Retrieval Saga
A Can Full of Clones
Chapter 6: Swapper
You'd think that after traveling through Morph's body to get a Viral Clone would be to take a break for a few days. Unfortunately for the group, that wasn't the case. Right now, Matt, Kala, Draco, and Chip were chasing after a viral pod that seems to have a Goldberg-like way of being moved forwards like landing on drain pipes, being swatted by curious cats, and bouncing off the tummy of that sunburned tourist and making him loose his ice cream. Matt was starting to wonder whether this was worth it when it was finally stopped by a tree root. "Thank goodness for that," he muttered as he bent to get the pod, "I'm not sure how much more I would have taken."
Suddenly three black fangs struck near his hand had been, making him recoil very quickly. Matt looked and groaned when he saw Silvia and NegaMorph. "Can't you two go after a different clone right now?" he moaned, "I've been having a rough time." "Isn't that too bad," said Silvia sarcastically, "but this pod's coming with us." "Not if we have anything to say about that," said Draco as he extended his extra limbs. "I'm not in the mood to fight," said NegaMorph as he reached for the pod. His hand was blasted by both Kala and Chip, causing the pod to fly into a nearby puddle. "Oh blitznak," said Chip as the pod activated.
When the light cleared, Matt saw a rather unusual-looking creature there. It looked like a lizard with six limbs and two heads on each end. Draco and Chip had horrified looks on their faces. "What ever you do," said Draco slowly, "don't draw their attention," before he accidentally stepped on a twig and snapped it. The lizard's two sets of eyes focused on Draco and Chip and zapped then with a green beam. Then it turned around and zapped them again. Matt wasn't sure, but he thought he saw something that looked like Draco and Chip coming out of their bodies during the first attack and then went into the other bodies during the next attack. Now the others were a bit nervous as the Viral Clone focused on them. "This can't be good," said Matt as the clone's eyes lit up again. Matt's scream was frozen in his throat as everything turned green.
The first thing Matt sensed was a distant voice that was filed under 'not good', "She's starting to come round." He made a mental not to kick the butt of whoever said that as his vision came back. The first thing that set off alarms was that everything was bigger. "I thought I wrecked that shrink ray..." he mumbled. He looked over to see Chip. "Chip? What the smeg is going on...ononononon," he gibbered, spotting his reflection in Chips plating. Instead of his normal face, or even that of his EXP or dragon form, it was Kala's face. 'Chip' sighed and said with Draco's voice, "This is going to take a bit to explain." Matt grabbed Draco/Chip and said "Make the explanation phenomenally good...like the ones you use to explain the holes in the ships canteen's wall." "First off, we told you it was accident. Second off, that was the Viral Clone of Swapper, the brain-switching experiment." "I dun wanna be Kala...wait...where did I go?" he said, noticing a lack of his body anywhere. "And where's that little virus pest?" "Kala probably isn't that far off," said Draco with Chip's voice, "but that clone is long gooone!" He tripped over something during the last word and fell on his snout. "Ow! This thing's a lot more sensitive than I thought." He turned to look at what he tripped over and saw it was NegaMorph. "Watch where you're going!" he snapped. NegaMorph glared back at him and said with Silvia's voice, "Sorry, but I'm getting adjusted to this."
Matt then started cackling like a hyena, either through the hilarity of the sound of Silvia's voice coming out of NegaMorph or he had completely lost it. It turned out to be the latter when he started trying to beat himself out of Kala's body with a rock. Kala staggered back in Matt's body in time to stop him though. "We can't stay like this," she said, holding a struggling and still giggling Matt. She twitched as V-627 took control, "I dunno...nice to have mental company that's your own species." before the inhibitor knocked him out of control. Chip said, "Well, there's Kala accounted for. Now where's the real NegaMorph?" They heard a thunk and turned to see Silvia's body sprawled on the ground. "How can you walk on these things?" asked NegaMorph, referring to his high-heel boots. "I was about to ask the same thing," said Silvia as she tried to stand on her three legs. Matt, who still hadn't beamed back from planet insanity, started giggling again struggling out of Kala's grip and before anyone could stop him, poked Silvia. The resultant charge as the resident soul shade and shine reacted sent them in opposite directions...Matt's journey ending in a rock. Kala went white. "MATT!" she yelled rushing over but stopped as more giggling and Matt saying 'Flying hurts...hehehe!' confirmed he was fine...if a bit singed.
Silvia was trying valiantly, if somewhat fruitlessly, to get back onto her feet. "What are we going to do? Me and NegaMorph have to report to Hamsterviel this afternoon and I am not letting him know we're in each other's bodies." Matt finally beamed back to mental sanity and said, "Why should we care? You're villains." Kala agreed, "Yeah. If we help you, you'll double-cross us first chance." "You're in no better position than we are," said NegaMorph as he took off his boots to make walking easier, "worse since you're in bodies with opposite genders." Matt and Kala exchanged looks before Matt reluctantly said, "Fine...but don't try anything," much to Draco and Chip's shock. "You guys sure about this?" asked Draco. "We're all in the same boat, I don't think they'd double-cross us if they want to return to their normal bodies." "He's right," said NegaMorph, "If I, er, she does assimilate V-355, she won't be able to switch us back to normal." Matt nodded then stopped, "But we get fixed first… still dun trust Silvia… sister or not." "I think we better catch Viral Swapper," said Draco, "we're a bit more accustomed to each other's bodies physically and mentally, which you guys are obviously not." Matt glared at Kala and said, "What makes you think I can't..." he started pointing at Draco, causing a plasma ball to bounce off him, "...ok, you do it." "Okay then, you guys just hang out at someplace while we get that clone, try to get used to your temporary bodies." "Will do," said Silvia, "NegaMorph, put my boots back on!"
Silvia and NegaMorph decided they didn't want to return to their room at the hotel just yet. First they want to find a place that they would be able to practice being each other and where they won't be overheard. The Aloha Stadium seemed decent enough. Silvia, after falling over for the 20th time finally snapped. "This is insane. How do you walk with three legs for smeg's sake." she yelled, not noticing the trademark traveler's swearword escape her lips. "Hey! I didn't ask for them! Just be glad your double-footed leg isn't tangling itself," snapped NegaMorph. "As for you, I can't understand how you can strut around wearing these silly stilettos, especially when you're so top-heavy." "NegaMorph!" shouted Silvia, her face flushing slightly.
Chris, meanwhile was heading into the stadium, blissfully unaware. He had no idea what had been wrong with Matt's voice when he'd announced over the comm that the entire crew had shore leave and to get out at once. He'd decided to visit the stadium and do some training. He was therefore shocked to see Silvia and NegaMorph arguing hotly. "What the hell's up with their voices?" NegaMorph was the first to notice and said, "Oh no! Not him now!" He tried to throw a lightning bolt, but he tripped and fell on his chest while the lightning bolt miss Chris's head, bounced off a metal seat, and hit Silvia, knocking her out. Chris looked behind him. "Er...nice shot." he said before smirking. "And what are you two up to? Nothing good I bet." NegaMorph coughed and tried with his best imitation of Silvia's voice (which wasn't very good at the moment), "Get out of here right now, Chris or you will be arrested in the name of Emperor Hamsterviel!" Chris stared. "What the hell? You sound like you need a truckload of throat sweets, Angela," he said. NegaMorph, unsure of what to do, slapped Chris's face and said, "That's General Silvia to you." Chris staggered back and suddenly looked ill. "NegaMorph? What the hell? How did you...wait...I was hitting on you? Uuuh," and with that revelation, Chris's brain decided it was time for a rest and he collapsed in a heap. NegaMorph frowned and said, "Shouldn't have slapped him, now he knows about this. I can't think of how this could get any worse."
Unknown to NegaMorph, another Viral Clone had entered the stadium. This one resembled a purple hummingbird. It perched on a seat until NegaMorph wasn't looking and then flew down to Chris. It whispered something in his ear before pecking him and flying off. Chris went rigid, still staring at NegaMorph then said in a daze, "I think I love you." It was NegaMorph's turn to have a shocked expression. "I'm sorry?" he said. "You're so pretty," he said in a dreamy voice. "What's the matter with- wait, I've heard of this, must be 3-2-3." NegaMorph looked around and noticed a firehose. He quickly ran over grabbed and drenched Chris from head to foot. Chris stared for a second. "Ok...what the hell was that?" he said in a very annoyed voice, his eyes glowing as the stress tried to activate his feral form. "Don't blame me, 3-2-3 pecked out and you started getting creepy on me," said NegaMorph, "and don't even think of going feral on me." Chris shook his head. There was a sort of buzzing feeling it, as if a bee were stuck in his brain. "Well you didn't have to soak me like-" He stopped as his eyes started flashing pink. V-Hunkahunka perched on one of the goals and sniggered as NegaMorph, after a second soaking failed, settled for punching Chris on the jaw. Chris shook his head and said, "So, you're NegaMorph, right?" "Yeah, Viral Swapper got loose and switched us all up." "That'd explain Matt ordering shore leave," said Chirs. A sudden thought came unbidden into his mind. "Say, you one thing you could do while you're Silvia?" NegaMorph frowned and said, "Forget it, I'm going with you on a date." "Not that," said Chris and whispered something in NegaMorph's ear. NegaMorph had a slightly disgusted look. "What do I look like, a supermodel?" "It's just a few pictures," said Chris, "All you have to do is just stand there." "No way. No." "What if I paid you?" "You'll have to fork over some big bucks to that," said NegaMorph. "I'll give you 100." "Sold…dammit."
Matt looked at Kala...then back at the hole in his room's wall. A larger one next to it showed that he was not the only member of the duo with power control problems. "We need help...didn't Lilo and Stitch have the same trouble with the first Swapper?" "I'm not sure," said Matt, "I want less people to know about this as possible. This would be really hard to live down, particularly with V-627." "Too late, mush," said V-627 through Kala, "Like I'd miss out on this...it's better the daytime TV..." Matt glared and then sighed. "Call them...the sooner I'm back in my head...the sooner I can get revenge on that A.I." he said before cackling evilly. "Okaaay," said Kala slowly, "I'll just go outside and find them." As she crept outside, V-627 said, "You like Matt, don't ya?" "No I don't!" said Kala. "Yes you do, I bet you're just dying to..." "Hey! That's private!" "That's what Matt kept saying every time he had to go to the bathroom." Matt finally calmed down enough and wandered over to the wardrobe. "At least this'll make telling us apart easier," he said, grabbing his NASA cap and shoving it on...only to walk into the door when it fell over his eyes, "...dammit."
Meanwhile, Draco and Chip were looking through the undergrowth for Viral Swapper. He was already hard to track without being stuck in each other's bodies. "How can you do anything with this tail?" asked Chip. "I was about say the same thing about these legs," said Draco, "I can't tell how to walk with them." "It's like with your normal legs when you're on all fours," said Chip. Draco tried this but eventually tripped on a tree root. He fell onto the ground face first. "I've fallen and I can't get up." Just then Lilo and Stitch passed them. "What are you two doing?" asked Lilo. "What does it look like?" responded Chip. "You're looking for Viral Swapper because you've been switched by him." Draco tapped the area where his nose would be if he had his old body. "I don't get it, was I wrong?"
Silvia came round to spot Chris. "Ok...what are you doing here?" she said in a surprisingly good impression of NegaMorph's voice. Chris' face heated up and said, "Er... nothing, nothing at all. In fact, I was just about to go." Silvia's 'bullshit' alarm rang...in some ways more sensitive then even Fibber. She turned on NegaMorph like the wrath of God. "NEGAMORPH?" she yelled, unconsciously gathering all the shadows in the stadium. Chris muttered, "Er...I'll leave you to it," turning to flee and was grabbed by the shirt. "Not a chance, Chrissy," said Silvia. "Now Silvia, I can explain," said NegaMorph. "What did you do?" she said, her eyes flashing red with each word. "Well, he managed to talk me into doing something for 100, and you know how I can't resist money." "Which is?" When NegaMorph finally revealed it, under pain of extreme pain, Chris had enough foresight at least to roll with the blow that sent him out via the stadium wall at a speed that caused a sonic boom. Silvia was holding several photos of her, or rather NegaMorph, posing in front of a camera in a skimpy two-piece bathing suit. Soon after looking over them, the pictures burst into flames in Silvia's fist. "You are so lucky you are in my body right now, otherwise I'd smash you to the other side of the solar system." NegaMorph gulped and muttered, "I hope those guys don't take too long."
Meanwhile, Draco and Chip have finally spotted Viral Swapper and were giving chase. They were actually keeping up good speed now that they've gotten accustomed to each other's bodies. In fact, it was only a small matter of time before they caught him. "That was easier than expected," said Draco. Suddenly a purple flash was seen and then something started divebombing Draco's head. "Hey! What the- quit it! Ow! Stop!" He waved his arms around until he hit something and hit the ground. It turned out to be Hunkahunka, althought the look in his eye obviously revealed him to be his Viral Clone. "Looks like it's two for the price of one," said Chip. But suddenly V-Hunkahunka flew up and pecked him on the back of the head. "OW!" Chip looked at Chip and said, "I think I love you." "Go jump in a lake," said Draco. "Yes, my love," said Chip as he ran off to do that. "As for you," said Draco. He turned one of his hands into the capture gun and fired at Hunkahunka. His aim was true and the Viral Clone was caught. Then Chip came back and said, "Did I just get pecked?" "Yep." "Thought so. Get that other Viral Clone to swap us back so I don't have to deal with gender-based emotions anymore."
Back at the North Star, Matt and Kala had been describing the 'interesting' last hour or so. "How did you two cope when you got swapped?" asked Lilo. Matt said, "We've got several dozen holes in the ship that me n Kala have respectively made between us." Lilo squinted at the holes and said, "Is it me, or are those holes arranged in a heart formation?" Matt stared. "Kala did those...Kala?" he said looking over at Kala who said "ITSYOURIMAGINATIONOOPS!" blasting the formation with another blast that Matt thought was surprisingly accurate. "Looks like we'll need to do some repairs before we leave," said Stitch. The wall creaked and completely fell over. "A lot of repairs." Matt just stared, catonic at the hole. "My sh...my sh...my ship." he stuttered, unable to cope with the huge hole in his beloved ship. "Matt, calm down, everything will be alright, we'll patch it up, we'll get our bodies back, Matt?" Kala looked worried as Matt's face was twitching in a way that didn't seem natural. Matt began to giggle a bit, similar to earlier before falling backwards out cold. "At least he isn't attacking anyone this time." said Lilo after a bit.
Just then Draco and Chip walked in with Viral Swapper and Hunkahunka in capture containers. "We're back," said Draco, "and we've got our bodies back. What happened here?" "It's a long story," said Kala. "Well pick up Matt and we'll find Silvia and NegaMorph so we can switch them back," said Chip. There was a clang from outside at that moment. When the gang went out, they saw Chris on the floor with his shape imprinted in the armor. "Heh...I found NegaMorph n Matt's sister...night-night," he said before passing out. "Judging by the angle of projection, I'd say that they're at the Aloha Stadium," said Chip, "it's good to have two brains again." Matt shook his head to shake the light-headed feeling. Then he spotted the hole again and snapped. "Who is responcible?" he muttered, getting funny looks from everyone. Kala ventured, "Er...NegaMorph?" At that Matt shot out the door in the direction of the stadiam. They all looked at Kala. "He looked like he needs to let some stress out," she said.
The gang arrived at the Aloha Stadium just in time to hear Matt say, "THEY DID WHAT?!" "I'm pretty sure that Chris has more of those pictures on him," said Silvia. Draco and Chip looked at each other in hesitation and then Chip spoke, "In their defense, I think Chris had been affected by Viral Hunkahunka, who seems to have a stronger after-affect than the original..." Matt walked back from the stadium and grabbed V-Swapper before glaring at it. "Swap Silvia and NegaMorph back otherwise the brief remainder of your life will be terminally exciting. Comprende?" he growled. The Viral Clone nodded both of his heads willingly and Matt, who had switched back with Kala by then, walked into the stadium. There was a flash of green light and a piteous scream from NegaMorph. There was a primal scream of 'DIE NEGAMORPH!' and NegaMorph went past at full speed, chased by Matt wielding his ion staff in one hand and a plasma orb in the other. Silvia followed after him, her hands crackling with lightning. Matt could be heard laughing insanely. Obviously he was enjoying doing something and judging from the explosions, it wasn't healthy for whoever was involved. After five minutes, Matt walked back. "Ok...all done. Let's go put these two in the brig."
Just then Morph walked by. "Hey Morph, have you seen Contrinus?" asked Draco, "I think there's still V-323 venom in me and I need to spend it up." "I am Contrinus," said Morph with Contrinus' voice, "don't you recognize me." After a majority of the group fainted, Morph said with his regular voice, "Got ya!" Matt, who hadn't fainted, death-glared Morph before aiming a finger and asking Draco. "May I?" "As long as you clean up afterwards," said Draco. Morph squealed like a little piggy and ran off. Matt just grinned like a shark faced with an all-you-can-eat meal and gave chase. "Hope it won't be as messy as what Silvia's cleaning up," said Chip. "Who says she's cleaning up?" said Draco as a lightning bolt struck not far away.
That was definitely a strane chapter. But I had a lot of fun writing it. I'm pretty sure this'll tickle everybody. Once again the gang got two Viral Clones captured, the one that started mess and the one that instigated it. What's up with that? Keep an eye out for the next chapter and please review.