You hear a bloodcurdling scream echoing all around you and you close your eyes, covering your ears hoping it will go away because who would be screaming at a normal time like this? Not you!
You've just gotten home and Equius greeted you enthusiastically.
He wanted you to go upstairs with him so you did without question.
You got to Gamzee's room and saw Gamzee hanging there. Wait- Gamzee… Hanging.
You re-open your eyes and realize that you're the one screaming, you voice goes hoarse and you collapse to the floor.
Tears well up in your eyes and you sit on the floor, waiting. Waiting for him to just… take off the noose and drop to the floor, laughing in your face.
As moments turn to minutes and minutes surely change to hours, you start to come to the realization that this… is a dream!
You feel two small arms wrap around your torso and you know that this is a dream.
You're going to wake up and you'll be in bed with Gamzee and he'll kiss you when you open your eyes and he won't be… d-dead.
You shut your eyes tight, hoping you disappear and you re-open your eyes but you're still… here.
"G-Gamzee… Stop it… This isn't funny anymore! Well… It wasn't really funny in the first place b-but…" You trail off shakily.
You wait a few seconds with no response and tears roll down your cheeks.
"GAMZEE!"
You try to stand but your legs are apparently jello so you fall back down on your ass.
Wake up. Why won't you wake up?
You slowly collapse in on yourself, going into child's pose.
"Nepeta," You shoot up from the floor upon hearing a voice you don't recognise at first. "May I ask what happened?"
Fuck, how do you tell a kid about suicide? How do you tell a kid that that suicide was your fault?!
"H-He's sleeping… a-and so are we!"
Wow. Great cover. 10/10.
Now confused more than ever, Equius lets go of you and asks, "Why would he sleep there? And… Why are you crying?"
You wipe your tears away with the back of your hand and sigh, then chuckle in an attempt to make light of the situation you're in.
"Oh, I didn't see him at first and it scared me…"
Equius snorts which you assume is a chuckle, or you at least hope is a chuckle and you awkwardly divert eye contact from him, waiting for him to move on to a different topic.
When he doesn't, you move your attention back to Gamzee, who is no longer swaying in the air.
How long has he been hanging there? If you had come home earlier… could you have stopped him? Or were you the reason he did it?
You shudder at the thought, though you know it's likely true.
Why haven't you woken up yet?
You have to get out of here… You have to get out of here… You have to get out of here…
You take Equius's hand and rush downstairs with only one thing on your mind: Gamzee is dead and it's all your fault…
"Nepeta, where are we going?" He asks innocently to which you reply with a single word.
"Out,"
You grab the keys, open the door and walk the two of you outside and you lock the door.
You speed walk to the car, likely dragging Equius along. You open the door to the back seats and usher the troll into the car and get in.
Without hesitation, you get the car out of parking and start driving down the road.
Equius sits in silence, gazing out the window to his side.
You drive down the busy roads of New York, gripping the steering wheel as if you were strangling something as the sun begins setting in the corner of your eye.
Multiple times during the ride you force yourself to keep your eyes on the road and not check to see if Equius is still in the car with you.
Multiple times during the ride, you force yourself to stay on the road because no matter how much you want to kill yourself, you couldn't kill a child.
So you stay on the road and keep your attention there and only there until you think you hear Equius stir.
Your hands start to shake because oh God he's gonna say something and you'll let the truth slip and everything will be ruined and it'll be all your fault…!
Shut up, shut up, shut up, Nepeta! Keep your focus on the task ahead of you.
You take a quick glance at the mirror above to see Equius staring at you like a deer in headlights.
"Equius, is everything alright?" You ask, praying to god that he isn't upset with you like Gamzee is was.
The child seems to come out of a sort of trance he was in, blinks a few times and looks away from the mirror and apologizes, looking through the window once again. "Yes, Miss. I STRONGLY believe that all is well."
A guilt begins gnawing away at your insides almost immediately and you can practically feel yourself being eaten alive by this lie.
You were hoping this wouldn't feel as bad as it does because children are supposed to be gullible little things but this child is not a human… He's a troll and he's a highblood at that.
You can't let this soften you though. You have to stay "strong" and make sure your kid doesn't know you indirectly killed your own boyfriend and then… Who knows what would happen?
Your hands start to shake just thinking about it… You've gotta keep a firm grip on the steering wheel, dammit.
Okay, okay. Just breathe… In… and out… In… and out… In… and watch out for that TRUCK!
You veer back into the correct lane, swallowing a shriek so as to not alarm the child in the car but Equius lets out a panicked whinny and you apologize, shooshing him gently.
You feel your heart pounding as you slowly pull into the mall parking lot.
You look back at your passenger with a forced smile because dear lord, you nearly killed yourself and he both.
"We're okay, honey. Don't worry."
You can't tell if you're trying to convince Equius or yourself that everything is okay now.
You get out of the car and as you walk to Equius's door, you quickly go over the brief list of things you're here for: clothes and blonde hair dye. Simple.
As long as you don't have to see Gamzee's dangling body anymore, you think you'll be okay… For now.
You are now Gamzee Makara.
Your girlfriend just left the apartment, no doubt bringing that kid with her.
You lift up your head and slip from the rope noose holding you in the air and fall down to the carpeted floor.
You crack your neck to the left and right with a satisfied sigh and look around the room of the crime.
The ring is still on the floor as well as the box, which is strategically placed on the floor, away from the ring.
You chuckle to yourself, grabbing a sheet of lined paper to use as a 'suicide note' and pick up a pen to write said note.
You can't believe you only thought of this now…
You begin to write, adding the occasional shakiness of the hand to add 'emotion'.
Ater two simple lines are written, you fold the paper and place it by the fallen chair on the floor.
You'll come back to this scene later… For now, you think you'll take a little stroll around the apartment.
You walk down the stairs and examine the darkened area with a smirk.
This oughta teach her about saying no.
You approach the counter after flicking the switch and the apartment lights up like a christmas tree.
You chuckle to yourself as you watch the kitchen light up last and see an electronic hastily laid on the counter then pick it up.
Dumb bitch left her phone here in her hurry to leave… She's gonna regret leaving her only means of communication here with a 'dead' man.
You speed dial Feferi Peixes in a controlled anger, ready to lash out at any time.
This hoe better pick up or you swear to God…
"Hello?" Her annoying voice sounds with a bit of happiness that you plan to crush when she realizes you're not your girlfriend.
"Hello, Peixes." You respond with a hint of spite.
"Oh," She doesn't even bother hiding her disappointment in hearing your voice.
"Right back 'atcha, sis."
"Ugh," She groans. "I have no idea how she stands you!"
"'Cuz she fuckin' loves me. That's how. Now lemme talk to her."
A moment of silence. "Wait… She's not with you?" She asks, her attitude replaced with concern.
"She's not with you?"
"N-No," The woman stutters.
"You lyin' to me, Peixes?" You snarl.
"What?! No! Why would I lie to you about Nepeta's well being? She's my best friend!"
"An' she's my girlfriend, bitch." You spit. "So if she's with ya, I better hear her voice now or so help me-"
"I don't know where she is, okay? Why do you always assume she's with me when she's not with you?"
"'Cuz she always wanna be 'round you, okay? She ain't neva' with me when you're there."
Feferi is silent for a few moments and you're tempted to hang up right then and there until she speaks again.
"Gamzee… I'm sorry but I have no idea where she is."
You sigh softly, your anger fading. "Awright. G-Goodbye." You utter before hanging up.
You drop Nepeta's phone back on the counter and drag your hand down your face.
You scared her away. She left you for dead. You're horrible. She deserved it. You're a monster. You can't wait to see her face when she realizes it was a joke. You're not yourself anymore.
You glance around the room again and your eyes settle on the fridge.
You walk over to said fridge and open the door, grabbing a can of beer and slam the door as you turn away.
You slink over to a chair and sit, cracking open a nice, cold beer.
You take a long swig from the can and swallow with a burp and a sigh.
Then, you hear a car slow and finally stop nearby.
That must be Nepeta and Eq-whatever-the-fuck..
You quickly put down your half empty beer on the table and hurry back up the stairs, leaving small differences throughout the house to let her know that you're still here.
You get to your room and hide in the closet, now just waiting for the fun to begin.
You are once again Nepeta Leijon.
… You're not entirely sure when you weren't Nepeta Leijon but you don't think you're in the right mind to say so.
Eh, you probably just had another dissociative episode. Nothing new here.
You feel a tug on your pants that yanks you back a bit.
This kid really doesn't know his own strength, does he?
"Miss Nepeta, are you positive you're alright? I could take those bags from you." Equius says innocently.
You smile softly with a chuckle, looking down at your shaking arms which both carry three bags.
"Th-Thank you, dear."
Equius nods pridefully, taking the bags from you with easy which is the least surprising thing that's happened to you today.
Equius starts to walk to the apartment but you stop him with your voice. "Equius?"
He turns around, bewildered, the bags tossed in the air from the force of his spin.
"You don't have to call me Miss. Me and G- I'm your new lusus so you can call me mom." When Equius stiffens at the word 'mom', you quickly take it back. "O-Or Nepeta, whichever makes you more comfortable! I mean… you already started calling me Nepeta without the title."
"O-Oh. The sincerest of apologies, Nepeta." Equius's cheeks flush and he nods humbly, continuing to walk to the apartment.
You take a deep breath, attempting to mentally prepare yourself for re-entering G- his room to pack your things.
Calm down, Nepeta. You're just going into the room you and your dead boyfriend shared. Nothing unnerving about that at all! You're still dreaming, remember? Ha ha? Y-You mean ha ha!
You force yourself to walk to the door where Equius is waiting patiently.
You get to the door and raise a shaking hand towards the door knob.
Equius looks at you, his ears slightly back and you remind yourself that you are with a child and not to panic, then open the door.
Equius enters the apartment and you follow suit, watching every shadow of the house because you swore you saw Gamzee.
You take Equius's hand and start to walk further into what now feels like a completely new environment to you.
You stop in your tracks, feeling a chill run down your spine as your eyes focus on the counter.
A can of beer sits in the middle of the counter that you swear to God wasn't there before.
You tentatively walk over to the table and pick up the… half empty can and quickly put it back down, getting goosebumps.
"Equius, I want you to follow me and stay close to me no matter what, okay?"
Equius nods to which you reply with "Good boy" and he gives you a brief toothy smile before you start to walk up the stairs.
The stairs creak under your feet and you flinch with every sound you hear, holding Equius's hand tighter.
You reach the top of the stairs and look around the second floor of the apartment that you're positive isn't yours anymore.
You glance to the bathroom then to the bedroom door and back to the bathroom.
You open the bedroom door and see that Gamzee isn't there anymore and…
Gamzee's not there.
Your blood goes cold as you turn on the lights and oh God no, it wasn't an optical illusion.
Gamzee's hanging corpse is gone and you think you're gonna vomit.
You nearly spiral to the ground but then you see a note on the floor by the chair.
Did you… not see it before?
Oh god, it's a suicide note and it's gonna be him telling you it's all your fault and you know it's your fault… Everything is always your fault.
You hesitantly pick it up and unfold the note and start to read it.
It's short for what it is; sentences that appear to be only a few words each…
'Y'know sis… For someone who was always afraid o' clowns, ya sure made yourself out to be one.'
You drop the note to the floor and stomp on it shaking and proceed to get ready to leave quicker than before.
You have to get out of here. You have to get out of here. You have to get out of here.
You walk over to the bed and kneel onto the floor, reaching under the bed to pull out your suitcase: the one thing in your life that you still dare to call your own.
You open it and immediately go for the closet and dresser, grabbing as many outfits as you think you'll need to survive the week at the least, which is five.
You then grab some treasured items like pictures and your toothbrush and toothpaste from the bathroom and hairbrush from the bureau.
You take Equius with you back to the bathroom and tell him to put the bags down, which he does and you take out the hair dye that was eventually hidden by all of the clothes you bought for Equius and yourself.
You quickly grab some rubber gloves from one of your drawers and open the bag containing your key to identity change.
You grab a towel and wrap it around your shoulders and pick up your brush and hurriedly brush your hair, occasionally almost dropping the damn thing a few times.
You separate your hair into four sections and Equius watches, confused as if he were about to comment on what kind of strange ritual you were performing but he probably chose not to out of politeness.
You begin applying the hair dye as quickly as you can but as neatly as you can so your ginger hair doesn't show through at all.
Now you- Wait… You think you just heard something… Oh God oh no oh God.
Someone couldn't have gotten in, right? You locked the door and your apartment doesn't have many windows that you don't keep locked.
You reach your hand to the door and open it slowly, just a crack oh GOD THAT'S SOMEONE'S FACE IN YOUR FACE CLOSE IT. CLOSE IT NOW.
You shut the door as quickly as humanly possible, your heart practically leaping into your throat.
"Is something the matter, Nepeta?"
You spin around and shush him. "Yes dear, everything's fine."
There's a bang on the door and you stumble away from the entrance of the room, nearly falling into the shower.
Your heart is pounding as you clutch the countertop and pull yourself back onto your feet.
He's alive. He's alive. He's alive. Gamzee's alive…
You glance down at your child and smile through your fear. "Could you stay in here for a second? I need to check on G-Gamzee."
Equius nods and you open the door and rush into your boyfriend's arms, crying.
"Oh God, you're alive… Oh my God, you're alive… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry I said no… I'm sorry I caused you so much pain… I'll never do that to you again…" You manage to pull yourself away from his chest for a brief moment in which Gamzee smiles down at you and strokes your cheek with his thumb.
"Of course I'm alive, baby. I'd neva leave ya like that… If ya promise to never do that to me again, ya hear?"
"I won't… I promise…" You mutter, pulling him into a tight embrace, continuing to cry.
"Good."