This one's bound to get me in trouble, as I'm pretty much picking on the last 1/3 of Deathly Hallows. So before I begin, I want to be very clear – I may have a few teensy complaints over details, but I really do love the Harry Potter books. Overall, they tell an amazing story. This is criticism of love, not hate. Like when your mom says 'are you really wearing that dress with those hips?' Please take it in the tone it is intended.

But be honest, when you read the end of Deathly Hallows, didn't you find yourself having to go back and reread key points to make sure you understood them? And if we had a hard time understanding it, how did poor Harry feel?

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6th: Accidentally on Purpose

One small conversation could have changed everything …

Harry stumbled out of the Headmaster's office in a daze. It was like a horrible dream … apparently, he was a Horcrux, which meant he had to die … and his mentor, the man he followed even beyond his grave, had known … and had told him nothing … hadn't prepared him at all for this bombshell. He stopped mid-step and looked down where his sleeve had torn away. Taking a deep breath, he moved a trembling hand to the exposed flesh and gave it a mighty pinch.

"Yeoch!"

"Harry, mate … you alright there?" asked a concerned voice from somewhere beside him, and Harry slowly tilted his head to the side.

He spotted Ron standing very close to him with a confused look on his face. Without straightening up, he tried to explain, "Just checking … hoping I was dreaming … guess not."

Ron and Hermione shared a silent look; one that spoke an entire conversation that included questioning Harry's sanity and wondering if there was any food left in the kitchens and determining their course of action (which, regretfully, did not include a trip to the kitchens).

Pulling Harry into the nearest room, which turned out to be Professor Hooch's office if the numerous posters of half-dressed male Quidditch players all muscular and sweaty could be trusted, they sat him down and listened as he told them about Snape's memories.

Being true friends, they "eww"-ed at the part where Snape and Lily were friends and "ick"-ed at the part where Snape's patronus was a doe and eventually "bleepity-bleep"-ed when he got to Dumbledore's cold discussion of his death.

"But I don't understand," he said as he finished his tale, "Dumbledore said Riddle had to be the one to kill me, but what if he chickens out and has someone else do it?"

"Oh Harry," Hermione gushed, her voice cracking as she struggled between going into all-out lecture mode and pulling Harry into a tight bear hug. "I don't think he has to be the one to kill you, I think Dumbledore just reasoned that if he was the one to kill you, you might be able to come back."

"What do you mean, 'come back'?" Harry asked. "You can't come back ... no one can come back. When you're dead, you're dead."

"Normally, that would be correct. But –"

"Harry," cried an overly-excited voice from the door, unintentionally interrupting Hermione's explanation. "I'm so glad I found you! Is it true, Harry? Is it true? Do you really have a master plan to vanquish You Know Who, imprison all his Death Eaters, and take over the Ministry? And then we can all return to Hogwarts together and –"

"Colin! We're kinda in the middle of something here." Harry tried to say it semi-nicely, and based on Colin's smile he succeeded.

"Oh, right, of course you're doing something important. You're the Chosen One. Everything you do is important. Hey, how about I take a picture of this important meeting – you know, for prosperity. I've just left my camera in the other hall, it won't take but a minute to fetch it."

"Or you could just scram," Ron told the boy.

Colin ignored the remark as he eagerly waited for Harry to share his wisdom. Ron ignored Hermione's reaction as he didn't feel like being lectured.

"You know what would really help, Colin?" Harry asked the boy, an idea forming in his mind to get the pest out of their hair. "If you'd run outside and count how many Death Eaters there are. Make sure you circle around so you don't miss any."

"Yeah," agreed Ron, warming to the idea, "but be careful you don't count the same ones twice … that would ruin the count, see, and we need an exact count … you know, for prosperity."

"Exactly," Harry agreed, trying to keep from openly grinning.

Hermione tried to stop Colin but it was no good. Harry's wish was his command and he was gone before she could even get his name out. She turned to give Harry an evil glare, but with his best 'innocent little me' look Harry politely said, "sorry for the interruption, Hermione. You were explaining how I can come back from being dead?"

"Er, yes … it's because you're, well, special. I know it sounds corny, but I'm sure you can come back. You Know Who created a loophole when he created his new body. He used your blood when he made it and that tied your body to his. As long as his new body is alive, your body can't die."

This confused Harry, as it seemed a blatant contradiction. "But, if my body can't die, then how would the Horcrux get out of me?"

"It would leave your body at the same time your soul leaves, only your soul would be able to come back, because your body won't be totally dead, just dead-like."

"Dead-like?" he unknowingly repeated. What did that even mean? Zombie's were dead-like, weren't they? And vampires? Shaking his head in denial, he turned to her and, instead of shouting 'that's crazy talk, woman!' like he wanted to, he calmly said, "you do realize that makes no sense, right?"

"Honestly Harry, don't you listen? Only your body is tied to Riddle by the blood. The Horcrux inside you isn't tied to him, so your soul gets to return because of your connection to Riddle, but the Horcrux moves on."

"Isn't tied to him?" Ron interrupted. "It's part of his soul. Doesn't get tied much tighter than that, I shouldn't think."

Exasperated, Hermione explained, "That was before he made the Horcrux. When that piece of Riddle's soul left his own body, its natural connection was broken. It's that way for all Horcruxes. Otherwise, the Horcrux would be able to return to him when the object it's inside is destroyed."

"Then how do you explain the connection with my scar? If he isn't tied to the Horcrux inside me, than how do we share thoughts and visions and biscuit recipes? Why do I feel his emotions and feel pain when he's close? Why do I …" and his voice grew very quiet as he gestured with his hand, "feel that burning down there when he pees?"

"I don't have all the answers, Harry," Hermione conceded (leading Ron to make a mental note to mark this date on his calendar). "That must be a different kind of connection."

"Riiight." Harry said aloud, while to himself he thought 'different Dudley's pasty arse'. "So, back to my original question, what if Riddle's not the one that kills me? What if he's, I don't know, worried that the curse might rebound again so he has Malfoy or one of his other goons do it?"

"Well … I would think … that is to say … "

Seeing Hermione floundering, Harry continued, "I mean, I'm tied to him through our blood, not our wands. So how does it matter who tries to kill me? Shouldn't I be able to return regardless? Assuming Riddle is still alive, of course. If he was already dead, this whole conversation would be rather pointless."

"Unless it was a vampire that got you," Ron helpfully offered. "A vampire could suck all your blood out and that would pretty much end your connection to You Know Him, since you wouldn't share the same blood anymore. Might connect him to the vampire, though."

Hermione opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to come up with a good answer to Harry's question. Ron's addition to the conversation was largely ignored.

She finally settled on, "Dumbledore said it has to be You Know Who, Harry. I admit, I can't think of any possible reason why it has to be him, but better safe than sorry, right? Best to let him be the one to kill you to increase the odds that you can come back."

"I'm still confused," Ron called out, to no one's surprise. "I thought nothing could raise the dead. Isn't that like a fundamental law of magic or something?"

"He wouldn't be raised from the dead, Ronald," Hermione tried to calmly explain, though Harry could tell she was itching to smack him upside the head. Honestly, her hand was trembling at her side. "Harry won't really be dead, only mostly dead … then when the Horcrux is gone he sort of wakes back up."

Harry held up his hands to get their attention, which was a good thing as the trembling in Hermione's hand had turned into a pronounced clenching. "Alright, I think I've got it. I let Riddle – and only Riddle, because for some unclear reason it has to be him – hit me with Big Green. Only, I won't actually die, so much as just not be really alive … sorta in between alive and dead, but more dead than alive … so both my soul and this bloody piece of Riddle's soul, one that's not connected to him in any way other than that it shares thoughts and feelings with him … yeah … they both leave my body – which sounds an awful lot like death to me – but after that my soul can return to my still alive body while the Horcrux goes to rot in hell."

"Finally," Hermione said with a loud sigh.

Ron, perhaps a little behind the others, still had a confused look on his face. "But wait a minute … I don't remember the Killing Curse being on the list of things that can destroy a Horcrux." OK, so maybe he wasn't behind after all. "I mean, if it could, wouldn't they be pretty easy to get rid of? You could just walk around and blast anything you suspected of being one. Am I right?"

Harry got over being surprised that Ron had noticed the glaringly obvious while both he and Hermione had missed it. Turning to Hermione, he tilted his head in silent question.

At first, Hermione could only shrug helplessly in reply. But twelve and a half minutes later she came up with an explanation, which was much faster then the boys had expected, given the lack of large, dusty reference books in the room. "Maybe … maybe you're not a real Horcrux, maybe you're just nearly a Horcrux."

"That makes sense," Ron was surprisingly quick to agree, "he made you one by accident, right? So … maybe that makes it different. I mean, think about it. It's like a girl that's only a little pregnant. She's not really pregnant."

"Ah, Ron … a little pregnant is the same as pregnant," Hermione gently explained. "Girls only say they're a little pregnant because they're in denial or trying to be cute. They're still pregnant."

"Oh. What about … what about … oh, I know. There was this story Mum used to tell us about this man that drank this strange potion and it was supposed to make him extra smart or handsome or something but instead it accidentally turned him into a monster. But only after the sun went down … or was it when he ate after midnight? … no, it was when he got wet … yeah, he turned into this big, hairy monster when he got wet. But he was just fine when he was dry. Like that?"

"Very good, Ron," Hermione said in a proud voice as she winked at Harry, "we'll do our best to keep Harry dry."

Ron wasn't sure if he was being made fun of, if Hermione truly felt he'd been helpful, or (come to think of it) even exactly what he'd just said, so he choose to keep quiet.

"Er, hairy monsters aside," began Harry, "if I'm not a real Horcrux, then why did Dumbledore say I was? Why didn't he say I was just a little Horcruxish? "

"That's easy," Ron chuckled, "Horcruxish sounds like something you say when girls do things for money … you know … that Parkinson is quite Horcruxish."

"He didn't want me to think I was a slutty girl?" a skeptical Harry asked.

"Exactly," Ron replied, giving Harry a manly pat on the back. He was very happy Harry had caught on so quickly.

Hermione had to bite her cheeks to keep from laughing while a distracted Harry began making a mental list of all the girls he thought might be Horcruxish, with a subheading for those worth approaching when the battle was over (or maybe even before … this thing could drag on for days). It is hard to say what Ron was thinking, but he had a goofy grin on his face the entire time.

The trio sat in silence for many minutes, until finally the sharp sound of metal clanking on stone out in the hall broke them from their deep thoughts.

"Alright then. I know what I'm supposed to do," Harry said with confidence. "I'm supposed to let Riddle hit me with the Killing Curse, which is only going to mostly kill me but is going to completely kill the Horcrux inside because apparently I'm a special kind of Horcrux that works completely different from a normal Horcrux, and since I'm only mostly dead I'll still be alive in the end. That's what I'm supposed to believe?"

Ron made a soft whistling sound, and when he thought Harry wouldn't notice he made the 'you so crazy' sign by swirling his finger near his head.

"Well … " Hermione began, and Harry knew that when Hermione started slowly, it meant he wasn't going to like what he heard. "You're definitely supposed to think the first part – about letting him kill you. But … he didn't really explain the rest to you, now did he? So I don't think you're supposed to know the other part … because … I don't know … maybe he didn't want to get your hopes up in case we're wrong and you really do die and – you know – stay dead like a normal person. Plus, if you go into it willingly and expecting to die, then maybe there's some kind of ancient protection like with your Mum … only who would be protected? It worked for her because you shared her blood, and it's not like you share blood with the whole world … you really only share it with your Aunt and cousin … oh, and him … which kinda blows the whole protection angle out the window. Just forget I said that last part." By the end of her speech Hermione was looking very apologetic.

Harry blinked twice at his friend ... then one more time. "Right," Harry decisively declared as he stood and patted down his pockets. "I've got a few spare galleons. I think I'm going to head back to the Hog's Head for a bottle or three. You two coming?"

Ron quickly jumped up to join his poor, crazy, marked-for-death best friend. But Hermione sputtered as she asked, "But … but, what about You-Know-Who?"

"He's welcome to come along, I guess, but he's buying for himself," Harry replied.

"Harry …"

"Hermione, it's going to take a whole lotta alcohol for me to be stupid enough to go through with that plan. So, you up for a game of Knuts?'"

** end chapter **

Notes: This is born from the headache I get every time I try to figure out how everything miraculously worked out just right in DH. Simply put; it shouldn't have. There were just way too many co-incidences and one-in-a-million happenings and contradictions. And yet ... I'd have been truly upset if Harry had died, so I guess I can't complain too much.

Please don't write to me with all sorts of theories and explanations as to why it worked in the book. I've probably read just about everything that's out there. And thinking about it too much triggers migraines.

That bit about Harry being nearly a Horcrux was introduced to me by a reviewer of my other story, and it comes from an interview Rowling did for PotterCast. In it, she says, "For convenience, I had Dumbledore say to Harry, "You were the Horcrux he never meant to make" … But Harry was not- did not become an evil object …" Her reasoning is that because Tom didn't perform the ritual, the Horcrux isn't 'real' or 'complete'.

(Feel free to skip this rant) And on the surface, that sounds great because it solves so many problems, like why Tom can't possess Harry. But it creates just as many – like why couldn't the soul just be removed, since it wasn't anchored to Harry through a ritual? A simple banishing spell should have done it. And, if it didn't become a part of Harry, how could it possibly cause that freaky connection? How could Harry use part of it – the parseltongue – if it was completely separate from him without any ill effect; because when Ginny 'used' the Diary Horcrux it slowly drained her lifeforce? Doesn't the fact that he can access its 'power' (for lack of a better word) rather prove it did become part of Harry?