Notes: So most of this piece has been a tight cast, but this is the first part that is going to start directing including more of the characters. I know Kisa/Santanico isn't always the most popular character in the series, but I'm gonna beg your indulgence, because I need her to be a part of this.
I cannot thank you all enough for your words. I am so touched with every review. I know that this story's subject matter makes it all the harder to read - so thank you for giving it a chance. I hope you continue to enjoy the ride.
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Die By Dawn: Part 6..Atone For The Wrongs She Did With My Body 1/?
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The sun hadn't quite set yet, but the two women were shielded, sitting in the shade on the edge of a ravine. The area was quiet, away from traffic and people, but three very-well armed bodyguards stood at attention near the SVU, two looking out and one focused solely on women. The dark haired woman was sitting with her legs tucked beneath her, while the other had her legs swinging over the edge. Music playing softly from a cellphone and the crinkling of paper wrappers echoed in the empty space.
"I think this is better than the last ham-burger that I had." Kisa looked pensively at the food in her hands. "Richard liked them with…" She paused trying to remember the word, "pineapple. He liked them with pineapple on them and the fries were different."
Kate let out a little laugh, "Kuhana burgers, they both have a thing for those and those fries are made out of sweet potatoes, these just regular potatoes. I'm glad you like it. I can't wait to rub it in that I've got better taste in burgers then they do." She sipped on her milkshake. "I was so in the mood for junk food."
Kisa chuckled, "Richard mentioned that you were eating a lot of healthy things."
"I'm sure that's that he said, what's actually happening is he's got poor Riley researching all these super foods and trying to make them taste good." Kate shook the drink in her hand.
"She's the cook at Jed's now? The dark-skinned woman with the braids?" Kisa questioned, and Kate nodded to confirm. "I know that cancer treatments can make a person sick. Are those super foods part of your treatments, to make you not as sick?"
Kate shook her head, "No, just supposed to help keep my energy up and help me feel better in general. Chemotherapy and radiation do make people sick when they're being treated for cancer, but because of all the damage to my organs those aren't really options for me. My treatment is called immunotherapy, it's a little different. I mean it can still make me sick, but right now my only side effects are being a little tired and I get really warm randomly. I'm pretty lucky when you think about it; it could be a lot worse."
Kisa took another bite of her burger, not sure how to respond to Kate's optimistic attitude about her health and the situation. She certainly wouldn't be as accepting of the circumstances that Kate was facing and she absolutely wouldn't be focused on other people. Maybe she would have been a few lifetimes ago, but after living so long, Kisa often wondered if she even had the capacity for compassion. "Chu'si came to see me, she said that she tried to help you."
"I don't really remember much about that whole night. It's really fuzzy, and the guys told me that it didn't really work, whatever she tried." Kate snagged a french fry out of the bag. "What did she tell you?"
"She told me that the souls Am…"
"Please don't." Kate interrupted her, looking uncomfortable and even a little ill, before explaining her outburst. "We don't say her name out loud, usually. It's hard to hear it. I know it's stupid…"
"It isn't stupid at all." Kisa was going to reach for Kate's hand, but stopped herself not sure if Kate would be comfortable with her touching her so casually. "It still hurts to hear the name of the man, who tortured me in the Twister. There is nothing unreasonable about not wanting to hear a name that brings you pain." She paused for moment, than cleared her throat. "Chu'si, said that those souls she took completely are still with you… around you."
Kate bit her lip, "So I'm haunted?"
"No." Kisa reassured her. "Those souls, they know that what happened them wasn't because you. They're trying to protect you, comfort you. That moment of quiet and calm that you get just as you wake up, that's them trying to console you after your nightmares. And sometimes they reach out to others through you."
"I don't understand."
"When you hugged me at Jed's I jumped back, because I could smell Manola's shampoo in your hair. It was like a phantom memory and you tapped my shoulder three times with three of your fingers, she always did that when we'd been apart." Kisa twisted the gold band on her index finger and drew a long breath, "It meant past, present and future."
Tears sprang into Kate's eyes, "I'm sorry. I didn't even realize I had…"
"I don't blame you. It wasn't your fault, Kate, none of it was." Kisa looked out over the ravine, then back at the green-eyed girl. "Which is why is you shouldn't blame yourself; you didn't ask for what happened to you."
"There's a lot of remorse to go around, valid or not. Richie still feels guilty about Ximena about how he killed her through Freddie. He didn't want that to happen." Kate bit her lip.
"He didn't want Monica to happen either." That woman's death was on her own head. She'd manipulated Richie to the point that he had no idea what was happening. She knew it was wrong. What she had set in motion, what happen to that innocent woman, those were her sins. Her desire to be free overwhelmed any sense of morality she still had. Richard had done it behind her back, but she'd discovered that soon after the Twister, he'd sent money to Monica's family: his own quiet atonement.
"He feels guilty over the ones he killed that were beyond his control, the ones he can't justify with self-survival or purpose. Given the stressful environment that he was in, in that asylum, I'm surprised he didn't just kill everyone immediately." Kisa took a drink from her bottle of water.
"I think I helped him with that." Kate admitted quietly.
Kisa's eyebrow arched, "How so?"
"She'd break you by showing you the worst pieces of yourself or by taking memories and twisting them, showing them to you over and over until you just gave up." Kate fidgeted, "She was distracted by Richie thought he had so much potential for her purposes. So when she pushed into his mind with a nightmare I tweaked it…I made sure that he only saw one of two specific twisted moments. I kept showing him my death at the Bloodwell, expect he shot me instead of Carlos or this fight that he had with Seth at Jed's and he tears out Seth's throat. I thought that since Richie's so smart that if I kept showing him two people dying that would be in front of him that his brain would realize something wasn't right. Give him a chance to fight her... But he's still having those nightmares and when he does, I can hear it."
"That's the link she imposed between the two of you; it will fade, Kate. And those nightmares will stop for him. You need to remember that by doing what you did, you probably kept him from killing Scott and Seth. It's incredible that you were able to fight her at all."
They sat quiet for a minute, Kate picking at the little stones on the ground, "It's just hard not to feel guilty about it. I mean it was my body…"
"But not your choices." Kisa reminded her, before forcing out the words, "I have to be honest with you about something. About my part in what happened to you, even before her, about what got you to the Twister."
"Me getting to the Twister is on the Geckos. Seth's choice to kidnap me and my family."
All Kisa could think was how the girl didn't understand the entire story. Didn't realize how the events of that day were laid out like pieces on a chessboard. She hated chess; Carlos always tried to make her play and she had no patience for the complicated game. She needed to confess, but she stopped herself instead questioning, "And you've truly forgiven him, both of them?"
"I did. It took time, but I realized that if they had known what the Twister was, Seth wouldn't have held onto us. We weren't really supposed to be there."
"Carlos made sure you were there." She closed her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to look at Kate, "Because I told him to make sure you were there."
"What?" Kate's eyes narrowed somewhere between confusion and anger.
"Not you specifically, but I told him that I needed to make sure the gods were as distracted as possible. I tried to escape before and the repercussions were, severe. So I had to be sure everything was in place, that it would work this time. I was sure that as soon as the Geckos entered the temple that the gods would recognize them as the twins. I couldn't risk it…I couldn't risk my chance to get free... I couldn't risk getting caught in another attempt. I told Carlos to find the archetypes that would distract the gods and I didn't care who they were or how they got there."
"Archetypes?" Kate questioned.
"The gods are fascinated by certain archetypes that appear in humanity. Having them present in the Twister would keep them from noticing the Geckos until it was too late. The three that are the most distracting are: a fallen man of faith, a lost son and a pure light. Kate, I meant for you take my place. I want to say that I'm sorry. And I am sorry for everything that happened to you, but I don't know if I can honestly say that I would change anything, because I needed to be free." She felt tears drip down her cheeks, "It wasn't right, but I was so desperate, I just…"
Kate reached over and grabbed Kisa's hand squeezing it tightly. "Did you know it takes about ten years to make someone a serial killer? After a few years of abuse a person's brain chemistry can be completely altered and that's without the lack of sunshine, the need to drink blood to survive, and being a prisoner. After over 500 years of that… Well, I think it would make anyone desperate enough to make some very harsh choices. So I forgive you."
"You can't just forgive something like that."
"Sure I can. If I'm ever going to be able to forgive myself, I can't be bitter. I can't hold a grudge."
"But the things I did…" Kisa looked down at their linked hands. "I hurt so many people. I didn't care who I hurt. All I cared about was getting my freedom. And I was just as manipulative and cruel as my captors and no better, when I was seeking my revenge."
Kate squeezed Kisa's hand, as if trying to reassure her. "What's more important is how you live your life now. We can't change the past or the choices we made, only what happens going forward."
Kisa withdrew her hand from Kate's and retrieved a page of folded paper from her pocket. "In the spirit of that," she handed it over to the younger girl, "here is the list you requested." Kate unfolded it immediately, her eyes scanning over the information. "Richard could have gotten you the information much faster."
"He could have, but he would have lied. Well not lied, but made it shorter or made them seem like they were bad people." Kate shook her head. "Try to make me feel better about the whole thing."
"They both have an odd gentleness that they hide from the world." Kisa turned the ring on her finger again; it had become a habit over the past few months. "I wasn't very kind to Richard. I manipulated him to get him to free me, caused him to give up everything he knew, and I just…I used him. I didn't really remember how to love before Manola. It had been so long since I'd had someone care for me, just to care for me." She swallowed, hating to speak of these things in her past, but she owed Kate her honesty.
"When Richard and I left the Twister, we ended up somewhere he knew was safe and dark. Before, when I was a prisoner, everything that was done for me came with a price. It cost me just to breathe." She tried to hide it, but her whole body tremored. "I made him give up everything: his life, his brother… And he freed me, so I knew I would have to pay. I didn't know what to expect from him, because sometimes being turned changes people, makes them cruel. I thought about all the failed attempts and what those had cost me. And I owed him everything; owed him my life."
She looked up to stars that had begun to litter the sky and continued the story. "And I thought…I don't even know what I thought, but got down on my knees in front of him. It was the first thing I could think of."
Kate's cheeks stained pink and she took a long drink of her shake.
"I'll never forget that moment. He studied me, so confused for just a moment, than he knelt down with me, grabbed my elbows, and pulled me up. He looked me in the eye and told me that I was never to be on my knees unless it was my choice. That I didn't owe him anything…" She sighed heavy, those memories weighing on her. "There are so many things I wish I would have done differently: how I escaped, how I treated him, how I took my revenge, and how I lived after, maybe if I would have done things differently. Maybe she wouldn't have died."
"Or maybe you would have never met her." Kate inclined her head to one side, "It's all about fate right? Right time and right place?"
"I suppose. There was an old belief that my people had about souls chasing each other through generations. That people would meet and meet again, playing different roles and drawing bit of those they touched into themselves. I'd like to think it's true, it would mean I might see her again, in some way."
"I like that; it's a comforting way to think about things." Her eyes scanned the list again. "There are just so many names, I couldn't remember their names. I hurt…"
"She hurt them, not you."
Kate nodded and looked down, "Why are some of them in different colors?"
"The culebras are in red; humans in black." Kisa explained.
"Makes sense. I just don't know how to make it right." She tipped her head back and stared at the sky again, "I just… don't know how to make it right."
Kisa stood up suddenly, "How far is the ocean from here?"
Kate arched her eyebrow, clearly confused, "Um… Galveston is about two hours from here and that's on the ocean. Why?"
"Let's go."
.:.
The two women stood on the beach, still under the watchful eyes of Kisa's bodyguards. The moonlight was bright in the sky and the waves crashed into the small stretch of shoreline as Kisa pulled her hair into a ponytail.
"I promised to take her to the ocean. She grew up in Idaho, never saw the ocean and I promised we'd make it down here someday. It was only a few hours away, I should have…" Kisa wiped the tears away from her face.
"Come on." Kate pulled off her shirt, shimmied out of her jeans, and pulled off her shoes. "Strip woman. Let's go."
Kisa felt herself smile lifted her dress over her head and toeing off her shoes. She gripped Kate's hand as they waded out into the water, "Mierda." She ground her teeth together. The water was freezing.
"It helps if you move around." Kate tugged her further into the water. "But holy hell it is cold." The two stood in the water for a few minutes before she wondered out loud. "It's funny how fate moved so many things together. You only wanted your freedom…"
"And my revenge."
"Sure, but your wanting to escape, led to the Gecko's robbery, which led to me and mine, and Carlos wanted the bonds to find the Bloodwell, and that led to her and all of that. It's just like it tangled itself together. I can't even image what else we set in motion with the choices we made."
"I made choices, you were drawn…"
"I made choices too. It was my choice to help Scott and that's what got me to the Bloodwell. I could have walked away, but maybe it's for the best that I didn't. Maybe if it hadn't been me it would have been worse."
"You really are a light." Kisa shook her head. "I truly am sorry for what you went through."
Kate nodded, "When she was in my head, taking souls, I couldn't see everything the way she could. My brain wouldn't process it. All I could see were flashes and feel some really strong emotions." Kate voice cracked betraying the casual optimism that she just offered about her past situation. "With Richie I felt heat like fire and this rage that he seemed to always be pushing down; with Scott it was sorrow, and regret over my father's death and my own; Seth was just guilt – overwhelming guilt, like he wished he could change every choice he'd ever made." She sounded so broken as the confession continued, "with the doctor in the asylum I could hear him tucking his children at night, saying their prayers; with Manola… she just loved you, didn't want you to blame yourself; and there were so many that were just… just so afraid…" Kate covered her face with her hands and started to cry. "I'm sorry; I'm so sorry, I couldn't stop her. I couldn't stop any of it."
Kisa hugged the younger woman tightly, stroking her hair, as she reassured, "It's alright, Kate. It's alright. No one blames you."
Kate shook in Kisa's arms, "They should. They should blame me for not being strong enough to stop her."
Kisa murmured a mix of Spanish and English as she attempted to console her, but finally she just let the girl cry, imagining that with her personality, Kate hid the majority of her pain and guilt. Kisa made eye contact with her red-haired bodyguard and pushed her request into his mind. Jason nodded and walked back to the SVU to retrieve what she wanted. "Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing."
"I'm not ready to forgive myself." Kate wept, "If I hadn't…"
"Kate." Kisa was trying to keep tears out of her own eyes. "If you are going to forgive other so easily, then you need to try to forgive yourself. I don't think that I should be absolved of my crimes against you, if you aren't willing to afford yourself the same measure." She could smell it again, the soft citrus scent of her lover's shampoo, mixing with mentholated medical rub that Manola used to put on her joints. It wasn't that she hadn't loved before Manola, but it was the first time she loved without something poisoning her thinking. 'I miss you so much, Love.' She kissed the top of Kate's head and coaxed the girl to follow her out of the water.
She accepted the blankets from Jason and let him pick up their clothes and she and Kate made their way slowly back to the SVU. Jason had already opened the back for them and she helped a still sniffling Kate in, wrapping one of the blankets around her shoulders. Kisa wrapped herself in blanket as well and sat next to Kate, before handing a bottle of red wine to Jason.
He flashed his fangs, sticking one into the cork and pulling it out of the bottle. Kate let out strangled laugh, despite the tears she was wiping off her face. "I guess another culebra perk is never needing a corkscrew."
Kisa smiled and took a sip from the bottle, before offering it to Kate. "It's one of my favorites."
"The perk or the wine?"
"Both." Kisa chuckled and watched Kate take a sip. "What do you think?"
"Not bad." She coughed a little and turned away a little embarrassed. "Better than whiskey they keep having me try."
Kisa took the bottle back from Kate, "Well you do live with two Geckos at a bar."
"I really do." Kate's smile was soft, as she pulled the blanket closer to her.
Kisa could almost audibly hear the Seth's memory of looking at Kate after the attempted exorcism.
"No. No. Hey look at me. You gotta fight, alright? I'm sorry." He could feel her skin under his hands. All he wanted was for her to be alright. Had to get Amaru out of her, so she was Kate again. Make her safe. Save her. He failed her once, he couldn't…
"I don't forgive you."
Her words had shattered his heart, in a way he didn't think it was possible for it to break anymore. Her teary eyes… all the shit he just put her through. He was sorry. More sorry that she could possibly understand.
She'd learned over the years to block out memories out when she took blood; only take the skills not the baggage, but she'd been hurt when she feed on Seth. She had been so surprised at his offer and in so much pain that she made the mistake of not trying to block anything. She had a lot of Seth's memories of Kate in her mind. She wondered… "He loves you."
Kate's cheeks tinged pink and she took the bottle back for another drink. "I know that. I know he loves me and I love him, but I don't know what that even means. We've been through so much that I'm not sure what kind of love it is. I know that sounds like a lousy excuse. But it's like he's a part of me and that confuses things."
"It does."
"Is Richie still a part of you?"
"Very much so. He's one of few people I trust and what that will mean as we move through time, I'm not sure. I just know that when I'm with him I can let my guard down, just a bit." She sipped from the bottle of wine and set the bottle between them as she looked at Kate's cross. "Do you still believe? In that? In your God?"
Kate smirked as she echoed Kisa's words. "Very much so." She toyed with the charm on the chain, "Seth asked me that after Twister and I'll tell you what I told him. Terrible things don't mean God isn't there, it just means that He's waiting for you to find Him on the other side. We were both such a mess after the Twister. I grew up pretty sheltered and Seth had always looked out for Richie so neither of us knew what we were doing. I just didn't want to be alone. The thought of going back to Bethel on my own, back to those people, who couldn't understand what had happened to me…I just couldn't." She sighed heavy, her fingers tracing the scars on one of her wrists.
"I got in the car with him and we drove for hours before we ended up at this motel. He left me alone for just a few minutes, to shower I think, and I started to cry. Everything just caught up I guess. Then I couldn't stop crying, I was hysterical. I felt like I couldn't breath and I started to hyperventilate. He walked back in and I'm on the floor sobbing, just a complete basket case. All of a sudden he was on the floor with me, grabbing my face and he kissed me."
Kate snatched up the bottle took another drink of the wine. "It didn't feel romantic or anything like that, which is weird, because he was only like the fourth person to kiss me that wasn't family. He kept his hands on my face, thumbs on my cheeks, and he was staring at me. He said something like, 'You're here; you made it. You're alive. It's okay, It's alright.' It was like he was trying to ground me. Bring me back to where I really was. After that we never really talked about, which was fine, because I didn't know how I felt about it. I mean he kidnapped me and my family and I barely knew him. After a while I noticed that he was really touch orientated so that's how he showed care."
"So after Chu'si came and saw me, and like I said that's all a big blur. I remember meeting her, Richie telling me I wasn't in pain, and then the boys were fighting about something. Seth and I were sitting together and he was so angry, just despondent. I just wanted him to feel better. So I kissed him. I wanted him to be there with me; ground him like he grounded me. Then he kissed me back... I think it was just comfort, but I'm not sure." Kate made a frustrated sound and buried her face in her hands, "He hasn't mentioned it since, so I really think it was just grounding. I think he was trying to make sure we were both there, both present. But I don't know how I even feel about…"
"You do love him."
Kate jumped startled at Kisa's accusation, "You couldn't know that."
"I mentioned the Geckos, then I said he loves you, and you started talking about him. Seth is where your heart went, Kate. You love him; let that be enough. Don't waste time, it is so precious." Kisa cracked her knuckles and took back the bottle for another drink. "Richard mentioned you're working on a list."
Kate looked grateful for the shift in conversation, "Oh yeah, my bucket list. Things I want to do before. You should hear the things those knuckleheads want to add to it."
"I can only imagine. Is that what the list of her victims is for? Part of your bucket list?" Kisa wondered, although she was sure she already knew the answer.
"Yes. I want to atone for the wrongs she did in my body." Kate pulled the blanket closer. "Try to make things right."
"We should get dressed and head back. I've got some things to go over with Richard." Kisa motioned for the girl to follow and they both tugged their clothes back on. After they were dressed, Kisa held out her hand to Kate, "Let me see your list of names." After Kate handed it over, Kisa snapped her fingers and Jason handed her a pen. She lined out, Manola Jimenez, "I'm all she had and knowing that she's at peace is enough for me."
Fresh tears sprang into Kate's eyes and she wiped them away quickly. "Thanks. One down I guess."
Kisa nodded, "I'll be glad to help you with your list, either of them."
.:.
Her heels clacked along the marble floors as she approached the main office under Jed's. The last time she'd been here, she'd taken her revenge, not that it helped. The pain was still there, so was anger and now she had regret as an added bonus. Not that she regretted killing Movado that was something that she'd never regret, but how she got to the point of killing him, there were a lot of regrets along that path. She felt better after spending time with Kate, it seemed to be good for Kate too, her smile was happier then when they'd left. Of course that also could have to do with the fact that she was coming back to the two men, she considered her family, her home.
The brothers were looking at blueprints of something: Richard's expression was analytical and Seth's eyebrows were furrowed, not happy about something.
"Are you planning without me?" Kate questioned.
The men looked up and Seth shrugged, "Pre-planning, Princess; seeing if the job is even worth it."
"It's not." Richard scoffed, "Which I've been trying to explain to him for the last twenty minutes." Richard looked at Kisa over his glasses. "You shouldn't be traveling alone."
"Yeah your highness-ness, no bodyguards? Probably not a good plan." Seth smirked as he looked at her.
"She left them upstairs." Kate rolled her eyes and hoped up on the desk, perching between the dark-suited Geckos in her jeans and flowery top. Her fingers rested next to Seth's on the papers as she looked over the potential plans. "Is this in Baja?"
"On your list to visit right?" Seth flashed a real smile at Kate and tweaked the tip of her nose. "Might as well knock out two lines at once."
Kisa smiled and caught Richard's eye, "Could I speak to you in private?"
He nodded and they started walking down one of the hallways together, "Trying to get me alone or them alone." His voice was amused.
She threaded her arm through his, "Maybe a little of both."