DISCLAIMER: … I do not own the Slayers or any quotes I have listed at the top of the chapters…
-x- Chapter Six -x-
Turn my back I'm defenseless…
And to go blindly seems senseless…
If I hide my pride and let it all go on…
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone…
If I let them go I'll be outdone…
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun…
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer…
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer…
By myself…
-x- "Myself"- Linkin Park -x-
Filia wandered back to her room shrouded in a looming cloud of reservation and despair. She felt as though her world had been torn apart. Each piece of her history washed away bit by bit by the torrents of experience that her adult life was now presenting her with. All that she had known, all that she had been was being eroded away into nothingness. Now, today, she wondered if this had not been the very last piece of her certainty that fate had seen fit to cruelly snatch away from her.
If it was, and even it wasn't, she couldn't help but wonder just what would be left in the end. If in the end, all that she had learned, all that she had been led to perceive, if it all turned out to be a lie that had been declared into existence from nothingness, then would she…
Would Filia even exist at the end of all of this?
"Who am I… anyway?" She asked herself softly, closing the door behind her and collapsing into the seat Xelloss had thought to place before the vanity for her. Her own tired gaze met her curious and pleading glance but could do nothing but reflect her own ignorance back at her.
Filia closed her eyes tiredly, replaying the day's events over and over again in her mind. She had always been able to do this, it was both a skill and a curse, although…
Back home, at the shrine, it had been a blessing. She had always been far more advanced than other female dragons that she had been raised with but she hadn't known why. At just a very young age the Supreme Elder had shown up in her providence to see the newest talents born amongst the nursery of the Fire Dragon King. Filia had still been too young but she had watched in awe as the young dragon males came before the elder and showed off tricks of medial human White Magic. After they had shown off each would head back to their teachers and be congratulated.
There were girls as well, but Filia wasn't as interested in them. Their magic seemed weak in comparison, a certain lack of focus applied to it. Afterward however, their teachers would still congratulate them, twice as much as the boys in fact. Filia saw all of this, and found herself even more surprised when the Supreme Elder saw that she had seen.
"You there, little Gold." He had called and a small crowd parted to reveal a path between them, but neither he nor Filia paid it any mind, their gaze locked solely on the others. "Do you wish to be tested?"
"Forgive me elder!" Her Headmistress spoke up quickly, waving her hands nervously. "But she is still far too young! Perhaps in a couple more years…"
"Are you too young?" He had asked her, and Filia had bit her lip nervously, shaking her head bashfully."No?" He asked, arching an eyebrow expectantly. "Can you do what the kids before you have done today?"
Filia nodded with a happy grin as she innocently replied. "Hai, Elder. I just watched them do it!"
"So you did." He agreed, motioning for her to step forward as the crowd whispered on disdainfully. "What is your name, child?"
"Filia!" She declared nervously, giving a small nervous grin and a curtsy. "Filia Ul Copt."
"Filia." He acknowledged, settling back down and watching attentively. "Show me your magic."
"Hai!" Filia cried, holding up her small hands and concentrating, her eyes squinted shut in anticipation. She could feel the sun on her face, its rays warming her being, her very soul. That was what the sun was, warm, to create a light and a warmth so bright she would have to be as bright and warm in her heart as the sun itself! Then it would just flow from her, she knew it!
"That's enough, Filia." She had heard the Elder say from beyond her closed lids. "At this rate you shall blind all of your community."
Filia blinked opened her eyes with a start, only able to catch a small bright flash of her own lighting before it winked away. The others whispered, wincing as though blinded by some terrible force and Filia flushed, looking to the ground nervously.
"Sorry…" She stammered, not braving to lift her head.
"An interesting thing, is it not?" The Elder asked, drawing her attention once more. "This child is the most talented one I have seen today and yet no teachers come to congratulate her as they did the other less impressive children."
"She has no teacher. She has already grown beyond all the teachings of her own age group." Her Headmistress explained with a little shrug.
"So I see. Than I myself shall teach her." He offered calmly, standing to his feet and offering her his hand. "Come with me Filia, and when you have learned all that even I can teach you, I shall set you free to teach yourself…"
And so he had, she had been chosen to go and find the ones chosen to save the world. She had the skills to be certain, no one doubted that. The Elder had told her though, as great a mission as this was there was an even more important mission underneath it all.
"This is a Journey to find your future, Filia." He had stated heavily, his hands clenched underneath his chin as he stared up at her from his desk. "Go, and see if it lies here or beyond this temple. Should we survive this, you may then choose your path…"
Filia gasped, her eyes popping open in shock.
"I… never chose…" She whispered softly, gripping the vanity and holding her own wide-eyed gaze in the mirror.
"I never finished my final mission…"
"I must say, you've introduced a new and far more literal way to use a vanity, Filia." Xelloss stated dryly, laying back against her throw pillows and cracking a lazy eye at her. "But then again, perhaps you should be commended for talking to yourself and not just gawking like some cowardly fool. Yes, you've brought a new sense of intellect into my life as I am forced to consider this, but then again... I was always one for taking to myself anyways."
"Obviously." Filia ground out, picking up her brush and pulling it through her blond locks as though oblivious to his presence. "For as I'm not paying the slightest bit of attention, who else could you be talking too?"
"Oh dear, and I thought you too had gained some perspective today!" He stated darkly, crossing his arms with a little pout.
"No amount of perspective will make you any less vile in my mind, Xelloss." She replied tersely, turning to the other side of her head to brush as he glared at her straight-backed posturing.
"Shades of gray, Little Filia." He quoted softly into her ear, phasing over to her and leaning in just past her shoulder to meet her shocked gaze in the mirror; his own piercing her world with calm decisiveness. "Shades of gray."
"I'll see you in the morning for your next mission." He stated calmly, closing his eyes as he faded away. The half of him still left on this plane arched a finger pointedly. "And this one is all mine."
Then he was nothing more than a dark titter, and than he was gone completely leaving Filia more shaken than before.
She wondered just where her Elder's final mission would end up taking her.
All paths yet unexplored would be terrifying indeed, perhaps starting as soon as tomorrow morning it would seem.