Warnings: HPSS, Preslash, Slash, AU, language. Don't like, don't read! I like to make my characters cry, but my stories always have happy endings.

Summary and other notes posted with ch.1-4. The current status of all my stories is posted on my profile page.

Thank you's: Thank you to my lovely reviewers joytiger, Silverwolf407, and kagome328! Your sweet words put a big smile on my face and made me do a happy dance. Thanks Silverwolf407 for giving me a grin and laugh. Thank you to everyone who has tagged this story as a favorite or alert. I plan on posting Ch.6 within a week. Thank you for your patience in waiting for this chapter. This was one of the most pivotal chapters and one of the most difficult to write. It's also the longest (enjoy!)

Please read and review. Reviews are like food for my soul and my muse! : ) Honeydukes chocolate for all my readers (You'll need a "pick me up" after the angst!) and a bonus – sugar quills! – for my reviewers. Enjoy!

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Chapter Five, Part Two

TUESDAY NIGHT, a little after 8:30pm

The Potions Professor had final essays to mark but he was lost in thought. He regretfully thought about how wrong his first impressions of the boy were, remembered how his feelings changed for him slowly over time, and smiled as he reflected on how the boy he once detested grew up to be a man he was proud of and cared for. Few are as loyal and brave as he. To the point of being impulsive and reckless, he thought as he smiled wryly. Finally became competent in Potions. Generous and caring – almost to a fault. He really has become quite a man. Anyone who can call him their friend is lucky indeed. And one day he'll make a young lady a very happy wife. … Or a young man a very happy husband. He frowned. That beautiful young man would soon be gone from his life. He was relieved because he knew there was no way that Harry could ever care for him and he didn't think that he could get over him if he continued to see him regularly. On the other hand, he would miss him. Could I bear to see him, knowing I'll never be able to call him mine? Could I bear to see him, even if I can't bring a smile to his lips? Could I be satisfied with friendship? Would he even want to be friends with me? After the way I've treated him all these years I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. Severus sighed. It was hard to stop thinking about that insufferable Gryffindor who wormed his way into his once-cold heart, but he really needed to finish those essays. Stop daydreaming like a love-sick teenager, he chastised himself.

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After Severus finished marking essays he checked the time. He should be done and gone by now. He exited the office, planning to retrieve Albus' Pensieve from the classroom. Upon entering the cold room he heard a soft sob. Huddled on the floor was Harry. Severus was uncomfortable with such displays of raw emotion and wasn't sure what to do. He couldn't just leave him there.

"Potter, I didn't give you the memories so that you could sully my classroom floor with your tears."

Harry continued weeping, not looking up. "Damnit, Potter, why are you crying? You asked for a happy memory and that's what I gave you. You're not supposed to cry!" Harry sniffled and hiccupped as he tried to compose himself. Severus rolled his eyes and conjured a handkerchief. "Here. Dry your face."

"I… I… I thought… You said you would let me see one. And see it once. And… I was happy enough with that! Surprised you even agreed to that! B- But you… you gave me so many! And to keep? ! And yes, they are happy. I'm sad that I'll never really know my mom. Sad that I can't feel her hugs. But happy. So happy to see her and hear her when she was alive and happy. And now I can think of and remember her in that way! I…" Harry broke down with a rack of hiccups and sniffles. "I know you must despise me for being weak, but I'm not like this all the time! I'm just… really overwhelmed right now. I… I can't thank you enough! I... just don't have the words to thank you. To thank you for giving me my mom!"

Harry sniffled, dried his face with the handkerchief, stood up, and before Severus could comprehend what was happening, Harry stumbled towards him, wrapping his arms around his professor in a hug. Severus was startled, shocked, uncomfortable, angry, and… deliriously happy. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you…" Harry spoke softly into his chest, pulling him a little tighter.

"P– Potter, what the hell are you doing? !" Severus sputtered, when he finally found his voice.

"I'm sorry, Professor. I just… I just need to thank you."

"Two simple words would have been enough, Potter."

"No sir, words are not enough to express how I feel."

Severus caught himself holding his breath. He was not emotionally and physically demonstrative. It had been years since he had hugged or was hugged by someone. The sensations and the situation were both uncomfortable and pleasant. "Potter, I don't hug."

"Liar. You hugged my mom."

"That was a lifetime ago and she was my best friend."

"And I'm her son. Just this once. Put your arms around me and relax. I promise I won't tell anyone and I promise this is less painful than the Cruciatus curse." He laughed softly.

Severus tried to make sense of and rein in his emotions. He didn't know how to react – whether to push Harry away or to hug him back. But a nagging thought – what would Lily have him do? – made his decision clear. He took a deep breath and then did something that was even harder than being a spy. He put his arms around Harry and hugged him back.

He sighed deeply and tried to relax. He admitted to himself it felt nice. Rather nice. He didn't want to admit that really it felt absolutely wonderful. He hadn't realized how much he had missed hugs.

"Isn't it nice?" Harry asked.

Severus cleared his throat. "It's tolerable."

Snapish for enjoyable. Harry laughed inside.

They stood still for a minute, both hearts beating wildly and both minds lost in similar thoughts. Severus tightened his arms around the young man but didn't catch himself doing so until it was too late. It's nice, don't fight it. Get it while you can. When will you get another one?

Harry broke the silence. "Thank you. Thank you for everything. For everything you've done for me all these years, for memories of my mother. And…" Harry continued the rest in a whisper. "Thank you for letting me hug you. And hugging me back."

Severus enjoyed the hug immensely but was still uncomfortable. It was a long hug, he wasn't sure who was supposed to let go first, and when, and his nervousness was outweighing his enjoyment. "Potter, how long do your hugs usually last?"

"It depends. Depends on the occasion and who it is with."

"I hardly think a simple thank you would warrant a hug as long as this, much less with the greasy bat of the dungeons."

"I hope you don't mind, but I'm not quite ready to let go."

"Why?" Harry didn't answer; he just sighed softly.

Severus squeezed his eyes shut. "This has gone on long enough." Not long enough. Severus released his hold on the Gryffindor, and took a step back.

"Sir, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Depends on how you define it.

"Was it so terrible, to be hugged by me?"

"It was… nostalgic." Nostalgic? !

Harry smiled softly. "Thank you. Again. For everything."

"You've thanked me enough. You're done. Now leave." Good grief, I think I've received more thanks from him tonight than I have from everyone else in my entire life.

"So anxious to be rid of me? Am I really that awful?" teased Harry.

"Potter, I would be lying if I denied how difficult you've made my life. So yes, I am relieved that you are graduating and will be out of my life."

"I suppose you really do hate me then?"

"I don't hate you."

"You don't? You really don't?!" asked Harry, blinking his eyes.

"That's what I said," Severus answered flatly.

"But you're glad I'll be out of your life?" Harry cocked his head to the side and scrunched his brow.

Severus closed his eyes. "You're just… insufferable," he explained. You and your cute puppy dog expressions… Oh, no… I did not just think the word "cute"!

"But I don't understand. You've said that before and when I hear it, it sounds to me like you hate me. So, what exactly do you mean?"

"It means that you… frustrate me. You make life hard for me." Severus realized his choice of words and mentally groaned. Oh Merlin why did I have to use words with so obvious a double-meaning? He took a breath. "Do you think it's easy to look after students who insist on wandering the castle at night, rushing headlong into danger?"

Harry laughed. "No, I don't suppose it was easy looking out for me! But if you don't hate me, then why have you acted as though you hate me? And if you don't hate me then how do – "

No, no, no! "Potter… I've had my reasons." Don't ask me how I really feel. Don't ask don't ask don't ask! He quickly decided to give a half-truth that should be good enough to answer his question. "Why have I been so hard on you and acted as though I hated you? Think about it! If you were ever going to be able to defeat the Dark Lord, someone had to push you so you would have what it would take. And how would it look to the Dark Lord and the Death-eaters had I been kind to you? It was for your own good that I was cruel." That's only part of the reason – but I can't tell him that.

"But, sir, Voldemort is gone now, so there's no reason to– "

Shite, Severus cursed mentally. "Potter, can you honestly say that this past spring I have treated you any differently than the other students? Don't be so self-centered. You're not the only student I insult. You're a student. Therefore I treat you as a student, no better than any other."

"Okay, then when I'm no longer your student, do you think we could call a truce and be civil with one another?"

"Potter, you're graduating and are off to become an auror while I will remain here at Hogwarts. I don't expect our paths to cross."

"Actually, sir, you haven't exactly gotten rid of me for good."

There was a moment of stunned silence. "What do you mean?" Severus asked dangerously.

"Dumbledore offered me a position to co-teach Defense."

Severus' eyes narrowed. "AND…? Are you going to accept?"

"Actually, that depends on you."

"Well, in that case, Potter, you know what to tell the Headmaster. I don't approve of a mere child fresh out of school teaching… and I don't approve of brats who flaunt their rule-breaking becoming teachers, when it's a professor's job to enforce the rules. Just because you managed to teach your classmates advanced defensive skills years above their level does not mean you should accept Dumbledore's offer."

The old Harry would have argued but he bit back the temptation because he didn't want the antagonism between them to continue, and also because he recognized how the insult was veiling a compliment. If Snape really wanted to insult him, he could have done a much better job.

"You're right. I am young and I have broken rules. I enjoyed teaching defensive spells to my classmates; in fact, that made me happier and more fulfilled than anything else I've done, even Quidditch. But you're right, that doesn't mean I'm prepared to teach. So… I'll do a crappy job and Dumbledore will fire me."

Severus was stunned. He expected Potter to argue. Now he didn't know what to say. "You said it depends on me…"

"Yes, Professor. If I'm going to teach here, it will only be with the confidence that we can be civil towards another. Treat me as you do every other staff member, stop insulting my father and godfather, and stop comparing me to them. I can no longer live with your cruelty."

Severus looked at him curiously. "Your decision rests on how I treat you. That's a strange way to make such an important decision. Your decision should depend on whether you want to teach, feel confident to do an adequate job, and whether it is compatible with the goals and desires you have for your life. Why should it matter how I treat you?"

"Because it hurts," Harry said quietly.

"Grow up. Get over it. You can't expect everyone to fawn over you. That's just life. Some will treat you with kindness and others will not. So how I treat you should not matter."

"But it does matter," Harry whispered, looking down.

Severus didn't know what to do with that. And he honestly could not say how he would treat him. While he grew fond of him over the last two years and privately acknowledged that he's been unfair and blind, it was habit to verbally abuse his father and godfather and to insult him by comparing him to them. But more importantly, if his treatment of Harry were to change, Harry and others would wonder why. He needed to push him away; he needed to maintain his distance. He didn't want anyone to know that his feelings for Harry had changed. It was bad enough that Albus knew.

"Sir… ?" Harry tentatively asked, interrupting the professor from his thoughts.

Severus took a deep breath. "You can't control how people feel about you and how they treat you. If you base your career on only being around people who like you or treat you with kindness, you will have a hard time finding a job. You can't let that affect you. So why should it matter how I treat you?"

"It hurts."

Severus shook his head. "That's not a good enough answer. Get over it."

"I can't."

Severus looked away and muttered. "Weak." As soon as he said it he hated himself for it. The truth was, he was no different than Harry; deep down he was just as weak, and he knew it.

"Stop it! Please! I wish it didn't hurt. I wish it didn't matter. I'm not weak, it's just that…" Harry trailed off.

"What?" Severus demanded impatiently, looking back at Harry, trying not to cringe at the pain-filled eyes.

"It hurts because… because I want…" Harry took a deep breath. "I want us to be friends."

Harry looked down but not before Severus saw… something… in his eyes. He's lying. Or hiding something. "You're lying," Severus stated.

Harry looked up to protest. "No, I'm not."

There it was again. "Potter, don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying."

"Then you're hiding something, which is it?" Harry hesitated. Ah ha! Guilty.

"Please, Professor…" Harry started backing up.

"Tell me. You're lying or hiding something," Severus said dangerously as he stalked towards him.

"Please don't make me-" "What are you hiding?"

"-tell you. I'm not ready-" "What have you done?"

"-to tell you. You won't-" "Have you stolen from me? !"

"-believe me. I promise-" "Are you planning a prank? !"

"-I'll tell you later." "POTTER!"

Severus goaded Harry as he protested, chasing him around the classroom. Finally Severus had Harry cornered. "Tell me! What are you hiding?" he demanded, as Harry anxiously shuffled side to side trying to get out of the corner he was backed into and weakly pleaded "no, no, please don't make me!" Severus grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "Potter! You. Tell. Me. Now!"

"No, please, I'm not ready!"

"NOW!" Harry crumpled, losing the last of his resolve. "I'm in love with you," he weakly choked out.

Both fell to their knees, Harry weakened with the humiliation of confession and Severus weakened by shock and disbelief. Both breathed heavily and didn't look at the other. Severus released his hands quickly as though burned. Harry started sobbing shakily.

Severus was frozen to the spot. Never have those words been spoken to him. Never. He wished desperately that they were true, but couldn't believe it. It's impossible. Impossible. He stood up on weak legs, turned around, and slowly walked away, trying to get a grip on himself. He refused to look at Potter. He was angry and deeply hurt. He hurt inside more from this than he ever did from the Cruciatus curse. How can anyone do this to me? And Potter, of all people? ! Why him? ! WHY HIM? !

"That's a lie," he finally said, with a flat tone. Harry continued to sob. "What kind of prank is this?"

"It's the truth! I love you. I'm not pranking you."

Severus shook his head. "Who put you up to this?"

"No one."

"Was it a bet? ! A dare? !"

"No! I swear I'm telling the truth!"

"Empty words. Anyone can say that they swear to something they don't mean. I'll ask again. Who else is part of this prank?"

"No one! Why won't you believe me?"

Harry dried away his tears with the half-used handkerchief. "Look at me! You're a Legilimens and I'm pants at Occlumency! Can't you look in my eyes and see what I'm telling you is the truth? ! You can even give me Veritaserum!"

Severus shook his head. He's bluffing. Or found a way around it. Or it's part of the prank. After all, why would I bother testing Potter's truthfulness if I didn't care about how he felt. "Potter, I don't need to use Legilimency or Veritaserum to know that what you said is a lie. Not that it matters to me anyway. I am angry because I do not tolerate being lied to nor targeted for pranks."

"I'm not lying, sir. And this is not a prank. I really do have feelings for you."

"Impossible," Severus hissed.

Harry was silent for a moment. "I know. It is impossible. Just like when I thought there was no such thing as magic. I didn't find out until I was eleven! Do you know how shocked and dismayed I was when I first realized I had feelings for you? I didn't choose to have feelings for you; it just happened. If anyone is playing a joke, then it's cupid playing a joke on the both of us: for me to fall for someone who is so cruel to me, and you – has anyone ever loved you? It's insane that you should find someone who does, but he is the one person whom you can't stand the most."

Snape was silent so Harry continued. "I wasn't going to tell you. I knew I didn't have a chance with you. Just being friends with you seemed unlikely enough. I thought the best I could hope for would be for you to treat me as you do the rest of the staff. I could have lived with that." Harry sighed. "I'm not sure which is worse, you knowing the truth but not returning my feelings, or you hearing the truth from me but not believing me."

Harry stood up and slowly walked towards his professor. He stopped a few feet away.

Severus closed his eyes tight. "Go."

"Sir, please look at me."

"GET. OUT. I don't want to see you."

The frustration inside Harry reached its limit. "What's wrong with you? ! Why are you so stubborn? ! What are you afraid of? ! Why won't you give me a chance to prove to you that I'm not lying? ! Is this how you treat everyone who tells you they have feelings for you? ! Do you really think so low of yourself that it's impossible for anyone to love you? ! If you keep pushing people away, then how can you ever have love and happiness in your life? ! You want to be miserable? Fine!" Harry yelled.

"ENOUGH! GET. OUT. NOW!" Severus slammed his fist on a nearby desk, making Harry jump in surprise.

Harry stared at the man's back in loathing, hating the man that he loved, and ran out of the classroom.

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Severus stood there silently, eyes still shut tight, for several minutes. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He walked over to the Pensieve and saw that Potter had forgotten to put the memories back in the vial to take with him. He filled the vial, corked it, pocketed it, and picked up the Pensieve. He didn't trust to leave something so valuable in the classroom; his own quarters would be safer. The walk to his quarters seemed longer than usual. Finally he reached his sanctuary. The Pensieve was placed on a table in his sitting area. He would return it to Albus tomorrow. He undressed for bed. Only when he laid in bed, cocooned in soft sheets and warm blankets, head cradled by a fluffy pillow, and arms wrapped around a second pillow, did his walls come tumbling down. For the first time in many years, he cried himself to sleep.

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HP: That was depressing.

SS: That was atrocious.

HG and RW: Poor Harry.

HG: And I feel sorry for Prof. Snape, too.

APWBD: Don't worry, I'm sure in the end everything will be fine.

A: I can guarantee it!

Next chapter – what happens to Harry after he leaves the Potions classroom? Will he confide in his friends and will they be supportive?

BTW, I don't claim ownership of anything. I'm just having fun with these characters. I did not coin "Snapish" – I got that from another fanfic I read and loved the word. Also, the scene in which Snape goads Harry, grabs him, and they drop to their knees after Harry confesses – that was inspired by a scene in the movie Yentl. Excellent movie, by the way.

Please review! Thanks!