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Disclaimer: I do not own "North and South"

Chapter 6: F ing Mental

I went downstairs, hoping to find John, but instead I just saw Julia having breakfast all alone on the island in the kitchen.

"Good morning," she said cheerfully as I walked into the kitchen.

"Hey," I muttered, I didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment, I am not much of a morning person.

I got myself a cup of coffee, and sat down at the table with Julia.

"Where's John?" she asked innocently.

"Um…" I said before pretending to burn myself on the coffee because I had been asking myself the same question. I wondered where he could have gone, I mean he didn't know the LA area. He said he had visited before, but it was a short trip and they had gone with a tour company.

Julia was just about to ask the question again when we heard someone knocking on the door. I looked at Julia before I got up to answer the door, Julia following me out into the small foyer.

I opened the door, expecting to find John, but I only found Henry and a suitcase on the front porch.

"Henry, what are you doing here?" Julia asked, I was glad that I wasn't the one to ask the question. I just examined Henry, who looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep last night from the look of the bags underneath his eyes. I thought he looked horrible, it was a transformation from the teenage Henry I had dated.

"I need a place to stay until Jane cools over," Henry said to Julia, but his eyes were looking at me or behind me, as if asking where John was.

"Well I guess Ryan wouldn't mind his best man staying in the house," Julia shrugged and Henry just grabbed his suitcase and brushed past me.

I didn't care to see where he would be staying, so I just followed Julia back into the kitchen.

"Hey, what happened yesterday after I left?" I whispered, afraid that Henry might hear.

"Well, once you stormed out, don't worry girl, I completely understand, Henry and John both got up to follow you. Or well, John had the sense to grab your things because he said you both probably wouldn't be back until very late. We were all shocked with Henry so we didn't really pay attention to what he said.

"While John was grabbing your stuff, Jane burst out into tears and wondered if it was something she said that made everyone go away. I was like 'No, duh Sherlock,' not to her face or anything, but you get the point."

Julia stopped to get a breath, and I was just nodding like some bobble-head.

"So then Henry comes back and I was totally out of there. Ryan and Edith came out quickly after me and we drove home and I don't know what happened with Henry and Jane."

"Oh," I said lamely, somehow I felt that this was entirely my fault. And it probably was. I needed to clear my head; "Well I think I'm going to go meet John now." I lied about that, I had no idea where John was, all I knew was that I needed to find him. How were we going to play boyfriend/girlfriend when he wasn't even there?

I ran the stairs up to the room where we were staying so I could get my phone and call John. But when I got inside I found none other than Henry, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked angrily. All I wanted was to know where John was, and I get Henry, great.

"Please Margaret, we need to talk," he said, getting up from his place on the bed, which was still unmade and I could see John's shirt crumpled there.

"About what?" I asked, but I knew that we needed to talk, and somehow having him there so willing to talk about it made me pretty damn curious.

"About us," he shrugged.

"Us?" I asked, there was an us?

"Well, how we left things, I don't like how it ended."

He's the one who breaks up with me and he still has the nerve to tell me he doesn't like how it ended? "Or really? Last I recall, you're the one who broke up with me."

"What I meant was that I didn't like that we didn't speak to each other again, I missed you," he said, he was pacing back and forth now. But I just stood there, my arms crossed and giving him my best evil-eye.

Hold on a sec, did he say that he missed me? After all those months of missing him and crying my eyes out, he says he missed me? "Then why didn't you call?" Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

"I wanted to Margaret, you don't know how many times I picked up the phone and dialed your number, but I never had the courage to actually press the 'call' button."

And I remember doing the exact same thing. "What were you afraid of?" Coward.

"I was afraid that you wouldn't want to talk to me."

"And why wouldn't I want to talk?" Because I would rip your head off for breaking my heart.

"I don't know, I guess I just thought that you would be bitter." Damn straight I would be.

"I had, and have, every fucking right to be," I snapped at him.

"See that's why I waited for you to make the next move, I wanted you to be okay with being just friends."

"But I didn't want to be just friends Henry, don't you understand?" I said exasperated, this conversation was going nowhere.

"And you think that I did?" he asked, throwing his hands in the air.

"Well then why did you have to go and ruin us Henry? We were fine just the way we were," I said, tears beginning to form in my eyes, but I didn't want to cry, I wanted to hear Henry out. Make him relive all the pain that I had to go through. I wanted to watch him suffer, just like he had made me suffer.

"I know, that's why I had to let you go," he muttered, he wasn't looking at me.

"How is that a reason to break up a perfectly fine relationship?"

"Damn it Margaret; I was afraid!" he said, running his hand through his hair.

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of the way I felt about you. I was afraid that I liked you too much, I was afraid of hurting you. I was afraid of disappointing you, that you would make me up to be someone that I wasn't."

"But I had loved you just the way you were!" I said, biting back the tears.

"Loved?"

"Yes."

"Do you still love me?" he asked, getting closer to me, and suddenly I was afraid.

"I don't know anymore Henry." My feelings were such a tangle, that I had yet to begin unraveling them.

"I love you Margaret, I never stopped loving you," he said, his eyes searching mine, but I looked away, because I knew that he wouldn't be able to find anything there.

"How is it that you can say that you never stopped loving me, yet you went ahead and decided to start a brand new relationship with some girl you didn't even know longer than we had dated, and now you're marrying her? And having a family with her?" What kind of man did that?

"Because I didn't think that I would ever get a chance to win you back. I knew that you were too pretty for your own good; that you would eventually get over me and find someone of your own. Because I knew that if I held on to you forever I would die all alone. I just wanted someone to be there, Jane just happened to be the most convenient candidate."

"You're using the poor girl!" I wanted to slap him. Sure I didn't like Jane and all, but deep down I knew that she was just an innocent player in this "lovely" game called Life, and that she shouldn't have to suffer because two other people just couldn't seem to go through the game without screwing things up.

"I love Jane, and I would never use her," he said, running another hand through his hair, his voice softer now.

"But you can come in here and tell me that you never stopped loving me?" this was so confusing!

"Yes Margaret, I can. And if you found that you still loved me, and if you asked me to leave Jane, I would. I would do anything for you," he said, his hand touching my cheek. I felt chills down my spine, and they weren't like the chills I felt when John touched me, these were more like goose bumps.

"You're crazy Henry, do you know that? Fucking mental!" I said before slapping his hand away.

"I'm not crazy Margaret! I'm in love, don't you get it?" he said, he looked insane.

"No Henry, I don't. I don't see how it is that you can do this. I thought I loved you, but I realize where I, where we both, are wrong."

"What do you mean? How can we be wrong?"

"We've changed Henry. I'm not the person I was three years ago, and neither are you. I came here, thinking that I was still in love with you. But now I'm not so sure if the Henry I loved would have been willing to leave someone who is carrying their child without so much as a backward glance."

"Margaret—"

"And see, I've changed too. Three years ago I would have told you to leave Jane without caring about her feelings either, but I've grown up. I know that I can't get everything I want in the world, and I think I'm fine with it. You have to give a little to get a little."

"So this is it? You don't have any more feelings for me?"

"This conversation has made it crystal clear to me Henry," I said, and somehow I felt lighter, as if I had been freed of some invisible weights that had been holding me down all these years.

"Well don't think that I'm gonna give up so easily Margaret," he sneered, his attitude changing completely, and he grabbed my arm. Before I knew it, his lips were pressed against mine, and I could taste the alcohol on his lips. But I couldn't move as much as I tried to push myself away, his hold on me was that tight.

And just as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. Henry was looking at the doorway, and I turned just in time to see John turn on his heel and walk out of the room.

How much had he heard, and what had he seen?

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