Are you available later? I need to talk to you.

Matsuda blinked at the text message from Sayu. Considering the hectic phone call the day before, he felt apprehensive about the short message that was now displayed on his phone. It was even worse because he could only interpret the tone that was being used in the message as negative. Was he in trouble? Was he in for more bad news? Was Sayu herself in trouble? There was just no way of knowing this all through a simple text message.

With a small disarming smile at Aizawa - who had an eyebrow raised at him from the other side of his desk - Matsuda tapped out his response,

Yes, but not until after probably 7 or so. Everything okay?

"Everything okay?"

Matsuda managed to hold back a flinch, concerned that his boss had seen the messages despite being on the other side of a desk. "Yeah, everything is fine. Just checking in on Sayu."

"She's speaking to you again?"

"Er-.. Well, yeah. She-.." The sound of his phone receiving another incoming message interrupted him. "Just a sec."

I don't know.

There was a brief interim in which something inside of Matsuda sank before another message buzzed in, and then-..

Can you come over then?

Matsuda felt his brow furrow, and as he began typing out his response, he could feel Aizawa's steely, hawk-like gaze upon him, measuring his reactions. Damn, why couldn't he have gotten these messages anywhere else other than in his boss' office with the man himself all but looming over him?

Sure, I'll come over ASAP after work. Can't talk now – busy.

Her response was instant. Okay, thank you.

Matsuda let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding as he moved to slip his phone back into his pocket, "Sorry about that. Everything is fine."

"You sure?" Aizawa sounded doubtful.

"Yeah, she just wants to talk some more about Light," Matsuda said, although he was pretty sure her messages had more to do with her current "situation" than Light.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to discuss his case with her without my being there."

"It doesn't seem like she is wanting to talk about the case, exactly. I think she just, um.. just needs someone to actually talk to about Light himself," he said, hoping that sounded convincing enough. Well, for all he knew, she really could just be wanting to talk about Light, but he really did not think so.

"Are you sure that's all it is?" Aizawa grumbled, looking irked.

"Well, what else could it be?" Matsuda said with a small laugh, "It's not like we're dating or anything, heh."

Aizawa scoffed, "You damn well better not be."

Now Matsuda could not help but look crestfallen, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean," Aizawa said, leaning forward and piercing Matsuda with his stare, "That you damn well better not be dating her."

"..Since when did you start channeling the old chief?"

"Since you opened your big mouth to his daughter about his son's case."

Matsuda sighed, hanging his head, "I really am never going to live that down, am I?"

"Considering it was just about the stupidest thing you have ever done and it cost us an irreplaceable resource – no. And let's face it – you have done a plethora of stupid things-.."

"Hey!"

"So many that it would take a national consensus to figure out just how many-.."

"That's not-..!"

"Now, did you have a reason for being in here besides regaling me with your text messaging skills?"

Matsuda pressed his lips together into a thin, aggravated line, but he decided to let it go, seeing as Aizawa had pretty much spared him his life. "Yes, this case," he said, leaning forward and opening a case file.

He and Aizawa went over the file together, Matsuda presenting him with a potential break in the case, though Matsuda's focus was only partially allocated to their discussion. He was deeply worried about what Sayu wanted to see him for. Had she made a mistake about the baby being his? He didn't think so – she seemed adamant that it was Near's. Had she perhaps gotten an abortion? He really could not have blamed her for doing so.

Or.. what if she hadn't been able to convince her mother that he was not responsible?

Oh boy… He hoped he wasn't going to be getting a call from his parents soon. They had been pestering him for a long time about settling down, finding a wife, and starting a family, so getting a call from them due to a misunderstanding was the last thing he needed.

As a result of this train of thought, Matsuda spent the rest of the afternoon feeling phantom vibrations in his pocket. He checked his phone each time and felt simultaneously relieved and anxious at seeing no messages or missed calls, but his phone may as well have been a ticking time bomb sitting against his leg. At the very least, it felt like it was burning a hole in his pocket.

By the end of the day, after he finished up the extra janitorial duties he had received as punishment for his slip-up to Sayu about Light's case, he was a paranoid mess, complete with raised blood pressure and a dampened brow. As soon as he was free, he whipped his phone out of his pocket and sent a message to Sayu.

I'm off. Heading over now. Need anything?

No, thank you. See you soon.

For some reason, though, Matsuda felt it would be rude to show up at a pregnant woman's house without bringing something for her to eat - so he stopped off at the store along the way and bought her some things he remembered hearing that pregnant women typically liked.

When he showed up at her door with a bag of groceries, Sayu looked at him, nonplussed. "What is all that?"

Matsuda flashed her a small, friendly smile, "Some things I thought you would like. I wasn't sure if you had eaten yet or not."

"Oh," Sayu said, giving him a small smile in return, as she took the bag and set it down on her kitchen counter, "Well, thank you."

"There are plenty of grapefruits in there for you, too," he pointed out, in response to which Sayu scrunched up her nose. Matsuda frowned, "You don't like grapefruit?"

"Not really."

"But I thought all pregnant women liked grapefruit."

"Where on earth did you hear that?"

"I dunno… Never mind, I'll just eat it myself."

"Sorry. I'll take these berries, though."

"Fair enough," Matsuda agreed, wanting to grin, but also hyper-aware of the fact that they seemed to be dancing around the subject of why he was there.

"Thank you," she said as she popped a few blueberries into her mouth.

"No problem - It's good to see you eating."

"Sometimes I feel like that's all I am doing."

"Well, uh.. that's.. normal... isn't it?"

Sayu shrugged, "I guess it is."

There was a lapse of silence between the two of them in which Matsuda wondered if he should prompt her into telling him why she had invited him over, but he decided to remain silent to allow her time to gather her thoughts, which he was sure were scattered at this time - his sure were.

"Also," she started as she sat herself down at her small dining room table, pushing a stack of mail out of the way and setting down a bowl full of the fruit Matsuda had brought her. "Thank you for, um... for not judging me. Especially because I have been such a terrible person.

"What?" he squeaked in disbelief as he sat down across from her, "How can you say that about yourself? You are the least terrible person I know."

"I don't see how. I am nothing but a huge hypocrite."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, there's lying to my mom about Light for one. And then there's the fact that I don't know if I am going to tell Nate about the babies or not, when-.."

"Whoa, wait. Babies? There are more than one?"

Sayu pushed out a frustrated sigh, "Apparently."

"How-…?" Matsuda stammered, but then he remembered that they were in the middle of talking about something more important and said, "Never mind. Sorry to interrupt. Go on."

"That's it, actually. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.." she muttered, looking down and ripping apart a piece of junk mail. "That's why I called you over here. I'm sorry if you were busy or had plans later, I just-.. don't know what to do."

Momentarily, Matsuda felt deeply touched. Sayu was asking for his advice? No one ever did that. And here he was, having spent the entire day agonizing over thinking she was going to reveal more bad news – not that this conversation was a happy one, of course, but still. He felt a warm swell of affection rise up inside of him and was determined to do all he could to help, even if his advice didn't make sense even to himself sometimes.

"Okay, well, um.. I guess-… So how does not telling your mom about Light make you a hypocrite and a terrible person?"

"Because…" she huffed, closing her eyes as though she were in deep thought, and then frowned when she opened them again, "I was furious at you – and Nate – for not telling me the truth about my brother."

"Yeah, I remember." Matsuda was still not sure he was following her. He had an idea of what she was getting at, but for some reason the links were not connecting in his brain.

"How can I rightfully keep the truth from her when I broke up with Nate over the same thing?"

"Sayu," he began, bracing himself for a potential backlash from her, "This-.. This is exactly why none of us wanted to tell you about him either."

"What do you mean?"

"None of us wanted to do that to you. I didn't want to do that to you," Matsuda said, swallowing as his mouth suddenly felt dry. Sayu was watching him expectantly so he continued, "Telling you that Light was dead was hard enough, especially after your father, and the kidnapping-.. But to then tell you that your brother was a... a-.."

"A serial killer?"

Taken off guard by her bluntness, Matsuda stammered, "Th-That's one way of putting it, yes. How could I - we - tell you that? Never mind that it was confidential and we weren't supposed to discuss it outside of the task force - It would have broken you."

Sayu blinked slowly at him a couple of times, drawing Matsuda's attention to the fact that her eyes were wet with tears. Why did she always have to cry whenever he was around her? It always made him feel like he was the cause. Still, she seemed to be holding it together for the most part - she was just upset, as anyone in her position would be.

"Well, you're right," she said softly, "It did break me."

"Sayu-... I don't think-.." Matsuda pushed out a sigh, trying his best to get his mouth to form the words his brain wanted to say, "Okay, maybe you are a little bit broken from it. Let's not lie about that. We all are broken from it. Believe me. I've-.. I have had more nightmares than I can count. Sometimes I can't sleep at all. It's a wonder my eyes don't look like Ryuzaki's."

"Whose?"

"Never mind. I just mean that-.. I know he wasn't my brother, but he was my friend. I trusted him. I even admired him. He was a genius and much more popular than I will ever be. He always knew exactly what to say and how to say it, while I-.." He paused and looked up at Sayu, their eyes meeting. She looked sympathetic. Even after all the pain he had caused her, she still had the ability to feel sympathy for him? It seemed unfair, somehow, and made it difficult for him to continue. "I don't know if what I am going to say will make sense to you, but-.. Maybe finding out the truth about Light did break us, at least a little - more than a little - but telling your mom? It would crush her. And that's not something you do to someone you love."

The silence that fell between them was almost palpable. Matsuda shifted in his seat in discomfort and watched Sayu as she seemed to be digesting what he said. She seemed to be fiddling more with the pile of the shredded junk mail, at any rate.

Not sure if she was going to say anything or not, he went on, "I mean, how would you feel finding out that your son was a murderer? And not only that, but he was also responsible for the death of your husband?"

Sayu inhaled through her nose and pushed it out slowly, "I don't know..."

"I don't know either," he said gently, "But I do know that after calling in and checking on your mom these past few years-.. Her emotional state-.. I think it would be kinder to just let her believe her son died a hero."

"I guess," she breathed, as though she was reluctant to accept that as the answer but also understanding. "But what do I do in the meantime? I can't stand to hear her talk about him. God, she talks about him like he was a saint. I can't believe I thought he was a saint. I still can't believe he was really Kira..."

Matsuda watched her, feeling something uncomfortable slide around in his gut. They had all thought Light was a saint...

"I wish I had an answer for you on that, but I don't. How do you think I felt the entire time talking to you on the anniversary of his death a few weeks ago?"

"I'm sorry… I wish I had known."

"It's not your fault. But I hope now you at least somewhat understand why none of us had the heart to tell you or your mother the truth."

Sayu nodded and pushed around some of the scraps of paper, "Do you think that Nate-.. No, I doubt it."

"What?"

"Just-.. I can understand now why you wouldn't tell me – I'm still mad at the way it happened-.."

"Sorry."

"..It's okay, I guess. I can understand why you were reluctant to tell me, but Nate-.. His reaction I don't understand."

Now, Matsuda of course had not been there to witness how everything had played out between Sayu and Near, but he did know it had resulted in their breaking up – that's about all he knew of the situation. He was curious to no end about their relationship in general (and maybe just a little bit jealous), but he knew better than to pry. He supposed it wouldn't be prying if she had brought it up, though…

"What happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No, it's okay," she sighed, "I confronted him about it and all he did was try to placate me and then tell me that I was a 'civilian' and had no right to know." She paused and drew in a shaky breath before continuing, "He acted like nothing was wrong – like lying to my face was okay; like me finding out my brother murdered thousands of people was nothing compared to the fact that case information had been leaked to me. He acted like.. God, I don't know, like a sociopath. He was like a completely different person. It was like someone flipped a switch and out came this alternate personality I had never seen before. I don't understand. How could he be so.. inhuman?"

"Sayu.. the last thing I want to do is upset you more-..."

"God," Sayu whispered, lowering her head so that Matsuda could not see her eyes. "What else is there?"

"I won't say anything else if you don't want me to."

"Don't tell me – he really is a sociopath?"

"I-.. don't know if that is the word I would use, but I definitely think something is-.. I don't think he is capable of feeling emotions the way normal people do."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he began, hesitating for a moment until Sayu gestured for him to continue. He really didn't want to break her further, but he knew she would not forgive him again if he did not tell her everything he knew, especially if it could affect her decision to have Near in the babies' lives. "The day your brother-.. The day Near confronted Light-.. It was like a game to him. He didn't seem to care as much about executing justice as he did about winning. Even after I shot Light-…" Matsuda's voice broke and he swallowed, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, at least for Sayu's sake, "I can't-.. I don't want to go into the details about that - I just want to say that Near didn't react much to that either. I don't know what else to say about that. It just wasn't normal."

"God," Sayu said again, closing her eyes.

"I'm so sorry for upsetting you, Sayu. That's not what I wanted to do."

"How did I miss it?"

"Huh?"

"If he's really like that-.. But he was different with me. He was kind and sweet and thoughtful and-.. He loved me."

"Did he ever say that he did?"

"No. But then I never really said it either – it didn't seem to matter because we were happy together. At least I thought we were."

"I don't know if he is capable of understanding love, at least not the way a normal person would."

"But why? Why wouldn't he? You must be wrong. If he can't really understand or feel love, then how could he-.. How could he smile at me and laugh with me and kiss me and.. and sleep with me?"

"The same way Light could smile and laugh with us and then..." he trailed off, hoping the rest would speak for itself.

"So, first I have a sociopath for a brother, and then I fall in love with one," she said, looking down at the bowl of fruit, picking out a strawberry, and pushing it into her mouth with a sigh. Matsuda was not sure if her comment was meant to be rhetorical or not, but it made him feel bad for her all the same. He wished he could take away her pain.

Something must have suddenly dawned on her, because for the first time since their conversation began, Sayu looked more concerned than anything else. One of her hands slid off the table and rested against her abdomen, an action Matsuda was sure was a subconscious one, "Y-You don't think it's-.. Whatever was - is - wrong with them.. You don't think it's genetic.. do you?"

"I don't know.. I don't think so, " he answered honestly, knowing it would do nothing to put her mind at ease. The unease on Sayu's expression only grew from his comment and the hand she had placed on her swelling belly remained where it was. "I think in at least Near's case, it could be how he was raised."

"How he was raised?"

"Do you know anything about where he came from?"

"I know he's British, if that's what you mean."

"Right, but did he ever-.. No, of course he wouldn't have told you. Well, I guess it doesn't matter if I tell you since Near broke things off with the NPA anyway-.."

He again felt reluctant to tell her something that he knew would hurt her, but he also knew now that he could not get away with that. It would be better for him to just tell her now rather than her find out later and be pissed off at him again.

"We don't know much, but we do know that he grew up in an orphanage in the UK."

Matsuda observed as her eyebrows came together in consternation and she murmured, "..What happened to him?"

"We don't know. We don't know anything about his childhood or how he wound up there. The only information we could gather from our time on the Kira case was that the orphanage was actually kind of like some top secret training facility for gifted children who had been orphaned. That's how he came to be the current L - they were training up successors to fill in his shoes one day." Matsuda paused to push out a breath of air. Sayu was silent as ever as she listened. "Who knows what all else went on there."

"So.. you think that-.. because he grew up at that orphanage, it made him.. the way he is?"

"That would be my best guess. I honestly don't know anything other than that, but I think that whatever he went through - either as a child or at the orphanage, or both.. it had an affect on him."

"Then how can I not tell him about the babies?"

Matsuda blinked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"If he grew up as an orphan, don't you think he would want to know his own children?"

"I honestly can't say what he would want. From what you told me, it sounded like he-.. I'm sorry to say this, Sayu, I'm not saying it to upset you... but it sounded like he had the choice between you and being L, and he chose L."

"But you said that's what he was raised to become. That's all he has known. Did anyone ever give him a chance to be anything different?" she said. Matsuda was quiet. "I mean, I am mad as hell at him and hurt and about a hundred different things, but don't you think someone should give him the chance to choose what he wants?"

"But you did give him the chance."

"Yes, but that was me - these are his children. He has the right to know and the right to choose."

"But what will you do if doesn't choose his children either? What if he decides that he doesn't have the time or whatever for them and turns his back on you again?"

"I don't know."

"And then you will be stuck with raising two children, on your own. Do you have any idea what kind of struggles you are going to face with that?"

"I know."

"No one will blame you for getting an abortion, if that's what you choose to do," he said, and then closed his mouth in a hurry because he really had not meant to say that out loud, true as it was.

It turned out to be quite the mistake on his part, because Sayu's demure attitude was gone in a flash. "I KNOW THAT!" she shouted, her face red with anger, "Don't you think I considered all of that before I went in to the clinic yesterday?!"

"Sayu-.."

"I don't need someone acting as my father right now!"

"I'm sor-.."

"I may have messed up, but I am not stupid!"

"I'm SORRY!" he said with a raised voice, effectively ending Sayu's tirade, "I'm not saying you are stupid! God, I would never think that of you. Please, Sayu-.. Damn it, why do I always-..?"

And there she went with the crying again. Matsuda sighed, feeling like he had just messed everything up as usual, and resisted the urge to reach across the table and take her hands - he resisted because he remembered her ire the last time he had tried that, weeks ago, when she had first found out the truth about Light.

"Please, listen to me," he said softly, staring at her and urging her to look up at him. When she finally did, her eyes red and glistening, he went on, "I am sorry for saying that. I didn't mean to upset you. I always seem to say the wrong thing..."

Still Sayu did not respond - she only reached out to shove more fruit into her mouth, hiccoughing around it as she chewed. If she hadn't been crying her eyes out - much less on account of him - he would have found the action endearing, a thought which reminded him all over again how angry he was at Near for everything.

"Can I be honest with you?"

Sayu sniffled, her mouth still full as she retorted, "You have been brutally honest about everything else so far, so why not?"

Choosing to ignore her sarcasm, he said, "I think.. you have a good heart and you are just about the strongest person I have ever met." He couldn't tell if she was blushing or not, as her face was still red from yelling at him moments ago and from crying, but she did pause for a second as she was reaching to grab another strawberry. "And as such, you want to fix people. But not everyone can be fixed."

Sayu swallowed, sniffled again, and said, "H-H-How do you kn-know.. that h-he can't be fixed?"

"Well... has he tried to contact you at all since you last talked?"

"No... But I haven't called him either."

"But you made it clear that you were mad at him about everything? And he hasn't tried to apologize or anything?"

Sayu shook her head.

"There you have it," Matsuda said, "He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. You said yourself that he acted like nothing was wrong. He's never going to think he was wrong."

"Even so... How can I keep a secret like this from him when I broke up with him over keeping a big secret from me? Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? Isn't that selfish?"

Matsuda knew he had to be careful with what he had to say. "I don't think anything you do that is right for your children is selfish."

"And.. you honestly think that keeping them from him is what is right for them?"

"After everything I have seen from him - yes," he replied, feeling his gut twist up when he saw her expression darken. "What kind of father can you expect him to be if he doesn't realize the significance of family over cases?"

"I don't know... I just wish I knew what the right thing to do was," Sayu whispered, wiping her eyes with her sleeves.

"Me too," said Matsuda as he leaned back in his chair, knowing he had not given her the best of advice, but, well.. he had tried. Regardless of what her decision would be, Matsuda knew that he would be there for her as best as he could. He couldn't explain why, but he did feel responsible for her well-being, and therefore also for the well-being of the unborn babies. Maybe it was because he had, as Aizawa had put it earlier, opened his big mouth to her about her brother's case and had therefore set all of these events in motion. Funny how, after all the worry and panic, he ended up feeling responsible anyway.

Sayu sighed, interrupting his thoughts. "It's not always black and white, is it?"

"No. It's not."