Chapter 6: Will Today Be a Good Day?

August 8th, 2015

Connor's room

Connor wanted avoid two fucking annoying lovebirds, his greatest disappointment. Second to himself. He hardly spoke to Zoe to begin with, that wasn't new or difficult. He knew how she looked at him. He was a monster. He definitely avoided Creep. Whenever he caught a glance of that murderous weapon called a cast he turned the other direction. Why should he even be going to the zoo? Nicknameless approached him in the hallway the other day, inquiring about his attendance to their little trip that Saturday. Normally Connor would shrug and tell the person to fuck off, but Alana seemed too genuine and kind. Unlike the Creep and Perfect Murphy. For them it was probably a date. Alan should not have to end up being the third wheel to whatever the hell they would be doing.

You can come if you want, aside from it being a project...I think it would be kind of fun.

One thing led to another and he gave the Hermione reincarnate his phone number. He laid in bed that morning. His sweater reeked of his late night meditation. The sun peeked through the covers of his sheets he buried himself under. His cell phone buzzed to life next to him, the bright white light bringing its own light to the darkness Connor made for himself. Connor groggily turned over to glance at the small device to see a message from Alana.

Alana: Still coming to the zoo today?

Connor contemplated in responding. When was the last time he received a text message that wasn't spam or some sick joke? A million years. His fingers hovered over the screen. He took a shaky breath. Should he respond? Alana did come out of her way to see if he was going. Zoe and Evan would be there. He didn't want to be reminded of how stupid he was for believing that Evan wanted to be his friend. He was uncertain what was going on with smarty pants here. Out of most of his peers, she was like Evan in a sense that she didn't take part in the name calling or gossip. She stood to the back, but she didn't seem lonely. She was always busy with her studies, a good kid. Teacher's pet? No, but they did enjoy her presence over his own.

If Connor was going to stare at a couple trapped animals like himself, then he supposed he would do so for the girl who wanted to work ahead for her project. Connor blew a strand of his brown hair out of his face as his fingertips graced the screen of his cellphone.

Connor: Sure...always wanted to see my brothers in the monkey exhibit

He got a message as quickly as he finished sending it.

Alana: Great! Meet you there at 10:30?

It was 9:15 in the morning.

Connor: Kinda early, but sure

Alana: You have a different perspective on early

Connor: Meh, doesn't everyone have like a different perspective?

Alana: Yes, we do. Alright, I'll see you guys at 10:30!

...you guys…

Right, Connor would have to go to the zoo with his sister...and Creep...A vile pit appeared at the bottom of his stomach. He shouldn't be so angry over the fact that his sister may find happiness for once in her life, but he did. He was betrayed. Evan violated the code of fake friends ! Well, the one where you actually try to be friends was broken…Wait they decided to try to actually be friends, if that were the case, didn't Evan violated the code to being friends? Friend friends?

Whatever! Connor threw the sheets off of him as he rolled out of bed. Landing on his feet. He ran a hand through his messy bed hair as he took a deep breath. Today would be interesting. That's for sure. Different than his usual Saturday. Hopefully he wouldn't need another smoke after this.

Evan's room

"Zoe, he's been avoiding me like I am the plague," Evan exclaimed as he shuffled around his room, trying to find his shoes. His cellphone was on speaker on top of his desk, next to his blank letter for the day. Sitting there would give a perfect view of trees and an empty span of road leading to civilization outside of the suburbs.

"I don't know Evan," Zoe sighed, her tone revealing a slight quiver, "Connor has been acting like Connor...Which means he avoids contacting anyone outside of his room or the rooftop." There were muffled, strange sounds coming from her end of the call. Evan imagined that she was getting ready like himself.

Evan groaned in frustration as he got on his knees to find a shoelace trail leading to underneath his bed. How on earth did those get under there? "This is not good! We just went over the fact that we would try to be friends!" Evan whined. "I don't know what went wrong? Like did I say something to piss him off?"

"He could have also been lying to just get you out of his room," Zoe said.

Evan's heart twisted. That was also a possibility. He hated the idea, but these past few days revealed that maybe it wasn't just an idea. He thought back to their time in the library. "We did hang out at the library though...Would he just hang out once and we never see him again?"

Zoe hummed in thought, the strange noises dying down. "Yeah…" she admitted. "I mean, he would show up to dinner once in a while then stop...At least before he stopped showing up completely."

Evan bit his lip as he dragged his sneakers back from the darkness of his bed. "I can't mess this up."

There was silence.

"Not again…"

"I know Evan," Zoe said, her voice faltering. "Believe me...I fucking know…" Evan heard a sniff.

"Are you cryi-"

"I know I seem like a stupid emotional teenage girl but oh my fucking God Evan!" Zoe exclaimed. She sniffed again and there was muffling sound, perhaps she was wiping her nose. "My brother is alive," she whispered. "He is alive and I know that I need to do something. But then I see him...And I want to open my mouth to say something. Like 'hello' or 'how are you today?' And I just-"

Evan sat on his chair by the phone. His shoes in hip while his good hand rested next to his phone. He felt his own heart twist in painful empathy. He felt like a jerk, making her cry. None of this was truly in his control, yet he couldn't help but feel at fault for all of this.

"I just can't make a sound," Zoe confessed. "I freeze up on the inside! What kind of sister am I if I can't even say good morning to my own brother? Like if I make one wrong move, he'll explode in my face…" Zoe continue, her voice falling to a low, cracking tone, "...He reminds me of how fucking useless and stupid I am...he doesn't even need to say anything…"

Evan realized his eyes were watery. He rubbed them to prevent anything from falling out. His nose threatened to make him sniff himself. He can't do that. Evan needed to be strong. "You're not useless Zoe...You are one of the most amazing-" Evan thought, Zoe was more than amazing. It was difficult to describe. His mom appeared in the back of his mind. Evan continued, "-young woman I have ever met. You have been through so much already and you're smart, beautiful, and kind."

Zoe let out a weak laugh, "And I remember you telling me something similar while lying to my face…"

Right. Evan was a horrible person. He poured out all of his own feelings for Zoe, to make Connor into a completely different person. Someone his little sister never knew. Someone who never existed. Evan scratched his cast nervously. He didn't know how to respond. How would a horrible person like himself respond after being exposed? Words began to build up in his throat, threatening to become a jumbled mess if he made a sound.

"Thank you," Zoe said, breaking the silence.

"Huh?" Evan gasped. His heart raced while his eyes stared wide eyed at the cellphone.

"Even if it was all lie before and now...it still helps...I guess," Zoe spoke softly. "It's nice if I pretend that it's true."

"Yeh-yeah," Evan stuttered out.

"I'll let you know if Connor is coming or not, I should be hoping that he is, but I mainly hope he doesn't," Zoe said. "God...I don't know…"

All Evan could say was, "Yeah…"

"Talk to you later," Zoe said. She hung up before Evan could process that their conversation was over.

Evan decided to finally put on his shoes as his thoughts raced with a million ways this day could go. His anxiety made sure that not a single outcome was decently okay. All led to the dreadful end of Connor's postponed suicide. It was one thing for Connor to kill himself the first time, but with the knowledge Evan had now...Evan didn't know if he could handle it. If he could continue on…

The teen took a deep breath and softly slapped his cheeks. He had to get out of that mindset! It's not like before! Today was going to be a good day! He had to make it a good day! He just had to, if not for himself then for Connor, Zoe, and Alana. They were all counting on him. Speaking to today, Evan realized his paper was still blank. He checked the time. He had an hour or so to kill before he had to head out. Alana told him to meet them at the zoo entrance around ten thirty. He was ready, supposed his mom was still getting dressed for the day herself. Or she slept in. Evan will check on her in a few minutes. First things first, he had to continue his own development in healing. Evan sat down at the desk and took a pen from a mug stuffed with pens and pencils. His hand glided over the paper as he began to create a story of love and hope for himself.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day because I will be with my friends Alana, Zoe, and Connor! We are going to the local zoo to help Alana and Zoe with a school project. The school year just started but they wanted to get a head start on their assignments. They are really diligent that way, which means I need to work hard too!

I am a little nervous to see Connor since he seems upset. I don't know what happened, I thought we were getting along fine but then he started to avoid me. Today I can ask him if something is bothering him. Either way we are both going to have a loads of fun!

Evan paused and bit his lip. He had to stay positive. This came out easier than he expected. Well, easier than a year ago. Or would that technically be earlier in the week? Gah! This whole stupid time jumping thing screwed around with his sense of time. Tomorrow was a year ago and yesterday is tomorrow? Evan scratched the back of he head and let out a deep sigh. It also made him wonder if this year passed like before, would he wake up again as if nothing happened? Would he remember the first two times?

"How is any of this possible?" Evan huffed.

Someone gently knocked on his door. "Morning sleepy head!" his mom chirped. Evan turned to meet a pair of familiar, excited eyes. "Are you ready for your totally awesome day!?" she inquired and held out her hand in a thumbs up.

God that cringe hurt. Evan couldn't help but laugh at his enthusiasm. "Haha," he thought for a moment. To think positively, perhaps he should act more positive. For example his mom was already awake and ready for the day. "Yeah!"

That's right, he felt better the first time when he was more positive. When he create the Connor Project, he felt hope. His mom always tried to be happy, attentive and optimistic for him. When he was young and ignorant, he was annoyed. It felt like she was harping on him to be happy and smile. Now, he realizes that she was trying to help him to find his own happiness. It's something that is shared naturally.

Time to do the same for Connor.

"Oh, here!" his mom said and pulled out a small stack of dollar bills while approaching him. "This is to pay for the zoo, something to eat, aaaand-" she handed him an extra twenty, "A little souvenir."

Evan took the money. This felt like it was a lot. "Um mom, I just need some to enter the zoo...This is a little too much," he said in embarrassment. This was her hard earned money. She needed this for bills, to take care of him! He-

"Hey, I want you to have a good time. Besides, this is what happens when you are slowly building a savings account," she winked at him. "Now you pay me back by bringing home an epic tale of your adventures!" She placed her hands on her hips. "I expect you to come back after you wrestle with a lion! Or dance with monkeys!"

"Ahaha," funny how when she said lion, Connor instantly thought of Connor. If he was a lion, he would have bitten off his head ages ago. Oh God, and he can be terrifying when he was angry. Second thoughts and self doubt began to gnaw at the back of his head.

A sudden hug from his mom melted all of those worries. "Everything will be okay little guy," she whispered. "Okay? I am so proud of you."

Evan returned the hug as best as he could with his good arm. "Thanks mom, for everything…"

They pulled back. Evan smiled sheepishly, his mom grinned. She pulled out her car keys. "Alrighty, let me whip something together for breakfast. Then I'll drop you off!"

Evan nodded and watched her leave. The horrendous weight on his chest leaving with her. His smile felt more genuine than before. He rubbed his cast and looked at the name in black ink. I really have the best mom around...don't I?

Author's note: Ahahaha...Super late update, and my excuse is nothing other than life and the inspiration leaving me. I became super busy with university and work because of the holidays. Sadly I missed the play due to work. Rip…But I got the book for Christmas! I know it is the end of February but I am going to start reading the book, I got a few others so I read those first. One day I will see this musical, but glancing at a few random chapters I stumbled upon...and seeing how some people find this in the depths of this website, I concluded that I must continue this!

I have a new and better way to write these chapters so more should be coming out soon! I now have a laptop so I can write directly onto my google documents instead of on paper and transfering it to a computer when I get ahold of one. As you saw from the last chapter, doing everything on my phone isn't the best for me.

Thank you all for being patient. I hope you enjoyed this little chapter. Although I haven't updated this storyline in particular, I have made a few shorts where I played around with these characters for fun on the side...If you want me to share them, let me know and I may make "special" chapters to share while I am working on the major chapters. Its a way to ask for forgiveness for my long absence. That and so everyone knows that I am not dead…

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone looks forward to future updates!