Death Glare Dodging

October: Bella is a zombie. Charlie orders pizza.

November: Zombie!Bella does some calculus. Charlie eats more pizza.

December: Jessica gives up being bitchy to Zombie!Bella. Charlie breaks microwave and eats cold pizza.

January: Even Mike has stopped looking at Zombie!Bella's ass (which is a really bad sign). Charlie flops on floor and almost dies of food poisoning from four month old pizza.

Zombie!Bella's inner monologue: Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. Did some one say blood? Vampires, Edwaaarrrdddd!

Charlie: That's it, Bella. I'm sending you home! I almost freaking died of food poisoning!

Bella: What did I do?

Charlie: That's the problem. You never do anything. And I haven't eaten a real meal in a very very long time. You are a terrible daughter.

Bella: Tell me what you want me to do.

Charlie: Get in the kitchen and fix me mah dinner. Meh, better put on the whole father approach. I want you to be happy- no, just not miserable.

Bella: I'm not leaving. And I am by no means clinging on to the desperate suspicion that said man candy vamptastic boyfriend might come back. Not at all. I don't want to crowd mom and Phil. Well, this is at least true. The main reason I left was because of the fact that most desserts are ruined for me now after all the times of walking in on them… oh gross, god think chipmunks, daisies, tomato soup… shit that one's ruined too.

Charlie: Bella –

Bella: I'll make plans with Jessica. Got to go to school.

At School:

Mike: Bella. Are you working tomorrow?

Bella: … Wait, no underlying sexual innuendo? Good lord, what dimension is this? Must have been ExtremeZombie!Bella for Mike to quit noticing my perfect assets. Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?

Mike: Ya. See you in Spanish.

Mike's inner creepy thoughts: *lone awkward cricket hops around and hums to self*

Bella: Jess?

Jessica: Are you talking to me, Bella? You're not even worth my time to be a complete bitch to.

Bella: *dodges death glare* Will you go to the movies with me tonight? I really need a girls'

night out.

Jessica: Why are you asking me? Ughh, go away.

Bella: You're the first person I think of when I want girl time. *awkward smiley grimace thing*

Jessica: I guess I can go with you. Hmmm, need to vent anyway. And I have missed all of my snarky trash comments about her… ah what the hell? My dad saw Dead end. It's a zombie movie. Hah, so that would be perfect for you, fucking ice queen. You are the psoriasis to my liver.

Bella: That sounds perfect.

In Jessica's Car:

Bella: Thanks for coming with me tonight. Get Charlie off my back.

Jessica: Why did you suddenly decide… to go out? Herpes finally go into remission? Find another guy to whore around with? You are the salt to my bloody cut.

Bella: Bloody cut? Eedwaaardd! Just needed a change. *twiddles the dial of the radio* Ah like it when you call me big pop-pah! Throw your hands in the aaayerr, if you's a true playyyeerr!

Jessica: ?

Bella: I like rap. I really do. I am not listening to this because Edward is about as far away from hip hop as you can get. Not at all. Just representin' Forks and the Northwest side. So what's up with you and Mike these days?

Jessica: You see him more than I do. That's right, pirate hooker. Probably giving him blowjobs in the employee bathroom. Freaking nails in my crucifixion.

Bella: *stealthily dodges second death glare* Have you been out with anyone lately?

Jessica: I went out with Eric two weeks ago. *rolls eyes* He wishes he had a chance. At least I only let him get to second base… otherwise I would think that I had no self respect whatsoever. *begins monologueing uncontrollably about VeryExciting!Life*

At the Movie:

Movie: *hot!couple makes out, rolling around on the beach*

Bella: ARRGGGHHH. Luuuurrrvve. Edwaaaarrrd! Thought we picked a zombie movie. Too much emotion! Need popcorn. I'm getting popcorn. Do you want any?

Jessica: No thanks. Now shut the fuck up, you sty in my eye.

Bella: *hyperventilates* ARGGHH, they showed a couple… holding hands! *slumps into fetal position* Pain.

Jessica: You missed everything. Not that I mind that you were gone, stupid strawberry-smelling bimbo.

Bella's inner monologue: The scene kept cutting between the horrified face of the heroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and forth. And I realized which one resembled me the most. Aha! That's why I'm so depressed. Stephenie! It makes sense. I'm not the heroine anymore. Wait… that means I have no reason to be in the fucking story. What have you done?

Stephenie: It's an okay theory, but wouldn't the fact that you are still the protagonist and narrating cause you to stop and think that I might not be done having you be the tragic selfless heroine?

Bella: Promise?

Stephenie: As long as you allow me to make you dribblingly co-dependent, I promise you will find someone to leech onto.

Bella: *claps hands* I feel better.

Jessica: That was the scariest movie I think I've ever seen. Wanna know why? Huh? It's because I had to be in a theatre with you for two fucking hours. I was afraid about getting AIDS through osmosis. Where do you want to eat? Oh wait, do you eat? Or do you want me to get you a doggie bag so you can throw it all up later?

Bella: *twirls, missing third very sneaky death glare* I don't care.

Bella's inner monologue: Hey, I think that's one of the guys who dared try to give me back my wallet last year. That bastard. Dark night? Check. Creepy man? Check. Drunk voices and Girly "not a safe idea" Senses tingling? Check and check. *Walks over to men.*

Jessica: Bella? What are you doing? Okay, if she was going to prostitute herself out, I wasn't going to be caught with her. After that last charge, I can't afford to get picked up again. You can't go into a bar. Are you suicidal? Please say yes. Then we can get this whole thing over with and your little whore self can leave me alone.

Bella: No, I'm not. Go eat. I'll catch up in a minute.

DisembodiedVoice!Edward: Steph, thought choo said I could *hic* havva break?

Stephenie: Are you drunk? Oh well. I know I said that, but the fangirls almost killed me when I said you weren't going to be in the book for awhile. Just do a little voice over, pretty please? You don't even have to get up from where you're sitting.

DisembodiedVoice!Edward: Mmmmk, but you gwan bee surry.

Stephenie: And try not to slur as much. *douses Edward with cold water*

DisembodiedVoice!Edward: Bella, stop this right now!

Bella: Oh god, have started to hallucinate as well… my ego-meter is dead, my obsession-omiter has been off the charts for pages now, but maybe, just maybe, through some sort of awesomely udead power, Edward can talk to me in my head.

browniechadowes: Just because you rationalize hearing voices, it doesn't make them okay. Acceptance is the first step to recovery.

Stephenie: *chases browniechadowes out of room with tazer*

DisembodiedVoice!Edward: Keep your promise!

Bella's inner monologue: Option 1: Crazy as a porcupine in heat. Option 2: My subconscious mind has run amok. Option 3: Sure that won't come up later in the novel or anything. So I'll settle for 2.

DisembodiedVoice!Edward: Bella, turn around.

Man #1: Can I help you? You look lost.

Bella: You looked like someone I knew. Now get away, get away! Don't touch me or hurt me. I have mace and I'm not afraid to use it.

Man #1: ? Ooookay, have a nice night.

Jessica: What were you thinking? They could have been psychopaths? And you spent a good ten minutes just ogling them. You suck at whoring yourself out… not that I would know anything about it or anything. You are so odd, Bella Swan. And I am being very nice here. Bella Swan is the biggest fucking whore of an idiot I have ever met. She is as comfortable as a UTI. – Edward!?!

Edward: You called, m'lady?

Jessica: Still have those awkward crickets?

Edward: Sure do *passes bag to Jessica*

Jessica: Thanks. *dumps bag o' crickets all over Bella*

*long awkward car ride thanks to Jessica's use of said crickets*

Bella: Thanks for going with me Jess. Sorry about after the movie.

Jessica: Whatever Bella. Fucking cunt. She is the tear in a condom.

Bella: *dips, ducks, dodges, dives, but is hit by Jessica's Super!death glare* Bye. Eeek, run away! That was scary.

Bella's House:

Charlie: Where have you been? Still didn't cook me dinner. I am in my own personal Pizza Hut hell.

Bella: I went to a movie with Jessica, like I told you.

Charlie: Did you have fun?

Bella: Let's see, to sum it up: Jessica gave me death glares all night, hot couple in the movie smothered me in love, reminding me that my oh so sexy and dominating vamp-cicle has left me, talked to a creepy dude who ended up not being a creepy dude, hear voices in my head, and Jessica dumped a bag of awkward crickets all over me. It was great. Night, Dad.

Bella's inner monologue: I am now going to describe, with much gusto and detail, what it looks like for a teenage girl to emotionally die: huge hole had been punched through my chest, unhealed gashes are around the edges that throbbed and bled, gasping for air and head spinning, hands felt blue with cold. Hug self to try to keep said self together. And thus, NotSoZombieOrComotose!Bella is born.