Yumi: Part 6

I must confess that compared to the anime, this fanfiction has a dearth of Momo hugging Yumi randomly. I tried to improve things here, but we'll need to import much more before the month is out to break even. Perhaps I could export some of the stockpile of angst I'm building up in return to maximise comparative advantage.

I've been researching an essay on economic history, okay? Don't look at me like that.

I scrutinised the cloud of people walking out of the station, trying to catch sight of Momo's short black hair. She even mailed me to say she'd caught this train. No matter how it might look at a superficial glance, she has to be here somewhere.

Warm arms wrapped themselves around my stomach from behind. "Senpai."

I jumped compulsively, my heart pounding. "Momo!"

"Oh. Was that a bit sudden?" Momo resolved herself from thin air, her weight pushing on my back from behind. "Sorry, senpai."

"Anyway, not here," I said weakly.

"No one can see me," Momo said placidly.

"They can see me." I sighed with relief as Momo detached herself, turning to face her. "In any case, you're still amazing. Even though I knew you were coming, I couldn't see you at all."

"I cheated a little this time," Momo said. "I deliberately took the long way round, and hid myself as much as I could."

"I see. Well, never mind." I smiled, trying not to look nervous. I have no reason to be nervous. "Shall we go?"

"Right." Momo followed me, staying very close.

She's in a good mood, I think. That's good. Maybe she was nervous last time since her family was involved? Well, ironically enough, this time my family might be involved, and so I'm nervous. I should get that out of the way first. "I should mention something before we get too far," I said, looking sidelong at her.

"Oh?" Momo asked, giving me a quizzical look.

She's cute in casual clothes, as well. The black shirt suits her. I blinked, finding my thread again. "My parents... as you've probably inferred, they're somewhat difficult people. And my mother's settled on the idea that I'm too close to you, so she might be problematic. It shouldn't be a major problem. I won't let her say anything inappropriate to you, and in any case she does have a strong sense of manners."

"I see." Momo smiled. "If that's all, it's no real problem, is it? She won't even notice I'm there."

"Well, there is that approach," I said slowly. "But that would be rather unfair to you, wouldn't it?"

"Not at all. I'm used to it, after all." Momo looked down at her feet, still smiling. "I don't want to trouble you. And I'm not very good with uncomfortable situations, either. So I'm happy to hide, if you'll let me."

"If that's the case, that's fine," I said, frowning thoughtfully.

"In any case, I'm a little excited," Momo said.

"That's a little worrying," I said. "My house isn't really very exciting, however I look at it."

Momo laughed. "Not that. Not exactly."

I shrugged, smiling slightly. "I hope you have fun, whatever it is you mean. Regardless, it's not too far from here. My house is close to the station."

Sure enough, we arrived in a few minutes. Momo stopped for a moment outside, looking up. "It's... well, big."

"To an extent," I said, feeling a little embarrassed. I opened the front door, stepping in and slipping off my shoes. "I'm back."

"Welcome back," my mother called from the kitchen, sounding disinterested.

Momo slipped off her shoes, kneeling and picking them up with her left hand. "I'll hide these in your room, okay?"

"Ah, I see." I caught myself before I said anything else, walking down the spacious corridor and up the stairs. Momo followed in my footsteps, her footfalls almost imperceptible. I opened the door to my room, stepping inside.

Momo stepped through, looking around silently. Her expression was still bright.

I closed the door behind us, leaning against it. "This makes me a little uncomfortable," I admitted quietly.

"It's not as if your mother would be happy if she knew I was here," Momo said, kneeling and slipping her shoes under my bed. "This is more peaceful."

"Well, that's certainly true," I said, heading for my favourite chair. "We should be okay from here. I'll talk quietly, even so."

Momo nodded, perching on my bed. "That's best. It's okay, though. I am very hard to notice."

"That's certainly true," I said. "And you're very good at taking care of the rest, it would seem. I didn't think of the shoes, myself."

"I'm used to thinking about this sort of thing," Momo said. "It's not as if my lack of presence is just natural, you know."

"I see. I suppose that's true, after all." I swivelled to face her, frowning thoughtfully. "Can I ask something, Momo?"

Momo nodded. "Of course. Do you want to know what kind of food I like?"

I smiled at that. "No, not right now, though I'm interested. I just wondered, and stop me if I'm being intrusive... but are you happy with your current self?"

"Hmm. That's another hard question." Momo put both hands on the covers of my bed, closing her eyes. "I suppose I'm quite comfortable with my current self. But maybe that's not the same as being happy."

I nodded. "If I was evasive, that'd be pretty unfair. So I'll be straight-forwards. I've always felt I should help you come out of your shell, so to speak. But it's also patronising for me to think that way, and in any case, I'm not a very social person myself. I suppose I've just been wondering how you feel at this point, now I'm going away."

"I thought it would be something like that." Momo looked at me, her hands gripping the covers slightly. "I feel like I've gained a lot. Compared to how I used to be, I'm living a more social life. I do have friends. But it's not really as if I've changed myself. It's a little hard to change after all this time."

"That's true," I said. "Though you're often fine. You don't get shy with me, do you? And the rest of the club, as well."

"Because you're friends. I feel safe with you four. Senpai especially." Momo shrugged. "I don't feel that way with other people. I'm not really interested in them, either. That's what hasn't changed."

"I suppose that makes sense," I said. I paused for a moment, trying to work out what to say next. I suppose I should just be natural. "Honestly, I'm somewhat similar. Socialising isn't something that comes easily to me, either. A lot of the time, I'm using an aloof façade to cover up that fact. Perhaps that's like your stealth mode. A defensive mechanism."

"Really?" Momo said. "It doesn't seem that way to me."

"Then it's a good defensive mechanism."

"Hmm. I see." Momo leaned forwards, slightly. "So, are you happy with your current self, senpai?"

I laughed, feeling slightly embaressed. I hadn't expected that. "That's fair, I suppose. I don't know either."

"So even you get like that," Momo said thoughtfully.

"Well, I'm not very social after, all. I used to be confident, but as I've grown I've became increasingly aware of my own deficiencies. And also the kind of adversity you can encounter." I closed my eyes, folding my arms. "If you leave yourself open, that can hurt a lot. Unbearably so. It's only naïve to assume everyone is benevolent or honest, and that they all regard you well. But it's also problematic if you can't communicate as well as you'd like, and I'm probably losing something by seeking safety. Even so, like you, I'm happy with the friends I have now."

"That's fine, isn't it?" Momo said. "I've always thought that's the most important thing."

It feels like this conversation's gone in the complete opposite direction from what I was aiming for. I didn't want to talk about myself. I opened my eyes, shrugging my shoulders slightly. "Since I'm going to university, though, it could be a bit of a problem. I'll manage, though. Despite all that, I'm still more worried about you."

Momo looked down, her facial expression concealed by her hair. "Thank you. That thought is enough in itself. But honestly, I am worried. You are going away, after all. And you were the one who found me. So I'm a little scared. I don't want to go back to how I felt back then. Even if I'm not very social, it's not as if I want to be alone."

"You won't be alone," I said, trying to sound reassuring. "You'll have Kaori and Tsuyama with you. People will join the club as well. And we won't lose contact, either. We can easily keep in touch."

"I know. I know all that. Even so, I'm still afraid. I wonder why that is." Momo breathed out, her cheeks flushed. "You're going to be very far away, senpai."

I swallowed, my chest aching slightly. I don't know whether that's for her sad face, or for my painful memories. "I know what that feels like. And I am afraid. But people can't move forwards if they keep thinking like that. At the least, you have to be more positive about it."

"You're right, of course." Momo smiled weakly. "I don't want to hold you back, either. I'll be fine, I guess."

I turned my chair sideways, placing my left hand on the box where I kept my mahjong set. "Not at all. I should be able to say something more positive, but I can't. Distance is a powerful force."

"That's true," Momo said quietly. "But I won't forget you, even so."

"I don't like saying that. It's too much like something ending," I said. I didn't say anything for several seconds. "Momo, did I ever tell you when I started playing mahjong?"

"I don't think so," Momo said after a moment. I suppose she was surprised by the change of topic.

"Three years ago, more or less. Pretty much exactly as I came into high school." I closed my eyes. "That feels like very long ago."

"Really? I'd assumed you'd been playing for years," Momo said.

"I hadn't touched the game before that point. I was very young and very bored, and I didn't come into Tsuruga having any strong desire to join a club. And I was somewhat dragged into the mahjong club despite those half-hearted feelings. The third-year was very forceful, and I complained to anyone who would listen about it." I smiled wanly. "I was a little happy, though. That person's enthusiasm was a little infectious, and I suppose I felt wanted. Senpai had a knack for making people feel they were wanted."

"I'm... a little surprised," Momo said. "I thought you'd be just like you are now."

"I wasn't very wise at that point in time," I said. To be frank, I wasn't sure why I was raising this old story now. I wasn't really sure what point I was trying to make, either. I suppose I just wanted to say something I hadn't been able to say before. Maybe that was all. "You could say I liked that person, in time. And senpai..." I broke off. My fingers tapped the dark brown wood box. "In any case, everything ended for us when senpai graduated. I thought that wasn't the case. I thought we'd be able to maintain that bond, but I was mistaken, and in the end I only got hurt. It wasn't a matter of someone being in the wrong. It was just how things were. That's all. I learned a lot from the experience."

"That's rather sad," Momo said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's ancient history, really," I said, forcing another smile. "I don't know why I'm raising it at all." I swivelled on my chair, glancing at her. "But you and I are different from that. We're close friends who should be able to stay in touch over that distance. That way, no one will get hurt. So that's something I'm glad about."

Momo nodded slowly. "You're right."

I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly. That's right. That's how it should be. I've always clung to safety since then and this is no different, but at the least, I won't hurt her. I won't make her cry. Even I can manage that much, which is more than senpai ever tried to do.

"What kind of person was your senpai?" Momo asked curiously.

I opened my eyes, frowning thoughtfully. "Senpai... I suppose they weren't anything like me. They were social and gentle, but extremely perceptive. They could see through anything and anyone just with a single glance. I couldn't hide anything from senpai. And senpai wasn't very humble, either, which was something I discovered for myself. And unlike me, senpai didn't take anything seriously, except maybe herself." I stopped, swallowing uncomfortably. "Honestly, I shouldn't do this. Talking about the past. I didn't bring you here for this." I blinked rapidly. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," Momo said. "I shouldn't have pried."

"Not at all. I raised this to begin with." I rubbed my forehead briefly, frowning. Great. I've killed the cheerful mood we had earlier. Just what was I trying to achieve? I always end up feeling terrible even thinking about this, and I doubt if she's enjoying it either.

"In any case, this is a nice room," Momo said quietly. "It looks very comfortable."

"It is nice," I said. "I'm glad I have the club, since if I didn't I'd probably never leave." I blinked slowly, pulling myself together. "In any case, Kanbara's lent me lots of different things. She has a surprisingly large collection of DVDs. We can probably find something interesting there."

Momo nodded slowly, just watching me.

I left my chair and knelt, grabbing the bag Kanbara had dropped off and picking it up awkwardly. Then I walked across the room and sat on the bed next to Momo, trying to think of something else to say. "Do you have any preferences?"

Momo was silent for a few more seconds. Then she leaned forwards, wrapping her hands around the back of my neck. "It's unfair. It must have hurt. It must hurt, partings."

I blushed. She's warm. "I'm fine. It was a long time ago." I placed my hand on her left arm, planning to gently pull her away. But in the end, I didn't. "It's really not a big deal. I don't need coddling."

"Mm." Momo paused. "Maybe I do, though."

I didn't say anything in reply to that. I just stayed like that for a while, holding her arm as she held me. Once again, trying to cover myself, all I end up doing is obliging her to open herself and then using that opening to hide my own feelings. My own weaknesses. This fear.

It's hard to have self-confidence when I'm always like that.