Chapter Six

The chapel at the crematorium was thankfully quite small as there were not too many people there to farewell Douglas McKenzie. Kate had received a phone call two weeks after their return from America, to say that her father had died quietly and peacefully in his sleep the night before.

For both Kate and Caroline, this was a tipping point; Kate because she adored her father and she felt the sense of loss all over again, just as she had when he stopped recognising her; Caroline because she was thrown once again into the recurring nightmare of Kate's death and funeral.

As they were getting ready in the morning, Kate found her wife sitting on the edge of the bed in her underwear shaking and sweating. This had not happened since they returned home.

Caroline looked up at Kate and said, "I don't know if I can do this. I'm afraid I will break down at the service. All I can see right now is the coffin that your body was in and the doors opening and swallowing you up."

"I don't know what to say Caroline. I have to go, he's my father, and apart from one cousin, I'm all he has. Mum isn't coming you know that." Kate said rather tensely. "I can't stay here and look after you. Why don't you try ringing Amy, we still have time and she might be able to talk you through what you are feeling."

Caroline managed to say "I thought I was over this" in between the wracking sobs that seemed to be consuming her. She really had been so happy and content in the last few weeks. But then there hadn't really been anything to challenge her new state of equilibrium. "I'll try to call Amy, but she probably has a client."

She called Amy's number and it went straight to answering machine. Managed to string a few words together and leave a message for Amy, she asked her to ring back if she could within the next hour.

Kate sat down beside Caroline and held her saying. "This will be different because it won't be me in the coffin. I will be right beside you, holding your hand and I will keep you safe and you will console me. It's what we do you and me, we can be so strong together. I have to go now and dress Flora; once she's ready I'll come back here."

A few moments later Caroline's phone rang and it was Amy. "Caroline, what's happened." After listening to what she was experiencing Amy said," Remember we talked about this Caroline. Sometimes something will just trigger your traumatic response. It can't be helped. It's all part of the on-going stress and you know that, you just have to get through each set back, and it will get better. In your case it has been ten steps forward and today, one step back."

There was a silence then Caroline said, "Of all days this had to happen. I need to be there for Kate. Her father has just died for God's sake. She's alive and well and I should be able to do that, be there for her. Instead I'm a quivering mess and now she has to try and get me through it as well as herself."

"Caroline I can't talk to you for long as I have a client due. I am going to be rather directive and tell you what I think you should do. Just try to focus now on getting dressed, that's all, just putting on each item of clothing. When you are ready, pick up Flora and concentrate on her. When you get to the crematorium keep Flora on your lap. Hold Kate's hand and just feel her presence. If you can't look at the coffin, don't, just look at Kate." There was a pause, then Amy broke the silence, "Caroline are you listening to me?"

"Yes I am. I'll try to do what you suggest, I really need to get through this and be there for Kate."

"Text me when the funeral is over to let me how you are; If necessary I'll stay back and see you later this afternoon. I have to go now." With that, Amy hung up.

Caroline slowly eased herself off the bed, walked to her wardrobe and picked out a suitable dress and jacket to wear. She could feel her breathing starting to become less laboured and she consciously tried to slow it down.

A few moments later, Kate came back into the bedroom. Caroline told her what Amy had suggested and she agreed and thought it was a good plan. Caroline slowly and thoughtfully finished dressing herself and then went downstairs and picked up Flora who was asleep.

"Mum are you OK?", Lawrence asked staring intently at his mother. "You look very shaky". Lawrence knew very little of his mother's trauma. She had tried very hard not to expose him to it as he had his own issues that still confronted him.

"Yes I'm OK. I'm just upset for Kate and it sort of makes me think about how she nearly died. It still haunts me a bit." Caroline replied.

"I'll sit beside you at the funeral mum. If you need to you can lean on me, or I can hold Flora if you want me to." Lawrence offered.

Caroline could feel the tears welling up as she listened to her son's concern for her.

"Caroline we have to go now. The undertaker will be waiting for us." Kate said as she gently took her hand. She had opted not to bring the coffin to the house as she knew that it had been part of Caroline's nightmare, seeing Kate's coffin in the drive.

They climbed into the Jeep and strapped Flora into her baby seat. Kate and Caroline sat together in the back seat holding on tightly to each other, as William was driving. Alan followed in his car with Lawrence. Celia had offered to stay at home and prepare a small buffet for the few guests that Kate had invited back to the house.

As they pulled into the car park of the Crematorium, Caroline saw the hearse for the first time. She quickly looked away and tried to slow her breathing. She did as Amy had suggested and kept her eyes on Flora.

Kate walked off to meet the guests as they filed into the chapel.

True to his word, Lawrence sat beside his mother and held her. Alan had placed himself right behind Caroline and gently put a hand on her shoulder. Caroline had a firm hold on Kate's hand and Flora was in her car seat on the floor in front of them.

The celebrant walked in and began. It was a simple, dignified service. At one point Kate got up to read a poem in memory of her father. Caroline picked up Flora and held her tightly as her wife left her side. As the doors opened and the coffin slid silently through them, Caroline forced herself to look it and she whispered, "Goodbye Douglas, I'm sorry we never got to know each other. You must have been special to give me Kate." Then, turning to face her, she put her arm around Kate's shoulders and pulled her gently in to her, wiping away the tears rolling down her wife's face.

Half an hour later, they were all back at the house. True to her word, Celia had managed to put on lovely refreshments and acted as the gracious hostess.

Caroline slipped away into her office to send a text to Amy. 'I'm OK. Got through it. Thanks for your strategies. No need to stay back. I can wait until next week. C.'

Once everyone had gone, Celia made a pot of tea for her, Alan, Caroline and Kate. William and Lawrence had gone to see their father for the evening.

"Are you both alright". Alan asked in a concerned voice. "Celia and I do know how hard it has been these past few months, for both of you. You've had a bad time. You know we'll always help you in any way we can." Kate got up and gave Alan a tender kiss on the cheek. "You've both been amazing and Caroline and I are so grateful to you, especially when I was in hospital."

Caroline nodded to Kate who nodded back, then she looked at them and said, "this might be a good time to tell you some news, some good news".

"O God you're not pregnant again are you Caroline or you Kate." blurted out Celia.

Carolina and Kate burst out laughing, "Mum that's ridiculous. No we are not pregnant. There would have to be a star in the east for that to happen!" Caroline joked. "Thank God" said Celia. "Alan and I can't manage anymore what with Calamity and Flora."

"No mum, it's a little less drastic than that." and she went on to explain the new position she had just been offered with Columbia University; two days of lecturing at Leeds University, the research work for Columbia and the chance to have Flora at home some days each week. The Board of Governors at Sulgrave were quite devastated to receive Caroline's resignation and they had asked her to stay on until half term while they tried to find a replacement. Kate had been appointed Head of Languages as the incumbent had decided to retire during holidays.

When the two women eventually climbed into bed, they looked at each other, seeing the lines of weariness. Kate looked at Caroline and said, "See I told you we can face anything together. You were magnificent today,"