Joe's Last Letter

It was almost midnight as Lee sat in his office looking out into the bullpen he was finalizing the report on the Milan file and Katie's abduction. It turned his stomach every time he thought about what she had went through in her short life. She had an abusive father who was willing to kill her to keep her away from her own mother; an even sicker step father that wanted to sell her to the highest bidder. Thank God she was now seeing someone to help her with all of that. From what Constance had told him and also from what he had observed she was doing better than most girls her age would have. He also believed that it help when Amanda told her about when she was abducted by Birol.

He looked at the files scattered across his desk and he thought about how he had gotten there. Dr. Smyth had tried to kill his wife and Billy got Smyth's job, Lee had gotten this one, and Amanda had become his Assistant. When Francine had returned to work he thought she would want this position, after all it was what Billy had been training her for. She didn't; she wanted more field work and even took on the Q.

Lee knew that Amanda missed being in the field, but so did he. He missed the action and excitement, but he also knew that he had a family waiting at home for him; he moved a file and found a white envelope with his name on it. Joe's letter he thought, he had brought it in with him and then it must have gotten lost under his files. Damn he had meant to read it sooner than a month after Joe's death. Lee,

I have written letters all night to the people who mean the most to me; next to my wife that is. This one isn't as easy to write because at the moment I know that whatever I say is irrelevant to you because at the moment all you know is that I hurt and disappointed my sons again. I have done something to where you will have to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. I hope you don't try to fix this; that is my job. I know I have been doing a lousy job here lately and I don't need you to remind me of that. The boys, Carrie, and Amanda already tell me enough.

Tonight both of my children told me that they hated me, to forget that they even were born, and that they want to call you Dad. If they call you Dad where does that leave me? I know the last year has been hard on them, but I have tried, I hope you realize that. The day Philip was born was one of my happiest. I am sure you know the feeling with Matt and Jennie. I never thought I could love someone so much in my entire life. It was the most amazing feeling. That day I felt like I could go toe to toe with an untamed mustang and break it. Unfortunately the mustang broke me. Jamie's birth was no different; I was Superman and Amanda was Lois Lane. Our family was complete and I wanted to give them everything. In trying to achieve that goal I lost sight of the important things. I lost the people I was doing it all for.

I took Amanda for granted and left her alone to raise two boys, run a household, and be available at my whim. I never expected two small children would adjust to the fact that Daddy was a person in a picture frame. It wasn't my plan to be an absentee parent; but it looks like that is what I have become, I want to change that.

I want you to know that I don't like the fact that the boys want to call you Dad, but it seems that is something I will have to get used to. I also want you to know that I have no intention of just walking out of their lives. I am sure you won't believe me; just like the boys and Amanda I will have to prove it; I'm okay with that. They can take all the time they want to begin to believe in me again and I am okay with that. Just please don't stand in my way. Lee, I know you are a good man and I am glad that if I couldn't be there for them that you can.

Jamie doesn't know and I am sure that you are unaware; I have seen a photo essay he did. It seems to be about fathers and sons. He has two pictures of me and him together and the rest is of you. He is so much like Amanda and guards his self and for him to have done this must have been really hard. The photos are great and he did a great job. That was why I backed out for the banquet because I know that Jamie would have preferred to take you and I wanted to give him what he wanted. He saw it as another way for me to just not measure up. I tried to explain why but he is just so mad at me; I want to give him time to calm down when I can talk and explain to him.

I have seen a great change in them over the last two years and I don't think it has anything to do with me. It has had to do with you being there on a daily basis and being involved. Philip is so mature and more ready to defend his brother; that is something you had to have taught him because no matter what his mother and I did it never worked. Jamie has become less shy and has become more outspoken. Even the changes in Amanda can be attributed to you; she is stronger, braver, and happier.

I want to thank you Lee for finding Amanda that day at the train station. She has a glow about her that I know only comes from doing something you really believe in and love. She does believe in the work she does; making the world better. The love she has for you is written all over her face and I know she is going to be fine.

You know as well as I do that loving Amanda is not easy, she is stubborn and hates to admit when she is wrong; but I truly believe that she is the greatest loss of my life. I don't think I could have made her happy even if I had stayed. In all honesty I never wanted her to grow and change. I respect the fact that you allow her to be herself and try not to change her. Don't make the same mistakes I did and let work take over your life to the point where you are the one writing to your family asking for one more chance.

Lee, just please promise me you will continue to love my family and always be there for the big things. I know that your job is also one that can at times come before your family; don't let it. Take time to get to know all of your children. Matt and Jennie won't be young forever and before you know it the boys will be gone too. Don't make my mistakes and lose the one that mean the most to you.

Carrie and I will be gone until after the New Year but when we get back I want to see the boys. Carrie and I are opening our own firm so we can be there and prove to the boys that they are important to us. They are my whole world and I want to get back to being someone they can be proud of. I also want to be their Dad again; even if I have to share that title, but if I have to share it I am glad it is with you.

Thank you again for loving and protecting them.

Joe

He picked up his coat and keys and headed out the door. He was going to go home and sleep a few hours. The drive to Arlington took less time considering the time of the morning. He made it home and went to check on the kids. Philip and Jamie was sound asleep both had the covers kicked off of them and he replaced them. Matt was in his toddler bed snuggled up to his teddy bear but Jennie wasn't in her bed. Panic took him as he went to get Amanda up and look for her; he found her in his bed next to her mother holding his pillow tightly with her thumb in her mouth.

"Hey, Princess, Daddy's home, time to go in your bed."

Jennie sat up and rubbed her little eyes and said, "Scary monsters."

"Scary monsters, where are scary monsters?" Lee whispered.

"In my bed."

"Your bed; well I was just in there and I didn't see any monsters. Let's go see." Lee took her tiny hand and walked her in her room and showed her that her room had no monsters in it. It was monster free.

"What if they come back Daddy?"

"They won't; see this?" He pulled out his Agency badge and let her hold it.

"What is this?" She asked as her fingers traced over his badge and she looked at his ID card.

"It means that I can keep you safe and no monsters can ever hurt you. Daddy will never let anyone hurt you."

"Can I keep it?"

"No; I can't let you have it, but you can look at it."

"Tell me a story, Daddy."

"What story do you want to hear, Princess?"

Her eyes lit up and she said, "The one when you met Mommy and got married."

"Princess, that is a long story, but I can tell you some of it. You see once upon a time Daddy was working and he had to go to the train station. He was trying to deliver a package to a friend and he couldn't find his friend. He asked Mommy to help him and she did."

"And you fell in love with Mommy at the train?"

"No, not at the train, but I did fall in love with Mommy not long after the train, I was just scared to tell her. Now you go back to sleep, Princess. Daddy and Mommy will see you in the morning." Bending down he kissed her forehead and walked from the room, never realizing until they had dropped the twins off with Dotty the next morning and had arrived at the Agency that Jennie still had his ID and badge.