My Silence is my Self Defense

Repairing the pod was proving a lot tougher than we had hoped. Not that we expected it to be easy, but after flying Lions you kind of forget how delicate little ships can be. Most of the right engine was crushed or missing, and the dynotherms on the left engine were fried. We did manage to get a few maneuvering thrusters running, but they didn't have the power to take us anywhere. The automatic fuel controls were damaged, so I was trying to help Allura run a fuel line directly from one of the tanks to the generator.

That meant climbing into the tiny service compartment that was behind the passenger area. It was so small that I'd changed into my earth clothes and Allura was wearing a simple jumpsuit. Even without the armor we kept bumping into each other. Trying to thread the conduit between all the strange looking Altean gizmos wasn't easy either.

Allura saw I was having trouble. "Be careful, if you touch the—" The shower of sparks interrupted her.

"Quiznack…." I winced. "Sorry Allura."

The Princess looked over the smoking hose and for a tick I braced myself for her anger, but she just sighed quietly. "It's alright. We can use the one that went to the right engine. Just be more careful with that one."

I nodded. "I bet you wish Pidge or Hunk were stranded here instead of me."

"I'd rather none of us be stranded here," she countered sharply. "Besides, I couldn't fit in here with Hunk," she added a bit more gently.

"Yeah, totally." I smiled, but it was a fake smile. "I just meant they're better at this stuff than me." Better at most stuff than me, really. Pidge wouldn't have fried one of our two fuel conduits. Shiro wouldn't have even gotten in this situation. Keith… well he'd probably bum everyone out.

Allura twisted around, her shoulder rubbing against mine in the tight space. "Everyone has their strengths."

"Yeah, I guess" I said totally unconvincingly.

She hesitated for a second, sensing my mood. "You are stronger than you realize, Lance."

"No," I said quietly, "I'm not."

Allura stepped out of the service compartment so she could turn around and look at me straight on. "I've seen greatness in every member of our team. The universe is a better place because of what we have achieved."

"What the team has achieved." I took a deep breath. Ever since I first laid eyes on the Blue Lion I'd had my doubts about my role on the team. At first I didn't even realize it because it was hidden behind excitement. And then my ego wouldn't let me admit it to myself, let alone to someone else.

It was sort of funny, really. People saw my personality and assumed I was an open book like Hunk. But on some things, like important things, I'm kind of closed off. Like Shiro.

Or even Keith.

Just a little bit.

A tiny tiny tiny bit.

"Just 'cause the team does something doesn't mean I did something… and even when it does… it can't erase my mistakes," I said quietly. "I messed up Allura. And I don't know how to make it right."

I pressed my lips together, not sure exactly what I wanted to say. It was no secret Allura had been a little underwhelmed when the new Paladin's first started, but over time Shiro, Pidge, Hunk, and even Keith managed to earn her respect. Had I earned it too, or was she just trying to keep my spirits up in a tough situation? Either she right through my act and knew exactly who I was, or she thought I was something I wasn't. As bad as the first possibility was, it didn't hurt nearly as much as the second.

Which is why I decided I owed her the truth. I was responsible. I had to own my screw-ups. I'd wet my bed and now I had to lie in it. Or something like that.

"The reason we're in this mess is because I don't have enough strength. Because I…" I sighed. "I wasn't hanging out with those woman on Vostoth for more than a few dobashes before you showed up," I said. "I was thinking about home, OK? Dreaming about Earth, and my family, and…" I glanced at Allura, but I couldn't really read her expression. "I grew up on an island," I explained, "we had pizza place sorta like that cafe, and the ocean—the sand wasn't orange, but the waves sounded the same, and…" I felt tears forming in my eyes and I trailed off. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't of let it get to me, but it did. And now we're here. Because of me."

Allura reached over and put her hand on my shoulder, her big eyes looking sad but friendly. "I didn't realize how much Vostoth affected you," she said softly.

"It only affected me 'cause I let it. Because I'm not strong like the others. They all have people back home they miss, they all have stuff to deal with. Shiro was tortured, the Galra still have Pidge's dad, Keith freakin' found out he was part Galra…" I looked down, not wanting to let her see that my eyes were getting wet. "And you… you lost everything, your people, your planet. But you don't just fall apart because something reminds you of Altea."

"Sometimes it is easier to move on when you know something is gone," Allura said. "Not knowing can be painful."

"I worry about them," I admitted. "Some days I don't even want to wake up because I know I'm going to think about them, and it hurts when I do. And I think about the way they must worry about me, and how much they could be hurting. I don't even know what the Garrison told them happened to me. Or if the Galra have found Earth. Or if some other horrible thing has happened."

"But there is still hope," Allura replied calmly, her voice as soothing as I'd ever heard it. "There is a future to look forward to, even if the path to get there hurts."

"That's what I kept telling myself; but the path sucks."

"We all face such doubts," she said. "That's why there are five Paladins. So that we can lift each other up when we need it most."

"Maybe, but… every day I know who I want to be, and not just that, who I need to be. And I just don't feel like I'm ready. I fell into this Allura. The whole thing was a big coincidence."

"I would disagree with that."

"Really? Of everyone in the universe, I'm the best one to be a Paladin?"

"The best person is not always the right person. Remember what you said to me on Naxzela?"

Of course I remembered, but there wasn't anything special about what I'd said. And she was the one that saved the day. "I just said what was true. I didn't do anything."

"You did much more than you realize," she said, a small smile on her lips. "You helped me to believe in myself. Shiro is great leader, but he didn't do that. Pidge is brilliant, but she didn't do that. You gave me the courage to try."

A/N: A little bit more of an introspective chapter; hopefully you all enjoyed. Expect some more excitement and fun soon!

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