Chapter 6: Let Me Have This Moment

Adrian paused, one hand slightly extended towards Amy. She stared up at him, a quizzical look in her bright green eyes, those eyes that matched his perfectly.

Time slowed for me, stopped, then went backward, as memories from ten years ago flooded my mind.

The law that required all Moroi kings or queens to have at least one family member had finally been modified, which meant that Jill was no longer in danger. The alchemists had decided to shut down operations in Palm Springs, and while Jill had decided to stay at Amberwood and finish out her year, I was no longer obligated to help her. She had Eddie and Angeline to help her, after all, and Adrian showed no signs of leaving either.

But I had made the decision to leave. It was getting to be too much. Seeing Adrian so often, hearing his promises and proclamations and protestations... I felt like I was losing my sanity. Since I couldn't get Adrian out of my mind, I decided to at least get him out of my life. I knew that I would miss him, but that sooner or later, I would find myself back to normal, and my true path. And maybe I could date a normal human guy. They couldn't all bore me to tears, right?

So I had asked the alchemists to find me a new post, which they agreed to do, in recognition of my excellent service in Palm Springs. And on one surprisingly cold day the first week of January, just a few days after I got back from my Christmas visit to Utah, I got my final permission to leave. I formally withdrew from Amberwood, said goodbye to Ms. Terwiliger and my classmates, exchanged goodbye hugs with Eddie, Jill, and Angeline, and packed up my car with my clothes and stuff.

As I started up the car, I told myself that I was doing the right thing. I had to get away from this dangerous place before I got any more lost from my true mission, which was protecting the human race from interaction with Moroi. They were... evil. Or at least, different. I turned out towards the interstate, wondering how far I'd get on my drive to Utah before I had to stop for the night. But something was nagging at me. There was someone I hadn't said goodbye to.

I thought about just texting him, or sending him an email. But somehow, instead of getting onto the interstate, I found myself driving the familiar route to Adrian's house. "This is a bad idea," I muttered to myself as I parked the car. "Don't do this," I told myself, as I walked down to the hallway to his door. "Stop stop stop stop stop," I whispered under my breath, as I paused in front of his door. But I knocked anyway.

Adrian answered the door in a pair of black boxer briefs and a white tank top, the kind I've heard called a "wife beater." He had some colorful splatters on his face and hands and I could smell paint. "Wow, hi," he said, a big smile spreading across his face. "Come in, come in, come in." He stood to the side, holding the door open.

"I can't come in," I said. "I just came to say something really quickly..."

"I can't just stand in the hallway in my underwear, Sage," he said. "I might get arrested. Come on, get inside."

Kicking myself mentally, I stepped inside the apartment.

The heat was cranked up high, and I had to take off my coat immediately. I put it, and my purse, down by the door, then turned around to see what what he was working on. He was in the middle of yet another painting of me. Or at least, I had to assume it was a painting of me. It was really more of a suggestion of a person – a kind of surreal swirl of yellows and purples. "Sydney Number Eight," he said, gesturing at the canvas. "One of my better efforts, I think."

"I'm sorry to bother you so late," I said, ignoring the painting. "So, um, did Jill or Eddie call you?"

"I've had my phone off," he said. "Painting frenzy."

I wasn't sure if that made things easier or harder. I just pressed on. "Well," I said. "I came here to say goodbye."

Adrian's face froze mid-expression, then he offered me a tentative and confused smile. "Goodbye?" he said. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Home," I said. "Utah."

"What?" he said, his eyes growing wider. "You just got back from there."

"That was only a Christmas visit," I said. "This is..."

"Why are you going?" Adrian interrupted me to ask. "When are you coming back?"

"You know as well as I do that the danger is past," I said. "Jill doesn't need me. Job's over. I'm going home."

"For... forever?"

"I'm not coming back," I confirmed. "I'm going home for good."

"I don't understand," he said. "Why? We were having fun. I thought the alchemists had given you an actual post here. You weren't really here for Jill anymore anyway."

"It has been fun," I said. "But it's not good for me to be here." I shook my head helplessly. "I have to go, Adrian. Don't you understand that? This place isn't healthy for me."

"The paint fumes?" he said. "I can open a window. You don't have to go to Utah."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," I said. "I meant... this. You." I gestured between the two of us. "This... thing."

"Oh," said Adrian, nodding wisely. "You're talking about the whole, I'm-in-love-with-you-and-you-think-that's-bad thing. I don't see how it's a problem for you, though."

"It's just confusing," I said. "Confusing and dangerous. I can't date a Moroi. It's wrong."

"Then don't date me," Adrian said, cheerfully. "You don't have to go back to Utah."

"I'm better at a safe distance from you," I said. "Trust me. It's better this way. And it's better for you, too. You'll get over me faster if I'm not around."

"You're serious, aren't you," Adrian said. "You're really going."

"Car is all packed," I said. "Next stop: Utah."

"You'll probably stop for coffee or something first," Adrian said.

"Well, yeah," I said.

There was a long pause, as Adrian and I regarded each other. Then I gave him a little wave and took one step toward the door. But Adrian stood in my path, arms crossed.

"I'm never going to get over you, you know," he said. "So don't worry about that. It's a lost cause. You might as well stay."

"I can't do that," I said. "I already withdrew from Amberwood, checked out of the dorms, said goodbye to everyone..."

"So? You can stay with me if you need a place to stay. You can unpack here."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Like that's a good idea."

"It's a great idea," he said, and took a step towards me. "I'll sleep on the couch. Until you invite me into the bed, of course..." I rolled my eyes again, and his expression changed, darkened. "Seriously, Sydney. Please. Don't go."

"I have to," I said. "I... want to wish you the best." I held out my hand for him to shake.

He took my hand, but then pulled me into an embrace. "I'm not saying goodbye to you with a handshake," he said, in a near growl, then pressed his lips to mine.

Instantly, the world fell away. I was wrapped in the feeling, the touch, the scent of him. I had promised myself that if Adrian ever kissed me again, I wouldn't kiss him back, but all those pledges went out the window when I actually felt his lips against mine. When we finally broke apart, I honestly wasn't sure if we had been kissing for 30 seconds or 30 minutes. I felt dizzy and confused.

"Ok, well, um, I better go," I said, and began my unsteady progress to the door. But when I got there, Adrian was blocking the way.

"Explain something before you go," he said. "Explain why it's dangerous to be around me. And don't say it's confusing," he added quickly, as I opened my mouth to say just that. "What is so dangerous about me?"

With him so near, it seemed completely obvious what was so dangerous about him. His eyes. His lips. His scent. He was like the fruit the serpent had handed Eve, so wonderful to smell, so desirable to see, so lovely to touch, so completely forbidden. I wanted to just bite him. Not in a vampire sense or anything but... almost. Almost.

I looked down at the cheap throw rug on his floor. "There's nothing dangerous about you," I whispered.

"But you said there was. You said it was dangerous to be around me." He stepped closer to me. "Why? Are you afraid I'll bite you?"

"You wouldn't do that," I said.

"Then how am I dangerous?" He took another step closer. "Let me ask you something, Sage. Do you feel at all the same about me as I do about you? Even a little?"

"Of course not," I said.

"Then why did you kiss me back? Tonight, and other times?"

"I'm not made of stone," I said, dismissively. "It doesn't mean what you think it means."

"But here's the problem, Sage," Adrian said. "If you don't want me or love me, then what would be so dangerous about me wanting you and loving you? You could just sit around in your dorm room and laugh at the poor Moroi who's lost his mind about you. You could take it as a compliment and move on. You wouldn't have to go back to Utah."

"Yes, but..." I said, but Adrian interrupted me again.

"The only way this little maneuver of yours makes even an ounce of sense is if you feel something for me." He took another step closer and grabbed my hand. "Something strong." He brushed my hand with his lips. "Something that you can't fight any more."

"I don't..." I said, and trailed off. He had taken another step, even closer. He was inches away now. "I have to go."

"Ok," he said, leaning forward. "Give me a kiss goodbye, then." And he was pressed up against me again, one hand against the small of my back, one hand running through my hair. His lips went to my neck and I let out an involuntary sigh as a shiver of delight went through me. He was kissing me, not biting me, but still, it was almost like when the Strigoi had bitten me. There was no thought, no fear, no doubt, just absolute delight and a deep desire for this to continue, on and on, forever. I didn't know it was possible to feel like this from only a kiss. Small, weird animal noises escaped my throat. I began to sway on my feet. When he pulled away from me, he held me upright in his arms, as if he knew that I might have fallen over without the support.

"I... have... to go," I stammered. "I, um, have to..."

"Don't go," Adrian murmured, near my ear. "Don't. Please, Sydney. Whatever you're afraid of, we can face it together. We can go as slow as you want. We can just stay friends if that's what you really, really, want. But please, please, please, don't go back to Utah. I'll miss you so much."

"I'll miss you too," I said. My blood was singing in my veins. I felt like I was drunk, or had been drunk from. I couldn't think straight, couldn't even come up with a decent lie.

"Then don't go," he whispered again, and there was a weird, sharp quality to his voice. "Please," he said. "Don't leave. I'll do anything you want if you just stay in Palm Springs. This can't be the last time I ever see you."

"It has to be," I said, and unaccountably, felt tears rise to my eyes. "We have to say goodbye. This is unnatural. This is... wrong."

"Then why does it feel so good?" he asked, and kissed me again. It was a stronger kiss, a fiercer one, and I felt my pulse increase. My hands rose, as if out of my control, to stroke his back, to pull his shirt up to I could touch the bare skin. He bent to kiss my neck again, and I let out a high pitched little moan. It was impossible not to, as sort of embarrassing as it was. It just felt that good.

"The … devil... has a... power," I managed to gasp, "to … assume... a pleasing... ohhh... shape."

"Are you saying I'm the devil, or that you are?" he growled. "Because you have a really pleasing shape." One hand rested on my left breast.

"Neither of us is the devil," I whispered. "But this is still a temptation. It's... still wrong."

"Love isn't wrong," Adrian said, near my ear. "It can't be wrong to love you. I know that."

Somewhere in my head, something chimed in agreement. Love... how could love be wrong? Even love between a human and a Moroi? Surely God would understand. If we really loved each other...

No, I told myself firmly. As soon as I can manage to stop this, I'll have to leave and never look back. I can't have this. I can't have this. I can't...

"I really do love you," Adrian whispered. "I know I say it so much you must think I'm joking or something. But I'm completely dead serious. I've never, ever felt like this about anyone. It makes how I felt about Rose seem like a kindergarten crush. I just... oh, God, Sydney, there isn't another way to say it. I just love you."

"I know," I whispered, and leaned forward so that our lips met. I knew he loved me. And so help me, I loved him back. I knew it, in that instant. I knew that I loved him as much as he loved me. I loved his sharp wit, his crazy sense of humor, his loyalty, his sweetness wrapped in an exterior of charisma and snark. I loved his mind, his body, and his heart. That's what made the thing I had to do all the worse.

God? I thought. Let me just have this for a few more moments. Please. After this, I'll be good. I promise. I'll be a good little alchemist. I'll leave Palm Springs and I'll recommit to the church and everything. I'll live a life of service to You. But please. Just let me have this, for a few more moments. I need this, just for a little while. You understand, don't you? Please, God, please.

I pulled away and looked at Adrian. He stroked my cheek with his fingertips. "Why are you crying?" he asked. "Am I making you cry?"

"No," I said, and shook my head to emphasize it. "No, you're not."

"I am," he said, emotion making his voice tremble a little. "Please, Sydney, don't cry. I'll stop all of this. I... won't push it. If you have to leave, I'll try to understand. Just don't cry."

"I'm not crying," I said, and I leaned forward again, so that our lips met again. I arched my neck a little, so that he'd kiss it again, and then my hand crept under the waistband of his boxers.

"S-Syd-Sydney," he breathed. "Oh, wow. I so didn't expect... that..."

"Let's go to your room," I said, in a voice I almost didn't recognize.

"We... don't have to... you know," he whispered, gently pulling my hand away. "There's no rush. We have the rest of our lives, Sydney. We have all the time in the world."

This made the tears flood my eyes, and I buried my face in his shoulder. No, I thought, desperately. We don't. We only have now. But you don't know that. "I don't want to wait," I said, in as normal a voice as I could muster. "Life is short."

"Oh, god, Sydney, how did I get so lucky?" he whispered, and picked me up in his arms. Still kissing, we made it down the hall to his room. He placed me down gently in his bed and we kissed for a long time, not saying a word, just engulfed in each other. I pulled my shirt off over my head, then he expertly unhooked my bra. When he kissed my breasts I had to bite on my own hand to keep from moaning too loudly. Every inch of my skin wanted nothing more than his caresses, his kisses. Impatiently, I peeled off my jeans and underwear, not wanting to delay it. I just wanted to give him complete access to my body. "Are you sure?" he whispered, again. "Are you completely sure, Sydney? I can do other things for you... It doesn't have to be..."

"I'm sure," I whispered, cutting him off. "I want you." I kissed him again, harder than ever, biting the side of his lip a little.

His fingers trailed down between my legs, gently stroking me. "I don't want to hurt you," he breathed. "It's the last thing I want."

"I know," I whispered. "It's ok."

He played with me, kissed me, teased me. When I finally couldn't take another second of waiting, he slid inside of me very slowly. He never stopped kissing me, stroking my hair, telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I hadn't thought that I was going to climax, not on my first time, not under circumstances like these, but Adrian knew what he was doing, and he brought me right to the edge and helped me over. I surprised myself with the volume of my moans, the strange, almost non-human sounds I made. I would never have guessed that sex would be like this. And, as I lay in his arms afterward, I felt certain it would never be like this again.

"Oh, wow, Sydney," he said. "Just wow. If it's that good the first time, can you imagine the second time, the third time? It's just going to keep getting better." He crawled out of bed to wrap the condom in tissues and throw it away.

I quickly wiped my eyes with the sheet while his back was turned. "I can imagine," I said, as he lay back down in the bed with me.

"I'm so glad you changed your mind," Adrian said, pulling me close. "I've never been so happy, Sydney. With you in my life, I just feel like everything is going to be perfect."

"That's saying a lot," I said, trying not to let the tears become audible.

"But it will be perfect," Adrian said. "And I'll do everything I can to make it perfect for you, too, Sydney. I swear. I'll be the best boyfriend on Earth. I'll take good care of you, not that you need that, but... still. I'll take care of you."

"I know," I said. I turned on my side and pulled Adrian's arm around me like a blanket. We snuggled together like spoons. And for a while, we dozed.

I woke up a few hours later because of a funny feeling inside of me. It was hard to explain. It was a... fluttering. A redistribution of energy. I knew what it was, though there was no way I could know. Maybe Ms. Terwiliger had always been right about me, that I had more magic in me than I was willing to admit to. But I knew. I knew that there was a tiny fertilized egg inside of me right now, looking for a place to implant itself and begin growing.

I lay completely motionless in the bed, Adrian's arms still around me. Something had gone wrong with the condom, obviously. Either it had slipped off for a second, or it had broken, or... something. But this didn't have to be the end of the world. There was still time to prevent a pregnancy. I knew of alchemist technology that could keep the egg from finding a home and growing, preventing true conception from taking place.

The problem, though, was that I didn't want to do that. If this egg grew into a baby – and a lot of zygotes didn't actually take root, for whatever reason, so it was quite possible that it wouldn't – it would be half Adrian, half me. And I didn't want to let it go. I wanted it. I loved it as much as I loved Adrian, with a totally different, but still overwhelming, kind of love. A fierce love. An almost violent one.

For a moment, I allowed myself the luxury of imagining life with Adrian, me, and the baby. We'd get married and make a home and a life. Every day would be better than the previous one. I'd leave the alchemists and have a normal life, fixing cars, reading the newspaper, cuddling with my husband and child.

But it could never happen, I knew. If I stayed with Adrian, I'd never get to see my family again. I'd have to give up everything I'd ever worked for. The church would kick me out. And it'd be no picnic for Adrian, either. He would probably be almost as ostracized as I would be, as even his closest friends would think that our relationship was disgusting and immoral. We'd have nothing – no friends, no support. Even God would turn His back on us. It's possible my family would kidnap me and send me to a reeducation center and I'd forget everything about my husband and baby. Maybe Adrian would give up on us, choosing to go back to his easy life back at court rather than fight anymore.

And no matter what, the baby would suffer, I felt sure of it. My child would be a dhampir, and dhampirs weren't well treated in Moroi society. He or she might be pressured into working as a Guardian and die protecting some Moroi royal from a Strigoi. And the whole time, even other dhampirs would find my child's parentage strange, since outside of the Keepers, all dhampirs were born of a union between a Moroi and dhampir. I placed my hand on my belly, though there was nothing there yet to feel. My poor baby, I thought. Scared. Alienated. Unloved by anyone but me and Adrian... and maybe even unloved by us, if life intervened as I feared it might. I had to protect this baby, as surely as I had to protect myself and Adrian from the consequences of this love and this night.

I slid out of Adrian's arms, then tip-toed around the room collecting my clothes. Every time Adrian stirred, I froze. It took me almost a half hour to get dressed and tiptoe out of the apartment. I had made it all the way down to the parking area and was unlocking my car before the tears began. Once I was safely in the front seat, I put my head in my hands and sobbed.

When I was finally able to pull myself together, I started up the car. I took a few turns, stopped for coffee at a drive through fast-food place, and kept going. Soon I was on the interstate, heading for Utah. I drove through the night, tears streaming down my face. I could only think of one solution now. And that solution was named Rick.

Adrian turned and looked at me, and when our eyes met, I knew he was remembering that night, too. He stayed absolutely still, though by now it must have gotten uncomfortable to be crouching like that. Then he looked back into the face of a little dhampir girl with his eyes, and pulled his face into a smile. He slowly rose to his feet, and seemed to mentally shake himself. "It really is an honor to meet both of you," he said, in a shaky voice. "I've heard great things about you."

"It's um, nice to meet you, too," Amy said. "Who are you, again?"