Chapter Six
Judgement.
It was there, in his master's eyes once more and, as he sat at the dining table with those he had yearned for, Merlin felt unworthy.
The high was fading, quicker than it had in a long, long time and he found himself being force to face the emotions he'd tried to repress since that night at Camalann so long ago.
He shivered, a shuddering gasp escaping his lips and tears filling his eyes, drawing everyone's attention to him.
"Merlin?" Gwaine called worriedly, seeing the turmoil in the younger (older?) man's eyes and Merlin shook his heart rapidly, standing.
"Excuse me." He choked out, rushing from the room, paying no heed to the frantic calls behind him.
Once in the safety of his bedroom, with a locked door between him and them, he collapsed to the floor and shattered.
Deep, gut-wrenching sobs left his lips wreaking havoc on his lithely muscled frame and every breath felt as if it were stuck in his throat, choking every inch of life from him.
So long had passed since he'd allowed himself to fall apart like this and now that he had, he found himself hating it.
A gentle hand landed on his shoulder and he jolted, looking up with broken blue eyes to meet wise, weathered grey.
Gaius.
He swallowed, trembling as his mentor pulled him into a warm embrace.
"Let it out, Merlin. Just let it out." The older man crooned and he whimpered, a low wounded sound escaping him before he just let go.
After a while he started to calm, pulling away to glance at the clock. Catching a glimpse of the time he cursed and jerked away from his pseudo father.
"Merlin?"
"I'm late! Fucking shit, Max is gonna flay me!" The raven cried and Gaius watched, bemused as the boy rushed around the room, grabbing a pair of black pants and a crimson shirt from a large cupboard-looking room.
In a flurry of movement, the warlock began to change his clothes, pausing when a sharp gasp reached his keen ears.
He turned to find Gaius staring at him wide-eyed.
"Gaius?"
The old man shook his head, his grey eyes wide. "Where did you get them?"
Merlin blinked and glanced down at his bare torso, cursing when he saw what had shocked his mentor so much. His entire torso, front and back, was scarred. Thick, rope like scars marred every inch of his pale shin, visible even under the inky black of his numerous tattoos. Looking back at the other he sighed and slid on his shirt hiding them from his view.
"The world didn't just stop when you were gone… and neither did I." He replied softly.
"I found out just how cruel humans could be…"
Grabbing his guitar case from beside his bed he turned and left the room, heart breaking when he heard Gaius sob softly behind him.
When he appeared in the dining room, he found the rest of his family still there, each with varying degrees of worry on their faces and the breakfast dishes gone. Arthur frowned when he saw him.
"You're leaving again." It wasn't a question.
"I have to work." I have to get out of this house. I have to get away.
The former king frowned at him, blue eyes shrewd and calculative. Then the man smirked.
"Good, well we're ready when you are, Merlin."
He blinked. "I'm sorry?"
Arthur's smirk widened. "Did age worsen your hearing? We're"- He gestured to everyone else- "going with you."
He stared, then cursed.
"Fine. I but you aren't leaving the house with me dressed like that." He snarled, storming back into his room. He grabbed the bags of clothing he had bought for his guests the night before and stormed back into the dining room, dropping it on the kitchen table.
"There are clothes for all of you. Get dressed."
They couldn't help but wonder why he didn't look too happy that they were tagging along.
Fifteen minutes and lots of struggling later, Merlin found himself walking to work, watching from the corner of his eye as his friends gazed around in wonder. His heart sank in his chest.
They should've been around to watch it all come to be with him…instead he had been forced to watch it all alone.
A yelp drew him from his thoughts and he turned, snickering as he saw Gwaine staring wide-eyed after a car that had just driven past. The former knight glared at him but he shrugged.
"What the hell was that thing?!"
"That was a car. It is a form of transportation." He explained, smiling when he saw the group nod and sneak furtive glances at each car that passed them.
Up ahead, he noticed the sign bearing the name of their destination and his smile turned to a grimace when he noted the man standing outside the door bearing a heavy scowl.
The man in question stood nearly a foot shorter than him at a small 5'0 and had long fluorescent green hair pulled back into a high ponytail. His eyes were a steely grey color and they blazed when he met Merlin's cornflower blue gaze.
"You're late." He growled, his voice a deep rough baritone that belayed his small stature.
Merlin sighed, running his hand through his hair roughly. "Fuck off, Max."
Max glared at him, then sighed, his grey eyes softening. "I was worried 'bout ya, Merls. You didn't seem right when ya left this morning."
The warlock snorted, while Arthur and the others looked between the two worriedly. "I'm fine, brat."
Max opened his mouth to speak once more, then shook his head and looked at the revived Camelotians.
"Hey, sorry 'bout that. I'm Maximillian Sanderson. You can call me Max."
The Camelotians glanced at each other, then at Merlin who rolled his eyes.
"Arthur and his wife Gwen. Gwaine, Percival, Lancelot, Elyan, Gaius, Morgana, Leon." He introduced and Max blinked.
"You're joking, right?"
Merlin shook his head and the man sighed. "Let's just get inside. You're performing tonight."
Merlin grinned and disappeared into the building while Max led the others inside, where they were immediately assaulted by the sound of loud music and the smell of sweat and alcohol.
The walls were a dark cherry red covered in posters and photos, the floor black marble that gleamed in the flashing multicolored lights. Bodies moved close together in the center of the room while tables lined two walls and a long bar lined the other. In the very front of the room was a stage where a group of four sat waiting for someone, each in front of instruments Arthur either didn't recognize or vaguely recognized.
Max smiled, his eyes softening. "Welcome to Crimson Peak." He greeted, leading them to a table.
"First drinks' on the house. Enjoy your stay." This said he turned and disappeared into the crowd. Sharing a bewildered look, they turned to the stage, watching as Merlin walked onto the stage.
Their warlock walked straight up to the strange apparatus on the stage, pulled it close to his mouth and smirked.
"Shut the music off."
The music silenced immediately and yet, the crowd cheered.
Moments later, Merlin began to strum the instrument he was holding, blue eyes cold as they scanned the crowd. When they met Arthur's he began to sing.
I'm one step from a breakdown, two steps from being safe
Just try to see this through
I'm three steps from this nightmare and four steps from the door
The rest is up to you
"I-I think he's talking to you, Arthur." Gwaine whispered but the King didn't respond, watching his best friend with sad, sad eyes.
Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away
Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say
Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe
Pardon me
He hadn't said anything, not yet. But those lines were telling. Merlin could read him just as well as he had been able to years ago. He'd seen how Arthur felt about what he had done to himself…and he hated it.
I'm one step from forgiveness and two steps from my grave
We're all just passing through
Three steps from redemption, four from the devil's door
On a path that leads to you
Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away
Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say
Pardon me if I can't fake this while you still believe
Pardon me
Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away
Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say
Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe
Pardon me
Merlin was hurting…and it was all Arthur's fault.
I'm two steps from salvation but I'm only taking one
Pardon me…
Arthur swallowed thickly. The entire time those blue eyes had never left his. Merlin was giving him a message…and Arthur knew exactly what it was.
All the same, he couldn't bring himself to look away when Merlin's eyes softened and he began another song.
This dark room, another cigarette
The carpet strewn, I'm getting sick of it
The end is near, I'm in the thick of it
And I'll be there soon if you can handle it
Just save me from all that I am
You save me for the fuck of it
Save me, just hold out your hand
You save me from all of it
Gwen glanced at her husband for a moment then sighed. He was so oblivious. Even she could see the feelings Merlin held for him, had held for him for so long, but he continued to hurt her friend over and over, unaware that he was doing it.
I try and speak myself, you can do it too
And need no one's help, I'm needing only you
So just pray for me and deliver it
You never take from me what I'm given
Just save me from all that I am
You save me for the fuck of it
Save me, just hold out your hand
You save me from all of it
Merlin loved Arthur with every fiber of his being and he honestly believed that if anyone could save him from the maddening spiral of darkness he was heading down…it would be his king. After all, Arthur was one of the reasons he had survived everything he was put through in the centuries since Camelot had crumbled. He had to hope Arthur could save him because without that hope…he'd be lost.
And all that I have become is you
The only good in me is you
And after all of this
The day will come to find out
Will you take me, oh, forsake me
Gaius smiled sadly at his charge able to see how the years had jaded his nephew. To see that the boy was unsure where he stood with not only his master, but his family as a whole.
So pray for me, am I forgiven?
For what you take from me
Arthur's breath caught and he fought not to reach out to the broken man on stage. Of course Merlin was forgiven, everyone needed a way to cope and after being alone for so long he could barely blame the other for turning to drugs just to get away. Time had taken everyone the warlock loved from him.
Just save me from all that I am
You save me for the fuck of it
Save me, just hold out your hand
You save me from all of it
Come, save me
He would save his friend from the darkness encompassing him. After all, Merlin had saved his life more times than he could think of, more than he knew of, and he couldn't help but wish to return the favor. He wanted his friend to be happy again. No more fake smiles and brittle laughs. No more drugs.
Pray for me, am I forgiven?
TBC…
A/N: So I'm back, yay! I've decided to focus on finishing my current WIPs and work on rewriting my lost stories in between. Also I found my back up drive which unfortunately only contains my Posted stories because I was waiting until posted the others to transfer them over. Anyways enough of my little angst fest, the songs in this chapter are 'Pardon Me' and 'Save Me' by Staind. Hope you enjoyed.