"So what's the plan, little bro?" asked Joker, as he and Batman stood outside the apartment complex. Carmine Falcone owned a penthouse on the top floor, and judging by the guards waiting outside on the balcony, he was definitely at home. "Stride into the lobby, take the elevator to the top floor, knock on the door and shoot whoever answers it in the face?"
"You're never subtle, are you?" growled Batman, rolling his eyes.
"This from the man who owns about a hundred bat-gadgets," retorted Joker, grinning. "Subtlety isn't a family trait, baby brother."
Batman gritted his teeth, holding up the spare Batclaw he kept in his car and pulling a few feet of cord out of it, which he started wrapping around Joker's waist. "Evening!" said Joker, cheerfully, as passersby stared at him and Batman curiously. "My little bro and I are just out for a stroll…"
"Shut up!" snapped Batman. He checked the knot and then muttered, "Ok, hang on," grabbing Joker around the waist and shooting the batclaw up onto the balcony.
"Little bro? Are you sure this thing is safe? Little bro? Little bro!" shrieked Joker as the Batclaw suddenly reeled in, shooting them toward the building. Joker's face collided with a window with a crack as Batman steadied them against the wall.
"You did that on purpose," muttered Joker, glaring up at him and cupping his bleeding nose.
"I told you not to call me little bro," retorted Batman calmly, as he began to climb up the side of the building. "Now keep up."
"You slow down!" snapped Joker. "Unlike my batty brother, I don't spend my free time practicing rope climbing!"
Batman sighed but slowed down. "So when's the celebrity gonna pop their head outta the window?" asked Joker at last.
"What the hell are you talking about?" demanded Batman.
"I've seen it on TV – you and Robin are climbing up the side of a fake-looking building, and a random celebrity always looks out the window and talks to you. Personally I hope it's Colonel Klink this week, just so I can beat the crap outta him, and have words like 'pow' and 'wham' pop up on screen," said Joker.
Batman looked at him and then went back to climbing, trying to ignore his insanity. "I'm tired!" whined Joker. "Are we at the top yet?"
"No!" snapped Batman. "You can see we're not!"
"Well, I ain't climbing anymore," said Joker, letting go of the rope. He fell a little ways, but the rope caught him around the waist, and he just hung there, folding his arms across his chest and looking up at Batman expectantly.
Batman sighed heavily, and then began pulling Joker up after him, wishing for the hundredth time since they left Joker's hideout that Arkham had been on the way here, so he could have dropped Joker off there and saved Harley on his own. But he didn't want to waste any more time than necessary rescuing her – unlike Joker, he was worried that Falcone might try to hurt her.
They reached the penthouse balcony at last, and Batman carefully climbed over the edge of the railing. The two guards had their back to him, talking to each other, and Batman crept over and suddenly slammed their heads together, knocking them out.
"Huh. No pow and wham," said Joker, slightly disappointed.
"Shut up and let me think of a way to get inside without them noticing," growled Batman. He was trying to figure out the alarm system on the door when he heard a grating sound, and turned to see Joker lifting off a vent cover.
"Every building's got vents!" giggled Joker. "And they never alarm them, like the suckers they are!"
"Yeah…I guess we could go in that way," muttered Batman, climbing inside the ventilation shaft.
"It's kinda unfair that I got both the brains and the looks in the family, huh, little bro?" sighed Joker, grinning as they made their way down the tunnel. "Still, I guess you got…uh…um…you got...uh...help me out here, Batsy, what have you got?"
Batman clapped a hand over his mouth, pointing through the grating. Harley was tied to a chair in the room below, and Falcone was talking to her, with Batman's utility belt draped over one shoulder.
"…promised the Joker I wouldn't shoot you for twenty-four hours, but I never said I wouldn't touch you," Falcone murmured, tilting her chin up to him. "He's a very lucky man. You're a hot piece of ass, you know. I don't even know why you waste yourself on that clown when there are gorgeous guys like me around. I'm sure you're a real live wire in bed."
"Don't compare me to that bitch Livewire!" snapped Harley. "And trust me, you couldn't handle me in bed, pal."
"That sounds like a challenge to me," murmured Falcone, grinning. "And I do deserve a reward after all the trouble Joker has caused me. I think it's only right that you make it up to me, sweetheart."
Harley sighed. "Ok. Don't say I didn't warn you," she murmured, as Falcone bent over to untie her, kissing and caressing her shoulders and neck.
Batman raised a fist to punch his way through the grate, but it was intercepted by the Joker. "She's got this, little bro," he whispered. "Don't spoil the fun!"
Harley suddenly kicked upward, her knee colliding with Falcone's groin. He hissed in pain, falling back, as Harley broke through the last of her bonds. She punched him several times and then whirled around, picking up the chair and slamming it into his face.
"See, ya gotta warm up with a little beating foreplay!" she shouted over Falcone's shrieks of agony. "That gets my motor revving!"
She slammed the chair down hard onto his head, knocking him unconscious. "What a woman!" whispered Joker, grinning. Batman rolled his eyes as Harley sighed, looking around forlornly.
"Now I'm all revved up with no place to go. If only Mr. J were here…"
"Wish granted, pumpkin!" said Joker, kicking out the grate and sliding into the room.
"Puddin'!" she shrieked, leaping into his arms. "Oh, you came to rescue me, just like a knight in shining armor!"
"Well, I couldn't leave my cute little cupcake at the mercy of a brute like that," cooed Joker, patting her on the head. "But I knew you could handle yourself, really. Batsy was worried, but he don't know what a naughty little minx you are."
"Oh, puddin'," gasped Harley, mauling his mouth. "Puddin', your Harley girl got so excited beating the bad gangster to a bloody pulp."
"Mmm, and I got excited watching you, Harley girl," murmured Joker, kissing her.
They suddenly heard pounding on the door. "Boss? Boss! You ok? Aw, Christ, get the door open!"
"Out through the vent, now!" snapped Batman, grabbing his utility belt from Falcone's unconscious body and buckling it on as the guards outside began shooting the door down.
Joker sighed heavily. "Always when I'm in the mood, company shows up," he muttered.
"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, just a quickie!" pleaded Harley, clinging onto him.
"They're gonna break in any minute and start shooting us!" exclaimed Batman.
"Well, when you put it like that, it's almost too tempting to resist having a quickie," agreed Joker, chuckling.
"You're both nuts!" cried Batman, grabbing them each by the arm and shoving them toward the vent. "Just get in there and go!"
The door was kicked down as the henchmen burst into the room. "It's Batman! Shoot him!" one shouted, and then a hail of bullets came straight at them. Batman shoved Joker and Harley to the ground, reaching into his belt for a Batarang. He threw two at once, and they hit the henchmen in the hands, making them drop the guns with a cry. Then Batman disappeared down the vent, following Joker and Harley out of the room and back out onto the balcony.
"Hang on, both of you!" he shouted, grabbing them around the waist and then running off the edge. Harley screamed as the ground came up fast, but Batman pressed a button on his suit and a pair of wings shot from the back. They glided over the city and gradually down to the ground.
Batman released Harley and she grimaced. "Jesus, Bats, I think you made me pee my pants! I definitely feel all wet down there…"
"Well, you did say beating the gangster excited you!" giggled Joker.
"It's blood," said Batman, noticing the red stain on Harley's costume.
"Oh my God – I been shot!" shrieked Harley, clutching her stomach.
"No, you haven't!" snapped Batman. "There's no bullet wound! The blood's leaked onto you from…"
He looked down at his waist, where a dark red blotch stained his suit.
"Oh my God – you've been shot!" exclaimed Joker, racing over. "Oh, my poor batty baby brother – I'll get them for this! Nobody except me hurts my little bro and lives!"
"I haven't been shot," growled Batman, shoving him away. "I would have felt it! They shot something in my belt, which leaked…"
He reached into his belt and pulled out a broken glass vial. "It's your blood sample," he murmured.
He sighed, replacing the broken glass in his belt. "I'll just get another sample when we get back to Arkham," he muttered.
"Or, to save your own flesh and blood some pain, you could just collect one of my blood samples from the medical wing!" said Joker, brightly.
"I could do that," admitted Batman, nodding.
"This is your blood, Mr. J?" asked Harley. She beamed. "Well, I don't mind being covered in your blood, puddin'! But why does Batsy have it in his belt? Is he a vampire?"
Batman glared at Joker. "I don't think I need to tell you that what I said earlier about a certain Jack Napier should stay just between the two of us," he growled.
"You got it, Batsy!" giggled Joker. "He carries it around the way sweethearts carry around a lock of each other's hair, pooh," explained Joker, turning to her. "Y'know, something romantic to remind themselves of each other when they're apart."
Batman sighed heavily, slapping handcuffs on both Joker and Harley and dragging them toward the Batmobile as Harley started pressing the Joker to carry a sample of her blood around. He guessed even Joker joking about them being in love was better than Joker claiming to be his brother. Because scarily the latter might be true.