CHAPTER FIVE

The Woman and the Man

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but I do own a small green frog named Larry.

AN: Thanks for your reviews, ladies and gents! I was really pumped to write this because I got 118 reviews on B42's last chapter! I know that B42 doesn't have anything to do with this story, but I was in such a jolly mood, I decided to write some more Re-Stitched.

Go thank WHITLOCK-HALE for beta-ing. So the two of us went to Dave and Buster's this weekend and in case you don't know, it is a huge arcade. Well, technically the official name is an adult arcade, but that sounds really dirty. Oh, well. Now I'm not a big gamer or anything, but I love this place. W.H. owned like every game. It was the shit.

Anyway. Here is some more sarcastic Edward. Yeah-yuh.

EPOV

After my shift at work, I ran to my car after receiving directions from Alice. Apparently, I was going to be traveling to the middle of no where to visit renowned tailor Jessica Stanley. Seamstress Stanley's, really? Very creative, big girl. What kind of fucking name is that? Christ, a nine-year-old could come up with a more ingenious name then that.

Alice told me that the remote location is vital to the survival of the company. Miss Stanley explicitly demanded to build on a street called Shiny, Sparkly, or Shimmery. Since no one in their right mind has named a road after anything that had a gleam in the light, Jessica built one. Well, she didn't build it, per say; but she requested the construction of it. A few short months later, Seamstress Stanley's was erected on 69247 Shiny Street. I rolled my eyes. This bitch better be able to hem or so help me.

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number Alice gave to me. She already set up an appointment, but I just wanted to ensure that I was actually getting in to. It might just be the initial sizing, but, damn, I don't just drop my shit for anyone. I've got things to do at the hospital.

I waited a few seconds until a shriek answered the phone.

"Thank you for calling Seamstress Stanley's, Miss Jessica speaking, how may I help you?" she asked a bit too cheerfully.

It seemed fake. Not like Alice's genuine excitement for life. This Jessica, the woman who was going to be placing pins near my dick, sounded like an airhead. I'm sensing a problem.

"This is Edward Cullen, my sister Alice, should have set up an appointment for a wedding tux fitting. I just want to check that out and make sure everything is squared away. Two o'clock, right?" I asked.

"Oh, so you're the Edward. The Edward who got his girlfriend pregnant and now is having a shotgun wedding?" she snapped.

The fuck she just say? Psycho bitch needs to take her lithium. One second she's cheery and the next she is snapping at me; another reason why I shouldn't let her bring sharp objects near the goods. I would really like the cock to be functioning normally thank you very much.

"Yes, that would be me. So is the appointment for today still okay? Because I really need that suit altered," I said, trying to keep my cool.

She might be crazy, but I shouldn't add to the fire. Jessie doesn't need another reason to shank my balls.

"Of course your appointment is still at two. Just make sure that you are on time. There are other important clients. You may be one of my best customer's brothers, but that doesn't mean you can disrespect me by being late," she growled.

Jeez. Now I can't decide if she's bi-polar, or if she's just PMS-ing. Either way, I'm not looking forward to this appointment. I also get the feeling that this woman is a wannabe cougar. I cringed. Younger woman were my thing.

"Well, okay then, ma'am, I will be there at two o'clock sharp. Have yourself a dandy day," I chuckled sarcastically.

"Yeah, bye," she snarled.

Chill out, Nancy. It's not like I broke your nail or criticized your fashion sense.

For the rest of the day, I was not looking forward to this bogus appointment; dreading it actually. I would rather slit my throat with a rusty hanger than deal with Jacked-Up Jessica.

Rapidly, I hopped into the Volvo and plugged the address for Seamstress Stanley's into my GPS. I sped off down the road toward my destination.

But of course, my GPS decided to lead me on a wild goose chase across the Seattle cityscape. It wasn't exactly a hotspot in Washington.

So after a few hours of driving around like a chicken with its head cut off, I made it to the store, err, shack. From Alice's description, I was expecting a top-of-the-line tailor. Not a piece of cardboard with pink paint splattered on the outside.

Reluctantly, I got out of the car and ambled to the front door. Surprisingly, it opened with ease. I walked through the door and spotted a brawny man and a woman with dark brown hair who were deep in conversation.

I coughed and the woman immediately looked up. She gasped as our eyes met.

This woman did not look like a Jessica. She needed a name that was more, sexy. Like Veronica.

I was pretty shocked as well. I was expecting Jessica to be older, and well, filled with more Botox and surgically perfected. I was anticipated her tits to be filled with more saline.

This woman was sexy as hell. I would definitely not mind her flowing hair tickling my thighs, with her flushed pink lips circling my engorged cock while I fucked her in the mouth.

"Can I help you?" she asked sweetly.

"I'll just be leaving," the burly man said to brunette.

"I'm Edward Cullen, I have an appointment at 2:00," I answered, staring at her breasts that were nuzzled sweetly in a "v"-neck.

I wanted to reach out and introduce myself to the twins. They looked like they were begging to say hello to my palms while her lady friend held my little Eddie tightly.

I grinned, and then frowned. Tanya is my fiancée.

Jessica cleared her throat, and I grudgingly broke my gaze from her chest, which was practically on a platter for me to take a bite of. Delicious.

Then she coughed again, this time a little louder. My eyes met her brown orbs.

"Well, you're late. And that doesn't mean that you get a free pass to look down my shirt, ass-hole," she snapped.

Feisty, I growled.

"Sorry, Jessica. I am just in awe at your fantastic skills," I chuckled.

"Jessica? God, no. I'm Bella," Bella said.

Hmm, Bella. That's more fitting of this sexy little woman. Bella sounds exotic.

"Wait? What? So you're not the bitch, err, woman, I spoke to on the phone?" I questioned.

"No, that bitch would be my boss. I'm guessing you are the reason she was in such a horrible mood this morning," Bella growled.

"What? She's got her panties in a bunch? Although, her panties are the last ones on my mind," I grinned suggestively.

"Aren't you the one who is here for a wedding tux sizing? Pig," she said under her breath.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you to judge me? My girlfriend, sort of, is apparently a Fertile Myrtle and got pregnant even though she was on birth control. I stepped up and said I would marry her for the kid's sake. Sorry if I am a tad hesitant to leave the single life," I snapped.

"Boo fucking hoo," she growled. "Maybe you could have waited to have sex until you were ready to commit. Because clearly, you don't want to be with this girlfriend/fiancée/whoever-the-hell she is."

"Well excuse me Bella, have you ever wanted some random guy pinning you against a wall while he fucks you like an animal? While he pumps in and out of you while he drags his fingers down your back? I know you have desires you little temptress," I said, causing Bella to blush.

"I-I d-don't know w-what you're talking about," she stuttered nervously.

"Lie all you want, pretty woman, but I know I've got that image ingrained in your mind. I know that you are fantasizing about us doing the no-pants-dance," I said confidently.

"Don't get you're hopes up, champ. I have a boyfriend," she said quickly.

A little too quickly…

"That big guy that was in here before? That's fine. He probably just bulks up to compensate for, ya know," I laughed, trailing off.

She scowled.

"For your information, no, Emmett and I are not dating," she began.

Before she could finish, I cut her off.

"So you DO enjoy a good lay! I knew it! How many fuck buddies do you have?" I laughed.

This time she rolled her eyes.

"Okay, so I don't have a boyfriend, or a fuck buddy as you so eloquently put it. But that doesn't mean that I don't know anything about sex," she barked.

"Well, why don't you teach me a few pointers? I am going to be married in a few weeks and I'm sure the wifey would love learning some new techniques," I grinned cheekily.

"Well, okay champ, drop your pants and let's get to work," she beamed.

Holy hell this is proving to be a better day than expected.

AN: This isn't too long, but I thought it was funny and I wanted to get it out. I really like their banter in this chapter.

Review, please!