It was dreary, cold, goffic morning in space and I, Tali'Zorah D'arkness vas Neema, put on my purple lace combat boots that go up to my knees and a big leather trenchcoat with skull buttons and fishnet fingerless gloves and a black fedora with a pink and black bow and lots of purple mascara. Then I put on my environmental suit over top.
I walked out of my coffin and hit something soft. It was Engineer Donnelly because he was fat. I stood for a moment, confused, but then I realized that he was watching me sleep and dress and he is creepy! What a pravert! So then I punched him in the face sexily and screamed blood curdlingly. Shepard came suddenly out of the elevator because she heard my cry of fright and vengeance. She punched him too. Then she said, "Tali, I need to talk to you. We're going on another super special mission."
"Okay, awesome!" I cried dazzlingly. "What are we doing, boss?" I struck a super sexy pose seductively. I hoped that we were going to shoot batarians because I hate them and they're creepy. Also because we didn't get to shoot any on the last mission.
"You'll have to come with me to the briefing room," said Shepard commandeeringly. I said okay because Engineer Donnelly was creepy and kept staring at me even after I punched him.
"But I haven't had my turian froot loops for breakfast yet!" I said suddenly realizing that I hadn't eaten breakfast.
"It's ok we're running low on Saren's blood anyway," said Shepard. So we got into the elevator sexily. Five... four... three... two... one. Zero. We walked out of the elevator and walked through the science room and walked to the briefing room.
Shepard strutted to her usual spot at the head of the table. I was confused because no one else was in the room and we always have to have three people in our buddy groups when we go on shore leave. And Shepard always has to be in the group. So really, I only ever get to have one buddy, and stupid sexxy Shepard. But anyway, there was no one else in the room, so I didn't really know what was going to happen.
In a flash, the door to the room opened and a new person walked in. Her skin was blue and shiny, and she had tentacles on her head and a really low cut shirt that was quite sexy, kind of like Thane's. I had never seen her before on the Normandy but Shepard seemed to recognize her. What a bosh'tet. I can't believe Shepard would give that sexxi asari the time of day. My hot quarian bod is way hotter than her.
"Hey Samara, meet Tali," said Shepard cordially.
"Don't touch me, you prep," I said sexily. Then in a flash she grabbed my hand and we shook hands.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Tali'Zorah D'arkness vas Neema," she said. "I am an asari justicar. It is within our code to shake hands with all new acquaintances. I apologize for touching you. May the goddess be with you." She spoke kind of weird like she was singing all the time. Also her hair kind of freaked me out, and because I was super smart like science I could tell she was an awesome biotic like Diabolo and Katy. I stuck my tongue out at her maturely and stood closer to Shepard because I was here first.
"So Samara needs to do some family business on Omega," explained Shepard quaintly.
"OMG Omega? That's like, the party rock haven of the galaxy! Did I ever tell you about the awesome Expel 10 concert I saw there?" Suddenly, tears started flowing out of my eyes. I couldn't stand to think about that place. It brought back so many memories, both sweet and terrible. I hid my face in my hands, and tried to hide my shame Samara, who didn't know what was going on between me and …. no, I couldn't say that name. Not yet.
"What's wrong?" Shepard asked convincingly.
"I... Nothing," I said shamefully.
Suddenly, we were on Omega. I sat next to Samara and she sat next to Shepard. She smelled like old person. Shepard and her were having some kind of heart to heart, but I couldn't really pay attention because there were some hot babes walking outside our shuttle and also the scenery was really nice. I wanted to point my gun at things but we were kind of squished so I couldn't really move my arms. So I cried to myself silently yet sexily.
Finally, we exited the shuttle and emerged into the slums of Omega. There were a lot of batarians around that stared at my hot quarian bod so I gave them the finger and shot one of them for good measure. Shepard didn't notice because she was too busy talking to some human about a dead person and other asari stuff.
We were looking around this house and I saw this awesome painting that I think Kasumi would like so I took it while Shepard was busy reading a dead chick's diary. I stuffed down the front of my environmental suit and continued to look around and point my gun at inanimate objects. Then we left. Sometimes shore leave is really boring.
Then Shepard turned to me dramatically. "Tali, you are no longer needed on this mission. Please return to the shuttle."
"But buddy groups have to have three people!" I yelled sexily.
"I'm going on this one alone," she said badassedly. Suddenly, I noticed that she was wearing a promiscuous pleather dress that showed off her curves and really nice stilettos. She had also put on makeup so she looked like a vampire, quite sexy. Tears started to well up in my quarian eyes, but when I turned around, Shepard was gone, and so was that stupid sexy asari.
"No!" I screamed hopelessly, sinking to my knees. The human chick walked over and patted me on the back. The picture fell out from under my environmental suit and the beautiful glass frame shattered before my very eyes. It seemed like the world had turned to blurry slow motion, as I blinked back tears and tried to understand what was happening to me.
"Thief!" screamed the woman blood curdlingly. "Street rat! All quarians are the same! The only species worse than them are batarians!"
I ran as fast as I could away from the scene, the streets of Omega passing in a dazzling red blur. I paused only to take a few shots at some passing batarians, but I might have accidentally hit a few vorcha, due to my grief. The poor vorcha...
I couldn't stop to breathe and in a flash I was run into a tough, burly turian security guard.
"Watch where you're going, Babealicious," he said in his smooth turian voice that was almost as sexii as Garrus.
I flashed him a sexy look and he let me in to the VIP section of Afterlife. I walked in to the club and was sad because Expel 10 was not playing. Then I broke down into tears when I remembered the great time Kaid'n and I had spent here. I collected myself quickly, quicly flushed the blood from my mask, and quickly ran over to the dance floor because I was ready to party.
I was dancing next to some hot guy who was attracted to me because of my sexiness and wonderful personality who wanted tickets to the next Expel 10 concert. I brushed him off. I couldn't have feelings for a human. Then my head wipped around and I spotted Shepard sitting in a booth, talking intensely to someone. It was an asari... Samara!
My vision erupted in a haze of red anger. How dare she leave me to be with an asari! They are almost as bad as batarians! Suddenly I remembered how that asari had accosted Kaid'n at the last concert and I was twice as angered, dazzlingly. At first I was going to punch her in the face, but I stopped myself. Maybe Shepard was seducing her to get information, because Shepard is smart and sexxy, like science. As limpid tears ran down my face, I forced myself to stay back and merely watch as my Shepard was being harassed by another woman.
Eventually, they left. I was shocked that Shepard would betray me because they left together. This other asari that looked exactly like Samara was trailing them and I knew I had to do the right thing. I couldn't let Shepard get involved in such a rash relationship. I knew whatit was like to regret something, and I didn't want someone so close to me to have to go through that pain.
I was a really good rogue because I borrowed Kasumi's omni-tool so I managed to get into the asari's apartment before Shepard and the other asaris. Suddenly Shepard and her love interest came in. I realized that she was betraying Thane and I cried for the both of them, silently and limpidly.
Shepard got up and decided to randomly walk around and talk but I wasn't really paying attention because I was too busy pointing my gun at the asari she was with. It was really pretty boring until Shepard sat down again and the asari moved closer to her. And closer. And closer. I was worried. Shepard's resolve seemed to go down. Was she really seducing this asari, or was she being seduced?
In a bang, the door burst open and the real Samara walked in, and biotically shot asari number two. I stared dramatically at each asari, because they looked so similar. Maybe they were twins like Thane and Kolyat. They were having a really intense conversation and Shepard looked adorably confused. They shot biotic beams at each other like Voldemort and Harry Potter, except those were magic and biotics is science.
Then, I suddenly realized that Shepard was standing up. She looked dazzlingly determined, and I was momentarily entranced. Then I realized what was happening. Shepard had her gun pointed at Samara!
"NO!" I exclaimed sexily, tearing off Kasumi's omni-tool and revealing myself to the room. I coudln't let Shepard make such a horrible mistake! Before anyone could say my name, I vaulted into the middle of the room and curled my quarian hands into small but powerful fists. I looked the strange asari straight in her deep, blue, penetrating ocular orbs. Without hesitation, I punched the bosh'tet hard in the mouth.
It was in slow motion like the matrix as she crumpled pitifully to the floor. I stared at her contorted body, and suddenly my mind was elsewhere. I shreiked, tears flowing down my cheeks, and backed away with my hand over my mouth.
"Bleed'gion!" I screamed blood curdlingly.
In my mind's eye, the asari's body was replaced by Bleed'gion, bruised, battered, and bleeding. The horror of the situation caught up to me and I realized what really mattered. My child. How could I have forsaken you, my love? I thought, pleading that somewhere in geth space, Bleed'gion could hear me, and forgive me for the terrible deeds I'd committed.
I blinked, and the asari was on the ground again, and I was devastated. Just as a blinding flash of blue light flickered across my vision, the world turned black like my soul, my legs gave out, I toppled to the ground, and I fainted.
I woke up in the med bay. There were people everywhere, but all too soon I realized that they weren't there to see me. I shot out of my cot and was blinded by the amount of people in the tiny room. They were all gathered around one bed.
"What's going on, preps?" I yelled sexily.
"Your child is being born!" Chakwas told me drunkenly.
I watched. There was lots of contractions and blood and other pragnency stuff. Then, I heard the cry of a child as a small bundle was placed in Bleed'gion's matronly arms.
"Isn't she adorable, Tali-sama?" he asked, blushing kawaiily. "She has your eyes."
A path formed between the columns of staring crewmates, and I staggered confusedly yet sexily to the bedside.
The creature in his arms... She wasn't a quarian... Or a geth... She was an asar!
I punched Samara