Thanks to anyone who is reading this and especially those who are taking the time to review!

Now

Pacey sat next to her bed. He hated hospitals. Almost as much as she did. He reached out and took her hand. He slowly traced the lines on her wrist.

"I um… got your diary. I couldn't read it yet… God Joey, I hate this shit. Talking, having no clue if you can hear me. Knowing that it's not my voice you want to hear. It's his. Knowing that you were content to let the last words we said to each other be so angry. You must have known what I said was a lie. You must have known I didn't mean it. You must have known I loved you."

He leaned his head on the bed and cried, the last words he said to her echoing in his ears.

Then

March 2000

Bedtime was becoming so predictable. Each night it began with a little kissing. The kissing was okay. It was only when Dawson's hands tried to venture under her shorts or shirt. Then the battle began. Each night it was the same. Each night increased his desperation and her despair.

Joey hesitantly crawled into bed. She'd taken several of Jen's magic pills hoping that maybe it would allow her to give him a little of what he needed. Closing her eyes tightly, she prayed that just once, he would hold her. His hands snaked up around her, as he slowly began kissing her neck. Once again her prayers had not been answered. She felt his hand sneak up the leg of her loose shirts and felt a sense of panic overtake her. "Stop," she said softly, not even sure she said the words out loud.

He slid his her underwear aside as she reached down to pull his hand from her. He held his hand solid and refused to move it.

"Dawson."

He slid his finger slowly into her.

"Dawson stop." She begged, her hand frantically pulling at him. "Stop!"

"Shhhh."

She kicked her legs furiously as she finally landed a kick on his leg.

"Joey what the hell?" he asked, removing his hand from her and putting it to his leg.

"I said stop."

"You say a lot of things. Like that you love me. What are you waiting for? God Joey, anything you want, I'll give it to you."

"I want you to just hold me. Something you're apparently incapable of. I'm going home."

"Joey, wait, please don't go. I didn't mean not to stop. I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know that. I'll see you tomorrow Dawson."

She wanted to die. She wanted to go to Pacey's. She hadn't been with him alone since that night that she told him. She wanted to go anywhere but to her house.

She crept into her house, feeling like a stranger. The house was empty, as always. Bessie had only returned once to pack up her stuff. The only thing she had to confront was her bed; her bed that she had only slept in a handful of times since Bodie.

She reached into her nightstand and pulled out her razor. She closed her eyes and she pressed down. She rocked back and forth, feeling Dawson's fingers in her, feeling Bodie's fingers in her. Feeling nothing, but the pain from the razor.

Now

The nurse entered the room and cleared her throat. He looked up at her, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

"You don't need to be sorry. Just keep talking to her. What she needs right now, more than anything, is to hear familiar voices."

"I don't think my voice is the voice I want to hear." He glanced in the direction of the room where Dawson was. And then he started crying. "God I didn't know. I didn't stop it."

Then

April 2000

"Joey?" Pacey called out as he entered the dark house. He flicked the light switch but the light didn't come on.

"Pacey?" she asked, looking confused as she walked into her hallway with a flashlight in her hands.

"You were supposed to tutor me tonight?" he asked cautiously, studying her glazed eyes.

"Shit Pace, I got a little distracted." she said looked around at the dark house. "Electricity was shut off."

"Do you… do you need money or something? Why are you here and not at Dawsons?"

She turned from him and walked into her living room and sat on the couch. He followed her hesitantly, sitting when she patted the seat next to him.

"Okay first, I can not share a bed with Dawson anymore. He's incapable of listening to me when I need him to stop, and obviously that's kinda a deal breaker for me. I've been mostly here on my own for the last couple of weeks. Look, this isn't the first time this has happened. Usually my 'uncle Billy'" Joey paused to use her hands to indicate air quotes "stops by with some cash, but he's late this month."

"Your uncle Billy isn't Billy Connolly who used to hang out with your dad is he?" Pacey asked, a horrified look on his face.

Joey nodded her head in confirmation. "Look Pacey… this is the life I've got. I didn't choose it. It's not ideal, and I need you to promise me you will never tell your dad any of this."

"Shit Jo, what have you gotten yourself into?" he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders and swallowed a sob. He pulled her close to him, holding her as she let the sobs out. She wiped her eyes and looked up at him. "Hey Pace? I didn't like your rules so much."

He sighed. "I didn't like my rules so much either."

She reached her hand out. "Can you stay tonight Pace?"

He knew no good could come from staying. He knew it was wrong, but he allowed her to lead him upstairs.

He hesitantly reached under her shirt, hyper aware of not taking things too far; of not being like every man in her life. She let out a content breath and sat up and removed her shirt.

"Jo, we'll take this as slow as you want," he breathed as she kissed him frantically.

"Do I look like I want to take this slow?" she asked in between kisses. "I want you to touch me."

He watched incredulous as she slid her pants and underwear off. "Jo, I don't know…"

He felt himself losing control of the situation as he caressed her side, slowly running his hands down to her butt. He slowly and gently moved his hand to between her legs as he kissed her, gently cupping her as he listened carefully to her breathing. He took one finger and slowly traced her, feeling her body tense as he did.

"Joey?"he asked, as she looked down at him with sad eyes.

"I want you to, I do… I just… I'm scared it will hurt."

He took a deep breath, and slowly began kissing her stomach, gradually moving his mouth lower as he kissed. He gently and carefully dipped his head between her legs, gently kissing her at first, and then allowing his tongue to explore her.

"Shit Pacey!" she exclaimed as he continued exploring. She shouted out as her orgasm overtook her, yelling his name as she clutched the bed.

He grinned as he slowly kissed his way back up to her mouth. "Jo... are you crying?" He asked as he dropped a kiss on her moist cheek. He pulled away from her, trying to see her face in the dark room.

She answered him with a loud sob.

"Joey, did I? I thought…" he faltered.

"Pacey ... it's a good cry."

"Really Potter, because I've never quite gotten this reaction before?" He said, his tone light.

"I thought, I thought I was broken. I thought I would never feel this way again. I haven't been able to, since… thank you Pacey," she said through sobs.

He pulled her tight, clinging to her as if it would save her.

"Joey," a harsh voice cut across the room, a flashlight in her face.

Joey sat up with a start, slowly registering that she was naked, and that Billy Connolly was standing in her bedroom staring at her.

"Joey, get dressed and come downstairs and talk to me. Tell your gentleman friend to wait here," he said gruffly.

Pacey jumped out of bed on high alert. "Pacey," she said loudly and then lowered her voice. "I need you to be smart here. Please just, do what he asked. Help me find my clothes and then wait here. Please?"

He nodded his head and removed his shirt passing it to her. "He just… walks into your room Jo? He saw you naked!" He said softly, fighting the impulses of anger that were pulsing through his body.

"I need pants," Joey muttered, anxiously searching her dark room for a pair.

"Here - I think this is your robe," he said tossing her something big and fluffy.

"Stay here," she said tightly as she wrapped the robe around her, double knotting the tie at the waist.

He watched as she left the room, and then crept slowly down the stairs, sitting at the bottom where he could hear perfectly.

"Joey," Billy asked as Joey slid into a kitchen chair. "Please tell me that isn't Pacey the sheriff's son up there in your bed?"

Joey shrugged her shoulders. "Yes, but I trust him. He won't say a word to his dad. It's fine."

"It seems like an unnecessary complication Joey. What happened to the dork? Why aren't you at his house?"

Joey again shrugged her shoulders. "Dawson and I are still together, I just needed a break."

Billy laughed. "And you're taking the break with his best friend? I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all."

Joey inhaled sharply. "It's not like that, not at all."

"I'm going to keep this between us Joey, I won't tell your dad. Because I know you are going to do the smart thing and go back to staying with the dork. I have no idea who else has eyes on this house, but I'm not the only one with keys."

He pulled out a thick envelope and a paper bag and placed them on the table. "This should be enough for a while. I'll send someone by to pay your electric bill first thing in the morning. There's some goodies in the bag, enjoy them."

He stood up. "Pacey?" He called, poking his head out of the kitchen and into the darkened stairwell. "I'd like to have a chat with you." He turned back to Joey. "Give me a hug and then go back upstairs, I want you back at the dork's tomorrow, understand?"

She nodded her head mutely, and hesitantly stepped forward and hugged him lightly. Billy lingered in the hug for a moment or two. "You're growing up into a beautiful woman Joey, you need to be more careful."

She stepped away from him as he released her and she took a deep breath as she turned to the stairs. "Please, be smart," she begged under her breath as she passed Pacey in the stairs.

"Come out back with me, I don't think we need any more eavesdropping, do we?"

Pacey followed him out the back steps into the backyard. "I remember you, ya know? From various bbqs over the year. In fact, Joey's mom and I had a bet about who Joey would end up with. You were my bet. I saw the way you would tease that girl incessantly. So, I could make some threats right now, about you keeping your mouth shut or else. Or I can count on the fact you love her, and that you will keep my presence to yourself."

Pacey nodded his head. "I just want what's best for her."

"What's best for her, is for you to keep your mouth shut. She needs to go back to Dawson's house where she is safe. Not everyone Joey's dad is associated with would show the same restraint when greeted with the sight I stumbled on."

"I understand," Pacey said slowly, trying his hardest to keep his hands from forming fists.

"Also, Pacey. I need to know that when she breaks your heart, and she will break your heart, you will do the right thing and keep this all quiet. The only other option for her until she's 18 is the foster system. And even after that, her dad's money for her… It comes with me. Like it or not, she needs me. She's grown up beautiful. You're a lucky man," Billy said, his eyes challenging. "See you around Pacey, but hopefully not around here."

Pacey crept into her bed. She was crying softly. He tightly wrapped his arms around her. "He's right Joey, you need to go back to Dawson's. I can't protect you here."

She didn't bother to answer him; she knew she had just lost her voice.