I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead

(La Dispute - Andria)

Remus never was an early bird; he preferred to sleep on and off for hours after he woke up before he actually made out of bed. On days when he had nothing to do, he didn't get up until it was necessary.

After he woke up on the first day of the New Year, he didn't want to go back to sleep. He opened his eyes to find Elsie pressed against his chest with his arms around her. He wanted to move, but her scent turned his mind off – she always smelled so sweet and fresh, even now, when those flowery scents were mingled with firewhisky and champagne from yesterday. The messy, long, chocolate brown locks were tangled around Remus' fingers, as he kept playing with them on her back before they fell asleep. He carefully freed his hand and wiped the loose strands of her hair out from her face, gently brushing his thumb along her cheek. She shifted in her sleep; her small feet brushed against his skin, their legs still intertwined. There was something comforting in watching her sleeping. It reminded him old times.

He tried; he really did, but couldn't hold back his laugh any second longer as they were walking on the courtyard, closer and closer to the Forbidden Forest. It was early afternoon, a warm but windy summer day just after Elsie's Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. She shot an angry look at him and gently hit him in the shoulder with the back of her hand. "It isn't funny."

"Sorry," he said between laughs, while she only huffed and shook her head, crossing her arm across her chest. "An octopus… I wish I could see it," he sighed, wonderment in his voice, a mischievous smile tugging the corner of his lips as his girlfriend stopped in front of him.

"So what? Other people are afraid of spiders and snakes, and you think my boggart is funny?" she asked with an offended voice, poking his chest with her fingertip. "At least the chances I'll ever go face to face with them are very low."

Remus grasped her hands and pulled her closer. "Okay, I'm really sorry, I just never saw octopuses as… frightening creatures," he choked back the last chuckles, but his smile died away nearly immediately, his gaze trailed away, and a darker shadow appeared on his face. "But yeah, at least you don't have to face it."

"What's yours?" she asked in a small voice, but by the time the words left her lips, she knew the answer. Remus looked back at her with a sad smile before he leaned against a tree, looking down at his feet. "It's the full moon, isn't it?"

Remus only nodded, reaching his arm out to pull her close again. He still avoided her eyes while he locked his hands around her waist, trying to form his words. "I'm sorry," Elsie said while he was suffering with his thoughts. "I should've known that becoming a werewolf in every month is more frightening than anything."

"You know it's not just that," he shook his head, finally finding his voice.

Elsie furrowed her eyebrows in question, but as he looked back at her, his eyes told her what he was thinking about. She let out a tired sigh before she started, "Remus…"

"You know I could hurt you," he cut her off, his voice low, but Elsie raised hers. They had this conversation so many times before…

"You could never hurt me, Remus! You're the best thing that have happened me in my life so far; you helped me a lot through everything! You could never hurt me…" she repeated, her last words almost just a whisper.

He placed a hand on her cheek, gently rubbing it with his thumb. For seconds, he just looked at her with a slight smile, before he shook his head again. "No. You know it isn't true," he started and quickly pulled her back as she wanted to turn away. "You know I could hurt you, even if it wouldn't be on purpose. And what would be the difference, then? I would never forgive myself if anything would happen to you because of me."

"I would," she said firmly. "And I'm not going to give up on this relationship because there's a small chance of you could ever hurt me. I love you. I know you love me too," her voice barely more than a whisper, foreheads pressed against each other. "I know you'd do anything to keep me safe. I'm not afraid."

Remus let out a shaky breath as he nodded. He'd loved to believe her, he'd loved to feel that trust and confidence in himself that she felt towards him, but how could he be ever completely sure he could protect her from himself?

"You know what, maybe you should see what I accomplished today during my exam," she said now with a smile, trying to cheer him up. She stepped backwards and pulled her wand out from her robe pocket.

He cleared his throat, quickly trying to pull himself together. "Yeah, I'd really love to see your giant octopus," he replied with a straight face, but his lips hovered into a smile when Elsie pouted at him. "But I'm not sure we can find a boggart here."

"Not that," she rolled her eyes. "A corporeal Patronus."

Remus' eyes widened in surprise. "Are you serious? That's fantastic, show me!"

Elsie nodded, rolling up her sleeves. "Yeah, I think this is the first time I'm actually better than you in something," she said. Of course Remus had his weaknesses too, but he was mostly good at everything. However, casting a corporeal Patronus was something he always had a problem with.

She murmured the incantations; a moment later her small silvery rabbit broke out from her wand and ran around the tree next to them, stopping in the grass at Elsie's feet for a few seconds before it vanished.

"Cute," Remus said, pulling her closer again and pressing a kiss on her cheek. "Nice job, sweetheart. What was your memory?"

She wrapped her arms around his neck, smiling up at him sweetly. "You," she answered, earning a look from him which was more beyond astonished. He found it hard to believe – no, he found it unbelievable that someone could produce such a strong Patronus by thinking of him. "I told you you're the best thing that happened to me," she said gently before pressed a soft kiss on his smiling lips.

Elsie shifted again; some sleepy grumbled left her lips as she tried to stretch her numbed limbs out.

"Sorry," Remus said in a low voice. "Did I wake you up?"

"No," she murmured, almost inaudible with her hoarse voice. She finally opened her eyes, elbowing herself up in the bed, letting the blanket and Remus' hands fell off of her. She shut her eyes back quickly, letting out a slow breath. "My head is throbbing."

Het let out a short chuckle. "I'm not surprised."

"I don't remember much," she started whilst Remus sat up on the bed too, but fell in silence as she was suddenly aware he was nearly naked, only in his boxers. She looked down on herself, seeing she was wearing a t-shirt – his, probably – but it was rolled up, exposing too much from her body. Trying to look not so obvious, she carefully tugged the shirt down, covering herself as much as she could.

"You weren't so shy last night," Remus joked in the attempt to ease the tension, not knowing he only made it worse.

Her eyes widened, and the words burst out from her, unable to keep the question inside anymore. "Did we have sex last night?"

Remus blushed, but couldn't hide the amusement on his face, seeing her puzzled face. "No, of course we didn't. You just asked me to take your dress off."

She buried her face into her palms in embarrassment. "Oh Merlin, now I do remember," she rubbed her eyes before looked at him again. "I told you to close your eyes," she said, and as Remus only gave a silent nod, she quickly added, "Did you?"

"Of course," he replied immediately, raising his eyebrows, trying to keep his face as straight as he could. "I closed them."

"And did you also kept them closed?" she asked with narrowed eyes, biting back a smile.

He took in a deep breath, ready to lie, but he released it slowly, only murmuring. "No. I'm sorry. It was just, well, it wasn't, I mean it was really hard to…"

"It's okay, I'm not angry at you," she cut him off, though it was funny to see him so nervous. "I'm still thankful you took care of me instead of taking advantage of my condition."

"I'd never do that."

"I know," she said before she fell back on the sheets with a huge growl, her palm on her forehead. "Is it okay if I stay here a little longer? I'm not sure I'm ready to move."

Remus laughed. "Sure, you can stay. I'll bring you some food," he said as he crawled out from the bed, and Elsie just realized how hungry she was. She kept her eyes closed, a slight sleepy smile on her face while she thought back on the last night. It was a mess, but she still loved every minute of it.

She sat up on the bed again when Remus returned with a huge plate of food, filled with everything that Lily brought yesterday. "There's a lot of leftover. I think we sort of forgot to eat."

"Yeah, I can feel it," Elsie said as her empty stomach gave a loud growl, reaching for a mini hot-dog. As they were eating silently, she couldn't help but staring.

Remus still hadn't had a t-shirt on, so she could see every scratch on him in the bright room. The worst scars were all old, white lines, but there were some fresh ones too. "They aren't a nice sight, are they?"

Her cheeks flushed and felt herself ashamed; she really didn't want to make him feel any worse about it than he already felt. She grabbed a mug which was levitating in front of her for a while, looking at the hot drink before she looked up at him again. "There's nothing wrong about them."

Remus smiled at her kindly, because he could feel how honest she was, not just empty comforting words, and he was grateful for it. Elsie slipped closer and ran her fingertips through a bite-mark on his side. "Who did this? Another werewolf?"

"Me," he said, causing Elsie to look up at him again with concerned face. "Maybe not the best way of self-control, but I'd rather scratch and bite myself than hurt others. I was locked away when I was a kid."

She fell in deep silence again; it felt like an invisible hand just gripped her heart. It wasn't enough he had to turn into a werewolf once a month; he even hurt himself if it was necessary. "Have you ever tried the Wolfsbane Potion? I heard it can help a lot."

With bowed head, Remus let out a small smile – they had that conversation years ago. "The ingredients are very expensive and the potion itself is probably the most complicated I've ever seen…so no. I haven't."

His voice suddenly went nervous, so Elsie decided it's better if she close the conversation; she didn't want to upset him. They spent the next hours just lying in the bed, listening music, sleeping on and off, mostly without any word. It was one of those things that Remus missed so much; being alone together with someone, with her.

But talking about his lycanthropy with her made him nervous; all he could think about again was her scars that he made. They looked almost the same when he last saw them…

It was a bright summer day, just a moment after they finished the semester. Remus lived with his parents at the edge of a forest; it was much easier he didn't need to travel far away at every full moon. Plus, they were hidden from Muggles' eyes and curious neighbours. He was sitting in the grass with his back against a tree, Elsie between his legs with his arms around her.

"It's so nice here," she smiled, leaning back against him. "I could live in a place like this." Ever since she went home from school, she needed to deal with her constantly arguing parents. It was good to escape sometimes and run straight to Remus – she knew he'd never send her away.

He pressed a small kiss on her neck before he said, "Are they still fighting?"

"Yeah," she answered, sighing, turning around to face with him. "They're so busy with fighting with each other they don't even care about us anymore. My brother cancelled his wedding because of them. And lately when I say "I go and visit my friend," they just say something like "stay safe," or "have fun," and never ask anything when I come home."

"So they still don't know we're dating?"

Picking up a fallen leaf from the ground, she started to tear into pieces. "I doubt they'd even care about it."

"Of course they care," Remus said, stroking her arm up and down. "I know it seems now they don't, but you're their daughter. They want to know what's going on with you."

With a sigh, Elsie leaned on his chest; her head hit against him a bit too hard which made him involuntarily growling. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she said, straightening herself up again, but Remus shook his head, placed his hand on her arm and pulled her back.

"It's okay, don't worry," he gently kept running his fingers through her hair while she listened his heartbeat, which was a lot more rapid than usual. She took his other hand between both of hers, rubbing her thumbs again his skin.

"Have you heard about this Wolfsbane Potion? It's something new I think, but they say it's really good and helps to ease the symptoms."

Remus nodded slowly. "Yeah, I looked into it. But even if I had enough money for the ingredients, I'd probably mess it up. It's really complex and Potions never was my strong suit."

"I could help you," Elsie said immediately, looking up at him.

"No offense, but if you'd brew it, I probably transform into a wolf forever or blow myself up," he said with a chuckle, trying to joke, even when he knew what was she really thinking about.

"Very funny," she said, only gently hitting him on his shoulder. "What I meant is I could buy the ingredients and James or Lily could make the potion, they're both good at it."

Remus shook his head, his eyes firm and serious. "No way, Elizabeth. Don't you think Sirius and James haven't tried with this already. You've all done and risked enough for me already. I don't need you to spend galleons on me every month just so I can feel better."

"But…"

"I said no," he said angrily, pushing her hands away and standing up from the ground. He walked away and only stopped next to the fence, tapping his hand at the top of the wood. It wasn't rare to see him angry, especially around full moon, but there was something in his eyes that was more than only anger.

Elsie walked to him, examining his face, but he looked down on his feet. "What's wrong?" she asked in a small voice, and was a bit surprised she got an answer immediately.

"You know, my parents weren't always poor. I'm not saying we were rich, but…" he sighed and finally looked up to meet with her eyes. "They spent all of their money trying to find a cure for me. I think they knew it was impossible all along, but they still hoped that something could help. It was all in vain."

She stepped closer and took his hand between hers again, firmly, but talked in a low voice. "It wasn't in vain. I know it didn't help but they had hope, and I'm sure to them it was worth the knuts they spent on it," she cupped his face, tiptoed up and pressed her forehead against his. "We love you, and I'm sure that your friends would be rather poor if they could stop you from suffering, just like me."

Remus rubbed his nose against hers and pressed a kiss on her forehead before pulled back, just so he could look at her. "I know. And I really appreciate it. But I couldn't watch one another person destroying themselves in any way to help me."

Elsie sighed in defeat, but understood and accepted his reason. As much as she wanted to help him, she knew Remus would never agree on this. She nodded but didn't say anything.

She let out a small growl. "Can I stay? I really don't want to go home right now," she said, thinking about her parents and what a miracle is that they haven't cursed the roof off of the house yet during one of their heated argument.

"That wouldn't be safe."

"I'll be in your room, sleeping in your bed," she explained, pulling back. "I won't be any closer when we were at Hogwarts."

Remus thought she was right. Because she will sleep in his bed and he will be in the middle of the forest, far away from wizards and witches, where he couldn't hurt anyone. But only a couple hours passed after he last kissed her on the porch right before the sun set down, after he disappeared in the dark woods, and after everything went wrong.

Elsie could never sleep through the nights at full moon since she learned about Remus' condition. It was the first howl in the distance which woke her up, only minutes after she fell asleep; not even knowing it was him or just a wolf. She tossed and turned in the bed, trying to fall back in sleep for hours before she crawled out. She put on a sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt, picking up her wand before she left his room. She murmured "Lumos" as she walked through the house in the dark night. Remus' parents' door was ajar, and from the light murmurs she realized she wasn't the only one who couldn't find her dreams on that night.

She opened the front door silently and stepped out into the porch, where she grabbed a blanket from a wooden chair, draped it around her shoulders and plopped down. Even though she felt sleepy and tired, she knew she couldn't fall asleep. She watched the stars and tried not to think about how badly injured Remus would be when he got home in the morning.

Elsie should've gone back in the house when she first heard the approaching noises. First they were loud, echoing and distant, before they died away slowly and completely. She only realized then, when it was silence again that she was standing, her heart beating fast and hard against her ribs. She didn't know why stepped down from the porch and went closer to the forest, but once her legs started to move she was afraid to turn her back at the dark and deep woods. Her wand was in her hand, but the moon and the stars gave enough light to see without needing any other light source.

It was his eyes she saw first; along with that, almost at the same time she heard the low growl that came deep from his throat. She stepped backwards slowly and carefully, but as she moved, the werewolf stepped forward too. Where the moon gave enough light to see him, Elsie realized he wasn't much different than a normal wolf; except he was bigger and his eyes didn't change. It was a human's eyes.

She opened her mouth, but at the same moment she heard a voice in the shadows.

"Don't talk," Sirius said, barely more than a whisper. Even if it was dark between the woods, she could see the fear on his face before he transformed back into his Animagus from; a stag carefully approached too.

She really didn't panic until Remus started to rush towards her. After that, everything happened to fast and too slow; he reached her too soon, his teeth sank into the sleeve of her sweater, pulling her deep into the woods. It felt like an eternity, while he was running with her, branches and rocks tearing her clothes and scratching her skin up. She felt her head bumped into something so hard she nearly blacked out, and when she next looked up, he was already hovered above her with loud growls.

"Remus," she whispered and felt as a tear streamed down on her cheek, just a moment before he let out a painful whine and was pushed away from her. She just had a time to take one last look at him, as Prongs tried to hold him back, before Sirius lifted her up by her arms.

"Come on, we need to hurry," he said, but even if he held her with one arm, Elsie almost stumbled upon her own feet. She felt herself dizzy as her head was hurt with a stinging pain. They heard the approaching footsteps and Sirius just had a time to turn around when the werewolf was already there, reaching out and sinking his claws into her flesh where her sweater was already ripped.

The stag pushed him away again, harder this time, while Sirius quickly picked the girl up and started to run away, out from the woods, as fast as he could. He didn't look back, but they could hear whines and painful howls as they reached porch.

Sirius nearly broke the door out from its place as he burst into the house. He placed Elsie down on the couch, and even though she wasn't unconscious, she felt like the whole room was spinning around; the noises were mixed and blurry around her.

"What happened with her?" Remus' father asked once he and his wife hurried out from their bedroom. They both looked frightened and already started to think the worst.

"Remus, he attacked, no bites, just a scratch on her back I think," Sirius panted, before they carefully turned her around, rolling up her sweater on her back. Sirius felt his heart dropping on the floor, seeing her wounds. He only realized now his hands were covered in blood, too.

Hope kneeled down next to the couch, wiping her hair out from her face and asking her questions, but she could only nod and murmur incoherent sentences at this point. Lyall left the room quickly but returned soon with a suitcase, pulling out flasks and herbals and placing each of them on the table before she started to clean the wounds up.

"Will she turn into a werewolf?" Sirius asked, not even trying to hide the fear in his voice.

"No, she won't," Remus' father answered, causing Hope to let out a loud, relieved sigh. "But I need be quick to prevent any permanent damage," he said before he started to murmuring healing spells.

The next couple hours went terribly slowly. Lyall used every healing charm he could think of, and they knew there would be no any changes in her behaviour in the future. The scars, in the other hand – there were no charm or potion or herb that could vanish them.

Sirius stayed by her side for the rest of the night. He didn't worry about her anymore – he knew she'd be alright. He worried about Remus, because he knew he'd never forget what happened.

Remus rushed through the forest in the moment he was himself again. He didn't stop, he didn't think about waiting for James and Peter, he ignored his aching muscles; all he could think about to see her.

He only stopped in front of his room, where he suddenly slowed down, scared of what he might find inside. His eyes met with Sirius' first, who straightened himself up in the chair he was sitting in, before Remus walked inside and slowly sat down next to Elsie, staring her face.

"She'll be fine," Sirius said. "And your dad healed her scars too… well, as much as it was possible. She got some sleeping potion."

A huge weight lifted off Remus' shoulder as she saw her alive, knowing for sure now he didn't caused any more damage than a few scars. But it was still way too much for him. "I should've never let this happen."

"Moony, I know what you're thinking about, but she's fine…" Sirius started, but Remus couldn't hear what he was saying anymore. All he could think about her face, the fear in her eyes, her screams as he was dragging her through the woods, the soft murmur of his name, her tear, and how badly he wanted to hurt her…

"I'll take her home," Remus said, cut Sirius off even though he had no idea what he was talking about at the moment. "I'll take her home and she'll never see me again."

"Well I don't think she'd easily agree on that."

Remus nodded and finally stood up, looking at his friend. "I know. She wouldn't. I need to… I'm going to Obliviate her."

"You want to make her to forget about yesterday?"

"I want to make her to forget she ever met me."

Sirius raised his eyebrows and let out a short chuckle; it sounded so unbelievable he thought it was only a joke. But behind Remus' eyes there were nothing, only sadness and commitment. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, listen—"

"You can't do that to her!" Sirius shouted. They both looked at Elsie for a moment, but the potion pulled her into the deepest sleep.

"You know what I can't do to her? Hurt her. I'm not going to risk it again."

Sirius looked like someone who just got slapped in the face. "Listen, it wasn't your fault. She shouldn't have been out there; it was her mistake, not yours!"

"You can't blame her for something that I did!" Remus shouted this time; his voice is hoarse and it was a miracle his legs could still hold him standing.

"It doesn't matter whose fault it was, okay? It happened, we'll all get over it, and you know she will too. Don't do anything stupid," Sirius said warningly, but Remus already made his decision.

"Yeah, she will. And what if I hurt her again?" he asked on a low voice, looking at her sleeping form again. He heard Sirius sighing behind him. "I'm not going to risk it."

He walked closer to the bed and carefully picked her up into his arms. He didn't look at Sirius and Sirius didn't look at him; he couldn't believe he really will do this. Remus Disapparated, hoping she'd still be asleep when they arrived.

She shifted and whined in her sleep, but didn't wake up after Remus put her down on her own bed. He took her t-shirt off – his t-shirt, which Hope put on her earlier – before he searched for another in her wardrobe. He examined her scars; his dad made a nice job with them. They're only white lines now, but it was still enough to make him feel terrible.

He looked around the room after he dressed her up; he was there only once before, a couple weeks earlier when he sneaked up in the middle of the night. He smiled at the memory, but his smile quickly vanished. He started collecting everything that could remind her of him; there was one picture about them, smiling and waving at the camera, there was some letters from him, all together at her desk. He found two of his sweaters in her wardrobe, a t-shirt, and one of his books. With aching heart, he pulled her diary out from her trunk; he knew how important it was to her and how many things she wrote it down.

Remus pulled his wand out from his pocket and pointed at her. His hand were shaking from weariness or fear, he couldn't decide which one. He never used this spell before, but the word left his lips confidently.

"Why are you looking at me like this?" Elsie's voice suddenly broke the long silence. She was smiling though, as she had no any idea what Remus could possibly think in those moments.

But he only shook his head, trying to smile, but unable to say anything.

"Well, I should probably go home. Maybe Juliet already left too."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you," Remus started, pulling himself together. "I met with her in the kitchen in the morning. She asked me if we slept together."

She slapped her palm against her forehead. "Did she really ask using those words? Because then I'm not sure it was really her," Elsie said, thinking about her friend and her usually not so nice choice of words.

"She did," Remus chuckled. "I told her we didn't but I'm not sure she believed me."

"Great," she sighed.

"I need to ask, how did you two become friends? You seem so completely different," Remus asked, and Elsie could understand him.

"Good question," she smiled. "I sat next to her in our first class. And we started to talk, and… I don't know? She talked a lot and I didn't, but she pushed me out of my comfort zone every day. I've changed a lot because of her."

Remus smiled; he was happy to see there was someone in her life even after he left her. Elsie stood up from the bed and picked her dress up the floor, but turned back to Remus a moment later. "Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday. I pushed you into kiss me and I asked questions that you clearly didn't want to answer. I really shouldn't have done that," she said, picking the hem of her dress with her fingers. "I understand if you don't want anything from me."

Remus should've stay in silence and let her go with that, but he didn't. He couldn't, and the words came out with a sigh. "You know it's more than that."

"What do you mean?" she asked, looking up.

"You know what I mean," he said, and now he avoided her eyes.

Elsie dropped her clothes on the bed and sat back next to Remus, cupping his cheek and turning his face towards her. "So this is it? You'd like to be with me, you're just still afraid you'd hurt me?"

Remus nodded slightly, leaned on her touch and pressed a kiss on the inside of her wrist. "I'm not going to hurt you…" again, he almost said, but stopped just in time.

She felt her heartbeat fastening, and couldn't stop herself from saying out loud what she was sure of for weeks now, "But I love you."

"Don't do that to yourself," he said slowly, looking up at her. A painful chuckle left his mouth along the last word, but his face quickly went back to sorrowful. As he saw tears gathered in her eyes, he sat closer and took her face between his palms. "Listen. I won't deny that I love you too," he said lowly inches from her lips, looking into her eyes. "But I can't do this with you. I can't risk your life."

"But Remus," she whined, tears choking her, but he cut her off.

"I can't, okay? You deserve someone normal; and you could find someone better than me easily."

Elsie shook her head. "I want you."

Remus let his hands fell of her face as he let out a shaky breath. He collected all of his remained self-control, trying not to kiss her here and then. He pulled back and shook his head as a no again.

Elsie felt herself frustrated. Knowing he loved her too made the whole situation even worse; why was he so concerned about something that might can happen? She couldn't stop her tears from spilling down her cheeks.

"Please don't cry," he murmured, wiping her tears away.

"How could I not cry when you just told me you love me? When you say you love me but you still don't want to be with me?"

Remus wrapped his hands around her and pulled her closer, letting her sobbing on his shoulder. "I love you, and this is why I'm not going to risk your life. I'd do anything to keep you safe, and if the only way is I need to stay away from you, then I'll stay away from you."

At his words, Elsie only dig her nails deeper in his shoulder, sobbing silently on and on. Even if she understood what Remus said to her, and even she could hear the commitment on his voice, she knew she won't let him go so easily; she couldn't do that anymore.