A/N Sorry guys, I did check it before I posted and it definitely didn't look like that! Some kind of weird glitch I guess. Anyways, here it is and hope you like it. Sorry you had to wait a little.

Chapter 6: I Would Love for You to Understand

Companion Song: I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie

How I wish you could see the potential

The potential of you and me

It's like a book elegantly bound but

In a language that you can't read

Just yet

You gotta spend some time, Love

You gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find, Love

I will possess your heart

You reject my…advances…and desperate pleas…

I won't let you…let me down…so easily

So easily

(Lyrics are copyright of Death Cab for Cutie)

(Characters are copyright of Stephenie Meyer)

No permission is implied from their use and belongs to the respective copyright owners.

Bella had walked into the woods, not keeping any particular pace. Her feet were moving, but what was going on in her mind occupied up too much space to afford any room to pay attention to where she was going.

I love him. But I don't. I love him but it isn't enough.

She stopped, glancing around. Darkness. Nothing but darkness, except for the moon. She looked up at it, wondering where Jake was. If only she knew…he was closer than she would have expected.

Bella didn't particularly feel like laying down in the wet grass. She found a bunch of big rocks that were flat on certain sides and came to sit on them instead. She pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned her head down.

I don't know what to say. I need to let go. I basically already have. I should have done this awhile ago.

She stayed motionless like that for hours. She was thinking about how there was a time where she couldn't say no to Edward. He was everything she wanted, all the time. Her vampire drug. Addiction takes away the ability to look at yourself and see how what you crave takes precedence over every single aspect of your life. You can never get enough distance from it to see how it's ruining everything around you.

One thing that was so frustrating was the way everything just happened in the end. Her fate came crashing down as if she had jumped from a plane with no parachute. It was as if she had been standing on the edge, thinking she was ready to jump. She was sure she wanted to jump, she had made plans for it. But then she realized she wasn't so sure. Jake was offering another option, a hand to come back away from the ledge. And as she put her hand out thinking about what it would feel like, thinking about the safety he would bring - she was sucked away and plummeting to the earth below at a high rate of speed.

And so it happened that way with Renesmee. She and Edward had gotten married, went on a trip, and a short time later she no longer had the ability to make that decision for herself anymore. What had started happening inside of her had taken away every other option she had. She was going to die before she ever really had a chance to live.

Ugh. Getting married. She cringed remembering that. Things always had to be done Edward's way. He insisted upon that, despite her refusal and reluctance to the idea. Why did it matter so much? He had always said it was about what she wanted, what made her happy. He would do anything for her. And yet, it was never that way. Not at all. Anytime she made decisions he didn't agree with, he refused to let it happen.

She thought about that night her truck sputtered and wouldn't start. Edward had appeared in the front seat out of nowhere, openly admitting he had taken away her ability to drive and see Jake on the rez. He didn't think it was a good idea, so it wouldn't happen. End of story. Edward always said he trusted Bella, it was everyone else he didn't trust. He always seemed to be very cool and collected, like nothing got to him. Perhaps it was the control he knew he had. But perhaps he was also just faking it really well. The kind of false exterior you can perfect after decades of practice. Perhaps…perhaps that night he really wasn't so sure after all that Bella would come back from that trip still belonging to him.

You know, I really wish I could rip my own damn head off. I'm so stupid. I should book a trip back to Italy for my own death warrant this time.

Unbeknownst to Bella, that thought had already started triggering a response. Of course, Alice would see it as soon as she thought it and figure that's what Bella was planning on doing. She immediately had told Edward what she had seen happen to Bella's future. He had already started to look for her.

Even he was questioning how right we were for each other on some level.

That brought back more bitter memories. He had called her house and then stalked off halfway across the world supposedly on a mission to kill himself. She had worried her dad half to death and hurt him, yet again, for Edward's sake. She had dropped everything to go running to save him when he didn't even have the sense to check on her himself after all that time. He didn't even bother to see for himself whether she was actually dead before doing that.

It was all about him, as usual. He didn't even care enough to think about what it would do to his family, either. Why should it have surprised her, after he left her unprotected and feeling unwanted? Laurent was right. There she was, all by herself. She couldn't have really meant all that much to him if she found herself in that position. Knowing that Victoria was hell-bent on retribution…But no, Edward had to leave to protect her. Protect her? He was protecting her by dominating her life and then disappearing once she was addicted enough? And this was supposed to make her life better?

He had to leave to see what her life would have been like without him in it. And then, knowing what he did to her by leaving - he couldn't even stay out of it long enough to stand to see that someone else had started putting all her broken pieces back together. Instead he just did his damage, made a cruel escape, and then came back before anyone else had the chance to really fill in that void in her life.

After she was hurting so much, she knew Jake had started to make her feel better. But she didn't know how much she loved him right then. He knew it, but she never had enough space from Edward before the high wore off to realize that's what it was. That warm feeling, that peace and calm that had started to quiet those screaming nightmares. That was Jake. Cocky and fiercely protective. Dark hair and a sexy smile and big arms that made her feel wanted. Big arms that always meant a warm embrace, even if he was angry at her and telling her to stop being foolish long enough to see the other possibilities that existed for her.

And when she was dying, right in that moment before her heart stopped…the one thing she wanted the most was that warmth. Not the cold marble arms that started to pump searing pain all through her body. Not the hell that was consuming her entire being. Before things started to fade away, she saw his face. His beautiful face. She wanted one last chance, just to feel him. Just to feel that he was there, that he was real. More than anything, she just wanted to hold his hand and to squeeze it like it belonged to her before she had to die and give everything away.

She had seen his face and it was beautiful. It was beautiful because it belonged to the friend that she loved so much, whether she was ever ready to admit that fact or not. But it was tortured and shocked and so absolutely lost. He couldn't process what was happening. He looked so sick and scared that he didn't look like himself anymore. He wasn't Jake, he was a helpless man at a total and utter loss of what to do. He turned around and ran away. Ran faster than he knew how to run away from the horror that had become his life. And the last image he was left with was of her bloody and bruised body, totally still and looking nothing like the way it should.

It was a murder scene. And it was her fault. She had let it get that far. Renesmee had set off the fatal chain of events but Bella had set herself up for it. She would never forgive herself for it, ever.

All of this ugliness, it made her wish Seth was beside her. She wanted the comfort of a friend she had come to rely on. Someone that liked her despite what a terrible person she felt like. Bella sighed. She fought the inclination to go back to her apartment. Meanwhile, Seth had woken up back at the apartment in Forks. He saw the breakfast things Bella had left out for him. He cursed to himself, knowing she was up to no good. She obviously didn't plan on coming back any time soon, that's why she had done that. He was worried and he knew she wouldn't have left without telling him unless she was hiding something from him. Seth didn't like the feeling he was getting about what was going on.

Bella lifted her head from her knees and realized that the sun was starting to dawn.

The light coming up bounced off of her, making her skin sparkle. She looked down at her wrist, seeing the jagged piece that was the only remnant of the crystal that used to hang there.

No, it's time to do this. Bella was searching for the nerve she hoped was in her somewhere.

She stood up and took a step forward into the full sun. A million bits of glittering reflection were all around her. She didn't notice that Jake was hiding in the distance. Jake had been smart enough to know after what happened, after all of this time, the first time he was going to see Bella should not be at the wedding. This was likely not going to be a quiet or well contained reaction and he didn't want to ruin anything for Sam and Emily on their big day. He had to find her himself before that. But he wasn't ready to approach her just yet. He had to see her first, to see if he could even get used to the idea of what she was now. No, he didn't want to run out on her again this time if he couldn't handle it. And so, he saw her for the first time from a distance as he watched her get up from his place in the trees. He looked her over, thinking. Even from far away he could see that she was strikingly gorgeous now.

Like a diamond. Beautiful, glittering. Something to be admired from a distance but still a stone, like HIM. A stone that can't hold love. He put his arm against the tree to steady himself and then hid his face in his sweatshirt. He was sad, no doubt about that. But he also knew he wasn't being honest with himself.

Damnit. She does. She has my love just as she always has despite what she is. The thought of him saying 'Maybe even then' echoed in his head. He was angry, knowing he wasn't supposed to feel like this. He wasn't supposed to love a vampire. A vampire that had chosen another vampire – or so he thought. He still loved her so much. But he was feeling sick over actually seeing her this way. Jake sensed someone approaching. He always could tell when it was going to be Cullen. He was very careful to make sure his mind went blank and quiet so that he wouldn't be noticed.

Edward stepped into the clearing, seeing Bella. He ran over to her, put his arms around her. Jake couldn't hear anything, but he noticed Bella didn't return the embrace. As a matter of fact, she stepped backwards away from him purposefully. It looked as though they were talking.

"Edward, I've been thinking for a long time. I've been trying for a long time to come up with the words, to say it." Bella stopped. "After all this time, I'm really not sure where to begin…"

"Bella, love. You know you can say anything to me." His amber eyes were serious, brooding. "I've been waiting so long just to hear your voice." he admitted, sounding vulnerable – something he almost never let himself be in front of anyone else, even her.

"I know…" she sighed. "I'm sorry it's taken this long. There are just so many things I've been feeling." He took a step towards her again, reaching out. Again, she stepped back away from him. He put his hand down.

"Bella, we're supposed to be together. Forever. You're my wife. This isn't what it's supposed to be like." she could tell he was frustrated. "You know I would do anything for you."

"I know that's what you say Edward, but it isn't true. It's never been true." she frowned at him. "Edward I love you." He was staring back at her, his eyes very intense.

"I love you, but it isn't enough. It never has been. I will always be grateful that you saved my life."

"Bella – " he began but she cut him off.

"But…you saved my life for you and it wasn't your decision to make. I chose you." She admitted. "I chose you…and then you LEFT me. You crushed me and even though time has gone on, that feeling has never left me. That fear has never left me."

"You know I would never do that again." he said, tortured. He knew what she was trying to say. Edward wanted to say anything that would change her mind.

"The only thing we continued to share is gone." Bella sounded a little choked up. Edward covered his face with his hands. Even though Renesmee seemed like someone else's dream, she still had been theirs for a brief time. They had shared her and then they had lost her. That would still always hurt on some level for both of them. There was silence for what seemed like a long time. Bella found the strength to speak again.

"I want the space to be. The space to LIVE. And really live. I can't do that with you. I WANT TO FUCKING LIVE!" she screamed, the anger easily coming back to her. There was that sick feeling again. She exhaled slowly.

"We can live, we can –" Edward started, but again, Bella cut him off.

"No. You don't understand. You don't get it. You've always wanted to know what I'm thinking…I would LOVE for you to understand what I'm thinking right now." she said exasperated. Bella thought hard about her vampire ability, and threw her shield off so Edward could really get all the memories just as she had experienced them. The emotional pain of it was registering on his face.

And within a few seconds of her doing that, her eyes rolled back and she fell to the ground unconscious. Jake was already running towards them by the time she started falling.

"What did you do? What did you fucking do to her?!" he was yelling at Edward as he kept running and was fully phased into wolf by the time he reached them. Edward was leaning over her, looking bewildered.

"I didn't do anything. I don't know – " was all he got out before Jake growled menacingly, drowning his voice out. And out of nowhere, there was Seth, running into the clearing and fully phased before he reached all three of them. Jake snapped his jaws at Edward who ducked and put his hands up to block him. Bella had started to writhe and convulse. Jake lunged at Edward again.

YOU'RE BOTH FUCKING STUPID they heard Seth say in his mind as he lunged between them fighting, his teeth grabbing onto Bella's dress. He lifted her up by his mouth and ran away as fast as he could to the east.