Chapter five: Shovel and broom.
After a while I stopped crying my heart out, well, after like an hour or two, but my friends stood here with me the whole time.
"He's not coming".
Helena had killed me with that, she had killed the Phoebe that was in love with Cole and had been betrayed for him. She had killed the Phoebe that lived in this center only focused in him, only worrying about him, only living because of him.
No, she wasn't dead yet.
She was dying slowly.
Every single part of her heart was being ripped off, every single space in her mind tortured and her back stabbed without stop.
I had asked Helena why, she didn't know what to say. I didn't insist, I'm sure that he didn't tell her his reasons...no, he didn't. He wouldn't, I know him so well to know that he was serious, that everything was lost and that from now to the end, it was only me.
And our child.
My child from this moment.
"How are you feeling?," asked me Gisselle when she saw me releasing myself from Helena's embrace.
"It doesn't matter," I replied wiping my tears instinctively, but they weren't there: were dried already. I don't feel it real right now, I only get the concept, I don't understand the fact and it's possible that I don't get to understand it until the belly starts to show and I get to see that I'm not dreaming and that things had changed.
That a new life is being created and he will never be part of it.
"What are you going to do now?," asked Ruby, trying to help.
I looked at Helena who was in silence, feeling ashamed for Cole's attitude and too afraid of my reaction. She had seen me hurting myself doing drugs, and doing all the crazy things I did here...she's afraid of what I'd get to do after this.
"I have nothing worth to fight for here," I replied holding my head high, "All what I have is my family now. I need to get them back and I need to make a life, a home for this baby. By my own...I won't have his help, I won't say that I don't need it because I really do," I said as my voice began to shake in its way from my throat to my lips, "But I need to move on. I knew that this would happen and..."
"You won't fight?," asked me Ruby, almost pissed, interrupting my speech.
I stared at her, she was angry.
"You won't fight for giving your child the place it deserves in its father's life? Weren't you the one that used to say that all kid deserved a life with their parents, not a life as yours, as mine, as ours?," she complained.
Gisselle was a little surprised at her attitude, also Helena and myself. We had never expected seen Ruby talking about something so important and so serious about it, and I hate that she's judging me, she has no idea for what I'm going through! She doesn't know anything and she believes that she can yell at me and tell me those kind of things. I'm not the one rejecting her own blood, I don't deserve this.
"Don't you understand that I'm totally freaked out?," I asked her with tears again, "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but I'm trying to do the best for everyone. I don't want to tie him, I can't make him take the responsibility if he doesn't want to and yes, I used to say that and I promise that I want him to be with us right now but things aren't like in the movies, Ruby. If he doesn't want us, I can't make him do it. If things were like we used to dream, we wouldn't be here, we wouldn't have met each other because we would have been at home with our parents being loved and being happy and that's not happening and will never happen in this life!," I said showing the frustration that the whole situation made me feel, not thinking, just yelling.
Screwing all as always.
"That's not true. It can happen," said Gisselle with here eyes filled with tears trying to hold her hopes, sitting on the floor, hugging herself rocking back and forth.
"Thank you," said Ruby with hatred in her voice, going to pick Gisselle up, but she didn't let her.
I feelt horrible for doing that. I knew how sensitive Gisselle was, how much she liked to dream trying to avoid her sad reality. I hurt her feelings, I hurt her and I hurt the others...like scrubbing the falsity of their sweet innocence in their faces.
"Phoebe, I believe that...our story, of the five or six of us," started to say Helena, counting my baby, "Is over. We don't have anything in common, and...we will never be able to have the life we want, you're right...we need to move on, and try to make the best for ourselves. I will miss you, but you were the first one in leaving, I'll do it eventually, the girls too...this is over," she said looking at her feet.
I nodded and wanted to go and hug her, but I couldn't do it. I only wanted to die, but I couldn't be so selfish and I had to stay strong for my baby. But I'm not strong.
I'm nothing without Cole.
I turned back and crossed the door, I don't know in what I was thinking when I decided to come here.
I only got delusion.
I got delusion because I was dreaming with them as sisters, with him as husband and best friend forever, with all of us as family. Because I wanted to see them well and happy, because I wanted to see me around their happiness and my happiness too. Because I wanted to wake up every single morning with Cole by my side until my last day of life...because...because I wanted to save them.
Yes. I wanted to save them and I was only turning my back to them, as he turned his back to us.
"We're Halliwell, we don't do that," I told to my little one.
I got back to the room and I saw the girls crossing the door to get back to their room.
"Don't go, please," I told them without a plan in my head, or well, a plan developing but it wasn't clear.
"Phoebe, go home," asked me Helena with a sad look.
"I can't go home, this isn't over yet", I insisted, trying to build the stupid idea soon, or I'd lose my opportunity: I wasn't going to lose them too, one person was enough.
"Phoebe, look at you. Look at us. Try to find him around...," tried to say Helena in her attempt of showing me that things had no reason to be, and I although I knew it, I was acting after what my heart was telling me to do.
"No. This is not over because they say that is over, this is going to be over when we decided that is over. I don't want it to be over yet. I don't know about you but...I don't want to say goodbye to you".
The girls stared at my honesty, and Gisselle looked at me a little resented after what I have said. I don't know if they're going to trust me or not, if they're going to forgive me after all what I said, mostly the way I said it. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if this was a test and Cole is going to appear now with a box of chocolates and some flowers; the only thing I know, is that I can't fight the battles that I've lost already like my relationship with Cole, but I can fight the battle for my friends because they're still here.
"Me neither," said Gisselle, walking and standing in front of me.
"Me neither," said Ruby, who followed her steps and held her hand.
We waited, not knowing what to do now. Helena was still away from us and I had no a plan at the moment, I wasn't doing anything else than creating illusions that I didn't know how to make come true.
"What's your plan, Halliwell?," asked our friend after a while with a mischievous smile.
"Don't ask," I replied opening the door to leave, with a crazy, the craziest idea ever, "Just do what I do, as fast as you can. There's no time for regretting anything, so if you need something special for your room, go and get it now. Bring one, only one backpack".
The girls nodded and left me there. I sat and decided to not think about the plan or I'd give up to it because it was really stupid and...like planned for a three years old so I better tried to think about another thing, but the only thing in my mind was Cole...he was a few hallways from me and I was wondering why he had said no. My eyes filled with tears again, why did he reject us? Why? What did I do? Did I offended him? Did I hurt him? What's the difference between me and our kid, and his wife and daughter?
That's the difference: wife and daughter. I'm just the lover, I was the lover and we're not part of his real world. What a fool I was. Anyway, I don't regret having meet him or my baby, I don't and I will never do. My life has a point of inflection that sets an before and after: Cole.
"Done," sayid Ruby handing me the bag with the others behind her steps, but I didn't reply thinking about him.
"Are you okay?," asked me Gisselle, moving her hand in front of my eyes.
"Eh, yes...yes," I said shaking my head a bit.
"If we survive, we'll need to talk," warned me Helena.
"Ready?," I asked them, ignoring her words.
"For what?," she asked.
I stood up and reached the door, waking up to reality and paying attention at what was important now.
"At the count of three," I warned them leaving the room and their puzzled faces.
I walked to the hall and opened exit door, holding it as I started to mutter to myself.
"One, two...," then, I closed my eyes and said it aloud, "Three, run, now!"
The secretary looked at me confused and then, my friends ran to me. My heart began to beat fast, as fast as their feet trying to reach me and the way that the woman's hands moved to dial the number of the security staff or something.
"Hurry up!," I insisted taking Gisselle's hand, the first one arriving at the door to help her to run faster, doing the same with the others before closing the door behind us.
"What the hell?," tried to say Ruby, as they followed me running down street.
"Run!," I repeated laughing, feeling the adrenaline going through my veins and body, "Don't stop running!"
"Phoebe!," complained Helena, but I could hear Gisselle laughing as hard as mine own laughter.
I ran fast, every second faster, trying to feel high doing that; I couldn't do drugs and I really needed them, so using my imagination and trying to leave the neighborhood before that the people from the center got to catch us were my heroin.
I saw a taxi and stopped it in the middle of the street.
"Hurry up," I ordered to the girls as I opened the copilot door and sat, "Sir, to Prescott 1923 as fast as you can, our mother is waiting for us and a delay would mean no money for paying this ride".
The girls didn't ask anything, trying to act natural and a little shocked at being out of the center after so many years locked inside. They all were excited looking through the window, as I smiled to their childish faces at any new thing they got to see. As soon as he stopped at the manor, I asked the guy to wait for me.
"Girls, go inside now, to the second floor and go to the first room in the right and take my wallet, is over the desk. Only one of you can leave the house. Don't delay".
The girls still confused and scared, did what I said and soon Gisselle appearead with the money.
"Go back, now," I told her before paying, I didn't want the neighbors to see them and then ask grams who were they and get in trouble, "Thanks sir," I added.
I walked back to the house and went upstairs and then to my room, where my friends were waiting for me sitting in my bed arms crossed.
"What are we doing here?," asked Helena.
"Wasting time," I replied, checking the phases of my plan in my head again. I can't believe that I'm doing this, "Let's go upstairs".
"Why?," asked Ruby, as nervous as the others.
"Because there is the attic that no one uses or visits until Christmas," I explained them doing my way to the hall, making them follow me.
"What's in your mind?," asked Gisselle, taking the stairs railings.
"Easy," I said as we walked, "We go up stairs, clean some stuff, find the sleeper sofa and inflatable matress we have there and make a place to live".
The girls still confused stopped walking and I took the opportunity to open the door of the attic, feeling all the dust in my hands as soon as I did so. The door made a lot of cracks, making me think that I was going to need to put some oil in the hinges if I wanted this mission to work out and my family to not find out.
"Welcome home girls," I said giving a step in, turning on the lights, "This is going to be your new room. No one is going to make us apart. No one is going to take you away," I insisted, feeling some inner peace and happiness after all the tears I had dropped before, "This is going to be home".
My friends looked at me with faces of disbelief and I went straight to the cabinet of cleaning utensils to take a broom and a shovel.
"You're nuts," said Helena, before sneezing.
"Maybe," I said, handing her a glass cleaner, "Stay away from the dust," I added, "Or try, this place is all dust but after our cleaning it will be habitable".
"You're not serious," said Ruby, holding the broom in her hands.
"I hate cleaning too, but we have to," I said, kneeling to get some rags.
"We're not talking about that," said Helena, taking my hand and making me look at her eyes, "Phoebe, this is not right".
Ruby looked at the floor, somewhat shy and Gisselle didn't know where to stand. I released my hand from Helena's and placed it over her shoulder.
"I won't leave you alone in this. I said that I was going to find a way to help you and I already did. Leaving you separated, alone, scared and abandoned wasn't right neither," I told her with a soft tone of voice, smiling a bit.
"Your grandmo...," tried to say Gisselle.
"She won't know".
"She'll find out eventually," discussed Ruby.
"Let's wish for that day to not come in a while," I replied, kneeling again to take some trash bags.
"Phoebe this is really stupid," insisted Helena, kind of upset, but more nervous than angry.
"If you want to go back to your parents, to the streets and to the center, go ahead," I replied not looking at them; I knew that was a very dirty trick, but I was right in that at least.
I believe that the girls stared at each other and whispered, I wasn't looking at them so I didn't see their reactions.
"Let's start cleaning," said Helena, and I knew that that sentence was the last one about the topic.
Crazy. This is CRAZY. I can't believe that I wrote that! but well, I said, "Think like Phoebe" and bam! Done.
Review(s) response(s) :
Pholefan: I don't know :/ well I do, I'm the writer but since this is Pheeb's Point of view you'll have to wait. Not a lot tho, I'm not that evil ejejeje.