As the days went on, Ivan kept catching himself staring at Yao, and each time it became more and more difficult to look away. And yet he refused to speak to him.
Looking was one thing. All he could learn about Yao from looking at him was who he was physically; talking was a whole different story. From talking, he learned who Yao was, and that fed the fire far too much.
He didn't even realize an entire week had passed until the sun crawled in from his window on Saturday morning. It only made him sad, not being able to go to school and look at Yao. For once, school held a bit of purpose; now he was stuck alone for two days. Hiding under his blankets seemed like the only option.
But being alone meant that his thoughts could creep up on him as much as they pleased. You'll hurt him, they hissed. He will fear you. You will terrify him. He will end up like Toris. He will hate you.
Putting his hands over his ears, he pulled his knees into his chest. They were wrong; the voices had to be wrong. Yao barely knew him, and Ivan barely knew Yao. He couldn't hurt him if that was the case. But still, there was the slight chance that the voices in his head could be right; Yao could be absolutely sickened by him.
He ignored Katyusha when she called him down for breakfast; he pretended he didn't hear Natalia when she banged on his door, scratching her nails against the wood. All he wanted was for Monday to come; all he wanted was to see Yao and know that he was still there. Then maybe the voices would understand him when he said that Yao was different, that he didn't hate him. Until then, he'd just have to believe them.
Monday rolled around, and Ivan had never been downstairs quicker. Much to his sisters' surprise, he didn't fight them when they told him to get in the car, and when they arrived at school, he was racing to the front doors before Katyusha could pester him to stop being so afraid.
First period was hell; he couldn't concentrate on calculus when he knew that Yao was somewhere in the building. Second and third were no different. He passed by Yao in the hall, but he had only seconds to glance at him before he was gone. He needed longer than that. He wouldn't be able to rest his overly excited heart until he could.
When the third period bell rang, Ivan could've cried. Never before had he been excited to see someone; usually, he was afraid.
Yao was already sitting at his desk when Ivan entered the classroom. Out of the corner of his eye, Ivan saw that some loose hair had fallen into his face. Yao pushed it back behind his ear, continuing to read the book in front of him. Even as he sat, Ivan continued to gaze at him, noticing how concentrated Yao seemed to be. He had yet to turn the page.
He isn't very good at reading English, Ivan noted. He could offer to help him, perhaps even tutor him–
No. That couldn't be an option. The last time he had ever tutored anyone it had ended in depression. Yao couldn't end up like Toris; he had to keep reminding himself of that.
So instead, he watched from a distance, wanting to help but holding himself back from his desires.
He didn't pay attention during English, and he felt deprived in his fifth period Physics class. Sixth period was just a glum reminder of how close Ivan had been to making friends with Yao the week before and how his illness had held him back.
He couldn't bring himself to look at Yao the rest of the day. It just added more weight to his heart. He had so been looking forward to seeing him again, and now that he had, it only worsened his mood.
School was back to just being school; a prison he was so unfortunately trapped in with no escape. And now the new convict was on his mind. Life was a wicked thing.
Support group sounded like a bother more than anything else that day. Ivan was pushed out the door by Katyusha, and despite the thought of walking in the opposite direction, he made his way to the blue house on the end of the street.
Feliciano greeted him at the door, as always, a bright smile plastered on to his face, one Ivan couldn't return. Every week was the same; the chairs were set in a circle. They spoke of their days, how they felt. Lovino would start a fight. Alfred would crack some inappropriate joke. Heracles would fall asleep. Nothing changed.
It was a surprise to Ivan when he saw an extra chair stuck in the circle usually made for eight. In the chair was a small boy with straight, dark hair with matching brown eyes. He looked uncomfortable but nervous more than anything else. His eyes kept darting left and right as he curled his fingers into his palms. Heracles seemed to be talking to him. Though the boy didn't reply, Ivan saw how he would nod, just to tell Heracles that he was listening.
They hadn't had anyone new join them since Ivan had started. He had always been the newbie, and now this kid seemed to be stuck in his place.
Paying no more mind to him, Ivan sat down in his usual seat, rutted right in the middle of Lovino and Alfred's fight. They didn't seem to notice the new boy, but then again, he seemed to be the only one who had.
"Before we begin," Ludwig said, sitting down next to Feliciano, "I'm sure you've noticed that there is someone new here." He turned towards the boy who leaned as far back in his chair as he could, as if he were trying to hide himself from the rest of the room. "Why don't you introduce yourself?"
The boy made no move to do such a thing. He looked helplessly at Heracles who simply shrugged, nodding him on. Becoming incredibly interested in his shoes all of a sudden, the boy spoke in a soft tone, "My name is Kiku."
"And why are you here?" Ludwig asked, beginning to write down in his notebook. Kiku hooked onto his jeans, knuckles fading white.
"The doctors say I have social anxiety," Kiku said, shaking his head. "But I know that I am just crazy." There was more scratching in the notebook as Ludwig hummed to himself.
"You aren't crazy," Feliciano said reassuringly. "You're just a bit different is all. Did the doctors give you anything to help?"
"Some pills," Kiku said. "But I do not think they are working."
"Mine do not work that well either," Heracles interjected. "I still fall asleep in class. But not as often. So that is good. Do not worry so much."
Kiku gave Heracles a glance, shooting him a one sided smile.
Ivan had stopped listening after Kiku finished talking, and Ludwig moved onto Heracles. This boy was related to Yao; this was the boy Heracles had talked about the Monday prior. He was Yao's brother.
A whole different fear rushed through Ivan's body. If he were Yao's brother, surely he'd go home and tell him about the group. He'd tell him how Ivan was there, how he was insane. Yao would never look at him again.
"Ivan?" Feliciano was calling him. "How was your day? Did anything happen?"
Shaking his head, Ivan hugged himself. He couldn't rely on anyone, especially not his own mind. Yao would find out about him; and then he'd go back to being alone. But had he ever not been alone in the first place?
"No," Ivan said. "Nothing happened."
Yao paced back and forth in front of the door. He had been on edge since Kiku had left to go to his support group. What if he had a panic attack while he was there? He didn't know any of those people. Wasn't that meant to trigger him?
"Yao, I am sure Kiku is fine," his father tried to reason with him, but Yao couldn't bring himself to believe him. How could he possibly know that? "You're over reacting."
"I'm not over reacting," Yao snapped. "You heard what the doctors said. He gets afraid around new people. He's around new people! He could be panicking right now, and we can't do anything about it!"
"Yao," Niu said, running his fingers through his hair. "Sit and calm down. Kiku will be home soon. Until then, you'll just have to relax."
But he couldn't relax. Even when sitting, he bounced his knees, just to give him something to do. Stillness was a foreign concept at this point. He tried texting his friends, but Alfred and Arthur hadn't replied. Matthew had talked to him for a bit but had to leave when Francis started begging for sibling time.
It took ages before Yao heard the door open. His heart stopped momentarily when he saw his brother. Kiku looked to be breathing normally, and he didn't look too upset. Standing up, he moved to him, but Kiku pushed past him. Watching him go up the stairs in silence, he looked to Hei-Ran who was shedding her jacket and hanging it on the coat rack.
"He was silent the entire ride home," she said. "I think he's just a bit flustered with what's going. Give him some time."
Time was something Yao didn't have the patience for. How could he be patient when Kiku was shutting him out and not telling him anything?
He tried doing his homework, but his mind wandered to Kiku sitting upstairs in his room alone. And when he tried thinking of anything else, his mind faltered over the image of Ivan.
Yao knew he had been staring at him all during English, but he hadn't made a move to do the same. Something about Yao made Ivan uneasy, Yao could tell. So he pretended like he didn't know that he was watching him. Everything seemed easier that way.
Falling asleep that night deemed itself too frustrating for Yao to handle. He tossed and turned in his bed, but no matter what he tried, he failed. Staring at the ceiling, he sighed. Days had never seemed so long. He could blame it on the time change, but he knew the truth. Things were becoming more stressful as the days went on. He didn't know how far it would go, but he really wished it would stop.
The next day had to be better; he told himself that over and over again, hoping it would get him to go to sleep. But it didn't. The darkness of the sky soon turned pink within what felt like seconds, and without knowing it, sunlight filled his room. He had been awake all night, and he felt no sense of exhaustion. He just felt numb.
Yao didn't feel like going to lunch on Tuesday, but he needed someone to talk to. Seeing as those three were the only friends he had, he felt as if he didn't have much of a choice.
Eyes lined with dark circles, Yao fell into his seat, wishing he could go home. He hadn't been tired in the morning, but after a period or two, the all nighter he had pulled had decided to take its toll on him.
"You look awful," Alfred said. Yao had learned over the few days he had known him that Alfred didn't have much of a filter. He said the first thing that came to his mind, whether it was good or not. But he didn't think he could blame Alfred this time; he was sure he looked like death.
"Alfred, that's so rude," Matthew whispered, sending Yao an apologetic smile.
"No, no, he's right," Yao said. "I was up all night last night. I couldn't get to sleep. Everything has just been so stressful."
He told them all of how Kiku had pushed him away, rejecting him every time he tried to talk to him. He told them of how his brother hadn't been the same since moving to America, how he shut himself away. "And last night, he came from his support group and just ran upstairs. He wouldn't talk to me."
"Oh yeah, I know your brother," Alfred said. "He's really quiet, you know?"
"How do you know Kiku?" Yao asked.
"It's like you said, he was at his support group. I'm in that with him. He's not much of a talker. He just kinda sits there, all silent. A bit creepy if you ask me."
He wanted to ask why Alfred was at the support group with Kiku, but it sounded too personal, too unsympathetic. Perhaps he had social anxiety as well, and Yao just couldn't see it.
Alfred laughed. "Dude, you look way too high strung right now. It's fine to ask what you want. I'd be pretty confused if you left me hanging after saying something like that." Leaning forward onto the table, he said. "I'm in there because of my eating disorder. I've been there for a little over a year now."
Oh. That had a taken a turn. But it added up. It made sense as to why Arthur had to force-feed him everyday at lunch, why Alfred looked so in pain when he ate.
"I'm…I'm sorry," Yao said, looking down. "I didn't mean to pry. I would never…"
"Dude, I literally told you when you didn't even ask," Alfred said, giving him a warm smile. "It's cool. It's not some big secret or anything."
Arthur wrapped his arm around Alfred's shoulder while Matthew looked at his cousin worriedly. It made Yao feel a bit guilty for complaining about his own, second hand problems. Looking at Alfred, he wouldn't have guessed he was so cursed with something so vile. He hid it too well. His smile was too bright to seem hurt. But that all seemed to just be an act. Inside, he was struggling with a concept Yao couldn't even begin to imagine. No one would know what was really going on in his head unless he gave them some insight.
"Hey, don't make it awkward," Alfred said, rubbing the back of his neck. "You guys are way too serious."
"It's because we worry," Arthur scolded. Alfred rolled his eyes, kissing his forehead.
"Well, stop worrying so much," Alfred said, cutting off his boyfriend before he could say anything else. "So Kiku didn't tell you anything about last night? At all?"
"No," Yao said, heart rate increasing. "Why? Did something happen?"
"Nah, he just talked about his social anxiety or whatever. He just kept quiet the rest of the time. He seemed really nervous." It sounded like his brother: quiet and nervous. "He didn't tell you about the thing happening the week of Christmas then?"
"No. What's happening the week of Christmas?"
"We're meant to bring someone close to us or some shit. Someone who supports us. I don't know, it was Feliciano's idea. He's really sappy like that." He turned to Arthur. "Will you come with me?"
"Of course," Arthur said with a smile. "But you're taking me out afterwards."
"Sure, babe," Alfred chuckled. "Anything you want."
Yao couldn't help but find them similar to a stereotypical high school romance movie couple. The star quarterback was dating a small, blonde boy with a cute accent. They loved each other, and they didn't mind letting everyone know.
But then he added in the factor of them both being boys and how one of them had an eating disorder. No movie company would buy that; it was just too complicated. Life was complicated though. And perhaps it wasn't perfect but at least it was real.
To be continued.