Warning: Not for the faint-hearted. Nonsense humor, mild to severe OOCness, haphazard storyline, lack of continuity, more implied pairings than you've ever wanted to see in a single 'fic.
Now that's out of the way, on with the show...
******
For the sake of maintaining the reader's sanity (and Hikaru's much-protested innocence), we shall now take a look at what's happening in Houtou Castle...
Yaone nervously tapped her fingers on the table. "Where is Kougaiji-sama?"
"Kou?" asked Dokugaiji with an air of faked innocence. "He wasn't here before you came in. Nope. Not at all."
"Really? I wonder where he could be..."
Dokugaiji peered out the window, searching for the demon prince.
>>Flashback
"Mmm... delicious..."
"You think so, Doku?" Kougaiji almost purred. "Hrm... you have such good taste..."
"Darling Kou, you really know how to make a demon feel 'bad'..."
"You think so? Then I don't think I need this voucher anymore..."
"The one Nii gave you?"
"Doku, stop nibbling!"
"Right. I'll just take a big bite."
"Atta-demon. Much better."
"What're you going to do with that voucher?"
"Do you think my hair needs primping? I find it less shiny than before... heck, less shiny than Yaone's..."
"No way..."
"Maybe I should, you know. You wouldn't want your boyfriend to look ugly, would you?"
"No, Kou. It's just that I believe you're already perfect."
"Even in that ballerina's tutu...?"
Doku developed a nosebleed. "Even in that tutu. Come here, let me give you a-"
In that moment the door opened, and Kougaiji instantly jumped out the window. Frantic, Doku sat up and stuck his head out of the window. His lover was nowhere in sight.
"Doku-san," Yaone greeted him.
"Y-Yaone..." Doku sighed. 'Why didn't I lock the door? Being shocked no less than once per hour is bad for my heart...'
"Who were you talking to?"
"Huh?" Doku faked innocence.
"You were saying you wanted to give someone something...?"
"Oh, erm, I wanted to give you, uh..." 'No, not my teddy bear... damn, what can I give her?'
Yaone noticed the plate of chocolate-chip cookies on the table. "Ah, wakatta!"
"What?" 'That Kou was here? Alone with me? That we were...'
"These cookies..." Yaone's face darkened.
"Er... what about them?"
"You want to give them to me, right?"
'#@^/!! Those cookies are all mine! Kou made them for me, and only ME!'
"Thank you, Doku-san. You're so thoughtful," said Yaone as she bit into a cookie.
Doku's eyes bulged. 'NOOOOO!!! MY COOKIE!!! KOU'S COOKIE! OUR COOKIE!!!'
"They're delicious. And cute, too. They're all heart-shaped... how adorable..."
Doku was almost crying. 'No, stop... the pain is too much... yamette...'
"...and the number of chocolate chips in each cookie is the same... amazing..."
'Hopeless... Kou, forgive me, for I am too weak... to vulnerable to protect our love, to even save your Chocolate Chip Cookies of Love from being ravished, murdered...'
"Doku-san, the next time you buy these cookies, do remember to order some for me..."
'If Kou ever decides to make them again... NO! Stay away from Kou's LOVE COOKIES!'
"I hope you won't mind my finishing them..." said Yaone, munching on yet another cookie, oblivious to the torment suffered behind her back.
'AAAAARGHHH!!! The agony, the agony!'
>>End Flashback
"So why are you here, Yaone?" asked Doku after he had recovered.
"I'm still looking for Lirin-sama," explained Yaone. "I'm so worried; what if something happens to her? I mean, what would happen if she met a fire-breathing dragon?"
~~~
Elsewhere...
"You! Big fat ugly dragon!" Lirin pointed a masterful finger at its scaly green face. "How dare you eat my chicken buns?"
The dragon snorted. 'Like hell I care...'
"You shall pay for your crimes! I summon the dark powers of the Netherworld, give me the power to preserve all edibles on Tougenkyou and punish those who are more evil than my 'kaa-san! Demon Princess Power..."
The dragon blinked once, then blinked again. 'Oh, great. I'm face-to-face with a Sailor Moon wannabe. Wonder who's Tuxedo Mask...'
"LIRIN KICK!" The little demon's right foot flew out of the blue and hit the dragon squarely on its jaw. The dragon fell backwards, its eyes swirly.
'Damn, no transformation sequence...'
~~~
Doku waved a careless hand. "I'd be more worried about the dragon."
Yaone considered this a second. "...I'd be more worried about the landscape."
Just then, a distant, deep BOOM rattled the windows, rearranged the various objects on Doku's shelves and shook the two demons out of their seats and onto the floor.
"What in-"
~~~
"INFINITE EXPLODING ROUND OBJECTS OF DOOM! HYAAAA!!!"
~~~
BOOM.
Houtou Castle rocked on its ancient foundations yet again, as with every building in a hundred-mile radius.
Yaone and Dokugaiji stared out the window at the gray plume of smoke and dust rising above the distant mountains. A peak crumbled away in disturbing silence. Then they turned to stare at each other.
"...Nah..."
~~~
Hakkai brought the jeep to a stop once they reached the street. "Is this the place?"
Gojyo nodded.
"Tell me again why we are here," demanded Zenon.
"Gojyo's hair. He insisted on having his hair... er, repaired... before we continue our search," replied Shien. He stared after Gojyo as he entered a hair salon.
"Why don't we go inside as well?" suggested Hakkai.
"Ne, Hakkai," Goku called. "I smell buns. Can I-"
"But, Goku, we have no money."
"Hakkai~!" wailed Goku, his eyes tearing over.
Hakkai sighed guiltily. Zenon felt so sorry for him that he spoke up.
"You know, I - er - have my credit card..."
Goku brightened up on the pot. "Hontou ni? Wow!"
Hakkai smiled at Zenon. "Daijoubu desu ka? I don't want to trouble you..."
"Iie, it's okay." What have I gotten myself into?
"Let's go!" Goku tugged Zenon's hand, pulling him away from Hakkai. "This way!"
"Oi, you're not coming?"
Hakkai waved at them cheerfully. "No, I have to check on Hakuryuu and Gojyo. Have fun, you guys!"
K'so! Me and my big mouth!
~~~
Gojyo took a seat while waiting for a hairdresser to work on his hair. Feeling somewhat bored, he grabbed a nearby magazine. As he reached out for the glossy publication, he glimpsed the person next to him. Unable to see his (yes, Gojyo was certain it was a 'he', ladies with clearly noticeable muscles being a nonexistent breed on this world) face, since the fellow's hairdresser was blocking his view, Gojyo focused on the magazine.
"Tch, I've read this one already," Gojyo tossed it back onto the pile. "Don't you have anything else to read here?"
"Afraid not, mister," answered the hairdresser. "All the latest ecchi and hentai magazines are taken."
"Is this what you call service?!"
"There are newspapers, mister."
"Papers? I don't read no newspapers. The last thing I need is to take up Sanzo's reading habits." In the end, the pink-haired half-demon browsed through the newspaper all the same.
Gojyo's hairdresser applied all sorts of conditioners, moisturizers, serums and other unidentified furtilizing objects. That done, he wrapped Gojyo's hair in a towel.
"Man, it's really hot here," Gojyo complained. "I'm sweating buckets."
If you're wondering what Shien was up to, the god was busy swallowing his drool. With Gojyo's flushed cheeks due to the heat, Shien was having a hard time.
Gojyo's hairdresser left him, and so the half-demon continued his reading. Noticing his anonymous neighbour was alone as well, Gojyo attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Have you heard?" he began. "'Sacks of coffee beans reported missing'? 'Canned coffee drinks vanish into thin air'? 'Authorities baffled over stolen coffee'? Why would anyone want to steal coffee?"
"A crazed coffee addict, no doubt," replied the neighbour.
Hey, that voice sounds familiar...
Where have I heard that voice before...?
Gojyo pondered this awhile. Finally he ventured a question, "Do I know you?"
The fellow tore his eye covers away, and Gojyo found himself staring straight at Kougaiji - complete with a towel wrapped snugly around his head - and his nails ...buffed?
"What the ^@#% are you doing here?!" they both cried in surprise.
~~~
"Thank you very much!" said the bun vendor, bowing. "Please come again!"
"Hai! Thank you!" Goku bowed as well. He dug his hand into the incredibly huge brown paper bag he carried for a bun. "Itadakimasu!"
Zenon looked miserably at his credit card.
~~~
"If you think I'm going to let you go today-" began Kougaiji.
"-like any other day?" chipped in Gojyo with obvious amusement.
"You're right," Kougaiji sank back into his chair. "I can't fight with my hair like this."
"Likewise," grinned Gojyo. "Robs us of the real excitement, eh? We have to look good during our fights."
"Yeah, with me being a prince and all - I can't disappoint my fangirls."
"Dokugaiji, you mean."
"Damn, is it that obvious?"
Gojyo blinked. "...Does that mean you'll be my brother-in-law soon?"
"Oh, your sister is getting married? I love weddings!" interjected a high-pitched voice, sounding horribly of sunshine, flowers and a bluebird or two for good measure.
Gojyo was going to snap irritably at the source of the voice until he discovered that she was a lovely young hairdresser, with more than ample... assets. She chattered irritatingly to him while she did his hair, rinsing it of the goop left in to soak, trimming split ends and blowing dry his long, pink hair, but Gojyo didn't hear a word, lost as he was in his ...admiration... of the young woman's ...upper chest.
Kougaiji attempted to continue their conversation several times, or at least correct the hairdresser's misconceptions, but was roundly ignored. He gave up in disgust, slipped his eye-covers back on and went back to his nap.
~~~
The first thing Shien noticed when Gojyo finally stepped out of the salon was his hair. He had always admired the half-demon's hair, long, straight locks of deep pink spilling over his headband and onto his shoulders. After the salon treatment, Gojyo's hair was nothing less than breathtakingly beautiful, the kind of beauty that inspired poets and launched warships and made those with a jealous streak turn a lovely shade of viridian. Or, at least, so thought one particular deity. Oh, Gojyo, your hair is as smooth as the finest silk, as soft as gossamer, as shimmering as sunlight in a pool, as pink as Rinrei's favourite curtains - wait, that's not quite right...
However, before Shien could give voice to his starry-eyed admiration, someone else beat him to it.
"You look good, Gojyo."
Gojyo smiled. "Glad you think so, Hakkai."
"I think your hair looks fantastic too, Gojyo," Shien mumbled. Gojyo apparently didn't hear him, because he strode right past the god and swung himself into one of Hakuryuu's seats, next to Hakkai, who was, as always, driving. Shien deflated.
"Shall we leave?" asked Gojyo, hooking an arm around Hakkai's shoulders. He threw a glance at Zenon, who was red and shaking.
"About time," Hakkai smiled at him.
Shien broke down. His sobs snapped Zenon out of his jealous near-rage. He shook his head at his weeping colleague, sighed, lifted him by the collar and dumped him into the back of Jeep-Hakuryuu before hopping in himself. Hakkai revved up the dragon-turned-jeep.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Goku, pausing with his last bun halfway to his mouth.
Zenon shrugged. "I think he's had his heart broken."
Goku, who had more brains than he was normally credited for, looked at Shien, then at Gojyo, then at Hakkai, then back at Shien, and decided he really didn't want to know. He shrugged and took a bite out of the fluffy white bread.
~~~
"Damn it all!" cried Gojyo. "Where the heck is Sanzo?"
"Sanzo!" Goku called. "Sanzo! Doku wa?"
"Gojyo... Hakkai stopped Hakuryuu. "Let me see that map. Thank you."
"No problem at all." Gojyo grinned at Hakkai, successfully making Zenon, green with envy, glower.
"Oh, dear... Gojyo, where did you get this map?"
"Bought it from that scruffy-looking guy in the last town. Got a good deal for it too. A lucky thing since we're short of cash."
"Gojyo, this is a map of Japan."
"It is? Where is this... Japan?"
"...A few dimensions in that direction."
"...Oh."
Zenon was exasperated. "Great! For once, we're lost because we are using a map. No wonder you got voted as 'Most Bumbling Half-Demon' ten years straight!"
"I WHAT?!" Gojyo turned around. "Repeat that, Zenon." The unsaid if you dare hung in the air like the smell of Homura's unwashed socks.
"You were the most bumbling half-demon for ten years straight," said Zenon boldly.
Hakkai put a calming hand on Gojyo's shoulder. "Relax, Gojyo, relax, they are gods, you know..."
"Whatever!"
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Zenon countered.
"Damnit, Zenon, if you're hitching a ride just to annoy the hell out of me-"
"Actually, no," murmured Shien.
"Eh?"
"It's not as if I enjoy being anywhere near you!" yelled Zenon, bent on continuing the argument. "If I were Shien, on the other hand-"
"It's because of this," interjected Shien, handing a note to Gojyo, deliberately brushing their hands together in the process. Gojyo merely gave him an odd look, overlooking Shien's graze and read the paper.
To Shien and Zenon,
You have exceeded your weekly limit for our Dissolve-n-Transport service. You will only continue to enjoy our service seven days after this notice is issued.
Thank you.
The Management, Heaven Teleportation Services
"You gods have a limit on that fade away thing?" asked Gojyo, shocked.
Shien shrugged. "It's a cruel Heaven."
"Gee, what else is there about Heaven that I don't know?" asked Gojyo sarcastically.
"Homura calls Rinrei's name 179359374 times daily."
"Not today, though," grimaced Zenon. "Today, it's been Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo. That is one thing I'll never get used to."
"You'll have to if we don't find them soon," said Hakkai.
"Ne, Hakkai... what's Homura going to do to Sanzo? It isn't... anything bad, is it?" asked Goku, concerned.
"Well... nobody knows. That's why we have to find out for ourselves."
"Na, Hakkai..."
"What is it?" Hakkai started Hakuryuu's engine.
"Turn right."
"Eh? Can you smell him?" asked Zenon.
"Yeah, and the ketchup I spilled on him too."
"Damn it, gaki! Why didn't you say so earlier? You could have saved us so much time!"
"He was eating, remember?" said Gojyo. "Everything escapes him when he eats."
~~~
"Homura... your hair is like a moonless night, deprived of the puny stars..."
"Konzen... you smell of a rich, luxurious, tempting ketchup..."
"And your warmth... enough to light my cigarette on a cold night..."
"Your paper fan strikes fear into my heart should I fail to bring you pleasure..."
All these lines, amazingly enough, were spouted without the benefit of guidance from Homura's copy of Romantic Poetry and Prose for Slow Learners.
"I shall now bring two fates together - yours and mine," whispered Homura.
"Homura..."
Homura unfastened one end of his manacles then transferred it onto Sanzo's wrist. That done, Homura bent over Sanzo to fully assault his lips.
It was at that very moment when a familiar jeep burst through the bushes, then came to a complete, screeching halt, without the benefit of its driver's interference. He, and all his passengers, gawked at the sight of Homura Taishi kissing Genjo Sanzo.
"What the @^&!?" exclaimed Gojyo.
Maybe I should get some of that drug for Gojyo, thought Shien.
"Goku, you shouldn't see this..." said Hakkai, promptly placing his hands over Goku's eyes.
"Homura... he... he did it to Sanzo..." mumbled Goku, stupefied.
"I don't think they've-" started Hakkai.
"Does that mean Sanzo doesn't love me anymore?" wailed Goku.
"What have I done?" moaned Shien.
******
Author's Notes: Chapter written by Hikaru. Typing (and gratuitous editing) by Solarwind. Never let me type in the middle of the night again, people.
As a side note, The Author Formerly Known As Bad Faith And Evanescence is now calling herself Avarice Riot. Just so you know.