Chapter 5: Wishing and Hoping

Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight

Dad accosted me as I entered the house. "I saw Jeanne outside. Why didn't she come in?"

"I told her I was tired, so she went on home."

"I see. That wouldn't have anything to do with Bella's truck leaving here, eh?"

As usual, Dad had an instinct for digging out whatever it was I was hiding. I shut the door behind me, sighing as I did so. I guessed that now was as good a time as any to come clean.

"You saw her truck then, huh?"

"Didn't have to; I heard it. I'm not deaf yet."

Gesturing to me, he said, "Sit down, Son. I feel a lecture coming on."

I rolled my eyes. Here it comes. I sat down on the couch, as he wheeled to face me.

The words began to pour out of my mouth. "When you're right, you're right. Jeannie's leaving had everything to do with Bella being here. I can't marry Jeannie, Dad—I just can't. Every time I'm with her, I'm thinking about Bella."

"So, when are you going to tell Jeanne?"

"I have to make sure of my feelings for Bella first. I'm not doing this lightly. This is gonna break Jeannie's heart, and I know how that feels. She's a sweet girl, but I just don't love her enough. If I find out that Bella still has that hold on me, then that's it. I'll have to be with her to be happy—to feel alive again."

"I was afraid something like this had happened. That day when we discussed your doubts … was that when you realized that Bella had moved back?"

"I didn't know she was in Forks at that time, and I still felt really uncertain."

As I thought about it though, I began to get angry at Dad. He knew that Bella was in Forks, and never said a thing about it. "And why didn't you bother to tell me she'd been here for months? Didn't you think I should be told? I had every right to know."

He put out his hand palm toward me. "Now, Jacob, if I remember correctly, you said that you didn't want any news about Bella."

"News is one thing, but the fact that she'd moved here, and been living here … I can't believe you kept that from me. She's divorced, Dad. Didn't you feel that it would make a difference to me? You of all people had a bird's eye view of the mess I was when she left, and maybe things would've remained a mess, but that wasn't your decision.

"I guess what I'm saying is … I'm seeing Bella, and if things work out between us, and she came here to be with me, then my engagement to Jeannie will be a thing of the past. This is gonna hurt a lot of people, but I can't have a life, half lived. I deserve some happiness."

"All right then. There's nothing more for me to say, except to think seriously about this. I love you, Son, no matter what you decide."

Saturday, I called Jeanne and explained that I had to patrol that night. She was so understanding, it made me feel bad, but there was no way in hell that I'd be bringing her over to Bella's. I wanted to be alone with her.

Holy sh**… Bella was dressed up, and looked like a million bucks. I'd have a hard time looking away from her all evening. How was I gonna eat my food, when I couldn't see the plate?

The dinner was great. No one could cook like Bella. After eating, I helped with the dishes. When we were done, she pivoted away from the sink to grab my towel. I instinctively, pulled on it, forcing her to my chest. I threw the damn thing on the floor, and plunged one hand into her thick hair. I held her head closer, and felt her breath fan over my face. My mouth was on hers in a heated rush.

At first, Bella tried to pull away, but when I tightened my grip on her, she couldn't resist any longer, and I was transported back to that mountain summit, reliving one of the greatest moments of my life. Her lips were soft and warm, and eager to follow my every move. As we reluctantly parted, Bella gazed up at me with sadness in those chocolate eyes, and she began to cry.

I led her to the living room, and sat her down in front of the fireplace, joining her on the floor.

I let her cry for a while, and finally she spoke. "I shouldn't have let you do that. It was wrong of me."

I cupped her face in my hands, gazing deep into her eyes. "No … if it was so wrong, then why did it feel so right?"

With tears falling, she said, "It's too late for us, Jake. Don't you see that? You're engaged; you have an imprint. Everyone in La Push wants to see you marry her."

"I don't give a damn, what they want."

"But they're your friends and your family. You have a responsibility to them. I'm just getting in the way of that. Maybe we shouldn't see each other any more."

"No … you can't mean that. I won't be able to live without you. I'll just curl up in a ball and die, broken and alone."

"This is so hard. It's hurting us both, and hurting Jeanne most of all."

Bella paused for a minute, and stared at her hands fisted in her lap. Now what?

"I … I have a confession to make."

She had a confession?

"I came here, stupidly hoping to come back to you, and yet I stayed away, afraid that I'd hurt you so badly that you'd never want to lay eyes on me again. I guess that was cowardly of me. Then I saw Embry one day, and he told me you were happy, and engaged. I was devastated. I wanted to leave Forks, but I signed a contract with the bookstore, and felt it my duty to fulfill it.

"One night I was at the movies, and I saw you with your imprint. I went home, and cried my eyes out. I'd lost you, and I'd have to live with that fact."

I shook my head. "That's not true. You never lost me. Even when you married Edward and moved away, I thought about you all the time, and now that you're back, I won't ever let you go."

I lifted one of her hands, and kissed it. Her eyes turned to mine. "God help me, Jake, I love you; I do."

I nearly crumpled at her words. "I love you too, with everything in my heart."

It was out in the open now. I had to break the news to Jeanne; a task that made me cringe.

I decided to talk to Jeanne the next night, and wouldn't you know it, Micah had fallen off the wagon, after six months of being drug free and was back in rehab. He had forged a check and cleaned out his parent's bank account. Jeanne was crushed. I couldn't bring myself to drop another bomb on her so soon after that unhappy event.

Three days had gone by, and I was out on patrol duty. It was uneventful, and we called it a night. As Alpha, I had learned to shield my thoughts, so when I took off, no one had a clue what I was up to, unless Embry and Quil had put two and two together.

I couldn't stand another minute away from the girl I loved. I felt empty inside, hungering to feel her touch, to hear her say she loved me once more. This night, I was gonna run to her. I didn't care if it took me all night, I was gonna run to her.

I ran and ran 'til I thought my lungs would burst. The house was dark, and I trotted around the perimeter, searching for the window to her bedroom. It didn't take me long to find it. The window was open, and her scent drifted to me on the air I breathed. I phased to human, pulled on my shorts, and vaulted over the window sill landing noiselessly on the carpet. Her bed was empty. I put my hand on the blankets; they were still warm.

I heard her bare feet pad down the hallway from the bathroom. Not wanting to startle her, I whispered, "Bells!"

The moonlight streamed through the open window, illuminating her as she stood framed in the doorway. An angel couldn't have looked any more beautiful. The wait was over. I raced to her, grabbed her by the waist, and slid her over to the wall, pinning her against it.

Our passion exploded, but it was short-lived. She pushed me away, her hands on my bare chest. "Jake, no … we can't."

I wanted to cry. "Bells … please … please."

"Jacob, don't. It's killing me to hear you beg. It's … it's tearing me apart. Don't you think I want this too? I do—but it's not right, not yet, not now. I think you should go before we both do something we'll regret."

Grasping her shoulders, I cried out, "No, god, no … don't send me away. I can't go home. Can't I stay the night? Just let me be near you. I promise to be good, only please don't send me away, not tonight; I need you, Bells. God, how I need you."

I heard her whimper as she pressed my head to her breast. "I'm so sorry, but I can't be the other woman—I just can't. You need to tell her. It's only fair."

Lifting my head, I scanned her worried face. "I wanted to tell her this week, but she was having family problems. I couldn't throw this in her lap at the same time. She deserves better than that."

She pulled back my head, and peering into my eyes, said, "Promise me. Promise me, Jake—and when you do, I'll be here, waiting."

"I promise."

Bella led me to the bed, and I spooned her snugly. I closed my eyes, inhaling her scent, then kissed the smooth skin at the back of her neck. God—I wanted this woman in the worst way. I was now determined to break it off with Jeanne come hell or high water, and break her innocent heart in the process.

Bella nudged me gently the following morning. "Jake, let go. I have to get up, and get dressed."

"Hmn …" I nuzzled her shoulder, running my nose lightly along its curve.

"The bookstore, remember?"

I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Do you have to go into work today? It's Saturday."

"I'm sorry, but the store's open six days a week."

Damn, she wiggled out of my arms and trotted off to the closet. The clothes rustled as she removed an outfit, then went to the bathroom to finish dressing.

"Jake, do you want something to eat before I go?"

Yelling back at her, I answered, "Only if you're eating with me."

"I don't have time. I'll pick something up at the shop."

"What, no pop tarts?"

"Ha, ha, very funny. I'll have you know, I haven't downed a pop tart in years."

She returned to the bedroom, fastening an earring. "Cheese and crackers! I can't get this stupid earring in."

Again with the cheese and crackers. "I think the correct phrase is cheese and rice, Bells."

"Whatever." She continued to struggle with the little diamond stud.

Still sitting in the bed, I scooted closer to the edge. "Here, let me."

Plopping down on the mattress, she exhaled in exasperation. I reached over and quickly screwed the backing onto the earring.

"Thanks."

Bella grabbed her shoes, which were next to her nightstand, slipping them on. "I've got to go.

"What …? Oh no, don't look at me like that!"

"Like what?" Okay, so I knew damn well what I was doing.

"You know—those puppy dog eyes."

"Well, then kiss me goodbye."

She leaned down, and as our lips met, I dragged her onto my lap. Bella shot up off me, pulling her skirt down, and straightening her blouse. "Dang it, Jake."

I grinned wickedly. "Now you can go."

"Like I need your permission," she muttered. "You're not my Alpha." With that, she was out the door.

All of a sudden, the house seemed cold and empty, so I made up the bed, locked up and ran into the forest. When I got far enough away, I phased and raced back home.