Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue or any of the characters.

Thanks as always for the review, favs and follows and for reading. To the guest who had to check whether oneiric was the same onanism that was most amusing. It is quite possible, given her dreams, Holly was in something of an onanistic state as well, at least one of the definitions of it ;)

Hope you enjoy this. I've struggled a little with this chapter – which may be because it's 41 degrees outside (about 106 Fahrenheit for American readers) so my brain could be in the process of frying. Let me know what you think. I always love to hear from you.

I'll probably try and update Breaking Through before this fic. I'll see how things go.

...

'Okay,' Gail said, 'do you want to rest on the couch. I'll get some more pillows for you. Then I'll make dinner and we can talk.'

'Soup?' Holly said feebly. Not five hours ago she was wishing for a girlfriend who'd bring her home from the hospital, prop her up in bed with pillows and make her soup. And here was Gail doing just that. Well not the hospital bit, but that could be excused given Gail was keeping a low profile for whatever reason.

'Soup? You want soup?' Gail asked, surprised, 'isn't it too warm for soup? I was going to make a salad and grill some chicken, but I guess I can do soup if that's what you want.'

Holly stared at Gail without responding. Was this in fact dream Gail? Had Holly once again conjured her? Made her into the girlfriend she wanted as opposed to the elusive ex, maybe something more, who she may or may not have had sex with in the middle of the night a month back.

Gail shifted a little awkwardly under Holly's scrutiny, biting her bottom lip. It made Holly take Gail's hand, which felt unmistakably real, and bring it to her lips to place a gentle, almost reverential, kiss.

'You are real,' she breathed.

'Ye-ah,' Gail drew out the word at the obviousness of the statement, although her expression remained uncertain. Concerned even. 'Are you okay, Holly?' she asked, 'you didn't hit your head did you? Lisa didn't mention anything about a concussion.'

Holly couldn't help herself. She leaned towards Gail and kissed her. A soft brush against Gail's lips, those lips still quirked in confusion. Holly pulled back, just briefly, before smiling and leaning in again, her kiss firmer. Gail caught on then and Holly could feel her grin and return the pressure of the kiss. Holly tugged a little on Gail's top lip, and the sweetest sound escaped that beautifully shaped mouth. Part sigh, not quite a moan but enough to make Holly keep on.

Really Holly should have anticipated this would happen. She could never be near Gail without wanting to touch her and be touched, to kiss and oh so much more. So even though the sensible part of her brain told her to slow down, and even though just moments ago Gail had led her to the couch and held her gently, comfortingly, Holly's body had other ideas. It was as if her response to Gail was involuntary, a reflex like muscle memory.

Still, some very small part of Holly's frontal lobe was berating her for giving in so easily to the longing, the desire Gail always triggered. It was swift and unrestrained. Concupiscence. That was a word for it. In Christian theology, it referred to the appetites of the flesh, which vanquished all reason. Yet what Holly felt wasn't simply lust. No, it was tinged with a sort of ache for Gail, the sense always that this, in fact they were inevitable, and that that inevitability had a rightness to it, a truth that couldn't be denied.

Gail had said they would talk. That's what Holly should be doing, getting answers to all those questions, not kissing Gail as if those sex dreams, which had shadowed her this past month, had sent her libido through the roof.

The progression of the kiss, so tongues were involved, and Gail had her hands cupped around Holly's face, was seamless. As too, at first, was Holly's movement to push Gail back on the couch and to follow, her brain several steps ahead as she imagined running her hand up under Gail's t-shirt and trailing hot kisses along her collarbone, and then what would inevitably come next. But as Holly shifted forward, pain shot through her leg and she let out a little gasp. Gail sat up immediately, pulling away and then standing, her expression contrite.

'Oh god we shouldn't be doing this,' she said, 'you are on painkillers and injured and I'm, I shouldn't be here, ' Gail finished lamely.

'Don't you dare go,' Holly hissed, her vehemence taking them both by surprise.

'I'm not going anywhere. I'm making dinner,' Gail said retreating to the kitchen and regarding Holly from the other side of the counter. She looked contrite again, and a tad uncomfortable. Guilty? Holly couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Gail opened the fridge and regarded the contents.

'You won't find any food there,' Holly sighed, 'I haven't had time to stock up.'

'It's okay. I went shopping on the way over,' Gail said as if this were the most normal thing in the world, 'when did you stop looking after yourself nerd?'

Probably about the time you reappeared in my life, Holly thought but didn't say so. The fact was she had allowed Gail, or more to the point the absence of Gail, to distract her from her normal routines. Healthy eating and regular exercise and catching up with friends and dating pleasant women with whom she sometimes had pleasant sex. An ordered and controlled life with no surprises and no demands, or even challenges apart from work; a life with nothing of the whirlwind that was Gail Peck.

So instead of saying these things or asking questions like who was Gail really working for, and how had she known Holly was hurt, and who was she talking to on the phone just then, and why was her blood on Dani Asbar's jacket, Holly deflected. 'Since when did you cook,' she said.

'I've always cooked. We weren't together long enough for you to find out,' Gail shrugged, 'anyway I only cook when it's worthwhile.'

Worthwhile. What did she mean by that, Holly wondered. Was Gail referring to her? 'Am I worthwhile?' she asked, trying for a glib but failing utterly, instead hearing the wavering streaks of vulnerability in her voice.

Gail, who by this time had sliced the chicken breasts and was making a marinade of garlic and ginger and chili and lime and oil, looked up sharply. Then her face softened. 'You are the only worthwhile thing,' she said tenderly, a touch shyly as if she was unsure how this revelation would be received. Her voice was barely a whisper like she was speaking under her breath rather than to Holly.

Holly couldn't help it. She smiled at Gail, a hopeful smile that almost immediately turned wistful. There was no sugar coating it. What use were Gail's words when she was so elusive she was essentially a chimera? When the likelihood of a future together was more fantastical than trying to predict when Gail would next make a random appearance.

Holly's smile must have faltered because Gail's expression turned serious. Once again it was like she knew exactly what Holly was thinking. Like she had an ability to read Holly. Then Gail shook her head as if to clear it and looked at Holly mischievously, the corners of her lips upturned.

'What?' Holly asked.

'I would kiss you,' Gail offered, her customary swagger back in place, 'but I'm not sure that would be helpful seeing as you can't keep your hands off me.'

'Huh, me keep my hands off you,' Holly teased, 'who is it that keeps reappearing unannounced?'

It was silly talk but it broke the moment. A raw fragile moment neither was quite prepared to fully acknowledge because it meant admitting to feelings, huge, breathtaking feelings. At least that's what it seemed like to Holly.

The thing was Holly knew why she allowed Gail to turn her world upside down again and again. Why Gail pervaded not only Holly's dreams but her waking moments as well, so much so it felt as if she carried Gail with her always, an imprint so impossibly tangible it seemed real rather than imagined. Quite simply she was in love with Gail Peck. It made sense and was insane, but felt absolutely right.

But the most overwhelming thing about those feelings was the fear, hollow and paralyzing, that Gail may not feel the same way. Yet Gail kept showing up, kept coming back to Holly. That had to mean something, right. And back in New York when Gail left in the morning, Holly had been convinced Gail was trying to say she loved her. Lying here on the couch while Gail prepared dinner, Holly knew one thing for sure. Loving Gail meant a whole lot of trouble.

She realized Gail was speaking and she hadn't been listening. 'Wwhat?'

'Are you okay, Holly?' Gail asked, 'you seemed, I dunno, somewhere else.'

'What is really going on with you Gail?' Holly found herself blurting out. At least it stopped her from confessing her love.

'Thing is I can't really tell you.' Gail was biting her lip again.

'Gail,' Holly drew out her name warningly.

'Okay, okay. I'm working undercover.'

'With the police?'

'Um,' Gail hesitated, 'you could say it's related to law enforcement.'

Holly looked at Gail disbelievingly. 'Is that all you're giving me?

Gail nodded apologetically. 'It's all I can.'

'Okay, so why are Sam and Frankie convinced you're corrupt?'

'There were plenty of rumors after Steve and my parents were arrested. I just fed them. It's part of my cover. Keeps all those idiots at 15 safe. It's better they believe I'm just another rotten Peck. Which I'm not. You have to believe that, Holly.'

'I never thought you were corrupt,' Holly said without hesitation.

Gail nodded and then paused, the knife she was now using to slice cucumber for the salad suspended in the air. She worried at her bottom lip once more. Clearly, she was holding something back. 'Is it okay if there are no tomatoes in the salad,' she said finally.

'What?' Holly said, confused. This surely was not the reason for Gail's hesitation. Who cared about the tomatoes? Well, actually Holly cared because if she ate tomatoes she couldn't kiss Gail and, even though it felt like Gail wasn't being entirely straight with her, Holly really wanted to kiss her again. Which was stupid because how could she keep kissing someone when nothing made sense. Nothing that is, apart from the fact Holly loved Gail.

'No tomatoes. I'm allergic, remember.'

'Of course, I remember,' Holly said, and colored a little. She was fairly certain she remembered every detail, small and large, she'd ever gleaned about Gail. Not that Gail knew that. It was probably unlikely too, in fact too much to hope, Holly decided, that Gail would have her own inventory of Holly.

'Most people don't remember.'

'What, are you planning on kissing me some more later?' Holly could have kicked herself. Just when she should be pressing for explanations, she'd gone all flirty.

'Well, it's an established fact you can't keep your hands off me, Stewart,' Gail smiled.

Focus, Holly said to herself. Don't let Gail sidetrack you. The phrase the face that launched a thousand ships popped in her head. Was Gail her Helen of Troy? Would she metaphorically speaking send a thousand ships to save her?

Honey, what is it really?' Holly said.

Gail put down the knife. Her expression now serious. 'I shouldn't have told you even this much. I should have just let you think I was crooked.'

'Why?'

'It's the best way to protect you. Keeping my distance. They're not happy about it at work. I'm not supposed to see you.'

'So why do you keep showing up?' Holly said, feeling irritated, well actually angry, that Gail's work could dictate who she could see.

'The first two times were accidents. San Francisco and New York. Then I had no choice when I was stabbed. I couldn't ask anyone else for help, not without breaking cover.'

'And today?'

'It's my fault you got hurt. I needed to make that right.'

''So it boils down to chance, pure pragmatism and guilt.' Holly said. She knew she sounded bitter. Disappointed. Yep, she was crazy to think there was any prospect of a relationship with Gail. Crazy to think, even for a moment, Gail felt the same way she did.

'Oh god no,' Gail dropped the knife on the counter with a clatter. 'I can't stay away from you. Don't you see that? And it's selfish and it's stupid.'

'Stupid?' Holly blinked, trying to process what Gail was saying. If she was confused before, now she was completely perplexed. On the one hand, like Holly, it seemed Gail felt that pull, that sense, no that certainty they had to be together. Yet she just described it as stupid.

'Yeah,' Gail sighed heavily, 'because even though I'm careful I make you a target and that is so unbelievably stupid.'

'I can handle Swarek and Anderson.'

'Holly, it's not them I'm worried about,' Gail said quietly.

'Then who?'

Before Gail could answer there was a tap tap tapping on the door. Holly recognized it as Lisa. The same knock – almost like a code – of the night before. Gail, however, put a finger to her lips and moved to flatten herself against the corridor wall. She had a gun in her hand, which seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

'It's just,' Holly started to say but Gail motioned her to be quiet. Lisa must have decided to use her key because next thing they heard the sound of it in the lock and the door swung open. Lisa had dressed in her trench coat and dark glasses again, and carrying a big bunch of roses. When she saw Gail she shrieked and dropped the roses.

'What the fuck Peck. Can you stop pointing guns at me.'

'I wouldn't have thought a gun would put you off Marta Hari,' Gail sneered, lowering the weapon.

'Nice,' Lisa said advancing down the corridor, 'I come to check on your girlfriend and this is what I get.'

'Girlfriend,' Gail stuttered at the same time Holly said 'girlfriend', sounding equally confused.

'Oh would you two stop being idiots about this,' Lisa waved her hand around airily and plopped herself on the couch next to Holly. She'd scooped up the roses, which she now handed to Holly. 'These are for you.'

'Lisa, you didn't have to get flowers,' Holly protested, 'you've already done so much for me today.'

'I didn't get them,' Lisa shrugged, 'a delivery guy gave them to me outside. When I realized he was looking for your apartment, I offered to take them. What the–'

Before Lisa could finish her explanation, Gail grabbed the roses and tugged off the brightly colored paper in which they were wrapped. Finding nothing there, she went back to the wrapping and pulled off a card attached to it.

'Dear Doctor Stewart, wishing you a speedy recovery. No hard feelings. Sam and Frankie,' Gail read, her face wrinkling in disgust. 'What the fuck?'

'Was it their fault you got hurt?' Lisa asked, her eyes wide with outrage, 'why didn't you tell me.'

Holly shrugged. 'It didn't seem important.'

'I'm going to throw these roses out,' Gail said, partly to change the focus because she sensed Holly wasn't up to a grilling from Lisa, however well intentioned.

'Could you just shoot them,' Holly said, and when Gail quirked an eyebrow, she added, 'rather than throw them out.'

'I've got a better idea. Why don't you just shoot Swarek and Anderson,' Lisa suggested.

'Don't tempt me, Lisa,' Gail laughed wryly, and there was that undertone again. The one that to Holly sounded deadly serious.

At Gail's invitation, Lisa stayed for dinner. Holly would have found it strange except for a sneaking suspicion Gail was keeping Lisa around so she didn't have to answer any more questions. Although, Holly noticed the two appeared to have formed some sort of weird alliance around her. At least Lisa took off her trench coat and sunglasses to have dinner.

'I should check how your wound is healing,' Lisa offered to Gail as they cleared away the meal, 'see if there's any scarring.'

'Oh it's healed well,' said Holly, who was back on the couch, 'only the faintest scar and that should fade.'

'When did you take a look at it?' Lisa asked.

Holly blushed. She'd kissed that scar. Gently run her fingers and then her tongue along it; thankful the knife was plunged into this spot and not further down where Gail's heart sat. Then Holly had placed her head on Gail's chest and listened to the beat of that heart and felt the steady rise and fall of Gail's breathing. And really when she thought about it, it was in that moment she knew with absolute certainty she loved Gail.

On some level, she'd always known, but it was then that it finally crystallized, took shape in Holly's own heart, so she could no longer deny it. Gail had encircled Holly in her arms and pulled her closer, the tightness of the embrace making Holly convinced Gail knew exactly what she was feeling. The images were so vivid they had to be real. Didn't they?

'Um, Gail told me. Yes, that's it,' Holly said, conscious of how flustered she sounded and the inadequacy of the explanation, 'I must have asked.'

Lisa looked at her oddly and Gail smirked.

'Did you, Holly?' Gail said, 'you must have done. Here take a look.' She pulled down her t-shirt on one side to reveal the scar, looking pretty much as Holly described. A little fainter maybe.

'Oh that will definitely fade,' Lisa said, smug, 'good thing I re-did the sutures.'

Holly looked at Gail then. Her haircut. It was exactly the same as it was that night. Blonde and cut a little longer on one side. Gail came to sit by Holly and again pulled down her t-shirt so Holly could get a closer look at the scar. Holly couldn't help herself. She ran her fingers lightly over it. Gail shivered slightly and, smiling, bit down gently on her lip. Holly didn't conceal her look of triumph, or was it vindication. Their eyes were locked now, and Holly knew, Holly could tell for sure, Gail was remembering the same things. The same night.

'Oh Jesus, I'd say get a room but as your doctor Holly I would advise against strenuous activity,' Lisa cut in.

Lisa left then, but not before insisting Holly take some more pain meds, and cautioning once again against sex. Gail rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. Finally, Lisa let herself out, the trench coat firmly belted in place, but sans the sunglasses. Which, given it was pitch black outside, was probably a good move, Holly noted with amusement.

'Is Lisa trying to draw attention to herself?' Gail deadpanned and Holly laughed.

In bed, Gail placed an arm around Holly's waist and pressed against her back. If she hadn't gone to San Francisco, this could have been the way it was every night, Holly thought. Had she stayed, Holly knew there was no way she would have let Gail run when Steve was charged and the Peck parents disgraced. Why had leaving seemed such a good idea? Why had Holly given into her fears and done her own running?

'It happened didn't it,' Holly said abruptly. She was already a little woozy from the painkillers and realized she probably wasn't making a lot of sense. She recalled too there was something else, something far more pressing she needed to ask Gail. It was hovering there on the fringes of her consciousness but every time Holly tried to grab it, it scooted away. It was too exhausting to figure out now. She'd remember in the morning, Holly decided.

'What happened?'

'That night it was real.'

Gail kissed the side of her neck. Tenderly. Slowly. 'You overthink things, nerd,' she chuckled softly, 'sleep now.'

…

The sky was beginning to lighten when Holly was woken up. It wasn't a noise or a movement that woke her for Gail was being incredibly stealthy. More like a feeling. Holly had slept well up until then. In fact one of the best sleeps since being visited by those dreams of Gail. Consequently, Holly was immediately alert.

She really shouldn't have been surprised by what she saw when she opened her eyes, but she had stupidly allowed herself to believe Gail meant it when she said she would stay. Gail was getting dressed. She had her t-shirt on and was slipping a leg into her jeans. She must have become aware Holly was watching because she stopped, the leg of the jeans half on, Gail herself balancing on one leg and not taking her eyes off Holly. It was her expression that really got to Holly, though. Neutral. Nothing. Zilch. Like yesterday hadn't happened or indeed anything before that. Like sneaking out at first light didn't matter. Like Holly didn't matter.

'What are you doing,' Holly said, sitting up.

'Look, I have to go. I'm sorry,' Gail started.

'Don't,' Holly interrupted, annunciating every word, 'say you're sorry again.'

Gail bit her lip hard. 'This,' she gestured between herself and Holly, 'is a fantasy. It can't work. I was kidding myself.'

'Did you kill Dani Asbar?' Holly knew she was lashing out, but as she spoke she also realized this was the niggling question she had wanted to ask Gail last night.

'What? No,' Gail screwed up her face, 'we went to mop up afterward.'

'So that's not where you were stabbed? You didn't get into a scuffle with Asbar?'

Gail looked at Holly, her face hard and pinched. It was like she was trying to figure out what Holly had on her, or if she indeed had anything. Gail's expression was so calculating, so shrewd it took Holly's breath away. It was if she'd been literally winded. Holly thought she might prefer the neutral look to this. Should she tell Gail they had found her blood on Asbar's coat? Holly went to speak but found she couldn't.

'No,' Gail said at last and with finality, her voice flat and tired. She pulled on her jeans and picked up her boots and started to walk out. When she reached the door, Gail didn't turn around but she stopped. 'I am sorry but this is best. You need to understand that. I can't let anything happen to you.'

'Why do you get to decide that?'

'I,' Gail turned around then, her voice softening, 'you were right. This is madness. I'm bad news, Holly. You don't need me around.'

'And what if I want you around?'

'You don't. This is my life now. This is all I can offer. Nothing and a whole bunch of crap. You deserve so much more. And don't worry about Swarek and Anderson. They won't bother you again.' Then she was gone.

Holly lay back on the bed with a groan. Why, given all the possible people she could love in this universe, did it have to be Gail? And why, despite Gail's intransigence, despite her insistence Holly was better off without her, did Holly get the feeling Gail was struggling to remain resolute? Then Holly remembered what Gail had said that night, the one Holly was so certain was not a dream. When Holly had wondered aloud if what they were doing was madness. 'It can't be madness because with you it just makes sense,' Gail had told Holly.