a/n: I'm sorry, I know it's been forever since I've updated but I have had the worst case of writer's block along with having an absolutely insane schedule. Not a good combination to have and I didn't want to just put something up to put it up. This story is far too important to me to do that. Thank you all for your patience. I hope this was worth the wait.

Preacher came by Sunday, said he missed me at the service. He told me Jesus loves me but I'm not sure I deserve it. Because the faithful man that you loved is nowhere to be found since they took all he believed and laid it in the ground.—Alan Jackson, Monday Morning Church

Steve had always been a morning person. Ever since he was little, he'd been able to be awake and functioning as soon as he opened his eyes regardless of what time he had gone to bed or what time he had woken up. It had been a nice trait to have in the Navy and especially in combat when he had no idea what he'd be facing when woke suddenly. When he had returned to Hawaii, there really hadn't been a reason why he had to wake up at 4:30am (5am at the very latest) but it had been his routine his entire adult life and it was easier to just stick with it than to try to change.

Danny had most definitely not been a morning person. He'd grumbled in his sleep when Steve would get up to go for his morning run. Steve would just smile as a string of sleepy curses followed him into the bathroom. On a good day, he would find Danny already awake and in the shower by the time he returned from his run and swim. The rest of the time, Steve had to drag his partner out of bed and haul him into the shower in an attempt to get them out of the door on time. He'd always bitched about how it didn't seem possible for someone who seemed to have such an excessive of energy during the day to be so lazy before 8am.

Of course, that had all been before the cancer.

For the first few months after the grim diagnosis, things stay relatively the same which allowed them to live in blissful denial that things weren't anywhere near as bad as the doctors had told them. It wasn't long before their bubble burst and Danny started to decline. One of the first changes that Steve noticed was a decline in the amount of energy Danny had. He could keep up a good charade at work and around Grace but when it was just the two of them alone at the house, Steve could see the toll it all took on him.

Danny had stopped grumbling at him when Steve woke every morning, if only because he was so deeply asleep that he didn't even notice his partner had left the bed. In return, Steve became more and more reluctant to drag Danny out of bed. The SEAL knew how much he needed the rest, especially as long as he kept insisting upon working. When Danny was finally forced to retire because of his declining health, Steve's routine changed as well.

Every morning, the first thing that Steve would do when he awoke was roll over and check to make sure his partner was still breathing. Once he was sure that Danny was still with him, he would get up and go about his normal run and swim but they were cut down significantly in time because he didn't want to be away from the house too long in case Danny needed him. He would then shower quickly and get dressed before going about getting the morning doses of medication ready along with a small breakfast. Once he had everything ready, Steve would go back upstairs and get Danny up and ready for the day before leaving for work.

During the last few weeks of Danny's life, there had been mornings (though Steve didn't want to admit it to anyone) that he didn't want to wake up. Because waking up meant facing the fact that it wasn't all part of some awful nightmare. Waking up meant facing the reality that this was his life-his partner and the man he loved might wake up with him that morning but not come back with him to bed that night. There was another part of him though that knew if that was the case, he didn't want to waste the precious time they had sleeping. It had been his motivation to get out of bed every morning. And now that motivation was gone.

Steve rolled his head to the side to look at the bedside clock that currently read 9:47am. He'd been awake for about twenty minutes now but he couldn't get his brain and body to work together to move him out of his spot on the bed. The weeks of running on adrenaline and fear had finally caught up to him and he had managed to get a more than a few hours of restless sleep. Only problem was now that he had convinced himself to get back into the bed that he had avoided for over a week, Steve couldn't find a reason to get back out of it. Danny's scent was still on the pillows and sheets on the other side of the bed that had remained untouched since he'd left them that morning. So when he closed his eyes, Steve could trick himself into believing for a little while that Danny was still there—that he hadn't left him all alone again.

Eventually, Steve came crashing back to reality though and finally forced himself to move from the bed to the bathroom. He wasn't sure who the man was that stared back at him from the bathroom mirror but it sure didn't look like him. He hadn't shaved since the day of the funeral so he was now sporting a week old beard and his hair was sticking up in every direction (when was the last time he'd combed it?) He splashed some cold water on his face and hap hazardously brushed his teeth before heading downstairs to start a pot of coffee.

As he was putting a couple pieces of bread in the toaster, Steve could hear someone knocking at the door. He groaned. He was not in the mood for company and he thought he had made that pretty clear to Chin and Kono the last time they had dropped by. He would have thought the hole in his living room wall where he had tried to put his fist through it was pretty convincing evidence that he wanted to be alone.

'But isn't that what you ranted to them all about at the memorial service? That they all left you alone when you needed them?' A voice in his head reminded as he stalked towards the front door.

"Yeah well, if I can make it through that alone, I can make it through this." Steve muttered to himself as he threw open the front door. His complaint to the cousins about not getting the point died in his throat as he saw his boss on the other side of the door.

"Governor, I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting any visitors. Please come in." Steve ran a hand through his unusually disheveled hair as he looked around the house seemingly at a loss. Both he and his surroundings were clearly a mess.

"It's alright Steve. I just came by to see how you were holding up. I didn't get a chance to speak with you after the funeral." She said as she entered. He hung his head, slightly ashamed.

"I'm sorry about that." Steve said, rubbing his hand across his neck (a habit he'd picked up from Danny). "I wasn't ready to deal with people at that point. I….needed a little space." He admitted.

"From what I hear, you still do." The Governor pointed out.

"You talked to my team?" He asked, wondering what they could have possibly told her about his recent behavior.

"I talked to Chin. He's worried about you, Steve." She said sympathetically as she took a seat on the couch. She then added. "We're all worried about you."

"Oh, well that's very kind of you but I'm doing alright, really." He replied quickly with a half assed attempt at a smile.

"Steve, it's okay to be a bit of a mess right now. Nobody is expecting you to be alright. You've lost a part of yourself, it's okay to be upset." She informed, looking at him as Steve began to pace.

"Being upset isn't going to bring him back." Steve said, his jaw clenching as his face changed from a forced pleasantry to barely control anger.

"And being angry will?" Jameson pushed carefully.

She knew he was in a fragile state and playing with his emotions was a dangerous game but she needed to know where things stood with him. The SEAL had been on emergency family/medical leave for about two and a half months and he still technically had a few more weeks he could take before returning to work but she wasn't about to let him back on the taskforce until she knew for certain he was ready to be back. There was no way she was going to give him full means and immunity so he could turn around and kill himself with it.

"With all due respect ma'am, I don't think it's your place to tell me how I'm supposed to be feeling right now." Steve said as diplomatically as possible and Jameson could see how much restraint he was using to keep himself from saying something he shouldn't.

"Actually Steve, it is my place. I need to make sure that you're both mentally and emotionally fit to return to duty before I can reinstate you as the leader of the 5-0." She corrected and he deflated as some of the fight left him. "Steve, nobody is expecting you to back to normal right away but I need to know that you can do your job without going off the proverbial ledge." She added. Steve muttered something under his breath. "What was that?"

"I said I'll never be 'normal' again." He repeated, his voice breaking slightly.

"It might feel that way now but give yourself some time to heal and some day—"

"Don't say I'll get over him." Steve warned, a little of his previous growl returning.

"I was going to say it won't hurt as much." She stated carefully.

"I highly doubt that." Steve countered, crossing his arms over his chest. Governor Jameson sighed and stood.

"Take all the time that you need, Steve, but I'd like you to talk to someone before you return." She encouraged. Steve just looked at her.

"Like a shrink?" He asked, clearly displeased. The last thing he needed right now was someone to analyze him and tell him how he was supposed to deal with all of this. He knew how to deal with his grief—he was actually starting to get quite good at it.

"Yes, I'd like you to see some kind of grief counselor before I'll clear you for active duty." She nodded as she stood. Steve just continued to glare at her. "I can make it an order." She reminded.

"Yes ma'am." He replied with a sigh. There was no way he was going to be able to get around it and he could he could hear his mother's voice in his head. 'You don't have to like it, you just have to do it'

"I'm only looking out for yours and 5-0's best interest." The Governor said as they walked towards the door. "You're never going to be able to move forward if you don't figure out a healthy way to deal with all of this and you are far too young to be miserable for the rest of your life." She stated before she left.

Steve leaned heavily against the door as he closed it behind her. He didn't have to worry about being miserable for the rest of his life because he didn't have one anymore. Danny had taken it with him at sunset two weeks ago and there wasn't a damn thing Steve could do to get either one of them back.