Chakotay emptied another bottle of Antarian cider. He was intoxicated. He knew he should have been above all this by now; hitting the bottle had never been his way. But this day wasn't like every other day. And here he was; drinking a little to forget quickly a lot. And why not? He had no obligations, no one to explain his actions for. He was what he had always been – a maverick who walked his own path away from rest of the crowd.
This had not been a good day for him. First he had awoken from a vivid dream where he had been with Kathryn. He had not had such dreams often, so having one now was opening an old wound when waking up. Then he had been summoned to the commander's office where he had learnt that doctors had made complaint about him and therefore he was banned from the infirmary for now on. He had been upset about that, but on some level it was also a relief for him. He had not been in the mood to face Hytan in the past couple of days, so getting in the infirmary had only given him a valid reason not to meet her. He did want to talk to her in next couple of days, but not today. He was in no mood of having any "larger than life" conversations with her. He just wanted to be left alone with his own thoughts.
On some level it was also a little disturbing how quickly Hytan had claimed her place in his life. Chakotay didn't know what to make of it. And he was still uncertain how much more he wanted to know about the veil of mystery around her. Hytan having nightmares about the Borg didn't have to mean anything significant, he had accepted it now. Everyone in Federation new about the Borg, so Hytan having nightmares about Borg drones proved only that she knew about them, nothing more.
This night was for him and him only. He didn't want to think about Hytan, the station, Schiaparelli cluster or anything in between. He wanted to relive his dream, his past hopes and fantasies, because he was tired of running away from them. He wanted to face them now.
Chakotay looked around. The holodeck program he had finally finalized was about to bring him the dream back. It didn't matter today that all he saw was photons and force fields; today he needed this more than ever. In his dream he had had Kathryn in his arms again and to wake up from such a dream was torture. Being alone without hope of ever getting the past back made love turn into pain, and he had had enough of that. Therefore, he was here on the holodeck 6 now, looking at the Delta Flyer, which had crashed on a nameless M-Class planet.
And there it was – a perfect holographic duplicate of Delta Flyer in the middle of the green forest. The surroundings were almost like on New Earth, but this fantasy took place years after those unique few months alone with Kathryn. And all that was missing in this fantasy land of his was his woman.
Chakotay hesitated. He had never thought he would end up this low. Those who dated on holodeck were usually the most socially inept individuals and he had never counted himself as one. But here he was – on holodeck and his woman was only one command away from him. But he wanted no one else but her. There was no one else for him but Kathryn. He needed her. He needed her physically, emotionally and spiritually. Claiming otherwise was self-deception. To admit that was liberating, but also sad. But he needed what he had briefly had with her on Proxima Station; her body against his, her touches and whispers while he was making love to her and the hope that there would be tomorrow for them. He wanted that hope back. He needed that and he didn't want to apologize for it or explain that need to anyone.
"Computer", he finally said. "Add character alpha."
Suddenly she appeared before his eyes. Chakotay felt like he had been kicked into the stomach. There she was and she seemed so real. Suddenly she was so much more than the picture he had been holding in his hands during the past months. Suddenly she was standing before his eyes again.
She turned around.
"Hi", she said.
He remembered that voice. He still had their subspace conversations stored in the Alpha Flyer's computer, but he had not watched them for a long time now. He hadn't wanted to – he had been avoiding the pain. So now that she with him again, almost in person, all the time he had spent trying to forget her seemed so futile.
"Kathryn…", Chakotay managed to whisper.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Other than…" Chakotay started, "… than us being stranded on this planet?"
"Voyager should be able to pick our emergency signal soon", she said as confident as ever.
"It's been almost a week already", Chakotay said as he played his part.
Kathryn approached her. "And what then?" she asked and looked him steadily with her blue eyes.
"What do you mean?" Chakotay asked.
"Us", she told. "You know that once we are back, I cannot allow this to continue."
"I know."
Kathryn placed her hands on his waist and pressed her body against his. Chakotay closed his eyes. He had missed her so much. And if this was all he could get, he would gladly settle for it and take it. Why had he waited so long to finalize this program?
"I love you Chakotay", she whispered.
"I love you too…"
"Make love to me…"
Chakotay sighed. He wanted that, more than anything. And this was Kathryn he was with; his Kathryn.
She started to kiss his neck, moving slowly and gently towards his lips. Once reaching them, she allured him to response. First gently, then more intensely, like encouraging and demanding him to take the claim to her. It didn't take long until Chakotay was aching with long-repressed lust, which was embodied by the hardness between his legs.
But as much as he wanted to believe this dream, something was off. He was constantly aware of her being just a technologically produced replica of the love of his life. Her physical parameters were identical with what she used to be in reality, but she wasn't Kathryn. She didn't kiss him the way she had nor did she taste like he remembered. He tried to ignore this, because this was all he could ever have with her. And it was almost real.
Almost.
And therefore it didn't work.
Chakotay broke the kiss, looked for a moment into her blue eyes and saw confusion. Take what you can get, he commanded himself in his mind, as he touched her auburn hair until feeling the softness of her cheek on his fingertips.
"Kathryn…" he whispered.
"I'm here" she said softly.
Yes she was, he knew that. But no matter how much he tried to look beyond the technology, he couldn't forget that she was in his arms only because of the hologrid and his own unfulfilled need to be with her. The woman in his embrace was not sentient. There were men who wouldn't have minded such a minor technicality, but he did. Because the illusion in his arms had to fill the place of Kathryn, and there were no technology invented in the universe that could ever do that.
"Computer, remove character alpha", Chakotay finally said.
And within a second she was gone.
Chakotay sighed as the emptiness took him over again. He picked a holographic rock from the ground and threw it to the holographic hull of Delta Flyer with an angry and frustrated roar.
It was all fake; artificial. With replicators, holodecks and spaceships he was able to get almost anything he wanted. But despite all the marvelous things in the world he could not ever get what he truly needed.
"Damn it!" he spat and sat down on the ground. "I shouldn't have done this…"
He sat there for a moment and the passion he had briefly felt with the holographic fantasy woman gradually melted away. And he was alone again, feeling more alone than in a long, long time. He had been right before – programming Kathryn on holodeck had been a mistake. Well, at least he didn't have to wonder now whether it was true or not. Now he knew for certain.
Suddenly he heard the holodeck doors opening, which surprised him. He thanked his lucky stars he had gotten rid of the holographic Kathryn moments before. He should have remembered to seal the door before starting the program, because what he had intended to do here needed no outside observation. Perhaps the cider had compromised his attentiveness and he had forgotten.
"Here you are", he heard her saying.
"Hytan", Chakotay said and turned his face away. He hadn't expected her and frankly, he was in no mood to be with her now. Not tonight.
"Why haven't you come to see me lately?" Hytan asked then without any pleasantries before cutting to the chase.
"I am not allowed to come to the infirmary anymore", Chakotay told.
"Why?" Hytan asked.
"They haven't told you?"
"No one has said anything."
"Hmm…"
"Why?" Hytan asked again.
"A few of the doctors and I don't really get along", Chakotay told.
"What happened?"
"We had a disagreement."
"About?"
"You", Chakotay said and turned his face to her again.
"What about me?"
"Do you know who you are Hytan?" Chakotay asked then.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you know who you are – who you were before being here on this station?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes…"
"But I think the doctors might know."
"What…?"
"Or they know something more than they are telling you", Chakotay added. "You should start asking more questions Hytan."
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"There are days when I am too tired to think, let alone starting to debate with the doctors."
"Understandable", Chakotay said.
"That issue aside – have you been avoiding me?" Hytan asked then. "Because I have a feeling that you have, and if that is the case, I would like to know why."
"Hytan", Chakotay sighed. "There are days when I am too tired having company."
"I see", Hytan said briefly. "And is this one of those days?"
"Actually it is", Chakotay told truthfully. "This is not a good time Hytan."
"Well, I will return to infirmary then", Hytan said briefly.
Chakotay sighed. He realized he must have hurt her feelings. He was able to hear it from her voice. "Hytan", he said then.
"It is alright", Hytan cut him off. "I am leaving. Perhaps we can talk later this week."
"Well let me at least walk you to turbolift."
"There is no need", Hytan told. "You obviously have something going on here and I was intruding. I apologize."
"I had something going on in here, but it is over now", Chakotay told. "And I should return to my quarters as well. It has been a tiring evening."
"Very well", Hytan said then.
"Computer – end program", Chakotay said then and the green landscape vanished revealing the cold hologrid around them.
Holodeck doors opened and the two of them stepped out. For a moment they walked on silence, but Chakotay felt like there was something in the air between them, waiting to be put in the words. And he was right.
"You have been avoiding my company", Hytan said then.
"Excuse me?"
"I believe that ever since I told you about that dream of mine, you have been avoiding me. Why?"
"Hytan…"
"You say that it is because of the doctors, but I must wonder."
Chakotay sighed.
"I would like to know the reason why", Hytan said then. "It just seems to me that there is a question you want to ask, but so far you have not done so. Perhaps it is that question what has kept you away."
"Look…"
"Is there such a question?"
"Yes there is", Chakotay suddenly confessed.
"Now is your chance to ask it", Hytan told.
"Very well", Chakotay said and kept his eyes on the turbolift doors in the end of the long corridor. "Has that dream happened to you?" he asked then.
"My nightmare?"
"Yes. Has it happened to you in reality? Is it a dream or a reflection of something from your memory?"
"It is a dream", Hytan told.
"Is it?"
"Yes", Hytan said. "Dreaming is not unusual."
"Is that what the doctors say?"
"Yes it is."
"So you have finally told them about this dream of yours?"
"To one of them", Hytan told. "And he said that having dreams and remembering them is a good sign; that my brain activity is normalizing."
"That's a relief", Chakotay said.
"Why are you asking this?" Hytan asked then.
"What if it wasn't a dream?" Chakotay asked then.
Hytan stopped in the middle of the corridor. "What are you saying?" she asked.
"What if it really happened?"
"It didn't."
"How can you be so sure? Do you remember what has happened to you before becoming conscious here on Starbase 712?"
"No. But it couldn't have happened."
"How can you be so sure?"
"What do you want me to say? To admit something I don't even know?"
"I want you to look within yourself and seek the truth. Don't you want to know what has happened to you?"
"Of course I do. But I cannot know about my past, if I cannot remember it."
"Try!" Chakotay said suddenly in a very demanding way.
"What…?" Hytan started, but she was unable to finish her question when the station suddenly jolted.
"Yellow alert", station commander's voice came via comm. "Level 1 ion storm hit the station. Shields are up."
Suddenly Chakotay felt the floor disappearing beneath his feet. For a second he thought the Antarian cider was doing tricks on him, until he realized the artificial gravity had failed. Then he heard frightened voice beneath Hytan's hood.
"It's alright", Chakotay said. "The artificial gravity is temporarily failed. Must be the ion storm. But the shields are up now and I'm sure the operations officer soon notices the problem. Come – let's grab on something before they get the gravity back. We don't want to drop on the floor."
"Alright…" Hytan whispered.
Chakotay took her hand, pulled her closer to him and pressed them against the bulkhead. He felt her shivering.
"Let's try to get closer to the floor", he whispered then.
Hytan didn't answer, but Chakotay was able to hear her breathing quickened. She was in distress.
"It's alright Hytan", he told.
"It's like my dream…" Hytan whispered.
"Well, this is not a dream and soon the artificial gravity will be back online again. Just hold on for a moment, alright?"
Hytan didn't answer. But her body kept shivering. Chakotay didn't know what to do. He wanted to put Hytan at ease, but didn't know how.
"Hytan?"
"We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own", Hytan whispered then.
"What the hell…? Hytan?"
"Resistance is futile…" Hytan whispered then.
"Hytan?" Chakotay asked and shook her shoulder gently. "Can you hear me Hytan?"
No answer.
"Hytan?"
Suddenly they dropped on the floor once artificial gravity returned to the deck.
"That's it then", Chakotay said once realized being back against the corridor floor. He looked Hytan who lay beside him. "Hytan?"
No answer.
"Hytan?" he asked again and touched her shoulder.
But she didn't move. Or breathe.
Chakotay's heart missed a beat. He quickly activated his combadge. "Infirmary!" he shouted. "Medical emergency on deck 5!"