Sometimes, relationships fell apart. Magnus and Alec knew this, but they never thought that theirs wouldn't be one to stand the tests of time.
It had taken Alec a while to get better.
At first, he didn't want to cooperate. Although he knew he needed it, something in his mind told him that it was pointless to even try. He would fail, and everyone would hate him for wasting their time. They would think he was worthless, that they shouldn't have let him into their lives in the first place.
His soul ached much more than anyone had realized.
But he did get better. It was a constant battle against himself-
Not himself. His disease. It was hard for him to differentiate sometimes, most of the time.
But he had to.
He was not his disease.
He hadn't even kept track of how many days had passed. All he knew was that now he was going home.
Back to Magnus.
Even though he was still upset, still hurting, a small part of him lit up at the thought. Seeing the warlock, feeling his embrace, watching the way his skin somehow managed to draw light in, almost like magic.
By the Angel, he missed Magnus.
But a bigger part of him was scared. What if Magnus didn't recognize the person he was now? What if he left again? What if he didn't want to watch after Alec, like he was some child? He had worked on the "power of positive thinking", which Alec personally thought was bullshit, but negative thoughts still found their way into his mind, bouncing around like a ping pong ball.
"Alec." His family was waiting for him at the entrance of the Silent Brothers' lair. They wrapped him in their arms, told him how strong he was, how proud they were of him.
Magnus was nowhere to be found.
"He's waiting at home for you. Don't worry." Izzy's whisper was placed next to his ear, so no one would hear. She always knew what Alec was thinking, even if he didn't want her to.
"Thanks Iz."
Magnus had been waiting at home. Sitting in an armchair, reading some leatherbound book with pages yellow with age that he cast aside when the door opened.
"Alexander." He strode over to the young man, drawing him into his arms.
Alec didn't reciprocate.
He loved Magnus, and being in his arms felt so good.
But he was upset.
No.
He was angry.
Magnus had left him.
It still stung. The pain of spiraling into the mess he had become, all because this man who he loved, who he thought loved him, had left. His head may have recovered, but his heart was still shattered.
"How do you feel?"
"Ok. Better."
"I'm glad to hear it." Magnus leans in for a kiss, eyes widening as Alec leans away.
"I-I can't, Magnus." Alec squirms his way out of Magnus' embrace, opting instead to stand a few paces away.
"I thought you said that you felt better."
"I do feel better. Much better. But that doesn't change what you did. And although I don't blame you for everything I went through, you did hurt me."
"What do I have to do to prove my love to you, Alexander?"
Alec sighed. He didn't know why he was making things so difficult. Magnus was back, and he was begging for forgiveness. But Alec couldn't seem to find it in himself. He didn't know why he was so upset, he didn't even want to be upset. But something was still bothering him.
Magnus padded over to Alec, gently grasping his hands and pulling him to the couch.
"Would you like to hear what I did while I was away?"
Alec nods. Leave it to Magnus to know what he needed.
"To tell you the truth, I didn't do very much. I felt so lost, I had no clue where to go or what to do. I was around people rarely, and didn't speak much when I was. I travelled to many remote places, just trying to find myself, see who I was without my magic." The confidence that usually laced the warlock's words was absent. In its place was a waver, one that Alec knew only appeared when Magnus was feeling particularly vulnerable. Magnus didn't let many see him like this. Only those he truly loved and trusted.
"It took me 6 months, but I finally had a revelation. All that time, I had felt empty. Like something was missing. I had just thought it was my magic. But it wasn't. It was the people I loved, my family. It was you, Alexander." Magnus brings his hands up to cup Alec's face, allowing his thumbs to trace their path along his cheeks.
"I don't ever want to be apart from you again."
"I know, but I-I don't know. Something still feels wrong. Tainted. Like there's an elephant in the room that we aren't addressing."
"Well, is there?"
"Do you even love me?" The words came out so abruptly, Alec didn't even know he was going to ask them.
The effect on Magnus was immediate, however. The pain flashed in his eyes, the betrayal he felt at being asked such a question. The warmth of his palms left Alec's cheeks, leaving them exposed to the chill that filled the room as much as the silence. It was deafening, and neither man could bear the suffocating tension that had invaded the space so suddenly.
"What prompted you to even think that I don't?"
"I-" Alec's voice cracks. The feelings of despair and worthlessness that he was still working on remove surface, and he can barely push them back down.
Magnus could see Alec was struggling. It was so obvious. Yet he knew that the pain wasn't just in Alec's head. Magnus had been the source of it, albeit unknowingly. He knew what it was like, the feeling of being unlovable. Alec had given him so much and support, and this was how he repaid him. By making him feel like he didn't deserve Magnus' love, like Magnus had never loved him at all.
"I do love you. I don't know why, and I hate feeling this vulnerable. But you're so worth it, Alexander. I have never been more sure of anything in my life."
"You are worthy of love, Alexander."
Alec wanted to believe him so badly.
But every time he looked at Magnus, it felt like someone was taking a knife, and twisting it into his chest. All that time apart had taken its toll on the Shadowhunter. It had been close to a year. They had spent more time apart than together. Relationships like that don't typically last.
He loved Magnus. He knew that.
At least, he had thought he did.
Now, he wasn't so sure.