"The body shuts down when it has too much to bear; Goes its own way quietly inside, waiting for a better time. Leaving you numb, and half alive."- Anonymous
A/N: Alright guys, this is going to be a short chapter! But I promise to make up for it in later chapters! Maybe even a double update late tonight or tomorrow depends on how well this chapter does! The first part is going to take you into Becas head, in her past. Give you a feel for her thoughts and feeling and how her relationship with Chloe and Aubrey came to be! TRIGGER WARNING FOR Mentions of brief self-harm/ suicide. Here you go ENJOY! Please R&R it really helps!
She had shut down before, that was no secret to anyone who knew Beca Mitchell. The girl with the dark eyeliner, and a bad attitude. Only, it was the people who really knew her; who actually took the time to get to know her, knew the real Beca Mitchell. The girl who hid behind all that eyeliner. "Your eyes are beautiful Beca. They remind me of the sky at night," Chloe once said when she walked in unannounced into Beca's dorm room, and the girl hadn't put on her make up yet. "Your have amazing eyes, you know? They remind me of the ocean, the deep blue that you really only see at night." Aubrey told her once as they stood in the bathroom at Aubrey and Chloe's apartment as they removed their make up to go to sleep. They knew that Baca's bad attitude and sarcasm were just a couple of her many defenses to keep people at arm's length. That way, there was no emotional connection. They couldn't get tired of her, if they didn't have anything to get tired of. And if they left - because they always do - they couldn't hurt her like they always did. Chloe and Aubrey had fought tooth and nail to get close to the little alt girl and find out the truth about her. Not just to satisfy their curiosity of her dark and mysterious demeanor. They did it because they wanted to know her. They wanted to know everything about her. What made her happy, what made her sad? Why she would always turn to sarcasm in serious situations, why she would run when something seemed to get too tough. Why she was always alone, and why she didn't bat an eyelash when her father, the only family she had, quit his job at the university and left the state for reasons still unknown. Beca knows, but she won't tell.
It took almost 2 years, and a lot of dragging Beca from her dorm, literally, they had to practically drag the stubborn DJ out of her room the first few times. But, after a while she would just hold up her hands in mock surrender when they would come into her room. She was getting used to it. They would come over, pick her up then go out and shop, which she hated, or go get something to eat, which she loved. After a while she became comfortable with them. She got used to how touchy Chloe always was. Always invading her personal space with that perfect smile in place, the one that made her eyes light up.
After she stopped shifting uncomfortably, or moving away at Chloe's near constant contact, Aubrey started up. She would wrap her arms around her, or make her lay down she could lay her head on Beca's chest. Beca secretly loved that. Aubrey took notice immediately when Beca started to absentmindedly run her fingers through her blonde curls. She had become used to it, and she would find herself plopping down on their couch, for one of the dreaded movie nights that they loved, and basically opening her arms, inviting them to cuddle into her.
Don't tell, but she began to love it. Long for it even. She opened up to them. Told them things she never told anyone. She told them how her Dad was unhappy with her Mom, and blamed his then 7 year old daughter for ruining their relationship. How he rarely came home anymore after work and she would watch as her Mom would try to keep a smile in place for her young daughter, but she wasn't happy. How one day their hushed arguments turned into loud screaming matches, which soon turned into her dad throwing things, and no longer holding in his feeling for the "child" as he called her, who ruined his marriage. He didn't want her, he didn't want her mother, and he was having an affair.
She hastily wiped away the few tears that had formed that night when she lay curled up with Aubrey and Chloe, her two favorite girls. She didn't mean to cry. But the memories of her father yelling at her 7 year old self as she tried to hide behind her mom's legs. Yelling that it was her fault. She cried again, when she told them how her mother tried so hard, but couldn't take it anymore and when Beca was sixteen, she came home to find her mother, the only person she loved, the only person she had, was hanging from the chandelier in the kitchen. She had struggled with depression since the divorce, and felt as though she had failed Beca. Beca disagreed. Not even a note left behind. She had no family. She became a ward of the state until they found out she had a father, who was fully capable of caring for her. By the time she was dropped off in his care, she was almost eighteen, thank god. He got money to take care of her. That's the only reason he took her in. Then when he found out the money would stop coming when she graduated high school, he hastily enrolled her into Barden University. That way, the money still came, and he dropped her off in front of Baker Hall. She was thrilled about college, but at least she was away from his hateful words and glares.
It was after her mother's death that her make up went from a little mascara and lip gloss, to a lot of mascara and thick eyeliner. Dark clothes. Piercings and tattoos that no one would give her the chance to explain that they actually meant something to her. The only things that meant something to her, that couldn't leave her, because they were permanently etched into her skin. The only needle she could handle was the kind that left a line of color behind. Music was another thing that was of great value to her. A way to express herself in a healthy way. She had gone into a dark place for a while, before she realized her passion for music. In that time she had been in a foster home and one of her foster brothers told her that she could make the pain go away if she cut herself. It would make her forget. So that's what she did. She locked herself in the shared bathroom, broke a shaving razor and sliced her left wrist. She instantly dropped the blade and grabbed a towel pressing it hard against the cut.
It hurt like a bitch and definitely didn't help. She cursed herself for doing it, and made a mental note to punch her foster brother later. Her first tattoo was the headphones on her left wrist. Something she loved that covered the scar that the blade left behind. She never cut again. Chloe and Aubrey were the best things that could have happened to her. Them, and at the time, she thought Jesse. Even through all of the pain of her childhood though, the abandonment, the depression, losing her mother and being used by her father. She had shut down, but she had never felt so numb. So dead inside. As when the questions started.
As they promised, Aubrey was on her right, Chloe on her left. She was still in the hospital bed, only she was now wearing pair of Chloe's sweats and a t shirt. They had helped her shower in the small bathroom inside her room, and she felt a little better after having her hair washed. Now she sat expressionless as the detectives, Snow and Kendrick asked her countless questions about the night Jesse raped her, about how he was the cause of her fall, and how everything was going to work from that point. They didn't make her retell the story of that night, and she didn't say anything about Stacie being there or that she knew anything at all.
She was doing well, until a certain question she wasn't expecting was asked.
"Between the time of the initial assault and the fall from the apartment stairs. Was he in anyway physically or verbally abusive?"
Chloe who sat at the edge of the bed, right next to her, felt her stiffen slightly and she looked at Beca with the same expectant gaze as the detectives. She looked down for a moment before looking back up.
"No. Not really," she said.
"What do you mean by that?" Snow asked. "Not really?" She shook her head. "I mean not really." She said, her voice laced with frustration. "He didn't hit me, or push me, or do anything like that," she said.
"Did he talk to you about what happened that night? Did he mention it at all?" Kendrick asked. She looked up and after a moment sighed.
"Yeah. He said it was amazing, he really enjoyed it and we should do it again soon," she said, her voice lacking any emotion. Aubrey and Chloe were the ones who went still this time and they looked at Beca with worry in their eyes. "But you didn't? Have sex, I mean?" Kendrick asked. "Consensual or not?" he asked.
"No. He wanted to, but I really tried to avoid too much alone time with him the past few weeks," she said. They nodded and wrote a few things down. "Beca, as you know, Jesse was arrested last night, we took him in ourselves, and he is denying anything happened between the two of you that wasn't mutual. He said you did have sex, but he didn't force you into anything," Snow said. The doctor walked in then. "Ms. Posen, can I have a word with you?" He asked and they all looked at him aside from Beca who looked into her lap, tiredly. Aubrey kissed Beca's temple. "I'll be right back, sweetie, you are doing great." She said and walked over to where the doctor stood by the door. "Yes?" He handed her a stapled packet of papers. "These are her release forms, and aftercare instructions, on her stitches, ribs and what to do if the abdominal pain gets worse. Also a few numbers for councilors in the area if she needs it." He said.
"Thanks." She said looking over the paper work as he continued to explain a few things they would need to do during her recovery.
"I already told you. He didn't force me, I let it happen, I initiated it. I didn't want it, but I didn't fight it either." She said. Snow looked at her sympathetically.
"That doesn't make it okay." She said. She pulled out a piece of paper and handed to Beca. "This is a restraining order for the time being. He isn't permitted within five hundred feet of you, Ms. Posen, or Ms. Beale," she said.
"Why does she need that? I thought you arrested him?" Chloe asked. They both looked solemn. "The thing is, we could only hold him long enough to question him, without a statement from Beca and evidence that he was responsible for her injuries." Chloe couldn't believe what she was hearing and Beca had shook her head slightly and lay back. "What do you mean you couldn't hold him?! What about what he did to Aubrey yesterday? And do you not see her? She is covered in bruises in a hospital bed having just suffered a miscarriage because of him, he did this!" Aubrey whipped around at the sound of Chloe's growing anger and the loudness of her voice. The girl's face was tinted red. She hadn't heard what made her upset but, she was clearly fuming and the detectives looked a little hesitant. She hurried over and reclaimed her space next to Beca who was attempting to subtly move away from Chloe and her growing anger. The shrill sound of her voice as she yelled at the detectives was making her uncomfortable. Aubrey instantly wrapped her arms around her and looked at Chloe.
"Chloe, please. Lower your voice," Aubrey warned.
"Please do, Ms. Beale. We will be able to bring him back in, it was just the matter of not having anything to show for why he was there. Now we have Becas statement, hospital file and pictures of her injuries, and well as documentation of the miscarry," Kendrick said. "We will bring him in as soon as we are sure you three are settled at home." Snow said. Aubrey nodded. "Are you done?" She asked. "For now, yes. We have what we need. We will be in touch though." They said as they stood up. Chloe was still angry and didn't accept their offered hands for a handshake goodbye. Aubrey smiled at them apologetically.
"Thank you Beca. I hope you feel better soon," Snow said.
Beca gave a small nod. "Thanks."
They walked out and the Doctor followed them. Aubrey immediately turned to Chloe. "Chloe, what the hell? You can't just yell at police like that," she lectured. Chloe huffed.
"You didn't hear anything that was said did you?"
"No. But, I know it was because they released Jesse," she said. Chloe looked at her in shock, as if she couldn't understand how the blonde was acting so calm about the fact that the guy was out, probably at Barden waiting for Beca to be released from the hospital. "They will get him, and he will be in there and away from Beca for a long time. But, Chloe you need to keep your temper in check. You can't go yelling at police and scaring people, she glanced pointedly at Beca who still had her eyes in her lap. Chloe suddenly understood why Aubrey was so calm. She was trying to keep the environment as calm and tension free as possible and Chloe's outburst had made Beca nervous.
"I'm sorry." She sighed. "I just want him locked away," she said. Aubrey smiled softly at her. "We all do," she said. Then gently hooked her finger under Beca's chin and lifter her face to look at her. "Are you okay?" she asked.
Beca just nodded. She looked tired, exhausted even. "Can we go home?" she asked, and it was then they realized how tired she was. Her voice was low, and her eyes were starting to get droopy.
"We can actually." Aubrey said. "I just got your release forms. Chloe will you go get her doctor and we will get these signed and get out of here?" she asked. Chloe nodded. "I'm sorry for getting upset, Becs." She said carefully. Beca looked at her. "It's okay, Chlo. I know how you feel. I just don't have the energy to voice it, so you did it for the both of us." She said with a tired attempt at a smirk before she yawned. Chloe smiled, relieved Beca wasn't upset.
"I'll go get the doctor." She said and got up walking out. Beca leaned against Aubrey. "Thank you, Bree," she said.
"What for?" She asked as she brushed the soft curls out of face. "Being you," she said simply. Aubrey laughed, not entirely sure what she meant, but figured it was just due to how tired she was, knowing that the stress leading up to the detectives arriving on top of the stress of the questions, she needed to sleep. "Anytime," she laughed lightly.
Chloe walked back in then followed by the doctor. "Alright Ms. Mitchell, it looks like your being busted out of here!" He said walking up. She smiled tiredly at him. "You feel alright?" he asked.
"I'm just tired," she said. He nodded. "That's normal, you will need a lot of rest in the next few days, stay off of that ankle and if you absolutely must walk, use a crutch. I'll have some ready for you before you leave," he said. She nodded. "Okay, well, we already went over what needs to be done through the recovery and I wrote down the checkup appointment a week from today on the paper. Just come in anytime during the day and we'll get you checked out, and get those stitches out," he said. They nodded. "Alright, well I hope you feel better, you are in good hands." He smiled at the two other girls.
"I'll bring in a wheel chair and you can be on your way," he said. Fifteen minutes later Aubrey pushed Beca out of the hospital in a wheel chair as Chloe retrieved the car and pulled it around to the doors. After tossing the backpack Chloe had brought holding their clothes, into the back seat. She opened the passenger side door and helped Beca into the front seat. After getting her situated and leaning the seat back. She buckled her up and got into the back.
Beca was slowly dozing off as they pulled up to the apartment and groaned at the thought of having to walk into the building and ride the elevator up three floors. She was so tired she just wanted to sleep. After helping her out of the car, and a hearing a small hiss of pain, Aubrey realized that this wasn't a trip the small DJ was going well enough to make. With a small smile she stood in front of Beca and turned around kneeling down slightly. "Okay, sweetie, grab on." She said. Beca looked confused and Chloe smiled fondly at the blonde as she grabbed the bag from the back seat as well as Beca's new crutches. "What?" Beca asked.
Aubrey laughed. "You're exhausted," she said standing back up. "There is no way you are going to make it up there, so just wrap your arms around my neck and lean into me. Don't jump, I will just lift you," she said. "Bree, you don't have-"
"Beca Ella Marie Mitchell, get your stubborn butt over here and grab on." Aubrey commanded and Beca decided it was no use. She waited for Aubrey to lean down again, taking notice of easily it was for her to drop down low enough for Beca to just wrap her arms around her and press against her back. Must be the squats. She thought as Aubrey easily stood back up with Beca on her back. She reached behind her grabbing Beca's legs and carefully wrapping them around her. "I haven't had a piggyback ride since I was twelve." She laughed lightly. Chloe smiled at the two and very quickly and carefully snapped a few pictures on her phone and sent them to all the Bella's. "I haven't given a piggy back ride since Chloe broke her ankle our freshman year," she laughed. Chloe laughed too. "You were so sweet Bree," she said. "Always taking care of people."
"Only the one's I love." She said and quickly snapped her mouth closed when she realized what she just said. Chloe's eyes shot to Beca who still looked like she was about to pass out any second, but turned her head and lay it down on Aubrey's shoulder closing her eyes as they walked up to the building.
She wasn't sure exactly what Aubrey meant, but figuring she meant it in the way as caring for a friend she brushed it off. Besides, she was pretty sure Aubrey and Chloe had something together, that made her feel off slightly but she ignored it. Either way, as she felt sleep quickly winning the battle between staying awake and passing out, she softly mumbled, "I love you too, Bree."
A/N: There it is! Please Review?! Let me know you feel about this story, and if you are ready for some more drama! Cause some serious stuff is coming! (I already have the cover for the sequel made, and I'm so sad that I cant share it because it's a major spoiler for this story!) Damn. O well! Thanks for reading you awesome people!