As I go through my usual evening routine of brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, and removing my makeup, I can't stop staring at my chest in the mirror. It is so bizarre to think that after the surgery my body will be different. I suppose it's a classic case of "you don't know what you have until it's gone," I never really thought about my breasts too often before, but how will I feel without one? Will I feel like less of a woman? And, what about Christian? He says it won't make a difference, but what else is he going to say. He's so terror-stricken by the thought of me dying that I think he would have said anything to get me to agree to this surgery.

I pull up my nightgown as I begin to rub my legs with some of that ridiculously expensive lavender lotion that Christian bought me for Christmas. I look into the mirror again, but this time it is my face that I find striking. The stress of the past few days is etched all over it. I feel at least five years older, and nothing has even happened yet. I cringe as I imagine how much older I will feel when all of this is over- the surgery, the chemo…

"Hey" Christian says softly, staring at me from the door of the bathroom.

I try to respond, but a small sob escapes instead.

"Hey" he repeats as he hugs me from behind. "It's okay baby."

"I'm sorry" I mutter as I wipe away a tear with my hand.

"Tell me what's wrong?" he urges gently as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

"You know what's wrong" I answer shakily.

"Tell me" he presses.

"We're scheduling the mastectomy tomorrow."

"Yes" he answers. "And I plan on pulling strings to get you into surgery as soon as possible."

"What if that isn't what I want?" I ask warily.

"What do you mean?" he asks as he stills.

"What if I don't want you to rush the surgery, what if I want to enjoy the time I have left with-"

"Ana" he scolds gently. "This is some serious shit. The sooner this gets done, the better. I'm not going to let you play with fire here."

"This is hard for me" I say softly.

"I know it is, I know baby" he replies as he holds me tighter. "But you are my strong Ana, you're going to make it through this."

"What if I make it through this, but we don't" I break down and ask at a moment of heightened insecurity.

"Ana" he replies shocked as he turns me around so I'm looking at him. "That is not going to happen."

"It's going to be different" I say as I stare at the floor.

"No" he objects as he tilts my chin so I'm gazing at him "No it's not, this doesn't change anything."

"I'm going to look different" I say, my voice breaking.

"No" he murmurs gently into my ear as he pulls me into his arms. "A very small part of you will look different, but your skin will still be soft, and pale, and flawless" he says running his finger across my collar bone.

"My hair is going to fall out" I add sadly.

"It will grow back" he says smiling into my neck as he kisses it. "And your legs will still be long, and sexy as hell, and your eyes will still be striking blue, and you will still be my Ana."

"I love you" I say smiling slightly as I run my fingers through his hair.

"And I you Mrs. Grey" he says as he takes a deep breath. "You look stunning."

"I look like a wreck" I say rolling my eyes. "And so do you."

"These past few days have been hell" he agrees nodding sympathetically.

"It's going to get worse before it gets better" I add.

"But it will get better" he reminds me, his eyes blazing.

I gaze into his eyes, and for a moment he gives me hope. Hope for the future, hope for what will come when all of this is over, hope that everything really will be okay. As I lean into his chest, with his arms wrapped around me I feel as if nothing could ever hurt me. "I want you" I whisper into his ear.

He lifts me into his arms and kisses me softly. I curl my arms around his neck and intensify the kiss.

He pulls back and gazes into my eyes. "I will always want you Anastasia. Don't ever doubt that. Don't ever doubt my love for you. Don't ever doubt my desire for you. You absolutely bewitch and beguile me. I will never have my fill of you. There will never come a night when I don't want to fall asleep with you in my arms, there will never come a morning when I won't want your blue eyes staring up at me to be the first thing I see."

His words reach deep within me, calming my fears, reassuring me. I try to fight it, but I can't. I begin to cry again.

"Hush now" Christian says as he pulls me closer. "Don't cry Ana, please, it breaks my heart when you cry."

"I'm not sad" I explain shakily. "It's just- I love you so much."

"I love you too" he smiles at me. I begin to kiss him once again, more hungrily than before and something within me relaxes as I feel him moan into my mouth as he walks me to the bedroom. For a little while I can just be with him- just me and him. I forget about this dark cloud hovering my head, It can just be me and him.

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"You okay?" he asks as he trails his finger across my back.

"I'm better than okay" I answer in a teasing tone. "Don't worry you didn't break me."

"You look exquisite."

"I'm sure" I reply rolling my eyes.

"You do" he argues. "The way the light is hitting your skin right now- it's perfect. You are simply beautiful Mrs. Grey."

"Do you think I should call my parents?" I ask changing the subject abruptly.

"It's pretty late" he responds gazing at the clock.

"Ray will still be up" I reply looking down unsure.

"Are you sure you're ready for this Anastasia?"

I nod nervously as I look him in the eye. "I think I need to."

"Okay" he sighs as he hands me the phone. "Do you want me stay?" I nod and grab his hand tightly.

"Please" I say softly.

"Of course" he replies as he kisses my forehead. "It's okay baby, I'm right here."

"Annie" Ray answers nervously. "Why are you calling at this hour? Is everything alright?"

"No" I admit shakily. "No Ray, it isn't."

"What is it?"

"I'm sick Ray" I say swallowing hard.

"Sick? With what?"

"I- I have cancer."

There is a long silence on the line that feels like an eternity. I grasp Christian's hand even tighter and look to him for reassurance.

"It's okay" he mouths as he nods his head and smiles. "You're doing so good."

"Oh Annie" Ray finally replies. It sounds like he's crying. Oh God, poor Ray.

"The doctor thinks I'm going to be okay" I say reassuringly. "But I'm going to need surgery, and chemo-"

"What exactly did the doctor say? What kind of cancer is it?" he asks as he clears his throat.

"It's breast cancer. Stage II."

"Oh God" he gasps. "You're so young."

"I'm not going to die" I respond, the words spilling out of my mouth before I've really thought them through. I think I'm trying to reassure myself more than him.

"Of course you're not Annie" Ray says softly. "You're strong, and healthy."

"Right" I agree.

"The surgery, when is it?" he asks as hear the rustle of papers on the other line.

"I'm not sure, we're going to schedule it tomorrow."

"Oh" he answers. "Well you let me know when you've figured it out. I'll be there."

"You don't have to" I argue.

"None of that Annie" he responds sternly. "You're my little girl, of course I'll be there. Does your mother know about this?"

"No" I admit sheepishly. "So far it's just you, and me, and Christian- and the doctor."

"I'm glad you told me" he replies. "I'm so glad you told me Annie. You call me if you need anything."

"I will, thank you daddy" I say as I fight tears.

"It's going to be okay sweetheart. I love you" he says as his voice breaks.

"Oh daddy" I sigh. "I love you too."

"You okay?" Christian sighs as I hang up.

"Not really" I answer. "That was harder than I expected. I don't know how I'm going to do that again with my mom, and Kate, and your family-"

"I can handle that if you want" he offers as he strokes my cheek.

"No" I shake my head. "I should at least be the one to tell my mother. But I don't think I can do it tonight."

"We'll handle it in the morning" Christian says as he pulls me into his arms. "For right now you need rest baby, you've had a long day."

I close my eyes, but sleep does not come as easily as I expected. The events from the past few days play through my head like a bad movie.

"I'm afraid that we spotted some abnormalities in the images form the mammography we performed during your last visit."

"You're my life Ana. If you die I die."

"I'm afraid it's bad news Ana"

"The test was positive, I-I have cancer"

"You have stage II cancer, the cancer hasn't spread outside your breast. However, the cancer has spread within your breast."

"Okay, I'll do it. I'll get the mastectomy."

"This is some serious shit. The sooner this gets done, the better. I'm not going to let you play with fire here."

"Oh God, you're so young."

I sniffle as more tears run down my cheeks.

"Shh" Christian says gently as he pulls me closer to him. "It's okay baby, it's all going to be okay."

I nod as I pull myself together, but I'm not really sure if I believe him or not. This just seems so much bigger than me, it seems so impossible to handle, and deep down inside I'm not really sure. I'm not really sure if it will all be okay, and absolutely scares the shit out of me.

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