Bleeding Heart Chapter 6
Room of Requirement – Day 2 Evening (Cho's POV)
Overhasty I had left the room, leaving Hermione alone, and closed the door of my sleeping room behind me. The door was in equal measure an obstacle to hold the brunette away and a barrier to shield me, to deny her seeing my weakness.
I sensed my edges melting away, felt how my self-control crumbled and cleared the way for my pain. Nearly two days I had been strong, nearly two days I had been able to act nearly normally, to even make funny comments about Hermione and Ron's love-life. But it needed only a simple almost harmless question and all the fake barriers crushed to the ground and unveiled a hurt little girl.
My body was shaking violently, my eyes nearly blind with tears as I walked the short distance to my bed. Pain shot thru my body as my toes bumped against the bedpost. It only added to my inner pains and I threw myself on the mattress, grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it.
How could I explain Hermione why her question had been so bad for my psychic balance? With my obvious feelings towards Fleur and our nearly a full school year encompassing friendship it was only natural that she expected those things from us, to act on our emotions at least behind closed doors in those moments we hadn't our quarrels. How could she know that it had never come to more than a few touches, all the time pretending it to be only something between friends?
The picture of that one and only kiss invaded my mind and I couldn't prevent a loud sob, knowing full well that Hermione would hear the noise and know about my inner turmoil. I feared that she would blame herself for my pain; something she neither was nor I wanted her to think. But in this moment I was completely unable to stand up much less face her.
I should explain to her how Fleur had kissed me as she opened her heart and told me of her love. How this moment - the moment I had been dreaming about for months - had been utterly destroyed by my weakness and cowardice.
The pillow was soaking wet now but I hold it tight, buried my face even deeper in the pillowcase to dampen my sobs. I hoped that Hermione would go away, hoped that my pain would go away. Why had she stopped me from doing the one thing that could end this ache in my heart? Why couldn't she allow me to make my life livable again?
You have a beautiful mind. To mess with your mind, to alter your memories, the erase only a single one of them it is like a kind of sacrilege for me. I heard her voice again and I knew that she meant every single word in pure sincerity. I didn't deserve this kind of friendship, her adoring of my mind or her affection. But nonetheless she felt this way and acted based on these emotions. And how had I thanked her for this? I pushed her away and made the impression that she hurt me with her words.
The pictures of Fleur's and Hermione's faces' blurred, blended together to one picture of utter hurt. My shoulders was flinching heavily, my body violently shaking and my voice was nearly not recognizable for me as I uttered a single word, a single name because more wasn't possible for me.
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Room of Requirement – Day 2 Evening (Hermione's POV)
For long minutes I paced in front of her room, listening to her sobs, trying to imagine how she felt in these moments. What had I done? I wanted to help her, wanted to ease her pain and what had been the result? If it would have been possible I would have kicked my own ass for my stupidity, for my inability to help her. But mostly I hated myself for my arrogance, my belief that from all students and professors around at Hogwarts it needed especially Hermione Granger to solve Cho's problems.
Which lunacy had gripped my mind as I decided to spend these five days in the room of requirements? Which fabulous abilities of mine had it been once again that predestinated me to help her? Was it my knowledge about arcane runes? Or perhaps my abilities to write essays about the history of magic allowed me to solve problems of the heart. Or could it be my endless experience in all social things would help me … wait, which experience again?
In this moment, listening to her sobs and whimpers that seemed to grow deeper by the minute I promised myself and Cho to apologize to her. If she ever left this room again, if she ever allowed me to speak to her, I would apologize for my behavior and my audacity to mingle with her life. I would leave her in peace for the rest of these five days and when we left I would help her … would help her … the picture of me casting an Obliviate spell on Cho caused my body to shudder. I had promised it, but would I really be able to follow up with the action?
"MIONE"
Her cry full of pain, my name nearly not recognizable … I nearly lost my stance and had to grip the back of my chair to steady my stance. For some long seconds I was unable to believe, unable to grasp that she had called me. Cowardice clenched my heart with an iron fist and I was unable to move. A loud bump from her room urged me to hurry at last. I opened the door only to see her lying on the floor between bed and door, twitching violently. I stared at her, my legs rooted to the spot. I needed her to look up, to stare into my face with her soft eyes now swollen from her tears, to bring me back to reality.
Thinking back I couldn't explain how exactly the next minutes went by. My reasoning turned back with us both lying in her bed, her comforter warming our bodies, Cho's trembling frame pressed against my own with barely enough room for her shakings. She seemed to need hours to find a modicum of composure again. Our tear glands were long dry as she found sleep at last. My own thoughts didn't allow me to follow her into slumber for a long time after that. This was only our second day. How would be the next?
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Room of Requirement – Day 3 Morning (Hermione's POV)
Groggily I awakened the next morning, the morning of the third day. As I opened my eyes I stared directly into Cho's, her dark eyes still very red from the tears. But her face showed a hint of composure again and her lips a small, very weak smile.
"Good morning, Mione," she whispered, the affection in her voice surprising and relieving me. The evening before I had feared that I had lost her with my mingling, but now I saw determination in her eyes. "I wanted to tell you something. Please stay quiet until I'm finished. I don't know if I'm able …" She sighed and only continued after my silent nod.
"You asked me about the kisses fleur and I shared." As I started to interject she pressed her soft finger on my lips and showed another smile. "Mione isn't the ideal of discipline I thought her to be, it seems." I reciprocated her smile and nodded to encourage her to go on.
"I understand that you thought … that you imagined Fleur and me to have moved further in our relationship. How did you call it: holding hands, kisses and all those things?" She smiled shortly but shook her head afterwards. "We never went this far. Our relation had always been very difficult and full of misunderstandings. I had been too much of a coward to act on my emotions and Fleur … it was only in the last moment that she opened her heart."
Cho stayed silent for some minutes, her head rested on her hand, her elbow pressed into the pillow, her black hair flowing down her arm while her free hand played with my fingers as if the words she searched where somehow hidden therein.
"As we all prepared to watch the last test, I got a message from her. She wanted to see me at the Quidditch pitch. Full of fear I went to hear, not knowing what to expect. Her words surprised me, her emotions scared me. She said that she had feelings for me, in spite of all the complications between us. She declared me her love and … she kissed me. It was our first and only kiss. Fleur had bared her chest, her heart to me, opened herself to my reaction in good or bad and showed with this a bravery I never had in me. And what had been my reaction? I tossed her back. It was only a minute of cowardice, a minute that ended as soon as I reached the tribune and knew which error I made, but it was too late, I had squandered the single most important moment of my live."
I gripped her hand and pressed it assuredly but stayed quiet. Somehow I sensed that Cho wasn't finished, that she wanted to tell me something more, something terrible for her. And I was right. "I don't know why she choose that moment for her declaration, why she told me immediately before the test how she felt. Did she anticipate how dangerous the test would be? Did she fear to never come back, to never get another chance for these words? Or did she want to know if there was a chance for us both? Did she want to draw strength from my love to succeed, to survive?"
I knew the destination of her line of thoughts, knew the awful end of these words. But my mind was frozen, my tongue numb with fear, unable to stop her as she continued. "I suppose she knew that this test would lead her to the boundaries of her abilities and she searched for this small bit of extra determination that she would need, a reason to survive, a reason to come back alive."
Cho's voice trembled, the words were nearly incomprehensible. "And I let her down, I betrayed her love, betrayed our love. And with that I not only let her die in pain, in solitude, but also caused her death. Without my cowardice she would have been able to resist and to survive. She would have come back and not died there completely alone, lost …"
I draw her shaking body against my own, hold her arms with mine to give her assistance. With my hands occupied and my wish growing stronger with every of her words to stop her ramblings, her string of self-accusations, I pressed my lips on Cho's, intensifying the touch as she tried to steer away. After a while Cho stopped to move and to speak and I pulled away a little bit, grasped the side of her head with my hand.
"Voldemort had planned all this from the beginning. He switched this tournament into a deadly trap for Harry, starting with the forged invitation for Harry to join the tournament. He wanted Harry to win these tests, to reach the goblet so that he could catch him, kill him. No one was able to see thru these plans until it was too late, not even Dumbledore. No one could anticipate how far Voldemort was willing to go to fulfill his plans."
I stared into her eyes, trying very hard to show how earnest I meant my words. "Cedric and Fleur … they were bystanders, accidental victims to his plans. Aside from preventing their participation nothing could have prevented their death. Do you really think it would have made a difference in a battle against Voldemort and his minions how Cedric and Fleur felt in this moment? None of them, neither Cedric nor Victor nor Harry was able to defeat them. Without Cedric's sacrifice Harry would have died too and even so he was only barely able to escape."
Locking eyes with Cho, my hands holding her head near mine with no way to escape I continued, emphasizing every word: "You did wrong in denying her love, Cho. You should have been brave in that moment and given her the possibility to die knowing that someone loved her. And perhaps you'll never be able to compensate fully for this. But you are not responsible for her death. Voldemort and his minions are responsible and perhaps Dumbledore and the others are a bit responsible for not detecting his plans but not you. Neither your words, actions nor emotions killed her but his spell and nothing you could have done to save her. I know that you would instantly sacrifice your own life to save hers but it is not possible. You can't change what happened. Please don't humble her death and her love for you with these self-accusations. Fleur died loving you. She would never have allowed you to assume debt for her death. Yes, you caused her pain. But in this moment, with these words you would cause her even greater pain. Please stop these thoughts and concentrate on her last words, remember her kiss. She would want you to feel happy thinking about her, not to tear yourself apart for an imagined debt."
Gently I kissed the tears on her cheeks away and draw her close, sighing as Cho relaxed a tiny bit, resting her head on my shoulder. In this moment I could only hope and pray to Merlin that she believed me, that she allowed herself to believe.