Gen patted him on the head. "Excellent choice. You get to have white bread at dinner today." The crowd gasped, as if this was unheard of as the boy ran off in smiles.
"Now, let's get on with the show!" Gen ripped off Lee's shirt, exposing his unblemished back to the world. Gen frowned. "What? Where're the scars?"
'Kuma must've healed them.' Naruto brain-spoke to Kyuubi.
Gen shrugged. "No matter. I'll just put them back on!" he raised it over his head and brought it down…
Only to have it caught mid-swing by a gloved hand. Gen whirled around snarling, before freezing and draining the blood out of his face.
Standing in front of him, holding the whip in his hands, was the Yondaime Hokage. In actuality it was Naruto, who Henged unnoticed off of the fresh memory of his father. But Gen didn't know that.
"Y-Y-Yo-Yondaime!?" he stuttered. "B-b-but you-you're dead!"
"Even death cannot stop me from persecuting the wicked." Naruto spoke, his voice identical with the original. "And you, Maito Gen, are as wicked as they come. Repent, and I shall spare your soul from eternal damnation."
"Repent and I'll spare your soul? Naruto, you disgust me!" Kyuubi muttered in his head.
'Clichéd to the brink of existence, I know, but it gets the job done.' And indeed it did, for Gen was trembling at the knees, with a distinct off-color stain in his nether regions. 'Now, shut up and lemme think what I'm gonna do next.'
"Well, if you are lacking any brainstorms, let me suggest something…" Kyuubi dropped his voice conspiratorially, even though only Naruto could hear him, as he whispered an idea to his host.
Naruto grinned. 'You are an evil, evil, man. I love it!'
"I know. It's a gift. Oh, and, how're you going to get out of this one without getting anybody suspicious? Going to be kind of freaky to the people if the Yondaime un-Henges to a little midget baby."
'Don't worry, I've got it all figured out. It's going to be awesome!' he cut the connection and refocused on Gen. "do you wish to repent? Or shall I send your tarnished soul to the ninth gate of hell?"
"I-I-I-I repent! I repent!" Gen sobbed hysterically, sinking to his knees in front of Naruto.
Then you shall do everything I say, exactly as I say." Gen nodded. "First, you shall turn yourself in to the ANBU and confess your crimes." Gen opened his mouth to protest, but wisely closed it again. "Second, you shall give away all the ill-gotten wealth that you have hoarded to the poor." Gen trembled. "And third, you shall find homes for ALL of the children here, making sure that they find lodging with any and all willing families."
"But!" Gen started. Naruto silenced him with a wave of his hand.
"Do you wish for eternal torture?"
"But… the Kyuubi brat! Nobody would ever take him in! Not willingly! Please, Yondaime, anybody but the Kyuubi brat!"
Naruto glared. "Yes. Even Naruto Uzumaki."
"But he killed you!" Gen replied as a last ditch attempt to convince the 'Yondaime' otherwise. The temperature in the room dropped a good ten degrees. Chakra began to form around his body and lash out at anything in its reach.
"Never. EVER. Say that again! Do you wish that in exchange for my survival, Konoha and its denizens perished!? Do you foolish people want to desecrate and destroy the true hero of Konoha!? Naruto Uzumaki is the jailer of the Kyuubi, NOT the demon incarnate! I am going to be watching over this child, and I shall protect him and all who shall aid him in the future from any possible harm!" he turned to the gathering of children and teens. "Let it be known that Naruto Uzumaki has both the blessing and protection of Namikaze Minato, Yondaime Hokage!"
The chakra that was coalescing around his body exploded in a blinding burst of light. When the orphans and Gen recovered enough eyesight to see, the place where the Yondaime had been standing was empty.
A disembodied voice floated through the air. "I am watching over him, Gen. and I shall know if you don't make good on your word. Aid him, and you will share the glory. Obstruct him…" the voice faded away. On the other side of the room, Naruto lay belly-first on the ground, deep in conversation. (A/N the conversation between Naruto and Kyuu is within just a few seconds, instead of however long it takes you to read the talking. When Gen talks after the talk, it's been one or two seconds after the disappearing act. Just wanted to make that point clear, so that there's no confusion about Gen's slow thinking, or lack thereof.)
"Nice. That was cool, I have to admit. Though I'm wondering how you got from over there to here without Bunshins, and looking like normal."
'Simple. I just released the Henge, and Kawarimi'd with an air particle over there.'
"Without any handseals?" Kyuubi asked wryly.
'Yeah, I know. That's part of the bloodline I asked for. Remember? Simple jutsus and frequently used jutsus can be done without seals?"
"That's right, I forgot. Lucky bastard."
Naruto gurgled happily. Gen flinched, then turned and picked up Naruto Uzumaki into his arms.
"Blessing, eh…?" he muttered. "Whose blessing is it? Yours, for protection and recognition? Or mine, for a second chance at a second life?"
He shook his head of those thoughts and pointed to four or five of the older teens. "You! Stay here with me for a bit! The rest of you, go start scrounging for money or sellable stuff! I highly doubt there's going to be families for all of you on the first day, and good food isn't cheap!"
The assembled masses muttered in confusion before a girl, no more than five of six, stepped forward. "But, Gen-sama, the food we eat is cheap!" the others nodded their heads and muttered approval.
Gen raised two fingers. "Okay, first, never call me Gen-sama again, Gen-san would be fine; and second, I said GOOD food, not the crap you used to eat! THAT kind of food isn't cheap!
The orphans cheered at this news as they figured out what it meant. "Yay! Good food!" "No more lunchmeat surprise!" "We can eat white bread now!"
"Not if you don't start finding money!" Gen roared. The kids yelped before scurrying off to their appointed jobs. He shook his head and turned to the pre-adults. "I called you here because you people are the more mature and responsible ones. You are old enough to be able to legally find and work at jobs. Find whatever odd jobs possible to get a regular cash flow here." The teens nodded before whooping and charging off into the city.
Gen chuckled and looked downed at the toddler in his arms. "So it's just you and me, eh, little tyke? I think we should go pay a visit to our friendly neighborhood Hokage now. I don't a deceased Hokage starting a spiritual headhunt for me."
'Yeah, that probably wouldn't be good.'
"Yes, but if he confesses, he's going to have a live Hokage starting a physical headhunt for him."
'Ah. Touché.'
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After getting lost seven times on the way, Naruto and Gen finally arrived at the Hokage tower. Not two seconds after opening the door, the inward procession was halted by two ANBU.
"Do you have an appointment with the Hokage?" the one on the right intoned.
"No." the ANBU reached for his arms to escort him way. "But I have something to say to the Hokage that he will drop everything for."
"Really now? Give us one reason we should allow you, when countless others have tried and failed." The one on the left spoke.
Gen smirked and motioned his head towards the bundle wrapped in his arms. The ANBU on the left reached down to see, but snapped his hand back as if bitten once Naruto was visible.
"Ah. Yes. That… thing. You are the caretaker?" Gen nodded. "Then you must be here to get rid of it. I do not envy you." The two guards flanked Gen's sides as he walked up the stairs.
"Suckers." Gen muttered under his breath.
The first ANBU reached out and knocked on the office door. "Hokage-sama? An important visitor to see you."
"What? I did not have anything planned for now!" they heard a sigh from inside. "Fine. If they convinced you two, then it's important. Come in." with this, Gen strolled inside while the guards waited outside.
The Hokage was sitting at his desk, hastily scribbling away at a long string of paperwork. He wearily looked up. "Yes, what can I-"
"Hokage-sama, I have done a great wrong, and I wish to come clean." Gen dropped to his knees and told the Hokage all of his crimes. When he finally finished, the Hokage was silent.
"This is a very serious matter. You have described enough crimes to be sentence to life in prison. Possibly even earn the death penalty." Gen lowered his head in shame. "And yet, you came forward and told us all of these crimes without us prompting you to. We were not even aware of these crimes, and you still tell us. That in itself counts for something." He kneaded his forehead with his knuckles for a few seconds before arching his fingers into a steeple. "I have decided. You shall not be put to death or sent to jail."
Gen let out an audible sigh. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."
"However, this doesn't mean that you shall come away scot-free. You are hereby sentenced to a thousand hours of community service and a 5000 ryo fine, both of which can be paid back at your leisure."
'Not bad, considering.' Naruto thought to himself. Gen voiced these same thoughts. "That's not so difficult. Thank you for giving me another chance."
"I am just glad that you have found the way again." The Hokage stood and shook hands with Gen before Gen turned to walk out the door. As he was opening the door, Sarutobi's voice rang out. "By the way… to satisfy my burning curiosity… what made you want to do this?"
Gen chuckled. "That is another story in itself. May I sit down?" he spoke, motioning towards an empty chair. Sarutobi nodded. "Thank you. I'll be blunt: the things I am about to tell you are fantastic, implausible and downright unbelievable. And yet, it is completely true. It's also why I brought along the little tyke here."
Sarutobi blinked, just noticing Naruto for the first time. "Naruto! What does this have to do with him?"
"Everything. To put it in a nutshell, I was visited by a ghost." He then proceeded to tell his entire encounter with the 'Yondaime's ghost.' Halfway along, Sarutobi was slack-jawed. By the end his face was pale as paper, and his eyes dangerously bulging out of their sockets.
"But…but…but…but…" he slumped back into his chair bonelessly. "I'm going to need some strong sake. You can go now."
"By your leave." Gen bowed, still holding Naruto, and walked out the door. As he pushed open the door, he could hear two muffled cries of pain. Looking around, he could see the ANBU guards holding their noses tightly, as if hurt. He shrugged and walked on.
Even before Gen rounded the corner, the ANBU guards were whispering to each other, still clutching their painfully throbbing nasal cavities.
. "Didja hear that?! The Yondaime's ghost showed up!"
"Forget that, the demon brat's got the ghost's blessing!"
"Oh, man, I've GOT to tell my mom this, she'll freak out!"
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Meanwhile, back in the Hokage's office, Sarutobi gulped down yet another swig of sake. It wasn't Tsunade's quality, but it drank good. (that's a phrase my grandpa always uses. 'It may not be to your tastes, but it eats good.') Sighing, he turned back to the pile of paperwork at his desk. "This is EXACTLY why I retired in the first place! To get away from this!" he grumbled. Still fuming, he reached into the pile of papers at random and pulled out a random request for a search warrant. Sighing again, he gave it a cursory glance before blinking and looking at the person to be searched. "Maito… Gen?" he slumped back in his chair, holding his head. "The irony is so cruel."
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A/N: Jesus born in Bethlehem, that was hard to write. Ooh, that reminds me! I'm going to try really really hard to get the super-duper long chapter done before Christmas, but it's not guaranteed, so, if I don't, happy post-thanksgiving, and merry Christmas to you all!
1: the word is out, the 'ghost' is in! Now that the ANBU know about it, it's only a matter of time before it gets out to the general populace, and then all hell breaks loose! Lol
2:to all people who recognized where I got Katon: crap o' flame no jutsu: here's a cookie! 'Hands out chocolate chuck cookies' for those of you who didn't know, I got it from fun with Akatsuki episode 10. It's a hilarious Youtube series about Akatsuki life.
3: if any of you see any glaring canon issues with the story, (aside with the obviously stated ones, like Naruto monkeying around with the time stream) please review and tell me! I'm not all-knowing, and I'd like this story to be as accurate as possible!
4: RANT CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right now I am so fuckin' mad at a political guy! His name? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran. HE IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE! He's so stuffed to the gills with bullshit that he goes around telling everybody that the holocaust never happened! Sure. Right. What is this, a government conspiracy forum? And you're saying that all of the eyewitness accounts of genocide on the Jews, the TATTOOS, all the DEAD PEOPLE, all of those are fake. Yes. Sure. Brilliant. Here's your 'special van', sir. It's here to escort you to your new home: a windowless room with five-by-seven padded walls. And don't even get me started on the gay thing! Sure, it's sick, wrong and not how god intended us to love someone, but hey, that's how they think. I may think it's disgusting, but they truly just aren't attracted to the opposite gender. They're still human! And Mahmoud just goes around spouting off that Iran doesn't have any gays. What about the ones you SHOOT, you bastard!? They're people, not animals! And Israel! Hell, he's practically announced war against them! 'Israel should be wiped off the map,' he says. And he's got the nukes to fuckin' back up his claim! I can already see it! It's like a theme park: "come one, come all, to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Alternate Universe! Where the holocaust didn't happen, where there are no gays, (except for the ones we kill) and Israel has been blown up!" he is a sick, sick man and should be locked up somewhere where he can't hurt anyone! Damn him!
5: I am really curious right now: you know the seven swordsmen of the mist, right? Well, so far, I've only seen two: kisame and zabuza. Who are the other guys? If anybody has a clue who they are, I'd really like to know, for curiosity's sake!
6: I'd like to place an APB (all points bulletin) out on information about any and all Japanese gods! I'll need the info for the story, so, please help a guy out!
There's probably more stuff I need to talk about, but I just don't really care right now. I want this done! REVIEW!