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"Haven't seen you in a while. "Armin says to me as he takes a seat beside me on a wooden bench in the dining hall.
"Yeah, no kidding. Where have you been? "Eren chimes in taking the seat across from us.i am disappointed in my self. I must have been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed them until they were already here. If I had been paying attention I would have had time to prepare myself to face them. It is already mid-afternoon and I had spent my day so far since I had left my room, purposely trying to avoid everyone. Not wanting to get caught up in mindless chit-chat or being asked to run pointless errands. I can not help but to feel a tinge of guilt inside because on any other day I Usually would be happy to see these two. In fact more than happy But today's not any other day I have a choice to make and besides, what do I say to them. hey, I'm sorry we haven't hung out, I've been caught up shoveling horse shit and grinding on our captain but never mind that guys. I need to ask you a question. how would you feel about me hooking up with captain Levi to ensure he helps me keep you all safe?
No doubt that would not settle well. I could just imagine the looks on their faces. So I can't tell them the truth but I hate lying them but What choice do I have, though if I choose to as Levi says become "his". Lying will have to become second nature to me. Maybe I don't really have to lie. I'll just twist the truth a little bit so it's not a complete lie. More like a fib.
Yeah! That's it, See I'm good at this. I'm lying to myself already.
"I'm sorry guys. I was stuck cleaning the horse stall for the past three days."
See I coax myself that wasn't hard. I didn't even have to lie. I just told them the bare minimum they don't need to know the whole story
I was stuck cleaning the past couple days. I let myself relax a little. I have nothing to worry about unless they had physically laid witness to Levi slipping from my room early this morning, they won't ask any questions I'll have to lie about.
"Wow, Mikasa three days! The stables are usually my job but even when it is, I am never stuck with the duty for three days." Eren says as he stirs his mash potatoes with indifference.
"No kidding." Armin joins in." Did Corporal Levi give you that?"
"Of course, who else!?" I raise my eyebrow in question at Armin." C'mon, that is like..." I make air quotations. "His thing" I joke.
Eren' face turns up in a smile and he laughs. Making my heart constrict.
"No kidding, but for three days though? Did you make him mad or something?" Eren asks
Nope, not really. I think in my head. Just apparently catch his attention, attempt to hit him and oh yeah, rub myself against him like a wanton whore! Nothing out of the ordinary. But of course, I can't tell them that.
"I have no clue what I could have done." I shake my head bewildered because in truth I have no idea why the captain is interested in me,why he put me on stable duty or why he has done any of the things he has done to me in the last week.
"Eren, you personally know that you don't have to make The captain mad get him to put you on stable duty. sometimes he just does it because he is a dick and well he can."
"mikasa! You really shouldn't say that about him." Armin warns with a hushed whisper, while he looks over the room around us. "someone could hear you and report it. he may be difficult but he is still our superior and we have to respect him."
Like hell, that will happen. Even if I do accept his offer I don't think I can fully respect him. As my captain yes but as a potential lover no. he has a real attitude problem and I'm not going to stand being belittled or bossed around. I guarantee he will learn that very fast.
I shrug my shoulders and push my plate away from me. I honestly could Carless if anyone heard me or not. Beside what will captain do spank me?
I can feel a sudden heat rush over my body and a blush spread across my cheeks at the thought of him spanking me. Oh god! It dawns on me, I might like that. I can not stop a fleeting image of levi bending me over his office desk and smacking my ass from flashing in my mind vividly.
Wow! where did that come from? Embarrassed I pull my scarf up to hide my face and try to gain my composer.
"Are you ok? Mikasa? Eren asks. Your face is all red.
"Hmmm? Uh? Yeah, I'm fine! I'm fine! " I look down at my clasp hands in my lap and avoid erens preying eyes.
"It's ... It's" I stammer" It's just this heat... is really getting to me."
"Really, I actually thought it was pretty cool today? Well, anyway you better be careful Mikasa, don't push yourself too hard" armin says his voice full of concern for me.
I feel bad that he is concerned for me when the only reason my face is so red was because my perverted thought of the captain.
"I'll try not to Armin, so, please. Don't worry about me. Like I said I'm fine."
" ok, but let me know if you'd don't feel any better and I will walk you to the infirmary, if you want?" Admin offers.
"Thank you, but I'll be fine." I smile sweetly at Armin. The blond e boy next to me has always been the more caring one in this small group of three. Always taking care of me and thinking of my well being ever since we were kids.
I am relieved that they drop the subject and turn their attention back to their food it was embarrassing enough to have had Eren notice how red my face got when I had those thought about the captain's punishment.
Our conversation has gone dead though and the silence is really bugging me for some reason. Maybe now would be a good time to lay some groundwork that way if I do take Levi up on his offer which I most Likely will. I can avoid any later questions from these two. No, of course, I couldn't tell them the full extent of Levi's offer but I could tell them that He offered me a student position. I take a deep shaky breath.and begin.
"You know guys. "I say quietly. "the captain offered me a student position to shadow him, he would train me and maybe even give me a chance to become a part of his squad. "
Eren's fork full of food stops midair and he looks up at me in awe making my heart skips a beat.. This brown haired boy in front of me is so handsome and his eyes are so breathtakingly beautiful, that He is making me second guess myself. Maybe I shouldn't consider this at all.
Eren and Armin almost at the same time blurt out "you're going to do it right?"
I fight the urge to roll my eyes at them. Of course, from their point of view, this is an opportunity of a lifetime. But I know the truth. And this isn't an easy decision. I have to choose to be with a man; I can't even say I really like but have an unexplained attraction to or wait for Eren and risk the chance of him never feeling the same. I could continue to protect him on my own or Levi can help me for a price.
"Seriously, Mikasa." Armin continues. "this would be a great opportunity. you are already skilled, to begin with. I'm actually surprised that it took this long for the higher-ups to notice you. Just think of it, if you were to train with Captain Levi it is possible you could become a very valuable asset to the Survey Corp.
"Yeah, Armin is right ,Mikasa you are really good.," Eren adds. "If it were me I wouldn't even think twice."
If the roles were switched would he really?
"I'm seriously thinking about it. I am supposed to meet the corporal tonight to give him my answer."
"What's to think about?" Erin says sounding a little annoyed. He returns his attention back to his food.
"There is a lot to think about, Eren. I snap. "This is a big decision."
"She is right, Eren. It is a big decision but whatever you decide Mikasa you know me and Eren will have your back. Right, Eren?
"Of course, we will. "Armin, really? she shouldn't even have to ask. She should just know."
"I know! I know! Eren, I'm trying to be supportive. Maybe you should try it some time. Really come on, Mikasa always has your back."
Oh great and here comes this bickering.
"Armin, I am supportive." Eren groans. "I just don't think I have to tell her I am every five seconds." He turns to me with a look of seriousness. "Mikasa, I support you. Armin and I will always support your decisions. I am just saying if I were you I would do this no questions asked."
Looking back to Armin with a scowl he says "there better, Armin?"
"Yeah, way better," Armin replies with sarcasm.
I try my hardest to stifle a giggle but fail. these two are so comical sometimes. Arguing sometimes like brothers. I could easily see to some this might get annoying but to me it never gets old. A little tiring maybe but never old. I have grown up with these two, this is normal to me.
I can't help but wonder though If there really knew would they support me? It's highly doubtful but no matter what If I Do this I will do this for them.
I am beyond relieved when Jean and Connie join us and the boys start talking about who is better who has killed more. The usual guy things I'm used to by now. They All but forget about me. And for once I do not mind. I take this blessed moment to excuse myself wanting to get away and spend some much needed quiet time by myself.
it as already late in the evening and I have somehow found myself Sitting on top this hill high above everyone. The green grass is like a vast sea surrounding my small body. I flex my fingers and gather the small blades in my hand lifting them up to let them flying in the wind. I just want to be left alone, I muse to myself. Fall is felt in the air heavy now. A warm breeze with the promise of cold. I breath in deep and draw in this beautiful sight that is laid before me with a heavy heart.the Trees that were days ago full with green leafs are now showing hints of orange, reds and yellow. I frown at the thought of how no matter how much I want it I will never be able to experience this vast world freely without fear. I can never love without loss and I can never sleep without nightmares. This life has caged me and This day has dragged on slowly. Seeming never to end. But is that really a bad thing? I think to myself. I have a choice to make and I'm running out of time. This can change my whole life. It can affect the ones I love. The person I love. This decision can alter me. building me up or tearing me down but what do I have to lose. I am not free, to begin with.
I am not free... Those words repeat in my head as if dawning on me for the first time. I am not free to begin within. I never have been. The people I serve can easily tell me what I can and cannot do. They could even take my life if it so pleases them. With that knowledge in mind. I know now deep down my choice is made. the only way I can keep Eren and Armin safe, to protect the one... No, the ones I love. I must become stronger and to do that I must do whatever it takes. even if that means I have to enthrall and be with A man I do not love because this is all I can do. It is my best option. I don't want to remain this version of me. A pitiful girl who is desperately wanting someone who can't love her. Protecting and saving someone who will always fight it. If I am part of the elite squad, he would have to accept it. saving him will part of my job.
I look down at my hands. I'm shaking. So this is It. It is settle. I have made my choice. I will not be weak. I will be strong and I will do this. I will be Levi's and we will do this together, because we, Levi and I are made the same. we were born with a skill and that skill is killing
I smile a wild smile. Letting out a sort of mad laugh to myself. Standing up I brush the dirt and grass from my pants
I better get going back to my room then. I'll need to clean up. I know by the way Levi had been looking at my room last night that he was not impressed. Wouldn't want to disappoint him.
I reach my hand up and touch my lips where he had kiss me and I wonder if he would expect us to do anything tonight after I tell him my answer. My body flushes with anticipation and nervousness. Probably and honestly I have to admit I am scared but if it feels like anything from the night before I think I will be ok. I'll need to shower and change. I bet I look like shit maybe I'll ask Sasha for that makeover she had mentions days ago, Of course, that would mean I would have to tell her and That's no an option or maybe I could if she swore on her life that she would never say a word disguarding the idea all together. I decide I will just have make do with what I have. And that means I better get going.
I take one more long look at the view in front of me. From where I stand I can see Eren and Armin walking back to their cabin and the heavy feeling in my chest returns.
Eren... He would be happy, right? If I abandoned these feelings I have and became the sister, he loves. That is what he wants, a sister... Nothing else.
If I do this-this it would mean I have finally given into the fact that I will never be with him. A fact that I had always pushed to the back of my mind naively choosing to instead believe that one day it could be a possibility.
I feel tears stinging my eyes and I wipe them furiously away. I have made my choice. I should be happy. This is what will make eren happy. This will help Eren and Armin be safe. Yes, this is the right thing to do. I will not cry. I will give into to being wanted by someone and give up wanting the one I love for Eren and Armin to say alive and safe.
( sorry chapter was short. I have had a terrible case of writer block :(
Ps comments please encouragement goes a long way ;)