In the deep recesses of her brain's consciousness, Amanda found herself pressed against a rough brick wall. It was dark around her, and the humid air wrapping around her crashed waves of heat over her figure. She dizzily glanced down to see the gun resting in her palms.
Confusion muddled her brain at first but when she glanced back up, Melissa Engle's house rose in front of her, ominously, although the structure seemed much larger and more insidious than she remembered.
Her own breathing rustled loudly against her ears.
She stepped away from the wall and began to wander towards the front of the house. A foreboding hovered darkly over her senses, locking up her throat in a knot. She didn't know why she was here again.
She felt like she was swimming through the atmosphere as she reached the front door. It was hanging wide open, the doorway yawning in front of her like a black abyss. She didn't want to go inside.
"Amanda!"
The cry rose sharply from inside, and Amanda jolted forward. She knew that voice. She'd spent so much time listening to it and loving it, memorizing the melody of that tone. But now, it was laced with fear and pain.
She found herself racing through the house but everything was passing by languidly, in slow motion. Her legs strove to carry her towards the sounds of distress but she felt as if every step took minutes to complete.
When she broke out of the front hallway, the house was hardly like she remembered. More doorways lay around her, covering the surface of almost every wall, each one their own hungry mouth of darkness.
The scream came again, piercing Amanda's ears but she couldn't seem to find where it was coming from. She tried in vain to find the source of it, but when she walked to each door way, they all seemed to call out to her.
Panicking and desperate, Amanda finally darted into a doorway at random. A long hallway stretched out ahead of her, rows and rows of door taunting her. She ran to each one, yanking on the doorknobs but finding them locked.
With fear rising, Amanda ran back the way she had come but the exit to the living room no longer existed. Instead, a stairway lay ahead of her, leading upwards.
"Amanda, help me!" Olivia's voice sliced across Amanda's ears, pushing adrenaline through her.
She ran towards the stairs and began to climb upward. The stairway turned, leading her up to another set, but when she reached the top, there was simply another staircase. Cursing, Amanda pushed onward, running up flight after flight, while Olivia's voice pleaded with her all the while.
Hours seemed to pass before she finally found the upstairs hallway of the Engle's home before her. At the end, Sara's door lay open, light from within reaching her in the darkness. Trembling, she stepped towards the room.
The sight of blood assaulted her first. Gallons of it. The floor was painted with the life force of the woman and child lying just within her sight. Sara's and Melissa's bodies were broken and sliced, their dead eyes staring upwards.
"No…." She heard herself moan inside her head. "Jesus, no…"
She stepped forward, her gaze drawn to the bed.
There she lay, her love, her life, her arms stretched out like an angel's wings. She was choking, blood spilling from between her lips. Her head lolled to the side, her heavy lidded eyes gazing at Amanda with the deepest sadness that she'd ever seen. Her gaze pierced her through again and again.
"You could've been here." She whispered. "You could've saved me."
"I tried." Amanda whispered, stepping across the bloodied room. "I tried so hard."
"Not hard enough." Another voice cut through the room, drawing her gaze back behind her.
Duvall smiled back at her, his eyes alight with the pleasure of the kill, his clothes drenched in crimson.
Then he lifted the gun and pulled the trigger. She fell back in shock at the bullets pierced her.
"You won't ever forget me." He murmured. "I'll be in your head forever."
Then she fell down.
Amanda awoke from the dream with a jerk, finding herself panting and sweating. Her heart was racing wildly in her chest and her mouth was dry.
She threw back the sheets and sat up on the edge of the bed, trying to still the tremble in her hands. She squeezed her eyes shut against the visceral, disturbing images of the dream.
The bed shifted behind her and she felt Olivia's hand touch her back.
"Are you okay?" Her groggy voice assured Amanda of her well being but she could shake the image of her dying in the dream.
"Fine." Amanda panted. "I just need some water."
She rose quickly from the bed and ducked out of the room to escape Olivia's questions and sincerity.
She went to the kitchen and flicked on the small light above the sink before grabbing a glass of water. She drank it down quickly, her parched tongue soaking up the liquid gratefully.
When she finished, she leaned against the counter and stared out the window, although her vision was lost in the stream of thoughts swirling through her brain.
The dream was far too close to what had actually happened and what could've happened that night and she couldn't shake Duvall's face from her mind, nor his promise to haunt her forever.
"Amanda?" Olivia's voice snapped her out of her thoughtful trance and she glanced up to see Olivia wandering into the kitchen wearing a Giants T-shirt she must've found in Amanda's drawer.
"Are you all right?" She asked, coming to stand in front of her.
Her palms skimmed up Amanda's arms, dragging a shiver across her flesh.
"I'm fine." She murmured, glancing up at Olivia's concerned expression. "It was just...a really messed up dream."
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked, her arms sliding around Amanda's waist to pull her closer.
"It was about that night." Amanda whispered, staring down at Olivia's necklace. She lifted a hand to graze her fingers over the golden pendant.
Fearlessness
Amanda was far from emitting the same confidence and bravery that had pushed Olivia to the height of her career… And now it could all be lost, broken to pieces on the altar to Amanda's anger and distrust. She'd spent so much time running in circles, trying every other door possible and taking the hardest route to the top that she was nearly too late to save what was left of them.
"What night?" Olivia asked softly.
"You know." Amanda whispered, her voice choked, "The night I shot Duvall."
Olivia nodded quietly before pulling her closer. Her fingers petted through Amanda's hair, persuading her to lay her head down on Olivia's shoulder.
"Have you talked to the therapist?" She asked.
"Yes." Amanda choked over the tears clogging her throat. "But I'm not sure I was ready."
Olivia sighed softly, "I want to help you, Amanda. Tonight doesn't fix everything… We need real reconciliation and you need to process what you did and why."
"I know." Amanda whimpered, squeezing her fingers around sections of Olivia's shirt. "I want you to help me. I need you to…"
"I'm right here." Olivia squeezed her tighter, gathering her close against her chest. "There's nothing you could do that would tear you from my heart or my mind."
Amanda sobbed into Olivia's neck, dragging her as close as possible, and although she felt pain for all the anger and sadness that had torn them apart, she no longer experienced the humiliation of breaking down in front of her. Collapsing in the assurance of Olivia's arms was finally what it had been before - peaceful. And maybe now, Amanda was ready to accept it.
"What about IAB?" She asked, raggedly, when her tears began to slow.
"We'll figure it out." Olivia patted her back and kissed the top of her head. "The consequences will be what they are."
Amanda nodded and nuzzled her face further into Olivia's neck, breathing in her scent, and squeezing her body tight. She felt secure here, like nothing could touch her, and finally the thought of losing her job didn't scare her as much as it had. The chips would fall where they would as long as the two of them fell together.
When Amanda awoke the next morning, the bed next to her was depressingly empty. She vaguely remembered Olivia slipping out of the bed, leaving her with a peppering of kisses and a soft apology. Amanda had held onto her as long as possible before Olivia had slid out of the bed and from her arms
Amanda groaned and rolled on her back, her arms stretched out on either side of her as her eyes struggled to open.
She knew that Olivia had a son to attend to but she had hoped she would stay for the night at least, especially after the horrendous dream. She felt achingly lonely in the quiet of her apartment, her heart longing for her presence.
Her body, however, felt light and weightless after last night's absolution and she suddenly found solitary moments unbearable. She didn't want just anyone's company either… She needed to feel Olivia next to her.
Her throat felt choked as she skimmed her hands over the bedsheets, wishing that she'd find the purchase of Olivia's hand somewhere between the folds. She sighed out heavily as she encountered nothing but empty air and rumpled sheets.
She pushed herself up and leaned over the edge of the bed to grab her crumpled pants. Her phone was still tucked in the back pocket and she pulled it out, breathing a sigh of relief when she realized there was still a charge.
Flipping the screen open, Amanda intended to text Olivia but a message from Jen, her union rep, blinked up on the screen.
IAB wants to re interview you today as soon as possible.
Amanda groaned quietly. The last thing she wanted was to put herself through another interrogation with IAB. She knew it was a second chance for her to tell her story and to clear herself but she'd much rather stay curled up in her bed, away from the worries of the world; not to mention she was going to have to deal with Olivia's confession at some point.
Even after last Night's uplifting conversation, she wished Olivia had never spoken with Tucker. Even if Amanda refused the allegations of coercion, Olivia could still face a stiff reprimand and after all they'd been through, Amanda didn't want her to suffer any more than she already had.
Amanda gathered her strength to reply to Jen's text.
I can be there in two hours.
She hesitated before tapping out another text.
What about Olivia?
She laid her phone down and stared at the ceiling. Her stomach ached just thinking about having to speak about their relationship to the top brass, whittling it down to nothing more than sexual misconduct and abuse of power. She'd been stupid if she thought she would ever bring that scenario upon either of them in order to stop Olivia from telling the truth about the shooting.
At this point, she'd rather live the rest of her life unemployed than cause Olivia anymore pain and humiliation. They'd both suffered enough.
The phone buzzed in her palm and she lifted it to glance at the return message.
What about her?
Amanda frowned and bit her lower lip. Was Jen really going to make her spell this out?
The allegations… She texted slowly, before hitting send.
Jen replied almost immediately: What allegations?
Amanda frowned more deeply and pushed herself up from the bed in order to type more quickly.
I'm sure they've told you by now about us.
She had a strange premonition that she was telling on herself, rather than clarifying a misunderstanding. If Jen truly didn't know, did the Chief of Ds not know? Typically, the bosses would be all over something as scandalous as this.
Her phone suddenly began to jangle, signaling a call from Jen and Amanda's stomach dropped. She hit the talk button with a quivering thumb.
"Hello?"
"Are you trying to tell me that you and Lieutenant Benson are involved?" Jen snapped through the phone.
Amanda released a breath through clenched teeth and rubbed her forehead with her fingers.
"I thought you would already know." Amanda replied.
"And how would I know that if you didn't tell me?"
"B-because...she went in there and told Tucker!" Amanda burst out, throwing out her hand in exasperation.
"I asked you from day one to be honest with me." Jen said, "I can't help you if you're not."
"Wait." Amanda heaved a sigh. "Tucker resigned from my case but he should've reported this to someone. They'd be all over this."
"I don't know what's going in with the three of you, but this does not look good."
"It's exactly what it looks like." Amanda snapped, "I'll be at One PP in two hours. I'll see you then."
She hung up quickly before Jen could object. She couldn't deal with the inquisitive rep right now. There was someone else she needed to talk to.
An hour later, showered and caffeinated, Amanda marched into One Police Plaza and and found her way up the elevator and past multiple offices until she reached the IAB offices.
She drew up at the door that read in gold lettering: Captain Edward Tucker, Manhattan Internal Affairs.
She knocked quickly on the door, her foot tapping as she waited for a response. She knew he was in the office and there was little reason for either of them to beat around the bush.
The blinds rattled for a moment and she caught his blue eyes peering out at her with acute irritation. She waved at him with a short a short smile and the blinds swung back into place.
"What do you want?" Tucker asked as he pulled the door open.
"Are you going to let me in?" She asked, gesturing towards his broad figure blocking the doorway.
"Is there a reason I should?" Tucker inquired, arching a brow, "Your case is no longer my concern."
"This isn't about me." Amanda replied, "And I don't think you want to have this talk in the middle of the hallway where any of your buddies can hear us."
Tucker's lips tightened and his jaw worked for a second before he stood aside.
"You've got balls, Detective, I'll give you that."
"More than you have apparently." Amanda said, slamming the door behind her. "I just talked to my rep and you know what's funny? She has no idea about me and Olivia and her turning herself in to you."
"Why is that funny?" Tucker asked, although she could see the flicker of guilt in his eyes.
"Because the Chief of Detectives would not hesitate to pull us all in and run damage control."
"It's been less than a day-" Tucker began.
"And they're already re interviewing me for the shooting." Amanda cut him off. "Now what did you do with the tape of Olivia's confession?"
Silence pervaded the office for a moment, the two of them standing off against each other in the middle of the immaculate space. In the distant background, Amanda could hear the rest of the building operating obliviously.
"There is no tape." Tucker said at last, shoving his hands into his pockets.
"I saw you record it." Amanda returned, her heart beating nervously in her chest.
"Maybe you were mistaken." Tucker said, lifting his chin as if to appear more austere and authoritarian.
"No…" Amanda chuckled low in her throat, turning away from him. "No, I saw it with my own two eyes. You hit record."
Tucker rocked back on his heels and directed his eyes towards the ground for a moment as if considering what to say.
"I'm not crazy." Amanda said, "What'd you do, Tucker?"
When he lifted his head, his eyes were narrowed.
"Not anymore than what you did to save her life." He replied, quietly.
Amanda stared back at him, her mouth agape in shock. She'd never so much as imagined a shred of impropriety from Tucker or even the appearance of it, however, at the same time she didn't trust as far as she could throw him. She felt shaken and could hardly conjure a response to him implication.
"We won't go before the brass?" She whispered.
"Whatever was said that day cannot be brought before anyone in this office." Tucker said. "Unless she plans to walk directly into the Chief's office and confess to something so heinous again."
Amanda paced away from him, her brain racing, her heart leaping with relief. She'd never wanted to owe Tucker anything or find common ground with him in any way but in this moment she could've bought the man a drink.
"Why would you do this?" She asked the nagging question despite her heart telling her to take the news and run with it. "Don't you resent her at all?"
Tucker's mouth curled in a short chuckle, "That'd be illogical considering she gave me the best three months of my life."
He turned towards the desk as silence ensued. He sat down, shuffling papers and organizing the workspace as if to fill the awkward moments until she left but when she didn't move, he glanced up.
"You can leave at any time, Detective Rollins." He gestured towards the door.
She released a sound of exasperation before throwing up her hands and turning towards the door. She was at a complete loss of words and she supposed there was nothing else to do but to follow Tucker's cue.
She had just grabbed the doorknob when Tucker said, "For the record, Detective, I didn't do any of this for you or your relationship to Lieutenant Benson…. She's the best damn commander of SVU I've ever seen and I don't want that to change. Especially not for someone like you."
"Right." Amanda muttered, her teeth clenching against the insult.
If he hadn't just saved her and Olivia's asses, she might've turned around and conjured her own insult but instead she shoved the door open and let the slam of it behind her grasp the final word.