Chapter 6: Fortissimo

Marian Rothwell used the key that Chiaki gave her to get into his apartment. She hadn't had to use it previously as she'd never had trouble tracking him down before. But it was 10 am and he had failed to show up for rehearsal. Neither was he answering his landline or cell phones. She was obviously concerned at this lapse, coupled with his rather strange behaviour the previous evening. His bedroom looked mostly untouched except for the crumple on the bed sheet of where he had tossed and turned. The rest of the apartment, however, told a different story.

His apartment was usually clutter free but overnight, Chiaki seemed to have gone on a reading frenzy… newspapers, magazines, music journals were strewn all over the living room and kitchen. Most contained articles about the indomitable Miss Megumi Noda and it appeared that Chiaki had been assiduously collecting reading material about the talented pianist going back 5 years. Marian had always believed Chiaki to be a fan despite his protestations to the contrary. What she saw, however, was beyond anything she had imagined… No doubt he was a man of strong hidden passions. but his connection with Miss Noda was immensely curious.

The trail of periodicals led to the desk in his study… and the item that caught her eye was a black, bulky, spiral bound album. Penciled faintly on the bottom right hand corner of the plain cover was the word 'Nodame'. Her curiosity got the better of her, leading her to look under the cover. What she saw first brought a smile to her face and what she saw later brought tears to her eyes. The first several pages were the most intimate… Photos of a younger Megumi Noda in silly poses… carefree and in love with life… There were also a series of pictures of her at the piano making faces and pursing her lips. However, the one that disturbed her equanimity was the one of Megumi Noda and Chiaki at the piano, with the exuberant Miss Noda nestled against him.

Shinichi… why didn't you tell me?

Chiaki had not slept… could not sleep… and took to the chilly streets instead. Armed with only his overcoat, he walked for some time in the wee hours of the night wondering what was going on with Nodame and if she was alright. In the end, all that maddening talk did have a method to it. A call that came two hours later put him out of his misery. It was Dan Rothwell, saying that he had something pertaining to "a matter of life and death" to discuss with him. Chiaki thought it significant that he had used that expression again in a short space of time and assumed that Rothwell wanted to talk about Nodame. Does he know about us? As he asked himself that question, he realized that it didn't matter… Only Nodame mattered… she had always mattered… Even when he felt betrayed. It was because she mattered that he felt the betrayal more acutely.

The scrapbook chronicling Nodame's career, had been lovingly and painstakingly put together. Newspaper, magazine cuttings were laid out neatly. For Marian it told the story of two people together and then of two people living separate lives but held together by a unique and lasting bond. He kept the ticket of every single performance he attended was proof that he had been there and yet… for some reason he kept his distance. Chiaki was no ordinary fan. It was a love story gone awry. When the truth dawned on Marian… that this was not a love easily forgotten... or cast aside, she became envious… Not so much because she felt misused… she was far too worldly for that but because she never before believed that such things as soul mates really existed.

Marian closed the scrapbook and held onto it as if her life depended on it. The tears trickled down her lovely face… I wonder what happened.

At about 2 am both men were sitting in Rothwell's office. They stared at one another some moments while trying to decide what they should say. In the end it was Rothwell that broke the impasse.

"Listen, Shinichi, what I'm going to tell you here is a breach of doctor- patient confidentiality." Rothwell's voice contained a sense of urgency.

"Is she going to be alright?" Chiaki asked anxiously.

"Well, that depends…"

"On what?"

"On you…"

"On me… why me?"

Rothwell waited a while before continuing.

"Shinichi… what does 'senpai' mean?"

So he knows… she's told him. "It's a term of respect given to an elder, senior or mentor." Chiaki held back before saying, "She's told you, hasn't she?"

"Some… but I filled in some of the gaps myself. There are other gaps that I'd like filled in too. Funny, I thought that 'senpai' was some kind of term of endearment."

"Old habits die hard. We went to the same music academy in Tokyo but I didn't even know she existed until my final year. She was my junior and coincidentally my next door neighbour." Chiaki's thoughts drifted to another time and place. "Once she intruded into my life, there was no stopping her. She was terrifying and brilliant at the same time. What was more incredible was that she didn't seem to care just how good she was or how great she could be."

"Even now, I get that feeling from her… that her achievements mean very little… it's the piano she loves." Rothwell ventured.

Chiaki nodded. "I didn't know what to do with her. She wasn't like anyone that I had ever met. But when she played… she took my breath away… even then, in those early years."

"I don't know when it became about her and not just the music… All I knew is that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without her. It was a daunting realisation in many ways." Chiaki chuckled. "She was erratic… moody one moment and lively the next. Her playing was much the same. But there was never a dull moment with her around."

"What happened?"

"She left me… for someone else…" A deep sorrow manifested in Chiaki's eyes.

"She did what…?!" It was Rothwell's turn to look astounded.

"Yeah, I didn't think she was capable of it either… It was some lounge lizard. Happened while I was away guest conducting for the London Phil. Not even a Dear John letter either. And to think, I was finally going to ask her to marry me." Chiaki sounded bitter.

"'We cannot fight for love as men may do. We should be wooed, and were not made to woo. I'll follow thee and make a heaven out of hell, and I'll die by your hand which I love so well.'" Rothwell muttered in the background, staring blankly at the door behind Chiaki.

"I came back a day early to surprise her. She wasn't home so I started making dinner… even left a message with her room mate that I was back… she never showed up… I sit around worried sick and ring a few friends. They said that she'd been spending a lot of time at this particular bar. I go there and they tell me she's at Francois's place. The entire time I wonder who Francois is. He didn't live too far from the Conservatoire so I found it easily enough. They were on the roof… dancing and carrying on. Congratulating one another. She was a bit drunk… she could never hold her alcohol well."

"Have you asked her about any of this?"

"No… never… I furious at the time and I thought that if I confronted her about it, she'd make all kinds of ridiculous excuses. I haven't spoken to her since… until tonight."

"I doubt that she knows any of this."

"How can you be sure of this?"

"She told me as much herself…"

"What did she tell you?"

"She told me about a man that she cared about… that he left her without an explanation. That she was trapped in the past… wandering in a wasteland of questions."

Chiaki remembered overhearing that conversation… there had been despair in her voice.

"And you believe her?"

"I believe her as I believe you…"

"What do you mean?"

"That there are more gaps that need to be filled."

Chiaki didn't know what else he could say… Rothwell seemed convinced of Nodame's ignorance in the entire matter. Then a thought occurred to him.

"What did you mean when you said that it depended on me?"

"Shinichi… there are some things that I can do for my patients. However, even if I had the world's greatest miracle drug at my disposal… I cannot help someone who doesn't want treatment."

"She doesn't want treatment?" Chiaki looked at Rothwell incredulously.

"I think she has given up on life."

"Nodame? No, never! But why…?" Chiaki saw the grave look on Rothwell's face.

"I think you know why." Rothwell gave Chiaki a meaningful look.

"She doesn't need me… she's proven that the last five years…" Chiaki protested.

"She's proven that she can work hard and be a successful pianist…" Rothwell interjected. "But what's the rest of her life been like? She's still single… she doesn't have that many friends and judging from what you've said… she's a shell of her old self. Have you even considered that her accomplishments could just be a cover for a broken heart?"

"It never struck me…"

"I can't help feeling that there's something inconsistent in that story… I've met your Nodame, we've talked a little and I'm not convinced that the young woman lying in my hospital bed, who's pining away for you would ever betray your trust. She loves you far too much and if you had the sense you'd have seen that a long time ago. From where I'm looking the only thing she's proven in the last five years is how steadfast her affections have been in spite of having been cast aside with no explanation."

Chiaki knew that Rothwell was making far too much sense for him to flatly dismiss that line of thinking. More often than not he had asked himself why Nodame left him but he never went far enough. His own heart had wavered but he ignored its pleas for clemency… and then an opportunity came up in Vienna to work with Sebastiano Viera… and so he left her behind, without a word… leaving her to her own devices… An awful chill went up Chiaki's spine at the thought that somehow he had made such a terrible error in judgment. An error that cost them both five years. Was it too late to make things right?

"Can I see her?"

"She's sleeping now… which is something I suspect the both of us need to do as well. Go home… and get some rest, if you can… There will be time to see her later."

"What do you want me to do?"

"First and foremost… set her free, Shinichi… tell her the truth…"

"What is the truth?" Chiaki whispered to himself.

Sleep would not come to him… try as he might… He pondered over what Rothwell said, poured over the articles he had accumulated over the years that would provide a clue to into the mind of Noda Megumi. Everything he read confirmed what Rothwell said. Nodame was well-liked and charmed everyone with her quirky mannerisms… but she was never linked with any man during her time in the spotlight. She lived alone and went to social events largely on her own.

Whatever the case… Chiaki knew that he had to shoulder much of the responsibility for what happened. He reproached himself for failing to delve deeper at the time and then brooded over the whys and wherefores. What was it he said to Rothwell?… It was a daunting realization that I didn't want to live life without her. By his own admission, living with Nodame for the rest of his life had been a daunting prospect. Had he been looking for a way out? Could that be it? But I was going to ask her to marry me! I didn't have to.

Chiaki flailed his hands in frustration and accidentally caused a pile of music magazines to tumble onto the floor. Was it just obligation on my part? A reward for her loyalty? Feelings of self-abnegation overcame him as he saw his past flash before his eyes.

He let himself slide down to the floor until his head touched the carpet… Is it obligation too that I miss her?