I had spent the remainder of the period hiding out on the roof before I was ratted out by the janitor who'd seen me scale the fire escape after hauling ass out of P.E. class.

It was nice up there while it lasted. It beat the bathroom by a mile. #newlunchspot

However, I was now getting my ass chewed by a particularly red-faced Chairman Suoh. Or "Uncle" I suppose, but in this moment "Chairman Suoh" seemed much more fitting.

Fucking janitors always fucking me over and getting me in trouble for punching punk bitches.

"Miss Hale! When I said I wanted a check-up, I didn't mean in the middle of your first day! And certainly not for something like this. Do you understand why I am upset?"

"Not entirely."

"You physically assaulted another student."

"He was being a sexist and misogynistic pig."

"…Nonetheless, you cannot punch the lights out of students in Physical Education class just because he angered you."

"So are you saying that I can punch the lights out of students in other classes because they anger me?"

"No! You cannot punch any students' lights out in any class."

"But why. He told me I should transfer out so I wouldn't break a precious nail! He deserved it!"

"…Look… we are essentially running a business here. We will not get a very good reputation if we have students assaulting other students. I should suspend you," I flinched. Way to fuck it up Hale. First day. 10 out of 10. Nice going. "But…because you are the daughter of a family friend-"

"I- oh geez… Suoh, how could I have forgotten? You always brought me French chocolate when you came to visit."

"So you do remember me." He chuckled. He was the only associate of my father's that I wouldn't fuck with. And now he was here, chewing my ass.

"Nostalgia aside, I will give you a second chance and let you off with a warning… and week of detention to be served during your lunch hour. But if I hear about you repeating this offence again, I regret to inform you that you will have to be severely punished."

I felt the need to complain, but I realized that he was being extra lenient with me and I should be grateful, so I simply forced myself to nod and thank him quietly.

I got up and crossed the expansive room to the large doors blocking me from my route to my last class, which I was once again late for.

Christ I just wanted to sleep.

As I strolled in late to class, I really wasn't in the mood to do any introductions at that point, so I ignored the teacher when he tried to catch my attention and wordless walked to an empty seat in the back. The teacher, who I am very sure could've cared less at that point, wanted class to be over as much as the rest of us and returned to his lesson plan without a second glance to me.

I put my head down and the desk and tried to get some much needed shut-eye.

Key word: tried.

Key phrase: tried and failed.

This was resultant of two syphilis-zoos sitting in front of me who decided that it would be a good idea to try and talk to me.

"Hey."

"…" I neglected to give a fuck about whoever was talking to me and ignored them. I've dealt with too much shit today.

"Kaoru why isn't she saying anything?"

"I don't know, maybe she's dead."

"She's not dead, just rude."

"Yes. Much rude. Very offense," I said groggily as I nodding in agreement to the second voice's statement, my head still on the table. Hopefully that would get them off my back because I really really just wanted to sleep.

"Maybe she just needs some… convincing…" I heard the first voice trail off.

I glanced up to see what they were up to and found myself face to face with clones. Literally:

Face

to

face

Well… face to face for a moment…before I yelped and fell backwards in my chair and crashed to the floor.

I rubbed the back of my head where it hit the ground and blushed as I found the whole class watching me. I figured that it was nearing the end of class because order only declined from that point onward, everyone leaving me on my own to get my life together while they began packing up and talking to their friends.

"Dammit, I knew I was going to die because of my clumsiness! I fucking knew it!" I muttered.

"Um… are you okay?" Clone One asked carefully.

"What kind of idiot falls off their chair?" Clone Two said.

As I got up to hit Clone Two (obviously forgetting my lecture from "Uncle" mere minutes ago about no fighting) I heard another, thankfully familiar, voice call my name.

"Kaeden? Is that you falling over and breaking things again?"

"Haruhi?!" I asked excitedly.

I saw him poke his head around the freaks of nature and in that moment I was so beyond happy you don't even know.

"Haruhi! Dude! You're here! In this class! With me! I'm not alone!" I pounced on him and gave him a huge bear hug. "Thank god there is at least one sane person in this madhouse!"

"Woah, Haruhi, do you know this clutz?" Clone Two asked.

"Yeah. We're neighbors. She's the other commoner that attends Ouran."

"Oh so you're a commoner?" asked Clone One.

"Yessiree," I responded, excitedly flashing a huge grin. I turned to Haruhi in hopes of decoding some of the day's craziness.

"You'll never believe the day I've had..."

Then the bell rang.

Fuck that bell in the ass.

Fuck it sideways.

Inside out.

Upside down.

In the bathroom.

With an alligator coated in spikes because that bell is a cocksucking whore.

You hear that bell?! You inbred piece of semen-melon!

I was so caught up with mentally insulting the bell I didn't even hear Haruhi.

"I'm sorry Haruhi, what'd you say?"

He sighed at my inattentiveness but repeated his words nonetheless. "I said, if you want, you can come to the Host Club today. We could talk there and I'll explain the whole situation from this morning and then we could walk home together."

I contemplated his offer and realized the only better thing to do was go home and clean up the mess I made this morning in my frantic scramble to get ready for school.

Decisions decisions: clean… go hang with cool sane person… clean… go hang with cool sane person…

I decided to go hang with cool sane person.

Shocker

"That sounds fantastic!" I noticed Clone Two glaring daggers at me as I answered Haruhi, and I stuck my tongue out at him as he left. "What's their deal?"

"Oh just ignore them. They're goofballs."

"Can do Captain Haruhi! Now, what is the Host Club anyways? I met some third years who were also apparently in it as well."

"In the words of the 'King:' "The Ouran Host Club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands.'" He recited sarcastically.

"Soooo…. You guys are like hookers."

He gave me a weird look before bursting out in uncontrollable laughter. I tried to imagine the two third years (what were their names? Giant and kiddo?) in corsets, fishnets, and way too much makeup. It was beautiful.

I'd pay to see that.

"No no nothing like that. We just sit around and talk to girls all day. It's not that bad. And you must have met Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai. They're also in the host club."

"Those two are weird as fuck. And sitting around and talking to girls all day sounds like torture. 'Oh Haruhi tell me I'm pretty.' 'Do I look fat in this dress Haruhi?' 'Oh Haruhi! My daddy is so mean! He bought me a burgundy Ferrari rather than a crimson one!'" I began mimicking a high-pitched female voice I would associate with some of the basic bitches I had observed that attended this school. He continued laughing as we walked through the halls.

"It's actually not as bad as you would think. There are some shallow girls, but there are lots of genuine ones too. I'm lucky enough to get most of the latter type." We eventually came to a stop in front of a pair of white double doors. I read the plaque with the room's name on it.

"Music Room #3? Are you guys secretly a band or something?"

"No," he chuckled, "I don't know why they choose this room to be honest. I stumbled through here not to long ago looking for a place to study and… the rest is history."

I followed him through the doors, only to be met with a blinding white light and… the fuck? Are those… rose petals?

"Welcome," I heard a group of voices call.

"Oh, it's just Haruhi and… Kae-chan?" I heard a voice say.

"My name is Kaeden thanks!" I corrected, still trying to regain vision in my eyes and peeling petals of my person.

"Well, sorry to disappoint you all," Haruhi said sarcastically.

"No no! Daddy is always happy to see you!"

Oh god not him.

I looked up to find that blonde moron from my second year classes suffocating a very unhappy looking Haruhi.

"Yo! Hands-off the homie before I give you a reminder of what we learned in class today." I threatened.

"What? Why is she here?! Haruhi did you let her into our sacred home?!" Tamaki whined from behind Haruhi.

"She's my friend, senpai." Haruhi said matter-of-factly, removing the blond from his person.

"H-Haruhi… I forbid you to hang out with this... this… delinquent! She'll sully you! You should've seen what she did to Daddy today! Mommy, you saw! Don't let her corrupt my sweet child!" He shouted, cuddling Haruhi closer.

He got fed up of his whiney attitude pretty damn quick because in less than a minute he had hit him over the head, scolded him, and he was now sitting in his emo corner like a little bitch.

"Daddy? Mommy? Haruhi what kind of kinky shit…?" I trailed off with a confused chuckle, completely lost. Either this Host Club was really perverted or just really awkward.

"I'm afraid we don't have time to answer your questions ma'am, as the Host Club is about to begin. I'm also afraid you don't have an appointment…" A steely voice stated. I slowly turned around to face who'd had spoken, almost to the point of shaking.

No. Fucking. Way. Are you actually kidding me?

He just had to make it worse though, didn't he?

"You?! What the hell are you doing here?"

"Look what the Host Club's little dog dragged in," He continued as if I hadn't spoken at all. I found myself facing a very smug looking Kyoya, and I was so ready to give him a piece of my fist mind when I remembered Chairman Suoh's warning about fighting.

I took a deep breath and went to my happy place.

Happy place~ Happy place~ Dismembering Kyoya in my happy place~

"Oh hush Kyoya-senpai, she can sit with me today, that's why I invited her after all."

"At least he likes me, unlike all of you crazies." I muttered pointedly.

Before I could fully understand just what the actual fuck was happening in this wacked out Host Club, the door open and horde of what was obviously fangirls flooded in.

Within thirty seconds the room was swamped with girls producing so much estrogen you could choke on it.

I guess Haruhi didn't have an appointment until a little later on, so he got to sit with me as I observed the fuckery happening around me.

After regaining my ability to breathe, I found that the hosts and their "clients" were separated into small groups around tables.

First I saw the clones over the far right. They seemed to just be talking with the girls until Clone One began to fall over in his chair like I had earlier today. Then Clone Two caught him and they had some weird lovey-dovey bullshit moment.

He was a dick when I fell over earlier but now…

"Oh Hikaru, you saved me!" Clone One exclaimed from his position in the other clone's arm.

"Kaoru, you know I will always catch you when you fall." Clone Twat Two replied, his face far too close to be anything innocent.

Then all the girls squealed like orgasming pigs I swear I felt my temporal lobe explode.

I clutched my ears as they viciously bled and moved my gaze to the back of the room, where I found the weirdo third years from space.

The little kid was basically stuffing as much cake in his mouth as physically possible (and then some), and his partner in crime, the Silent Giant, just sat there watching. No words. No expressions.

Simple, easy, straight to the point. Big enough to kick your ass to Jupiter and back.

I respect Silent Giant.

I moved on from the inhuman display of cake-eating skills to find bitch-boy in the middle of the room, serenading a few dim females with literally the most generic answers ever.

"Tamaki-senpai, what's your favorite color?"

"The one that reminds me of your sparkling eyes of course my dear~."

"Oh Tamaki-senpai! What' your favorite food?"

"I love anything so long as you feed it to me darling~."

I suppressed the urge to groan and failed. He's like a bad dating sim. How do they even tie their shoes in the morning if they are dumb enough to swoon over his bullshit nonspecific answers? At least the gremlin has a talent, albeit a terrifying and rather unhealthy one.

I heard the distant *clack* of computer keys and turned to find Mister Cocksucker wasting his life away on his laptop at the table across from us.

He could be watching gay porn, or he could be on the deep web, hiring an assassin to kill me. I guess we'll never know.

Until I die mysteriously; then we'll know.

"Haruhi…"

"Hm?" He responded, clearly occupied with what looked to be his textbook.

"What the fuck is this place?" He sighed, and closed his textbook, rubbing his eyes as if he were as done with this place as I was.

"I asked myself that same question when I first walked in here. And to be honest… I still have no idea."

"No offense, but why are you even here? I don't know you all that well but this doesn't really seem to be your gig."

"You know it's a rather long story-"

"That I'm sure he would love to tell you, but unfortunately he currently is needed bringing tea to our positively parched guests." Interrupted the person who was quickly becoming enemy number one.

"Senpai, I don't think anyone needs tea right-"

"Now, Haruhi." He rolled his eyes and threw me an apologetic glance before making his way to the back room to, I suspect, where the kitchen was located.

"Geez so you're just a dick to everyone, huh?" I asked, sliding into the chair across from him.

He didn't bother to grace me with a response, focusing solely on his work, and that wasn't going to fly with me.

"Well, since you interrupted Haruhi before he could tell me what the fuck this place is on, why don't you tell me, oh knowledgeable one." He meticulously closed his laptop, careful to not let the undoubtedly overwhelming sense of irritation show on his face.

"The Ouran Host Club is where the school's handsomest-"

"Boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands, yada yada yada, already heard it thanks." He glared at my interruption but I trudged onward. "What I want to know is what the hell is going on here. For realsies." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"The Host Club is a place where we entertain young ladies with our company. Many times we do what you see here, simple socializing, but sometimes we hold themed days or events. Each host has a type," he gestured around the room to the acts I had already seen "the Little Devils, the Loli-Shota, the Wild type, and the Prince Charming. You friend Haruhi there is the natural type. Our club utilizes each man's individual characteristics to carter to the needs of our guests." I nodded, faking like I was deep in thought.

"And what are you, the asshole type? Is that why you don't have any clients? Because no one likes you?" He rolled his eyes.

"You're sitting here, aren't you?"

"Yeah, to piss you off. Is it working?"

"Hardly." He responded in a monotone, returning to working on his laptop.

"Guess I'll have to try a little harder then."

"Do your worst." I sat in silence for a moment, realizing I was more a girl of words than a girl of action, when I decided I might as well do what I do best: being a nuisance who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up.

"Sooo… whatcha doing?"

"I'm working." He replied curtly.

"On what."

"The club finances."

"Finances?"

"Yes. Budgeting and such - it's quite simple really. Now, I knew you were daft but it seems you're worse off than I thought."

"I'm going to ignore that in lieu of asking the important question: you really charge girls to sit here and talk to you assholes?"

"Hardly. All the money we make comes from merchandise sales."

"Merchandise sales? You're lying."

"Not at all." And then seemingly out of nowhere he pulled out a stack of photo books with a picture of the hosts' gleaming smiles of the front of each glossy cover.

What has this world come to…" I muttered as I flipped through the books. There was everything from glamour shots to sexy shirtless photos to themed costumes. It was ridiculous.

"And girls actually buy this?" I asked in disbelief, tossing the photo books back onto the table.

"Why yes, they're quite popular actually." I clicked my tongue and shrugged.

"Huh. Well, to each their own I suppose."

"Indeed. What's your fancy then, Kaeden." He sneered.

"Not you, that's for damn sure." I answered icily.

"No, I suppose not. You made that awfully clear last week, and yet you turn up here, not but a few days later. You're not following me, are you?" He asked, smirking.

"You wish, creep. I can guarantee it was my intention to get as far away from you as physically possible."

"Yes, well. Looks like the product of divine intervention."

"More like a satanic one if you ask me…" I mumbled under my breath. It was then that Haruhi returned, tea set in hand.

"Well it looks like you two are getting along."

"I would hardly-"

"Are you kidding-" Kyoya and I glared at each other as we simultaneously trailed off.

"I have some clients coming in soon. Would you like to sit with me Kaeden?"

"Gladly." I responded as I picked up my book bag and shuffled out of my seat. I glared at Kyoya over my shoulder as I left, and the smirk he gave me back left me feeling like he was plotting something…

I checked the time and quickly realized that I had spent almost over an hour watching Haruhi talk with the ladies, and it was honestly? Actually pretty fascinating. This entire place was like a fucking acid trip and watching the hosts perform the same acts over and over again (and watching every new batch of girls fall for it) was like a god damn fever dream.

It wasn't long before Dildotree officially closed up the club and wished the ladies, "a safe travel home and swift return, for we, at the Host Club, are awaiting your return."

I flopped down on the couch waiting for Haruhi to finish whatever business he had before leaving when Clone Two (Hikaru, as he was called earlier I believe) approached me.

"What're you still doing here?"

"Me?"

"Yes you. Who else would I be talking to?"

"Well, fucknut, I'm waiting for Haruhi for your information."

"Haruhi doesn't need you. She has us, and we're all she'll ever need."

"She?" I raised my eyebrows in disbelief, "She? You know, I already thought you guys were assholes but man, are you a real piece of work. How dare you disrespect Haruhi's-"

"What? No, it's not like that at all!" He yelled in a panicked state.

"Not like what? Haruhi has as much of a right to being properly identified as you or I and it's exceptionally rude for you to walk all over that and act like you can just-"

"Woah, what am I missing." Asked Haruhi as he emerged from the back room.

"Nothing Haruhi, I'm handling it. We can leave in a second." I responded to him apologetically as I turned to finish off what was left of the ginger menace.

"You on the other hand-"

"Haruhi, please explain to her the situation. I'm not a mean person I swear it's not what it seems-"

"Stop it both of you!" Haruhi yelled, firmly rooting himself between us, "Now tell me what is going on."

"Look, Hikaru here seems to have forgotten what common human decency was so I was just reminding him." I raised my fist, ready to throw my second punch of the day.

"No, it's not- that's not- Haruhi will you please just tell her the truth about this whole thing so I don't have to deal with this!" Yelled a panicked Hikaru.

"About what thing." I snarled at him, still entirely ready to rip his face off.

"Haruhi-" Hikaru pleaded.

"Oh. OH! Okay. Kaeden, I'm not actually a guy."

"You're… not?" I asked. Now I was confused.

"No, I'm just pretending to be one." I sat silent for a second, thoroughly bewildered.

"So… you're not…trans?"

"No."

"So I shouldn't kill clone asshole over here for calling you a 'she?'"

"I'd prefer if you didn't actually."

"What would you like me to refer to you by?"

"Personally, neither bother me, but I'm a girl." Well, that's that I guess.

"Okie dokie." I said cheerfully, releasing my hold on Hikaru's vibrant hair. "Let's eat then, I'm starving."

"That's it? You almost kill me and all I get is an 'okie dokie.?!'"

"Hey be grateful you even get an okie dokie fuckboy. I still don't like you."

"Well I don't like you either." He sniffed, clearly offended.

"Glad we're on the same page then."

"Kaeden!" yelled Haruhi, half way out the door.

"Coming!" I yelled cheerily, tagging along behind her.

I survived day one, and that's the best I can ask for at this point.

I hope day two will go just as well.